work computer compmany day job Coach in Tech Support
Now part of USAR - US@R Team for Region. Was fun 40 hours of intial training.
and Trench Rescue.
I volunteer as NR-EMT-IV doing medical volunteer around the county for Rescue Group
I volunteer for Rescue Squad doing Search and Rescue and Dive Team / Sonar Team/ Command Vehicle / Surface Search and many other things in cluding recoveries too sadly.
Hope to shorlty become volunteer fire fighter for small town near me and eventually goto work full time for City Fire Department.
I - Sat here this weekend. Reached out and yet still sat here. Others have lives that are filled with their own families and loved ones.
So no surprise me being lack of spontaneity lol is not receptive lol ha-ha.
I sat here thinking about a lot of things. Like I am a guy who wants to be loved romantically.
I want to be accepted by that person as person of interest and cared for and cared about.
A person that is on same goals in life to better each other and going after those things. Someone who accepts me as me.
Hell, I can't even accept my physical presence so how can I expect others...
I know. I mean I look at it this way.
6 yrs ago I had 130$ to my name I had been sleeping in my 89 Ford Escort and I had left my ex of 5y10m.
4 Days in that car starting Thursday and following Monday Got a Job Tuesday place to live. A lot of other details but.
That year previous I barley made 8k$ Then that year 05 I made 14k$ last year I broke 43K$ and now this year I have met the goal of breaking 50k.
Next year see what happens.
I reached out to Joe on here ---I am the first guy.
That situation started on September 11th - he was distraught reaching out to me was alone beat down his sister moved up and let him stay in room in her trailer. He was depressed. I confronted him on phone I was not a very nice person. I told him off for 4y8 months he really hurt me physically and mentally and I could never look at a man right nor in same way ever after him. I really told him a lot of things that beat him down to nothing. This was my ex who did some very bad stuff.
I found out on December 12th while talking to someone who apparently talked to my ex bf. It was nice to see he was talking nice of me and how much he screwed up. They wanted a picture of him.
I went to Google him and found an obituary of my ex. He was found in his room dead on 12/2/09
I talked to his ex wife and kids are fine but really cant understand what happened.
Its better this way. I know I am safe now and cant be not harmed nor can anyone by my ex. He was very sick human. I feel like finally I can shed my shell of protection i.e. (fat) and let people in. Let guys in to know who I am.
Working on helping me secure a reliable future instead of the insecurity I feel.
I am HS drop out.
Then got my GED then my HS Diploma.
I am only child and lived with my mother till 12 then off to my part time wannabe father. He was alcoholic and well heavy hand. @ 21 I got away from that stupid stuff thanks to David my first BF and Rob. David helped me become a person and human.
Have not seen my family for almost 17 years.
Since then neither of them since then have given a crap to contact me.
So I had invested all of me in my last relationship.
They were my all.
I was very needy to have them in my life and able to over look the bad things because the lack of willing to stay around and loose what I was hopping to keep. Its been a process.
I have been working on rebuilding my life.
I really did not want to take on too much and not get anything accomplished. Which is in my nature to take on a lot.
My life -----
-Financial- I have worked on stabilizing the work. Worked at computer factory for about half year then pharmacy tech then back to computer company as budged employee. 3/06 to present. I have done well constantly upgrading and getting better in pay and skills and experience.
-Residence- Near Starwood in New Apartment / Condo type of place Since July 2009 - Lived same place since 3/06 with a wonder full roommate till 11/08.
-Friends- Gained Matt and Brad - Brad left to Austin TX - so just have Matt around but he has been busy with his bf and new home (wow).
Derrick then and has been my best Friend Has had bf 4 yrs and very busy life so distant.
Kiki there after as I came to Tech. She is now a best Friend now too. Its been a rough ride and they all are busy with their others and I am happy that things are well for them. But also has bf and busy life distant.
Kelly is coming into my life and I seem to be close to her as well but she like all of us has her own things too. I am here and trying not be a friend.
Gretel is out of state but ive had her as close Friend pre-Jesse too lol ha-ha and she is like sister and best friend.
David just came back into my life after 15 years.
He has been with his bf 13 years now and I am so happy for him.
I hope to find someone as special as he has I really wish with my heart that I do. They are all I have.
They are what I call my family.
They are the closest thing I will have for family till the day a man asks for my hand in marriage and I marry into greater family.
These people will still be mine.
-Social- Well I have some internal issues with being out in public.
One is security.
Two is I look.
Three how I preserve people seeing me.
Four is knowing that I would not date someone looking myself and based on physical side.
Because of how much it agitates me. Derrick and KiKi are the socialite . . . lol social butterflies. They have constantly gotten me out and about sometimes. I also used to hang with Derrick and Jerms at with their other friends their home or other places it was fun I miss it.
-Mental- I started talking about my past it's really rough fighting through things. I have been trying to battle some serious things that happened and making changes with how I think and what I think and how it affects me in every day.
-Credit- Been working on challenging stuff and fixing it. It's going to be a challenge to be sure.
-College- Trying to fix that as well. Starting dialogs and getting information. If anyone knows about student loan and credits and all that stuff.. I mean really knows then let me know. I need help with it.
-Job Security- I am wanting to start college in spring pay out of pocket for at lest one class for MTSU. I am also studying for N+ and S+ (Security) after that work on the Microsoft series.
October 2010 I was at my largest. 487 lbs.- I had edema of lower legs below the knee. All my stats were racing bad directions. I had to make change. Last time I weight I was about 370 lbs. I have been taking a break to get off Phentermine and now off it.and was put on swing shift. Gained it all back and then some more.
Now this year - - -
January 1 2012 I was 454 LBS
I started to make changes
in my life. Slowly with what was in my diet and number of meals and portion control.
Now i am pretty much sugar free gluten free here and there i have them.
No Soda's rare if i do.
I eat 5-6 meals a day.
I started working out in November weight training 5x week.
Started cardio right before Thanks giving.
June Update 2013 -
I have lost 17" off my waist and lost 137LBS so far.
Year is not over goal is total lost 137bs. i have about 150 lbs
to go... and i be down to 180 on 6'3" If i gain muscle that will go up but thats my goal.
I tried to do the weight loss challenge here. Nu2U Weight Loss Challenge.
But that fell through.
With the end of history and ex gone finally I am going to do it this year. Time to turn the tide.
I started for last 6 months and worked swing shift and have gained it all back. I am getting back to day shift now. Starting back on the routine getting rid of the weight.
There is none. He has to meet interact with my friends.
Id likes and is open to it but it will take special guy who is real and down to earth.
He would need to be 27-35 and just have job home vehicle and not be a druggie and nor a bar fly and real, loyal.
I kept on thinking that I had to be something that everyone wants or expects. I thought that I have to be what I want to date.
I am being myself now I am me.
Genuine people in my life and genuine guy for them.
I am loving caring man who will give you shirt of my back.
But I refuse to hurt my stability any more.
I am me take it or leave it.
Funny how after I break up with my ex come down here start to rebuild myself. I finally meet a guy I have been talking to as a friend about all that was going on .. we meet hang out... meet his friends and we were outside. I was sipping soda and he walks back into me and leans against me. My heart was pounding I was looking at everyone in panic. When I realized they did not care at all. He then wrapped my arms around him it was colder and interlaced our hands. I just melted. It was first time I had anyone do this with me. I was 33 years old that was first for that. I sure do pickem lol wow.
Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings. Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment.
Focus on the wonderful things in every person. Look for only those things.
Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever
Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.
Get your attention off those things in others that don't make you feel good.
Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.
Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing.
Love and respect yourself completely.
Know that you are perfect right now.