Sports & Activities
Ask Billy Bean: Should a Rookie Pro Football Player Come Out?
Welcome to a new edition of RealJock.com's "Ask Billy Bean" column with sports and life advice from Billy Bean, former professional athlete and author of "Going the Other Way: Lessons from a Life In and Out of Major League Baseball." Do you have a question for Billy? Send him an email at billy@realjock.com.
Dear Billy,
What advice would you offer someone who is new to the National Football League (NFL) but who knows he is gay and closeted? Would it be better for him to come out now and make a statement that he is gay (and ruin his career), or to wait until after his career is over as other pro athletes have done before? It seems like an impossible decision.
I appreciate your help with this problem, particularly as you have faced similar decisions yourself.
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe,
I am always hopeful and optimistic when I hear about an athlete considering such an important decision.
I have thought about your question for a while, and I believe the only expertise I can give in this situation is to explain why players have not come forward while they are still playing. It would be easy for me to say, "Yes....come out! Do it for all of us who have been waiting anxiously for so long," but the truth is there are many personal ramifications that this athlete must consider. I believe we should be sympathetic to those ramifications, and instead of waiting for the people we don't know to come out, we should embrace and lift up those who already have. This way, we will continue to show strong examples of people whose lives became better, more fulfilling, and complete by coming out and living honestly.
Coming out is a unique experience that can be difficult, intimidating, exhilarating, liberating, and satisfying for many reasons. For an athlete who has arrived at the top of his profession (especially in a male team sport), this decision is especially difficult. Unfortunately, discriminatory language and remarks about gay men are still widely acceptable in the locker room and on the field. So the idea of coming out as gay for someone who's new to the NFL, who wants the same opportunity as every other player to succeed, and who wants to earn an incredible living in a very short period of time while his body remains healthy, has to be overwhelming. There are many ways to look at it, but for anyone who is closeted in the GLBT community, the reality of putting their job at risk by coming out makes the decision agonizing and I'm sure delays it from happening almost every time.
Coming out in a team sport environment has unique challenges because all team sports require good chemistry to succeed. I have always said that 80 percent of the players would have been fine if I, Esera Tuaolo (NFL), or John Amaechi (NBA) had come out while we were playing professional sports, but it was the vocal 20 percent minority that had all of us worried. Every athlete has a responsibility to his team, and whether we like to admit it or not, the volume of press that a team would receive if one of its players came out would be overwhelming and would change the team's energy for the immediate future. In every form of competition, you need to be able to concentrate and remove distractions to succeed. Coming out could be the definition of "inviting distraction" into your career. Overnight, this player would be judged differently than every other player, and ultimately could be the object of tremendous scrutiny, which would be unfair to both him and his team. It could liberate the player privately and emotionally, but as we all know, coming out doesn't just change us—it changes the perception of those around us.
If I was to sit down and talk to this athlete, I would first tell him that I would support him no matter what he decided, but I would also try to show him all the possibilities so he could make a decision that was right for him. As a rookie, he has so much going on, and the pressure for him to succeed is intense.
At the very least, I would tell him to relax, exhale, and not feel pressure from anyone either way. It's his decision, his career, and his life. I wish I had confided in one friend or my parents when I was playing. You don't have to tell the whole world on the first day. I know that would have helped me, and I am sure it will help him. Quitting my sport wasn't the answer, and I regret my mistake of not believing in myself or my family to get through a difficult time.
Billy Bean
Miami Beach
Dear Billy,
What advice would you offer someone who is new to the National Football League (NFL) but who knows he is gay and closeted? Would it be better for him to come out now and make a statement that he is gay (and ruin his career), or to wait until after his career is over as other pro athletes have done before? It seems like an impossible decision.
I appreciate your help with this problem, particularly as you have faced similar decisions yourself.
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe,
I am always hopeful and optimistic when I hear about an athlete considering such an important decision.
I have thought about your question for a while, and I believe the only expertise I can give in this situation is to explain why players have not come forward while they are still playing. It would be easy for me to say, "Yes....come out! Do it for all of us who have been waiting anxiously for so long," but the truth is there are many personal ramifications that this athlete must consider. I believe we should be sympathetic to those ramifications, and instead of waiting for the people we don't know to come out, we should embrace and lift up those who already have. This way, we will continue to show strong examples of people whose lives became better, more fulfilling, and complete by coming out and living honestly.
Coming out is a unique experience that can be difficult, intimidating, exhilarating, liberating, and satisfying for many reasons. For an athlete who has arrived at the top of his profession (especially in a male team sport), this decision is especially difficult. Unfortunately, discriminatory language and remarks about gay men are still widely acceptable in the locker room and on the field. So the idea of coming out as gay for someone who's new to the NFL, who wants the same opportunity as every other player to succeed, and who wants to earn an incredible living in a very short period of time while his body remains healthy, has to be overwhelming. There are many ways to look at it, but for anyone who is closeted in the GLBT community, the reality of putting their job at risk by coming out makes the decision agonizing and I'm sure delays it from happening almost every time.
Coming out in a team sport environment has unique challenges because all team sports require good chemistry to succeed. I have always said that 80 percent of the players would have been fine if I, Esera Tuaolo (NFL), or John Amaechi (NBA) had come out while we were playing professional sports, but it was the vocal 20 percent minority that had all of us worried. Every athlete has a responsibility to his team, and whether we like to admit it or not, the volume of press that a team would receive if one of its players came out would be overwhelming and would change the team's energy for the immediate future. In every form of competition, you need to be able to concentrate and remove distractions to succeed. Coming out could be the definition of "inviting distraction" into your career. Overnight, this player would be judged differently than every other player, and ultimately could be the object of tremendous scrutiny, which would be unfair to both him and his team. It could liberate the player privately and emotionally, but as we all know, coming out doesn't just change us—it changes the perception of those around us.
If I was to sit down and talk to this athlete, I would first tell him that I would support him no matter what he decided, but I would also try to show him all the possibilities so he could make a decision that was right for him. As a rookie, he has so much going on, and the pressure for him to succeed is intense.
At the very least, I would tell him to relax, exhale, and not feel pressure from anyone either way. It's his decision, his career, and his life. I wish I had confided in one friend or my parents when I was playing. You don't have to tell the whole world on the first day. I know that would have helped me, and I am sure it will help him. Quitting my sport wasn't the answer, and I regret my mistake of not believing in myself or my family to get through a difficult time.
Billy Bean
Miami Beach
BuffBCboy wrote:
The quest to live authentically is often over shadowed by fear of the unknown. And while in the real world it is often percieved as easier to come out, in the world of professional team sports this percpetion is magnified 10 times.
While having an active professional athlete come out would propel the "movement" and help normalize gay athletes, one must have an incredible sense of will and a solid support base in family, friends and team mates.
ANYTHING is possible and we are all at the source of what we experience in life...we truly can create anything we want.
In this case be deliberate, and enrol others into your new possibility.
Wishing you all the best on and off the field!
-Ty
Tyler Hoffman
Former Professional (AA) Baseball Umpire
Former Dir. Media & Public Relations Gay & Lesbian Athletes' Association
Jan 17 6:54 AM
notnidiot2000 wrote:
This isn't just a personal/social decision. This is economic!
I personally am not out, and have done very well professionally. I am
not convinced I would have had the same opportunities if I were out.
Is money and professional status worth it? It is to me. Everybody
has to make their own decision.
My advice, make lots of money before you come out. Than, if you feel
like you need to make a statement, come out before you retire.
IMHO
Jan 11 1:28 PM
SpartanJock wrote:
While I think it would be awesome for a NFLer to come out of the closet while actively playing, there is the possibility that it could hinder your career. Coming out is strictly a personal decision, and should not be influenced by calls from others to be a role model. I think that a long conversation over a period of days with someone like Billy Bean, or Esera Tuaolo (or both) would be very beneficial to help make such an important decision. Those of us who have not had an inside view of professional sports have only our support to give whichever is decided.
In addition, it is my opinion that if there is a team athlete who decides to play at the professional level to break the 'straight ceiling', he will have already been out while playing at the college level. There are an increasing number of college athletes that are coming out of the closet, where they can prove that being gay doesn't affect his ability to be an exceptional athlete.
Jan 02 7:28 PM
Mountaineer wrote:
David Kopay was the first retired NFL player to come out of the closet. Since then, when closeted NFL players asked him for advice, he expressed concern that coming out would ruin their careers. But Kopay left the NFL in 1972, and a lot has changed since then.
I'm a founding member of the Gay and Lesbian Athletics Foundation (www.glaf.org) and I've seen a lot of speculation about whether the first openly gay football player will come out as a professional or rise through the ranks, out from the beginning. With more accepting athletic environments and fewer barriers to coming out young, I'd say that most people in the LGBT sports circle believe that the doors are now open for a talented, openly gay player to rise to a professional level.
I recently had dinner with Esera Tuaolo, the most recently retired NFL player to come out of the closet, and he expressed the opposite view. While he's more optimistic than Kopay, he still believes that enough of the old guard is still intact to keep an openly gay player from rising to the professional level. Organizations like GLAF can offer anonymity and help you check if a particular coach or athletics program has a history of supporting LGBT athletes.
Best of luck. The gay community could really use more positive role models in sport!
Jan 02 4:19 AM
gamh7 wrote:
While you were in highschool playing sports ( I ran track) did you ever look at another guy, and have them say something along the lines of what are you looking at, are you a fag. well take that up about 100 notches. In the players eyes and publics eye, if you are a professional athlete and you make an error was the error because you were gay? everything will be based upon whether you are gay. Doesn't matter if you do awesome in the sport - then you are considered an awesome athlete, but in the straight mans world when you err its because you are gay. There are a lot of people who are accepting. but also in the same breath there are a lot who don't understand our lifestyle. Hell i'm in the military and gay, how hard do you think that is, amost the same thing. I can play the game but i can't (not allowed) to be who i really and. And does it really (to you) make a difference for the rest of the world to know who you sleep with. email me if u would like to talk gamh7@yahoo.com
Jan 01 6:29 PM
gamh7 wrote:
While you were in highschool playing sports ( I ran track) did you ever look at another guy, and have them say something along the lines of what are you looking at, are you a fag. well take that up about 100 notches. In the players eyes and publics eye, if you are a professional athlete and you make an error was the error because you were gay? everything will be based upon whether you are gay. Doesn't matter if you do awesome in the sport - then you are considered an awesome athlete, but in the straight mans world when you err its because you are gay. There are a lot of people who are accepting. but also in the same breath there are a lot who don't understand our lifestyle. Hell i'm in the military and gay, how hard do you think that is, amost the same thing. I can play the game but i can't (not allowed) to be who i really and. And does it really (to you) make a difference for the rest of the world to know who you sleep with.
Jan 01 6:29 PM