Editor's Note: Joe Weston also authors an advice column, "Ask Joe," where he shares his training, wisdom, and experience with RealJock readers. Got a question? Need some clarity? Ask Joe anything that's on your mind by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org. Your identity will be kept anonymous, but do note that questions may be edited for length and clarity. For more info on Joe's workshops, see his bio at the end of this article.
In my last article, I talked about desire and shame. I mentioned that desire is the doorway to your unique self. When you can tap into your feelings, then you see what needs are underneath. You get a clear glimpse into the deeper aspects of what motivates you and moves you through the world.
By learning how to feel, express and act on your desires, you are following a clear path to fulfillment, happiness and purpose. Your desire could be for financial success, or being part of a community, or advocating social justice, or spiritual attainment. Whatever it may be, your desires will inform you of what your unique contribution could be to these areas. Your desires have the potential to awaken your innate creativity.
And while you are looking at larger issues and life paths, you could also explore the power of desires in specific areas of your life. One good example is your intimate relationships and erotic life. How do you tap into what your deepest desires are? How do you muster up the courage to speak these desires to a partner? And how do you actually go out and get your desires met—either by yourself or with someone else?
When we get into new relationships, or when we start a new phase of our lives, we feel light and free, creativity flows, we tend to be spontaneous and have a zest for life. I call this the state of being “juicy.” When we are juicy, we feel energy move through us, we are more in our bodies and in our feelings. Life seems to be more fun, colors seem brighter, things seem to taste better. And our erotic time seems to be heightened; we experience more sensation. Do you recognize this from your own experience?
Some reasons for this is that we are more in touch with our desires and we are actually acting on them. We are feeling a steady flow of our erotic energy—which, according to many ancient traditions, like Taoism and Tantra, contains life force energy, healing qualities and creative potential. So, you could say that when you are in this juicy state, you are in your body, connected to your impulses and connected to others and your surroundings in a balanced, flexible way.
Think of that great work out at the gym. Think of that runner’s high, or that great presentation at work, or that great first date. The body is fluid, the mind is clear, the emotions are stable, the energy is flowing and there is a sense of elation. So, what happens as time goes by in relationships? Or at work? Or even with your workout program? Things start to get rigid. It is harder to get the energy flowing. Instead of doing something actually energizing, it seems to take more work to get things done!
So, how juicy are you feeling in your life? How juicy are you feeling as you read this? How juicy do you feel in your intimate relationships or in your erotic encounters with lovers? And how do you get into that juicy place when having sex? It starts with getting in touch with what you are feeling and desiring at that moment, without judgment and shame.
Get Your Juices Flowing
I have shared my theory in many of my erotic massage workshops and with clients that if you know what you desire (what turns you on) and if you have the courage to express that desire to a partner, then anyone you have sex with or play with erotically has the potential to be a good lover. This is very important in lovemaking. If you would like to have good sex and find a partner who can satisfy you, then you must first be able to know what you like. It is not fair to expect your partner to have to guess what you want while you keep silent. Chances are, your sexual partners won’t be mind readers! If they are, great! Don’t let them go! If they aren’t, then it is up to you to have the skills to feel and express what you want and desire.
Contemplate that for a while: Most of the time, sex partners are relieved when you can tell them what you desire. They don’t have to work so hard to try and figure it out. And if they really like you and are fun and creative, they will actually get turned on by what you are asking for, come up with exciting ways to give you what you want, and maybe find a way to get their desires intermingled with yours, resulting in a fun, hot sex or lovemaking session! And they could also be impressed by your originality and vulnerability, deepening the intimacy between you!
If they have a problem with the desires you express, this can only mean that they didn’t feel comfortable doing what you desired and didn’t have the courage to do the healthy thing and say ‘no,’ or they were intimidated by your power and authenticity. Either way, this should not be a deterrent to you expressing your desires. This should not lead to more wounding and shame. This is about them and their insecurities.
Keep Your Juices Flowing
So hear are some tips on how to get more juice flowing in your erotic life.
1) Find a partner who is willing to listen and who will be open to exploring and trying new things. If your current partner doesn’t seem open to exploring and being creative, start with the conversation about your desire to bring more juice into your sex and your life. That’s already a desire! Find a solution that would work for both of you where you both feel safe.
2) Set up clear times and dates for your playtime. It helps to know when you will start and when you will end. You can still have spontaneous sex, but these sessions are more about playfully finding ways to step out of the familiar and discover deeper levels of who you are.
3) Make a clear agreement that if your partner expresses a desire that feels unsafe, you may say ‘no.' Or you can say, ‘that sounds like fun, but I need time to think about it,’ or ‘I don’t feel comfortable doing that, but how about this instead?’ One thing to keep in mind is that if your partner says no, it is not a rejection or a judgment about what you have expressed. It is simply them taking care of their own needs and desires. Don’t let that stop you from expressing!
4) Start with getting into the body, with some movement, massage, or deep breathing. This will help you get juicier and find a clearer communication with what you are feeling and desiring, as opposed to what you are thinking. Either massage yourself, or massage each other, play music, have some hot images to look at, talk dirty, or come up with other fun ways to start the juice flowing.
5) Go within and listen to what you are feeling. Where are you feeling a tingling? It could be you genitals, or your nipples, or your butt. It could be your heart and emotional self. When you get a clear feeling, then ask that area of yourself what it wants. Your nipples might say ‘massage’ or ‘pinching.’ Your genitals might say ‘oral stimulation.’ Your butt might say ‘spanking.’ Your heart might say ‘I want to be held for an hour.’ When you get a clear image, then connect with your partner and let them know what you came up with. Give them time to see if they feel comfortable doing it and then give them time to come up with fun creative ways to do it.
6) Learn how to give feedback and do it often. This is the key to ensuring that you get satisfied. Your partner may start giving you oral stimulation, or spanking you. But that doesn’t mean they know exactly how you like it. This is the most sensitive part, but also the most important. This is when you have to overcome a lot to keep asking for what you want until you get it! Feedback is not judgment or criticism. There is no need for your partner to get upset. In fact, in all the work I do I tell the ‘givers’ that when their partner gives feedback, they should respond with ‘thank you.’ This makes sense. They will be grateful that you are telling them what you desire instead of them having to work so hard to figure it out. Also, their ‘thank you’ is a response to your trust of them to be so open about what you desire and who you are. You are daring to be vulnerable. What a great gift.
This is a good start of how to open to a more heightened, juicier erotic experience. You can practice this for years and never run out of things to explore. The more familiar you become with this process and the more comfortable you feel to express your desires with your partner, the more you will stretch your limits and try things you have only read in books or seen in videos. Remember this is all a fun exploration that is meant to remain safe and respectful of yourself and your partner.
As you go deeper into these ‘uncharted territories’ of your deeper desires, you will uncover exciting, creative resources of energy and creativity. You will become a more vital, healthier person. And you will notice more satisfaction and fulfillment in other areas of your life as well. You will truly taste the juice of desire.
About Joe Weston: Joe Weston is an international workshop facilitator and personal life coach. Born and educated in New York, Joe lived in Amsterdam for 17 years and now lives in California. He is committed to helping others embody spirituality and supporting them on their journey towards personal fulfillment and empowerment. Joe brings a wealth of insight to his work based on many teachings, including Tai Chi Chuan and a variety of spiritual traditions—plus his experience in theater and various organizational trainings. He is currently writing a book entitled “Respectful Confrontation: the Path to Compassionate Engagement, True Power and Personal Freedom.” He also volunteers for the Liberation Prison Project, teaching Buddhism to inmates. To find out more about his workshops and his personal coaching, visit www.joeweston.com.
Joe leads lectures and workshops in Respectful Confrontation around the world, including Washington, DC in August and Oakland in August and October. He will lead a workshop Emerging Eros for young adults as well as lead sessions at Gay Spirit Camp for gay men at Easton Mountain Retreat, both in NY in August. For more info, click here.