Coming to terms with emotionally abusive relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2010 6:59 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I split about a month ago and the whole experience was rather tumultuous. I want to post my story on here because it is therapeutic and also because I guess some insight from 3rd parties would really help. As stupid as it sounds, I'm not 100% if my experience would count as abuse.

    So here's my story, I'd love to hear feedback (if you're only comment is "Just move on already...sheesh" then please don't bother replying. It's not constructive). Also, I realize now that a lot of this could have been avoided if I wasn't so naive at the time. This was my first ever relationship and that coupled with a generally low-self esteem on my part kept me in it when I should have ended it long before it finally did.

    So going into my freshman year of college a lot of the gay guys tried finding each other on facebook to chat and whatnot before arriving at school. I started talking to one guy and we clicked really well. We talked for a few weeks online with some mild flirting and vid chatting (pg vid chats...) and I looked forward to meeting him in person. So school starts and we meet up, he's a good guy and we get along great. But a few days later (same week we met each other for the first time) he confessed how much he was in love with me, that he'd do anything for me, etc. He had never experienced anything with anyone before so I guess he was so eager to be with me he went a bit over the top. I got nervous and told him I wanted to take things really slowly and that I could see us being together in the future.

    The next couple of weeks we didn't really see too much of each other. I wanted to give him some space but we still hung out and had some mutual friends, etc. I still wasn't ready for a relationship so I kept myself reserved around him until one day, when I felt settled in enough to college life, I told him I still had feelings for him and if he did for me I'd want us to date. He said yes, we did and for 2 months or so things were great between us. We lost our virginities to eachother too.

    However, over Christmas break he told me he had hooked up with a friend of his who also goes to school with us and who my bf also told me was straight. He was very apologetic and after a lot of talking/arguing I came to forgive him because it was a one time thing and he was honest enough to tell me.

    However, he eventually tells me that he doesn't feel ready for a relationship and when I press him for a reason he gave me two 1) he had started to develop feelings for another guy (not the same guy he hooked up with) and 2) when I initially "rejected" him at the beginning of the year he had become very depressed, even quit his a Capella group (he had told me earlier he quit because the guys were homophobic) and that the depression still lingered and he felt like he might need therapy.

    I felt tremendously bad by all of this and I blamed myself, but at the same time I was incredibly hurt by the fact that he couldn't choose between me and the other guy. The other guy, upon hearing through the grapevine that my bf liked him, started ignoring him because he wasn't interested, only apparently worsening my bf's state of mind.

    I decided to stay friends with him and help him even if he wasn't quite ready for a relationship. Although we wound up arguing a lot anyway because of my hurt feelings.

    I hooked up with him twice during this period. The first time I thought when he initiated that it meant he wanted to get back together and I was disappointed to later find out he just thought of us as "friends." The second time he had said he wanted to give our relationship another shot, but afterward said he still had too much to deal with emotionally and still had lingering feelings for this other guy.

    I told him I wasn't comfortable hooking up with him if we weren't together and he claimed to understand that. He said he didn't necessarily feel the same way about me that he used to but he would always compliment me on how handsome I was, how gorgeous he thought my eyes were, etc and it was like receiving glaring mixed signals.

    Over time I kind of got the feeling that he would fuck with my head. Like some nights we'd make plans to hang out and I'd tell him "call me when you're ready to come over" and he'd never respond. I'd message him the next day being like what happened, and he'd say something like "what, you never txted me...I didn't know you wanted to hang out." He did this about 3 times before I got so pissed that one day we were supposed to hang out and he went to a frat party instead, I went to the frat party as well and when he saw me there I called him an asshole, left with him following and we got into a huge (non-physical) fight.

    Other times if we were discussing an issue between us he'd say something like "I gtg, but I promise we can talk more later." And when I would bring it up again later he'd become upset and seemingly not understand why we're talking about whatever issue it was."

    Nevertheless there were many moments where he was really sweet. If there was a day I didn't contact him I was sure that I'd get at least one sweet message from him. He even took me on a really nice valentine's day dinner and gave me flowers too.
    There were a lot of times also where he came to comfort me if I was ever feeling upset but looking back a lot of these times it seems like he managed to turn the conversation to him and how he's still depressed since when I rejected him in the beginning of the year it changed him and I'd ultimately wind up comforting him.

    So through all this what bothered me the most is that it still seemed like we were a couple but he didn't see it. He called me his ex-boyfriend two days after taking me on that really romantic valentine's day dinner for instance and I didn't know what to make of it. After some talking he said it was like we were still together and that "I guess we're just complicated"

    A while later he came over to hang out and asked if I wanted to hook up with him. I told him we should talk about what we are before hooking up, he agreed. He said a relationship would be too stressful for him and just wanted a friends-with benefits type thing. I told him no, and that if we were to hook up it'd have to be monogamous. He then said he'd be ok with a monogamous friends with benefits. What on earth does that mean? If you're with someone exclusively, at least in my book that means you're a couple. Monogamous fuck buddies? Doesn't make sense.

    So this conversation dragged on for about 2 weeks. With him giving various reasons (all the while assuring me that he really did want me and wanted things to work out between us). He said he wanted to take things slow (being fuck buddies isn't the way to take things slow...), that he couldn't handle a "commitment" (although if you're monogamous that IS a commitment) that we had to try to bring the romance back (and being fuck buddies is going to help bring back romance?), etc, etc.

    At various points if I told him I just give up he would always say something like "why are you giving up on us?" "do you really want to break up?", etc

    I even asked him upfront a few times that if he just wanted to see other people, that he should go ahead and do that instead of stringing me along. He seemed appalled that I would suggest he was stringing me along. And I believed him.

    However it got to the point where I told him I didn't think I could handle him in my life anymore. He told me he didn't want to see us lose everything and fall out of touch so he wanted to talk about it.
    I told him that if he really wanted me he'd date me without this extra bullshit. He then said he didn't want a relationship because I was the only guy he had ever been with (claimed his cheating experience didn't count), all he wanted from me was someone to hook up with on the weekends and that if I didn't want to hook up then and there I could just leave.
  • hockeydude12

    Posts: 169

    Jun 29, 2010 7:13 PM GMT
    Wow, first off good on ya for putting up with all that bs dude! I know this can be very tough, and not fun at all. To be honest, I'd not talk to him for a little while. Your still young dude, and although people say they want monogamous relationships, they forget how tough they can be. Give him some time, he will either miss you or move on. But dont sit and wait for him in my opinion. He may not intentionally be playing head games, but what he is doing is not fair to you. Tell him to go see someone! But dont forget your still young dude!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2010 7:23 PM GMT

    So I was upset and left. We talked the next day and seemingly had NO recollection of what it was he said. He claimed to be drunk although he appeared completely sober. He promised we could talk some more later.

    So we talk again on aim a few days later and when I try to get him to admit he's fucking with me he got extremely defensive. He said I was putting too much pressure on him, that I had way too high standards and that I needed psychological counseling because I treated it like we were about to get married. It was like he was the victim, and I was the abuser (he even called me abusive at one point). We both were so infuriated we ended the chat.

    A few weeks later he wanted to meet up to apologize. He had given me a lot of apologies in the past and I accepted each one of them upfront. But this time I couldn't do that. He said he was going to try hard to make it up to me this time, but it was the last I ever heard from him. I guess he really didn't mean it this time either.

    So, that's my story. I know its long but thank you so much for reading it if you did. I'd appreciate your opinions.

    I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. I don't want to get back together with him either. But if he did ever talk to me, I don't know how I would react.

    Would it be unreasonable of me, if he asked to be friends, to tell him that if he really wants to be friends then he's going to have to work really hard to earn it back? I've moved on in the sense that I don't miss him nor do I care whether or not he's a part of my life, but that doesn't necessarily mean I can forget the past and just let him waltz back into my life if in the future he ever decides to contact me...which I'm pretty sure he won't, so it's a moot point anyway.

    It still hurts every so often and there are a lot of things that still simply don't make sense in my mind. But, what can one do really except try and focus on the present.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 925

    Jul 20, 2010 7:30 AM GMT
    Hmmmm sounds like this guy is using mind games as a means to control you. Normally insecure and immature people like to play mind games.