Coming out stories. I'm not out and thinking about it. Its "comforting" to hear other guys stories.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2010 11:27 AM GMT
    So would love to be able to feel like coming out wouldn't be a life shattering moment. Come from a big family and know it would hurt a lot of people. I'd like to think that one day ill find a man that is willing to stand by and support me with coming out but don't think ill ever find him pretending to b straight.
    It's kind of comforting to get advice and hear other guys stories.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2010 11:45 AM GMT
    There are two "problem" backgrounds: religious and "traditional society" (normally much the same as religious, but without the personal zeal and sense of entitlement that fundamentalists have).

    If your family is not from either of these (you´re australian, not American or Iranian....) it won´t be as bad as you fear.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 30, 2010 12:18 PM GMT
    There are some that may "berate" you if you aren't out, which is unfortunate. It's a trip which we all make individually, its very personal and should not be the subject of judgement by others..

    The degree of being "out" varies. Some here might be "out", but are not comfortable (for personal & professional reasons) to display pictures. You've already taken a step by putting your photo on here. Congrats.

    My suggestion to you is to explore this, "under the radar" (which btw, you are already doing no doubt.. participation on RJ is part of it). You will meet and befriend others who will give you confidence. At some point, you will need to make a decision as to who you want to share this with (or no). Many have found it liberating when they do have that discussion with friends or family. But in the end, its your trip. Don't let anyone else hijack it... in the end its all about your happiness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2010 10:49 PM GMT
    Thanks guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2010 10:52 PM GMT
    LOL, my family is neither ubertraditional nor religious... But still i wouldn't tell my grandparents, and 12 years after I came out, my mom still thinks im in a "phase" or I have to "TRY girls" again, ugh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    Coming out is a lifelong process. It's also very personal, and everyone goes about it in different ways. The important thing is that you own it, it is your life. Let go of trying to anticipate how others will take the news, as some might take it well and others not so well, you can't control that, and to try will be emotional suicide. All you can do is be honest with those you tell, making sure to let them know you're coming from a place of love. Let them know you're telling them because they are important to you and you want them to know every part of you. Assure them that you're the same person you were before, they just have a little more info now.

    This is a great step in every gay mans life, and I wish you the very best. No matter what, remember that you are valuable!

    For me coming out had it's rough spots, but in the end is the best thing I ever did. I have truly been blessed with a loving family that fully accepts me AND my partner (though for some it was a process). Now, I have no tolerance for those with no tolerance, because life is too short!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 30, 2010 11:47 PM GMT
    amar_m saidLOL, my family is neither ubertraditional nor religious... But still i wouldn't tell my grandparents, and 12 years after I came out, my mom still thinks im in a "phase" or I have to "TRY girls" again, ugh


    My mom was "the difficult one" in my coming out. She felt compelled to tell me it was a phase too, and that my partner had probably corrupted me, etc. She was speaking from a deep place of fear. I eventually had to tell her that she was damaging our relationship and she had a choice to make. Either she could continue to deny that part of my life by voicing every thought she had on the subject, and we would have a superficial relationship where it was only phone calls and cards on holidays and birthdays. Or, she could keep her opinions to herself and we'd have a real relationship. I told her blatantly that I needed her love not her judgement, as i had a whole world of that to deal with, and if she didn't want to give that to me I couldn't make her. Ultimately she figured out that having a gay son was actually really great, she now calls my partner more than she does me lol!

    I've since come to realize she needed time to mourn the loss of the life she had imagined for me, and time to see the beauty of the life I really had.

    Sorry for the wordiness! Hope this is helpful in some way.
  • Thomas757

    Posts: 260

    Jun 30, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    amar_m saidLOL, my family is neither ubertraditional nor religious... But still i wouldn't tell my grandparents, and 12 years after I came out, my mom still thinks im in a "phase" or I have to "TRY girls" again, ugh

    haha. sounds like my Dad,
    my Mom now tiptoes around it doing her best to never mention it. Makes for an awkward elephant in the room some days.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    Honestly it was really simple. no one really cared. a couple people were shocked.

    the most interesting was my mother
    i told her and she started crying.
    i said "mom im really sorry"
    she said "i jsut dont want people to make fun of you"
    i paused... "well mom ... honestly no one really does... and if tey do it not cause im gay its cause i say and do stupid things"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    I wish I knew the answer to how to come out to family. Without a doubt, I'll be disowned, kicked out, etc...so yeah...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 3:45 AM GMT
    my dad basically asked without asking, lol, he had it figured out cuz wudnt sleep with a girl who worked for him and wanted me. The way he put it "anyone who turned her down is either dead or gay, and since ur very much alive...well, u figure it out." After that it took me a long time to come up with the courage to tell my friends. All my close friends now know, and i have not had a single problem. The thing I found was that ur mind is more comfortable rationalising how this will ruin u than how this will free u. U are definately coming up with road blocks to ur own happiness because ur in a comfortable "safe" place right now and being out is an unknown. My mom was the hardest to tell. For some reason i told her while watching Olympic figure skating on tv. LOL. She said she just wants me to be happy, and understand this isnt a lifestyle choice. If u provide that info, that u didnt choose this, this is just how u are, it seems to help people digest it better. After all, they never chose to be str8. anyways, hope it works out for u. Im not out at work cuz it isnt a place i wud be comfortable being out at, and its none of their biz anyways.
  • brycetippe

    Posts: 688

    Jul 01, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXvFwzNfl3s

    I put it up on youtube for this exact reason.
    Watch if you're interested. icon_smile.gif
  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Jul 01, 2010 3:51 AM GMT
    jakeblack saidSo would love to be able to feel like coming out wouldn't be a life shattering moment. Come from a big family and know it would hurt a lot of people. I'd like to think that one day ill find a man that is willing to stand by and support me with coming out but don't think ill ever find him pretending to b straight.
    It's kind of comforting to get advice and hear other guys stories.


    Be strong, be courageous it's 2010! ha ha. I come from a bit family and I came out about 20 and for me it's never really been that big of a deal of course I had a few apprehensions but it was because of the unknown but I've always been pretty confident in who I am in general and had the respect of my family so for them it was an easy transition. I think when you come out it might be hard at first but in the end it'll be the best thing you ever did! Just know that it might be difficult for you but that is part of the process, you'll learn so much about a lot of things...you, your family, etc; but at the end of the day it's your life and you have to be true to yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    Its definately a scary step to take no doubt. I am one of the lucky ones. I started with my mom and just slowly made the rounds. You have to feel comfortable with it and go at your own pace. No one else knows whats right for YOU.

    Just remember to keep your head up and be proud of who you are when the time comes. When people see the confidence you have in yourself, they are less likely to react negatively. Well thats been my experience. I'm sure its different for everyone.

    I can only hope you are as pleasantly surprised as I was. If youre a good guy and treat people with respect, then people wont care because being gay doesnt define you as a person.

    Good Luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 4:47 AM GMT
    I honestly don't think you're comfortable with the thought of being gay yourself... For starters, you refer to yourself as a "straight acting bi-curious guy," which leads me to wonder why you even have to come out. If you really are bi-curious- then you'll only hook up with men, on occasion, but will date and marry women... so "burdening" yourself with this fear of not being accepted by your family is unnecessary. Although, if by "bi-curious" you mean you're "testing the water-" but are pretty confident you might develop a strong sexual and emotional connection with men- ...then I would suggest that you wait until you're absolutely sure about being gay before you potentially alienate somebody close to you.
    Find inner peace first... icon_smile.gif

    My coming out was messy. Not bad or good.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    mom said she always knew. brother actually had told me previously that he knew before coming out (awkward), and my dad acted like it wasn't coming when he found out. my friends were all awesome about it. You'll be a lot happier out of the closet with ur family and friends i knew i was.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 5:14 AM GMT
    My parents put together my lack of dating in school with questions of sexuality. They asked more than once, but I was never comfortable with yes. (I didn't care for a relationship and was afraid of being put in a social box.) Although, being a hardcore Bible believer didn't help with my internal conflict of interest.

    College showed me how silly the unwavering Bible belief was. (My favorite professor taught a course on how many questions still lie in the text and we had a few good discussions about how we had the same upbringing.) Along with conversations with friends in college and online, I found the reason I had denied my interest in guys. I had let others' perceptions come before my own.

    From that moment my sophomore year, I began to feel completely comfortable with myself. Letting others know took a lot of nerve, but as the roommate and I had one of our late night off-to-bed discussions I felt my heart start beating out of my chest and words forming. I pulled them back a few times before finally letting out 'I'm into both sexes.' His response brought some relaxation 'Yeah, I could see that.' We talked a bit more and he shared he had thought I was gay...it was also relieving to hear he had though about being with guys.

    The next day the roomie shared with the neighbors who were nonchalant. One still remains my best friend. The fun story, and the reason for all of the above is junior year I went out to supper with my mom. She had returned from the bathroom and asked who I had sent a text to as she sat. 'Corey; he says he wants crab legs the next time we come.' She surprised me by lacking any time to think about what I had said. 'Who's Corey? You dating him? Why haven't I met him?' We then talked about how 'my kind' were just looking for happiness and how she had had her suspicions but didn't want to mess with my life. She's a pretty awesome mom. icon_smile.gif

    That was a lot; hope it helps you in the smallest way. My advice is to figure yourself out and when you are comfortable enough the discussions will come naturally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    Huskerman saidIts definately a scary step to take no doubt. I am one of the lucky ones. I started with my mom and just slowly made the rounds. You have to feel comfortable with it and go at your own pace. No one else knows whats right for YOU.

    Just remember to keep your head up and be proud of who you are when the time comes. When people see the confidence you have in yourself, they are less likely to react negatively. Well thats been my experience. I'm sure its different for everyone.

    I can only hope you are as pleasantly surprised as I was. If youre a good guy and treat people with respect, then people wont care because being gay doesnt define you as a person.

    Good Luck!


    This. Hands down, this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 01, 2010 5:37 AM GMT
    Seems to me that every coming out story is completely different. The religious/sissy side of my family flipped and thought I was going to hell. The redneck/butch side of my family could not have been more supportive. It was really precisely the opposite of my prediction.

    All I can say, is to make sure that before you come out, have a plan and system of support in place in case it comes to the worst. I obviously don't know if you live at home, but if you have a friend that knows ask if you can stay there for a while, just in case.

    Also, think very carefully about your motivations and whether you're ready personally to deal with it all. It can be the most liberating and/or horrifying experience of your life. For me it was both.
  • xcvbn

    Posts: 141

    Jul 16, 2010 8:15 AM GMT
    This weekend I just came out to three of my best friends and it couldn't have gone better.The conversation started like any regular one.. and turned to relationships/sex.

    Well the conversation turned into a "never have i ever"/ lets tell each other things we've never told each other. It was hilarious, we learned each others secret passions, biggest fears... and well i felt like there was no better time to come out.. so i took initiative and i asked some of my gf's if they'd ever kissed a girl. They asked me if i had ever kissed a guy... and well the rest is history.

    I actually came out the same way to another friend. Family however, was completely different.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2010 8:31 AM GMT
    Well I hope the OP, "Jake" is doing well. Always kind of hope to hear back and get feedback. If he does start the process, I hope it all goes well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2010 8:39 AM GMT
    I was never terribly close with my father until I came out. We went from hardly saying hello to him nearly beating up a guy for saying bad things about queers. It was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2010 9:29 AM GMT
    I'll spare you the details, but my coming out story is neither inspirational, nor pleasant. I wasn't able to come out on my own; I was thrown out of the closet by a family member and, boy, was it messy. I found myself with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to, but was soon surrounded by the most amazing extended family of gays and lesbians. They took me in, brushed me off, and taught me to be proud of myself.

    The journey's not always easy, but it is always worth the trouble.

    Best of luck.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 16, 2010 10:34 AM GMT
    You'll have to get to the point where the lying and the hiding of almost all aspects of your life .... just so other people can be "comfortable" becomes too much for you to continue

    I was all set to get engaged and in my dysfunctional mind thought I'd be able to go through with it but I was able to see that I was not only ruining my life but the life of my then wife to be

    Remember that you are you .... and anybody who would keep you in the position where you have to lie cheat and live life unhappily doesn't really love you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 16, 2010 10:56 AM GMT
    You wouldn't want to hear my story but I will say DON'T come out until you're ready to and that you've accepted who you are. Know that you are ready to deal with whatever your parents and your 'friends' reaction will be. You WILL find out who your true friends are, and what your parents really think about you. Just remember whatever happens with who you tell, there are people who care, and will be there for you.
    Best wishes!
    Don't accept limits just because someone says they are so.