Long Distance Relationships/Feelings.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    The other day a friend pointed out something about long distance relationships that had never struck me. Speaking about his ex he said: "it means that he still cannot be emotionally close to someone and eventually find a chemistry with someone that he doesn't have to be with constantly or expect to evolve emotionally with them over time. Long distance means there's no physical contact, which is a big part of a relationship. The fact that all couples (eventually) move to be in the same place proves this. You can ignore someone as much as you want and use any excuse you want, because they can only be so much a part of your life."

    I never viewed a long distance relationship as something that only emotionally stunted people did. I think a lot of gay guys go through this at some point, either because of the small pool of local, acceptable men or, as I like to fantasize, because that special someone is just not conveniently located within your 50 mile radius. But looking back I see this fitting with previous relationships, on both sides. Obviously the cases are situational but from your experiences is this always how it is? Even after people move together, does it work out well more often than not?

    Is a LDR something people who want to be emotionally unattached but not lonely do? Or is it just a new way of dating, given the shrinking size of the globe and the ease at which we can find/be with one another due to technology?

    And are they a good thing to be involved in...
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    Jul 03, 2010 3:23 AM GMT
    I can understand both sides of this. Every LDR is different, mine had aspects of both by the time it was over. For myself, I consider a possible LDR right on the same level as a local one at this point because I'm in my last year of college with plans of moving as soon as I graduate, so why not pursue something elsewhere anyway? But you're totally right that for some people, an LDR gives them just the right amount of a romantic/sexual connection with a person without having to deal with them 24/7, but still knowing that they're always there... somewhere.
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    Jul 03, 2010 3:25 AM GMT
    I wish couples the best in making a long distance thing work. But it will never, ever be for me.
  • HankFit247

    Posts: 205

    Jul 03, 2010 3:37 AM GMT
    I met mine at Chicago Pride 2009, while he was going to school in California. We later connected via FB whereby we established our foundation of friendship and obvious mutual sexual interest. In the end he knows ‘where my heart is’ as I his, and just spent 7 days together for Chicago Pride 2010. If all goes well, I’ll be moving after the 4 season/12 month rule; in the meantime we have various trips planned.

    However to answer your question, LDRs are based on Trust and Communication. We chat daily via FB, txt, email, and talk on the phone almost daily.

    The key is to ‘not feel like your starting over at every visit’, to do this we create a quasi Schedule of Events, thoroughly discuss the plan before arrival, and plan for plenty of down time/alone time (him out with his friends, me out with mine). Secondly, at the bottom of our schedule we list our ‘other options or site we’d like to see’. Lastly, neither of us have Expectations, instead we create ‘Experiences we’d like to share with one another’. Expectations lead to Resentments.
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    Jul 11, 2010 6:14 AM GMT
    LDR's are only meant to be temporary with the hope they become a single location status in the end. Its never a permanent thing unless they cannot control the circumstances but their love is stronger than that. And having some sort of connection is better than none.

    Its what I have learnt in the last few months anyways..
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    Jul 11, 2010 9:02 AM GMT
    For five years, I was involved with a guy that lived in the south of France even though I lived in Seattle. Every six weeks, we would travel back and forth across the pond, spending as much time together as we could grab. We took holidays together, we read books together, we learned a language together. Eventually, we both left our countries for a third country where we could live in the same place. Now I live in Europe.

    We were both determined enough to make it happen, and that right there is the real formula for overcoming any obstacle. Any question on these forums can be answered with that formula. If both partners are determined enough, what is "possible" for other people doesn't really matter.

    I think the heart is a lot like the brain in that it is very complicated, we only use a very small part of it to full potential, and we can never really understand the rules and limits as much as we want to. Like anything in life though, you gotta want it bad enough to make it happen.

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    Jul 11, 2010 9:38 AM GMT
    Hmmm don't consider myself emotionally stunted because I'm in a LDR or that I want to have the best of both words... I'm in a LDR because of circumstance not choice. Do I want to live with my partner... hell yeah! But at this present moment in time that is not possible, so we're doing our best to work around it! Luckily we at least live on the same continent.

    Like Hank247 we use all methods to communicate and to an extent "replicate" as best we can what we would have if we lived together. It's not easy and it does require trust, but more importantly ground rules...so both people know exactly where they stand.. e.g. frequency of visits and channels of communication, monogamous v open etc etc. I sometimes wonder what I would have done without Skype, email and sms....icon_smile.gif

    That means we engage in the mundane day to day conversations that all couples have, as well as having the deep and meaningfuls - which to mind is incredibly important. When we meet up (a minimum of once a month - ground rule 1 for us) it is our time together.. and although we don't exclude friends always, any interaction with others is kept to a comfortable minimum, i.e. enough for my/his friends to get to know me/him, but not spending the whole day of a long weekend with other people.....

    And the physical side is not just to fuck like bunnies when we do see each other, but to enjoy each other's physical presence!We go on holidays and weekend breaks together as often as we can. But he also knows if I'm meeting friends for drinks/dinner...and vice versa, not as a control mechanism, but again "replicating" what would happen if we were living together!

    And yes it does have some benefits... inasmuch as when we are not together I can socialise to my heart's content without someone complaining that I've been out again blah blah blah... but in my view that is small change in comparison to having him here

    Are they good to be in? Depends entirely on the people involved... this is no one size fits all scenario.... to be successful they require large amounts of effort and energy... but the rewards are worth it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2010 9:44 AM GMT
    thats why skype exists.

    my future husbands in south africa..... cam2cam for now! hahahaicon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2010 7:56 PM GMT
    Sometimes, they can be, as you said "emotionally stunted." Mine was. Sometimes, it is a necessity.

    I had one 6 yrs ago. I was in my first year of medical school. He lived in another city 400 miles away. I would have never asked him to come to me. I simply would not be able to handle the guilt.
    Web chatting worked for some time. We lasted for 8 months. We visited every 2/3 weeks. We simply did not have enough time for each other. At that point, I would not have a let a man ruin my career.
    We simply did not have enough love for each other.

    A lot of straight people have long distance relationship. You just have to want it enough.
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    Jul 13, 2010 9:53 PM GMT
    The romantic in all of us wishes that they did work. Experience however shows that 90% of the time long distance relationships do not work. I only know of one couple that started out living on different continents and now are married. But I know an endless number of cases in which it did not work no matter how perfect the couple seemed to be initially.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 05, 2011 3:36 PM GMT
    i do not know if it as black and white as your friend is making out to be. i mean there could be different scenarios that play into a long distance relationship. however, i could never be in one because i would want to spend a lot of time with them. if i could not see them on a regular basis then i would never developed any type of connection with them
  • Mondo_Bongo

    Posts: 80

    Jul 13, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    it will never works
  • Scorpio1113

    Posts: 90

    Jul 13, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I are in a semi-long distance. Certainly not as far as some of you. I'll admit that it is somewhat difficult. I do not get to see him all the time, and given my timid personality it took longer for me to get comfortable. That feeling is gone. There is the advantage of not feeling suffocated. I can't say whether or not I would, though. The distance does make seeing or hearing him even better. It is so relieving. Plus it is easier for us not to take each other for granted. 

    Communication and trust are important. We talk everyday, for hours at times. We watch movies or shows together on the phone. We used to webcam, but neither of us have laptops at this moment. 

    One day we hope to be in the same area, if we don't move in together. Though the latter is too soon to tell. 

    LDR are not doomed. They just need dedication, I assume, just like any other relationship. 
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    Long-distance relationships may work for some but not for others. LDR necessarily requires emotional strength, mental stamina, an exceedingly positive attitude, boundless optimism, high self-esteem, independence and, most of all, a complete trust in each other. LDR will ultimately fail if the people involved start taking each other for granted. Communication is key, as are set boundaries or parameters that govern the relationship. The more amorphous or ambiguous the relationship is, the greater are the chances of failure. Of course, the principal risk inherent in an LDR is that one or both the parties might find someone else that's geographically closer. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to an LDR. The parties involved must, of necessity, find the best approach that works for them--an approach that is well-articulated and understood by both. Otherwise, failure is likely imminent.