Breaking up with bf while visiting him

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 12:01 AM GMT
    So the bf and I have been long-distance for the past year, after 3.5 years of a "real life" relationship. I thought we could make it work, but lately I've realized that we've been growing apart the whole time, and there's really not much of a relationship left.

    Anyway, here I am, at his place on the third day of a 2-week visit, and I've basically broken up with him. Wasn't planned at all, but in person it became painfully clear that it just wasn't working anymore.

    We're being mature about it, no wailing or anger (we get along great; that wasn't our problem) -- but man, it's still pretty weird! What are we gonna do for the next 10 days? This is awkward! Yes, I'm stupid and this could have been planned better, but there you have it...

    So I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation -- broken up but kinda stuck together for a while. What did you do? How did it turn out?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 01, 2010 12:17 AM GMT
    Maybe you should consider moving up your flight or finding a hotel.
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    Jul 01, 2010 12:21 AM GMT
    Are you guys planning to remain friends? If so, maybe use the time to reacquaint yourselves as that. Establish new parameters etc.
  • Crucializer

    Posts: 389

    Jul 01, 2010 12:22 AM GMT
    If its too weird I would get a hotel - maybe visit other people you might know in town. Its an extra expense, yeah, but, it might be worth it. I would feel really weird and awkward . . . . icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 12:24 AM GMT
    eh... break up sex. that should help. hell it might rekindle the flame. or help find closer. if not then at least u found a way to kill some time
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    Jul 01, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    Oh man I'd just go home
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jul 01, 2010 12:27 AM GMT
    Not the same situation as you but I'm living with my ex as we try to sell the house. So the same in the sense of shifting from partners to good friends. I commend you both to be able to address this maturely without anger or other emotional baggage.

    My recommendation is to take the time to re-establish your relationship as friends so that you can make that work. A little difficult and awkward perhaps, but could lead to a long-term friendship that will always be special to both of you (versus just drifting apart).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    Will83 said What are we gonna do for the next 10 days? This is awkward!

    So I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation -- broken up but kinda stuck together for a while. What did you do? How did it turn out?


    I've been there, and in the absence of any negative feelings towards each other, we had a week of amazing breakup sex. We were both sad when I had to leave, but did not regret fucking like crazed weasels while we were still able.

    There will probably be some hurt when you guys start seeing other people. I wouldn't actively hide it from each other, but don't rub it in each other's noses either.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jul 01, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    My bf of a couple years visited me while I was doing summer research in Amsterdam (this was several years ago) and announced that he was breaking up with about a week to go in his visit. There wasn't any fighting or anything that led up to it, just something he had concluded before he came to visit.

    It was definitely a strange feeling to be spending the remaining time together knowing that when he flew back to the U.S. we would no longer be in a relationship. However, there was so much mutual good will that it blunted the pain, though I still remember how empty I felt when he left.

    I agree with the other posters who suggested that it might be a good opportunity to re-establish your relationship on a different level. However, if it's too intense or painful, I'd suggest booking an earlier departure. Good luck!
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    Jul 01, 2010 1:04 AM GMT
    My recommendation would be a little time and distance. Remaining together has to be a bit of a painful reminder, every time you see each other.

    Give it a little time and then re-establish the long distance part of it. Become friends again without the fresh pain.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 1:07 AM GMT
    why stay there? Id get the hell out and go home.
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    Jul 01, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    Thanks for the replies, guys...I figured I wasn't the only one to be in a situation like this.

    I like the idea of using the time to re-establish our relationship on a different level. Hard to stop cuddling though...that's one thing we always did well!
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    Jul 01, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    Will83 saidThanks for the replies, guys...I figured I wasn't the only one to be in a situation like this.

    I like the idea of using the time to re-establish our relationship on a different level. Hard to stop cuddling though...that's one thing we always did well!


    I agree that if he's a life-time friend, that this could be an opportune time to shift things from one state to another.

    I had an experience last summer with a long distance relationship where similar to you, I landed on the ground in Europe (I live in Canada) and within the first day of a two week visit, knew that not only were we done, but that I really didn't want him in my life at all. It all came to a head five days later, we had a big blow-out, and I called and moved up my flight and came home a week early rather than stay in his space because it was a highly emotionally charged break-up. We have not spoken or communicated since.

    So there you go, two ends of the spectrum. Let us know what you decide to do. Maybe you'll come up with a middle path!

    Good luck.
  • jock8873

    Posts: 120

    Jul 01, 2010 2:24 AM GMT
    very surprised by the mature responses, very kewl advice guys
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 4:12 AM GMT
    Leave asap, its prob way weird for him right now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 5:10 AM GMT
    Hey Will, Sorry to hear about your dilemma. Picking up on sdgmans comment on feeling pain when you two are together, maybe if you both feel pain on what you are thinking is a breakup, Maybe your still in love. Remember what drew you together the first time. It could still be there. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 2:29 PM GMT
    scottjock6, you speak a great truth, " Remember what drew you together the first time. It could still be there."


    Many relationships fade because they forget. I look at Bill, and he looks at me, and we each see each other as we were when we met. It makes love ageless. I look in the mirror and see how the years have worn me. Bill looks at me and sees a 34 year old Doug. I see him this way, too. The other day he told me about all the lines in his face now. I had to look with that in mind, or I wouldn't have noticed. This is a trite example, sorry.

    The most powerful aspect about your statement is that what draws us to each other is a combination of voice, touch, visuals, smell, the facets of personality. Together they create as magic as old as the world (to wax poetic, lol).

    Another fav expression of mine is, "Arms remember when eyes forget." because it applies to all the senses.

    -Doug
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jul 01, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    timing IS everything in life! icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 4:11 PM GMT
    This sorta happened to me...apart of me resents the fact that he decided to come the entire weekend and wait till the very last moment. I honestly do not know if I will ever forgive him; however with time it only becomes a distant memory of great times shared.

    You see...it turned out to be an incredible holiday weekend until the last night prior to his departure. We laid there in bed naked, cuddling, and then it got awkward and emotions began to flair... I wish he'd never came to visit and left it at that - it was already over a month since we last saw each other bc of schedules; in the end he played with my emotions & heart. I'm not embarrassed to admit I'm still dealing with this but as strong as I am...healing comes with patience & time. Every set of words dealing from anger to hurt to love...still rumbles throughout my skin, but I'll be fine. icon_wink.gif

    I'm glad to see you both have no anger, but allow some space and give him room. At this moment, your only causing self-inflicted wounds....pain/sorrow will follow suite soon. And if you believe there isn't any...then you really did not love him. Everyone experiences love in the utmost rollercoaster way, but respect his time to heal as well as yours. My advice, Go Home...

    I swear...it's been a summer of break ups and heartaches. For those in sincere relationships - I wish you the best and ever-growing time together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 4:13 PM GMT
    Go home.
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    Jul 01, 2010 5:42 PM GMT
    Are you in love? Answer that? Why in the past 3.5 years. You havent planned us or how you would be. I think from the sound of it you might be in love. I think this was the ooprtunity to make a decision in your life. Whether moving there or him moving. Not sure if job stability permits, but after 3.5 years I can only sit but wonder what was going between you too.
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    Jul 01, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    Also what ever happened to Hopeless in love, those great love stories of our past ancestors were they fairy tales?. I can remember my grands and parents relationships. They werent together by condition. It was true love. I guess in our individualistic society we lose ourselves in ourselves and dont have time to put up with loving someone. I can only imagine if two people really wanted to be together what would happen. I think it was be schoking now a days.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 01, 2010 5:55 PM GMT
    Will83 saidThanks for the replies, guys...I figured I wasn't the only one to be in a situation like this.

    I like the idea of using the time to re-establish our relationship on a different level. Hard to stop cuddling though...that's one thing we always did well!


    I like that idea too, and if cuddling is still going on than it really does sound like things are going ok. It just sounds like if you two were close in distance than the relationship could work out. But considering the long distance limitations you will both have to settle for being VERY good friends and still love and care for each other as friends.

    Wait, did you get what I was implying with "very" good friends? *wink wink*
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jul 01, 2010 5:56 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidMaybe you should consider moving up your flight or finding a hotel.


    Agreed- survery says

    #1 answer. We"ll be right back to Family Feud after these messages...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidMaybe you should consider moving up your flight or finding a hotel.


    2nd this...