Where are the late bloomers and what's your advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2010 2:12 AM GMT
    I created a profile on here to start getting advice from guys who seem more like me about late blooming. I shelved feelings for guys for a long time and enjoyed dating women, but after a recent move I realize I have a blank slate to work from.

    I'd like to get advice at easing in well and finding out what it's like to date a man I have feelings for without a pre-emptive strike of "coming out" to everyone only to find that maybe it's not all for me. I've had a couple experiences with guys and some of it was great, but some of it didn't thrill me. I'm monogomous at heart and think that I won't find my answer until I'm really into someone. Hook-ups don't tell me a lot since I'm fluid enough to find pleasure in most physical interaction.

    Also, sexual identity can be a bit stressful and adding that to a recent move and starting a new career can be alot to do at once. What are your guys' stories and recommendations or warnings? Thanks!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 03, 2010 2:57 AM GMT
    Well welcome to RJ and to the forums. I'll be glad to give you a little input.

    I absolutely fit your description. I was 32 when I really decided I needed to
    explore this side of myself.. I owed it to myself out of respect to who I am (and I didn't want to be 50 someday and never have allowed myself to explore who I really am)

    I talked to guys online... using a site called "Manline" (based out of Toronto),
    it helped considerably.. later more local discussion and met a gentleman who moved back to Kansas from Denver. Nice guy, friendly guy... had no idea he would become my one and only bf and partner. He could have used and jerked me around since I was clueless.Instead he put up with my wild sexual activity in a relatively private means.... I slowly "came out" (I think it really took about 3.5 years from start to finish. Nobody told me I needed to be doing "this" or "that" or put some stupid guilt trip on me about my need to come clean immediately. I did it the way it made sense for me.... and you do so too.

    Your path is yours to create... I'm confident it will be the right one. Good luck
    and never hesitate to ask questions or talk about experiences. In the end, its all about your happiness......
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    It can be hard, blooming late.

    I'm 26 and basically came out when I was 24 (I'd always known, was certain at 18, and kept it quiet and repressed until 6 years later).

    I'm not doing very well. Dating and sex are an unfortunately skewed thing for me. But I recognize it, and hope it will improve in the future.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2010 3:35 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan said

    Your path is yours to create... I'm confident it will be the right one. Good luck
    and never hesitate to ask questions or talk about experiences. In the end, its all about your happiness......


    I agree! While I came out in my early twenties, my partner was nearly thirty before he did. I'm actually glad, as it kept him off the market until we met. icon_lol.gifThere is a ten year age difference between us.
  • DareJ

    Posts: 10

    Jul 03, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    Interesting and very pertinent topic. I'm 50, married (to a woman) with kids, and still in the process of 'coming out'. In the past two years, i've revealed my 'secret identity' to just about everyone who is important to me (including my parents); I told my wife 15 years ago, before our engagement, that I was attracted to men and had experimented sexually with men, but we both thought I could overcome it. (Christian morals left me not much of a choice at the time; but as we say in French, "le naturel revient au galop" -- your real self has a way of galloping back into your life, like it or not).

    I'm still very much at a point of ambivalence and uncertainty. Maybe I shouldn't be revealing myself so openly to a community I really don't know: kind of dangerous, potentially. But I have no real gay friends here in Montreal, no one to talk to except friends who encourage me to keep struggling against being who I am convinced I am. I am 'here' because I am also exploring options for my life, trying to see what I want to be when I grow up. I know this is irresponsible in many ways, since my wife is unaware. I'm ashamed of this but feel like my Shadow is taking more and more space in my life.

    And the struggle is difficult: I feel torn between responsibility (to my wife, my marriage, my sons) and authenticity (being who I really am, despite what it may cost me). And to make things more complicated, I feel hornier now that I did when I was 15 years old, sexually drawn by guys I see at random. Those repressed feelings are out with a vengeance. (I think that's why I'm so attracted by young guys, who are the age where I should have assumed my real self).

    Feel free to share your advice, experiences, recommendations, even anger with me about how I am acting: I'm open to anything. Thanks to "MaybeJustKind" for opening up this dialogue for us late bloomers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2010 5:26 AM GMT
    came out to my wife Jan 09, tried to work through it but hit a wall and left 6 months ago and live on my own. Have 2 daughters. Took me years to sort through my emotions. I loved my wife, we were best friends since 15, but my attraction to men was in such denial, i didn't realize i was gay until my late 30s or around 40. As I became more and more aware of my attraction to men, it freaked me out and i prayed about it for YEARS. I finally gave up and eventually peeled back all the layers of societal pressure and religious guilt and personal terror to gain my conviction and clarity. I love men.
    Amen!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2010 5:56 AM GMT
    . . . MaybeJustKinda? . . . you are a disservice to queers . . . It's 2010 -- if you like dick, say so; if you don't, fuck off . . . make up your silly mind

    . . . do you have any idea the sacrifices that have been made so that ponces like you can wallow in your faux-angst??

    . . . just buy a pair and be authentic . . .
  • bladeaddict

    Posts: 93

    Jul 03, 2010 6:07 AM GMT
    noren said . . . MaybeJustKinda? . . . you are a disservice to queers . . . It's 2010 -- if you like dick, say so; if you don't, fuck off . . . make up your silly mind

    . . . do you have any idea the sacrifices that have been made so that ponces like you can wallow in your faux-angst??

    . . . just buy a pair and be authentic . . .


    OK, that's a whole lot of anger with absolutely no understanding of where another guy might be coming from. It's a cliché, but walk a mile in his shoes, man, before you judge somebody like that. You only reveal your own narrow-mindedness when you react like that. Look within yourself and figure out what that anger is all about; these guys commenting in this thread are all courageous in their own ways; they all have their own mountains to climb. They don't owe you, or anyone else, anything.

    And, while I'm at it, some of us like dick AND pussy (to put it in your asshole-crude parlance). Deal with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 03, 2010 6:13 AM GMT
    billyboystl saidcame out to my wife Jan 09, tried to work through it but hit a wall and left 6 months ago and live on my own. Have 2 daughters. Took me years to sort through my emotions. I loved my wife, we were best friends since 15, but my attraction to men was in such denial, i didn't realize i was gay until my late 30s or around 40. As I became more and more aware of my attraction to men, it freaked me out and i prayed about it for YEARS. I finally gave up and eventually peeled back all the layers of societal pressure and religious guilt and personal terror to gain my conviction and clarity. I love men.
    Amen!



    And men love you. They will. I promise icon_cool.gif
  • bumblejacket

    Posts: 66

    Jul 03, 2010 6:13 AM GMT
    similar situation to you guys.
    still dont know at times. it switches every now and then. i see a hot guy there my stick points that way. but then curveball happens and i see this pretty girl then it goes that way. at these times, when i see a goodlooking guy, i think to myself, "i am just as goodlooking as you" and move on.
    yeah im confused.
  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Jul 03, 2010 6:52 AM GMT
    Wow! This is just the forum for me! I was 35 before I finally allowed myself to explore this side of me. I have always wanted the wife and kids and white picket fence, but my life long, intense attraction to men never allowed that to happen. My kind and loving but homophobic family kept me in the closet for years. I envy the guys who were able to make it work with a woman enough to have kids. Whenever I got close to a woman, I hated myself for lying to her so much that I made myself sick!

    Then I found Real Jock! It was like a dream come true! Finally a place to be myself and to meet other guys just like me! I have made some amazing friends here, and I have poured my heart out to them and am feeling much more comfortable as a gay man. I finally met one in person, and he has become one of the best friends I have ever had! He has shown me the gay village in the city and introduced me to his friends and just made me feel completely comfortable with who I am, for the first time ever.

    I am new at dating men, but I am really enjoying it. I thought that my attraction to men would decrease as I got older, but if anything, it has become stronger, and I am getting GAYER as I get older! Thankfully I have the libido of a teenage boy, so this new life is going to be completely satisfying! icon_twisted.gif

    I am still working on telling the family. I am not ashamed of who I am, just so sorry that I will be disappointing them so much. Mom is gonna be crushed, she wants me to have a traditional family more than anything, and she is the ultimate grandmother to my brother's kids.

    Oh well, gotta live the life that truly makes me happy, and this is it! Maybe they'll see me on the news coverage of the Pride parade that I will be attending this weekend! icon_biggrin.gif
  • discoteca

    Posts: 23

    Jul 03, 2010 10:26 AM GMT
    I left it until I was 35 to come out, I regret in some ways not being honest to myself in my late teens and early 20`s, but life and career kept me busy, dated girls, rather shyly, and only lost my str8 virginity at 22 !! Monogamy is someting I definitely subscribe to, because even after my roller coaster life, being married, having kids, and being divorced at 34,coming out didn`t change my basic approach to sex, asin I felt it difficult to sleep around.I still do, and when I`m not in a relationship,I genuinely have to push myself out there. The gay scene thrives on casual sex, and whilst I`m no prude, I do enjoy meeting sexy guys and if that spark is there ? I will make the most of it, but I`m a relationship guy at heart,and since coming out have had 3 fantatsic live-in b/f`s, but have been single the last 2 yrs....maybe I`m getting fussy lol :p.

    Congrats on making the change, be strong and true to yourself icon_smile.gif

    Phil x
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 08, 2010 12:51 AM GMT
    I was 37 when I came out....13 years ago.....I have 3 sons oldest is 25, middle is 18 and youngest is 15. I got full custody and they all CHOSE to stay with me over their mom. I am completely out to my parents, friends, family, coworkers , and wherever I am....no secrets...........open and honest is so much easier....Yes their was some drama and lots of tears and pleading to "overcome this problem" and it cost me my "common law wife"...never married formally....but we lived together many years....
    Always come out on your own schedule, for your own reasons and in a place of your choosing....Make a plan and then do it and protect yourself as best you can from potential surprises.... My family is all good with who I am. When they figured out that this wasn't just a "phase" or my midlife crisis...they got over it...I lost a few friends along the way, but I also gained many more than I lost.......It was a good thing for me and I am happier for it.....you will be too!
    Good Luck!
    Garyicon_biggrin.gif
  • romern

    Posts: 35

    Jul 08, 2010 1:09 AM GMT
    I appreciate this forum and all of the responses as well. I am pretty much in the same boat right now as well. I'm 34 yrs old, divorced for almost 3 yrs now and have two beautiful daughters. It has been difficult to fully be comfortable with myself as well, so I am also learning from all of your responses. I found it very easy to use religion to keep my true feelings in check. Still learning to be comfortable with me...icon_confused.gif