Jul 04, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
I don't really know where to start since it has been a problem for a while already..
I've always been attracted to guys, when I was younger and in primary school I had little-kid relationships with girls but that didnt matter. I always looked at my brother's friends and wanted to belong to the group of the bigger guys.
Im 20 know and I'm not out yet. I have been thinking about coming out since I was 16, since most guys start to date girls then. I didn't.. but it was not that strange yet, I'm quite strong verbally so I've always managed to keep the conversations about girlfriends short and always made up a 'good' reason not to date any girls.
Also I'm very attracted to masculin guys, (i don't wanna start a discussion here about what's masculin and what's feminin btw) and I always try to behave as masculin as possible since that's what society(at least in the village where I live) also expects from a guy.
What happened yesterday evening was that a friend of a friend came to me in the bar, and she was a little drunk. She offered me a drink and then asked me, So tell me, do you like boys or girls? I instantly replied I liked girls and asked her why she asked me. So she said, well people talk about you and say that you're gay. This really hurt me. Not that i think it's an insult to be found gay by people but just because I'm not accepting yet that I am gay. I live in a village of 5-6 thousand people and my family is well-known. So people talk about us.
It really got me thinking though that I won't be able to live on like this. Also I wondered if I send out a gay-vibe or something. I must be cause people talk about me being gay. She said it was probably because I did a social study and I never had a girlfriend yet and people didn't understand why.
I like masculin guys, so I think if I want to attract those kind of guys later on when/if I finally accepted my sexuality, I should act masculin too. Also her confronting me with this like the way she did made me feel really uncomfortable and made me realize that sooner or later people will find out and talk about me. Being gay where I live is not as usual as being gay in Amsterdam, for instance.
After I have my bachelors degree I want to move away, I really like the USA and wanna go there. Hoping that I can discover my true self there. And hoping on that guy that helps me and understands me.
The reason why I posted this is cause I have this really bad feeling about myself now, I try not to care too much about what people say about me, but I do it anyway. How can I start accepting that I am gay?
I've always been attracted to guys, when I was younger and in primary school I had little-kid relationships with girls but that didnt matter. I always looked at my brother's friends and wanted to belong to the group of the bigger guys.
Im 20 know and I'm not out yet. I have been thinking about coming out since I was 16, since most guys start to date girls then. I didn't.. but it was not that strange yet, I'm quite strong verbally so I've always managed to keep the conversations about girlfriends short and always made up a 'good' reason not to date any girls.
Also I'm very attracted to masculin guys, (i don't wanna start a discussion here about what's masculin and what's feminin btw) and I always try to behave as masculin as possible since that's what society(at least in the village where I live) also expects from a guy.
What happened yesterday evening was that a friend of a friend came to me in the bar, and she was a little drunk. She offered me a drink and then asked me, So tell me, do you like boys or girls? I instantly replied I liked girls and asked her why she asked me. So she said, well people talk about you and say that you're gay. This really hurt me. Not that i think it's an insult to be found gay by people but just because I'm not accepting yet that I am gay. I live in a village of 5-6 thousand people and my family is well-known. So people talk about us.
It really got me thinking though that I won't be able to live on like this. Also I wondered if I send out a gay-vibe or something. I must be cause people talk about me being gay. She said it was probably because I did a social study and I never had a girlfriend yet and people didn't understand why.
I like masculin guys, so I think if I want to attract those kind of guys later on when/if I finally accepted my sexuality, I should act masculin too. Also her confronting me with this like the way she did made me feel really uncomfortable and made me realize that sooner or later people will find out and talk about me. Being gay where I live is not as usual as being gay in Amsterdam, for instance.
After I have my bachelors degree I want to move away, I really like the USA and wanna go there. Hoping that I can discover my true self there. And hoping on that guy that helps me and understands me.
The reason why I posted this is cause I have this really bad feeling about myself now, I try not to care too much about what people say about me, but I do it anyway. How can I start accepting that I am gay?