trouble with accepting my sexuality

• Nayro
  
  Posts: 1825
  
  
  Jul 04, 2010 10:18 PM GMT

  I don't really know where to start since it has been a problem for a while already..
  
  I've always been attracted to guys, when I was younger and in primary school I had little-kid relationships with girls but that didnt matter. I always looked at my brother's friends and wanted to belong to the group of the bigger guys.
  
  Im 20 know and I'm not out yet. I have been thinking about coming out since I was 16, since most guys start to date girls then. I didn't.. but it was not that strange yet, I'm quite strong verbally so I've always managed to keep the conversations about girlfriends short and always made up a 'good' reason not to date any girls.
  
  Also I'm very attracted to masculin guys, (i don't wanna start a discussion here about what's masculin and what's feminin btw) and I always try to behave as masculin as possible since that's what society(at least in the village where I live) also expects from a guy.
  
  What happened yesterday evening was that a friend of a friend came to me in the bar, and she was a little drunk. She offered me a drink and then asked me, So tell me, do you like boys or girls? I instantly replied I liked girls and asked her why she asked me. So she said, well people talk about you and say that you're gay. This really hurt me. Not that i think it's an insult to be found gay by people but just because I'm not accepting yet that I am gay. I live in a village of 5-6 thousand people and my family is well-known. So people talk about us.
  
  It really got me thinking though that I won't be able to live on like this. Also I wondered if I send out a gay-vibe or something. I must be cause people talk about me being gay. She said it was probably because I did a social study and I never had a girlfriend yet and people didn't understand why.
  
  I like masculin guys, so I think if I want to attract those kind of guys later on when/if I finally accepted my sexuality, I should act masculin too. Also her confronting me with this like the way she did made me feel really uncomfortable and made me realize that sooner or later people will find out and talk about me. Being gay where I live is not as usual as being gay in Amsterdam, for instance.
  
  After I have my bachelors degree I want to move away, I really like the USA and wanna go there. Hoping that I can discover my true self there. And hoping on that guy that helps me and understands me.
  
  The reason why I posted this is cause I have this really bad feeling about myself now, I try not to care too much about what people say about me, but I do it anyway. How can I start accepting that I am gay?

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  Jul 04, 2010 10:29 PM GMT

  My advice is: Let them talk. If they talk about you, it would be just like- I think ______ he's gay (like you said, there's nothing wrong with that) and they'll move on, unless they're crazy and obsessed with you and talk about you 24/7 (which isn't plausible). Besides, what? You want to be unhappy just so they wouldn't talk about you, screw them , you're the one who's living your life, at the end of the day, all they can do is talk, but you can choose between being happy or unhappy.

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  Jul 04, 2010 11:11 PM GMT

  this is so easy as i was you just last year..
  
  find work you are passionate about, throw yourself into it and shut the world off..
  
  20 years from now when you are a rolling in dough (artists can be rich to look at Andy Warhol), they will be sucking your dick and trying to hop the fence to just to feed you grapes.
  
  that's whats wrong gay men...... they forgo their financial livelihood for social acceptance (err, the "hope" of, lol), not realizing the latter is only born from having the former.

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  Jul 04, 2010 11:14 PM GMT

  jduckj saidthis is so easy as i was you just last year..
  
  find work you are passionate about, throw yourself into it and shut the world off..
  
  20 years from now when you are a rolling in dough (artists can be rich to look at Andy Warhol), they will be sucking your dick and trying to hop the fence to just to feed you grapes.
  
  that's whats wrong with most gay men, they forgo their financial livelihood for social acceptance, not realizing the latter is only born from having the former.

  
  
  Be warned that duckie here claims to be living off his inheritance, so I don't know how seriously you want to take his advice.

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  Jul 04, 2010 11:18 PM GMT

  my inheritance is intact and untouched, its dividends... and unfortunately we are not hiring so you'll have to squeeze off your 65k/yr and hubby's, in NYC nonetheless, that you claim to be in the 2nd highest income tax bracket..
  
  i know it's hard and give you credit but try to keep your mind off it, like taking up karate and such.

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  Jul 05, 2010 1:26 AM GMT

  Hmmm, i had a similar situation ... because I never dated girls, my friends were constantly on about me being gay... but they never asked me... I never talked about it either it being the social taboo....
  
  . Im from a small island where ppl know us and talk anyway, so if they keep suspecting it doesnt do my rep any good anyway... Let them talk, but I prefer the fact that I can be honest with my friends.. , so if they ask me if Im gay, I just say yes... its just easier on myself, it hasnt changed how people view me in any way...
  
  And no, not talking about it did not better my financial situation... it hasnt changed a thing being in or out whether I earn more money or not

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• Hunter9
  
  Posts: 1039
  
  
  Jul 05, 2010 1:32 AM GMT

  first of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

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  Jul 05, 2010 1:33 AM GMT

  Yes, move to America. It's the best place on Earth.
  
  

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  Jul 05, 2010 1:34 AM GMT

  Hunter9 saidfirst of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

  
  
  Wow, how do you know so many Dutch cities??

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• HndsmKansan
  
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  Jul 05, 2010 1:34 AM GMT

  Let me say, I understand. I remember, quite clearly what its like to have something like that come up and you kind of wonder (and are a little worried) that somehow somebody has figured you out and all hell is going to break loose. You don't need the aggravation at this time.
  
  The reality is, she was bombed and probably just wanted to know herself and if there are others who have made comments.... so what? It doesn't mean anything negative about you. It doesn't mean they view you as, less than masculine (since you've made it clear thats what you value) or that by your behavior you seem gay. Just blow it off (really do) go on about your life and explore at your own leisure. Someday, I hope you won't give a damn whether someone thinks you are gay or not (I could worry about it here in my neighborhood... I know most of my adjacent neighbors know or wonder... who cares!). Its part of growing up and accepting who you are... and no doubt, you are an awesome guy. Thats enough.

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  Jul 05, 2010 1:35 AM GMT

  Hunter9 saidfirst of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

  
  
  If he lived in a "progressive" country, I think he'd be aware of it.
  
  Europe's supposed "open-mindedness" has been WAY oversold to us by the media.
  
  

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  Jul 05, 2010 1:36 AM GMT

  amar_m said

  Hunter9 saidfirst of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

  
  
  Wow, how do you know so many Dutch cities??

  
  
  He doesn't, he looked on Wikipedia, then tried to impress everyone with his knowledge of Clog-and-Windmill Land.

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• EricLA
  
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  Jul 05, 2010 1:39 AM GMT

  I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I didn't grow up in a big city, but I grew up about 45 minutes south of San Francisco in the 70s and 80s. You'd think the SF vibe would have spread south, but I was just starting to deal with my same-sex attraction as AIDS first hit. It was not a time to embrace being gay.
  
  It took till I was 23 and moved to Los Angeles to deal with and accept who I was.
  
  I can't imagine what it's like coming out in the environment you're in. I just visited the German 1/2 of my family who live in the same small town my mother was born in. I can only imagine how entrenched some of your neighbors beliefs might be.
  
  But, you have to live your life for you. Being miserable is not a way to live. Other people have come out in your sort of situation and been fine.
  
  Of course, your fear of rejection could be blinding you of other possibilities. This drunk girl says others say you're gay. I assume your close friends are among these other people? If they treat you fine when you are in their company, it could very well be they accept you for who you are. They probably think it would be rude to flat out ask you, because they respect your privacy. It could be they're just waiting for you to come out so they can tell you "so what, it makes no difference" or "we accept you".
  
  Do you view yourself as effeminate? Less than masculine? You can only be who you are. If you try being something you're not, people can see through that. Confidence comes from being certain about who you are. People gravitate towards that.
  
  But know that there's nothing wrong with you. You are perfect as you are. You probably have many great qualities. Why is there anything about you to reject? You are okay. You are no lesser -- or better -- a person than anyone else out there -- gay, straight, bi, black, white, green, whatever.

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  Jul 05, 2010 1:41 AM GMT

  JackBlair saidYes, move to America. It's the best place on Earth.
  
  

  
  
  I would if that were waiting for me

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• Hunter9
  
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  Jul 05, 2010 2:13 AM GMT

  JackBlair said

  amar_m said

  Hunter9 saidfirst of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

  
  
  Wow, how do you know so many Dutch cities??

  
  
  He doesn't, he looked on Wikipedia, then tried to impress everyone with his knowledge of Clog-and-Windmill Land.

  
  
  wow, who pissed in your cheerios today?
  
  if you do a quick check of other threads ive commented on, you just may find some history i have with the dutch... keep up the attitude though, it works well for you
  
  and the OP may not be as aware of his country's progressiveness if he lives in rural southern areas or even more so if from conservative Friesland to the east. you might as well be in idaho out there (minus any elevation to the terrain)

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• Hunter9
  
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  Jul 05, 2010 2:15 AM GMT

  JackBlair said

  Hunter9 saidfirst of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

  
  
  If he lived in a "progressive" country, I think he'd be aware of it.
  
  Europe's supposed "open-mindedness" has been WAY oversold to us by the media.
  
  

  
  
  please sir, enlighten us on how you came to this conclusion, most specifically in regards to gay acceptance (the topic of this thread)

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  Jul 05, 2010 3:09 AM GMT

  Daelin> How can I start accepting that I am gay?
  
  I think a more important question, first, is: why don't you accept that you are gay?
  
  There are many possible answers: Religious upbringing, negative perceptions about gay people, lack of positive gay role models, fear of rejection, etc.
  
  I also have another question. You mention you are from a small village, yet also that you are going to university - which I assume is in a bigger city. Are you home for the summer or do you live at home and commute to the Uni?
  

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  Jul 05, 2010 3:30 AM GMT

  I wish you could move to a gay-friendly area.
  Daily...I repeat: DAILY...I tell some stranger that I'm gay. The 100% unanimous response: "I don't give a fuck as long as you're yourself."

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• Hunter9
  
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  Jul 05, 2010 3:34 AM GMT

  paulflexes saidI wish you could move to a gay-friendly area.
  Daily...I repeat: DAILY...I tell some stranger that I'm gay. The 100% unanimous response: "I don't give a fuck as long as you're yourself."

  
  
  how does your sexuality come up to somebody new on a daily basis?

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  Jul 05, 2010 3:36 AM GMT

  Hunter9 said

  paulflexes saidI wish you could move to a gay-friendly area.
  Daily...I repeat: DAILY...I tell some stranger that I'm gay. The 100% unanimous response: "I don't give a fuck as long as you're yourself."

  
  
  how does your sexuality come up to somebody new on a daily basis?

  Because I'm ballsy; and when someone asks me if I'm married or have kids (very common questions) I tell them I'm gay have no intention of either.

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  Jul 05, 2010 4:16 AM GMT

  So, everyone suspects you're gay.
  
  Are you having trouble with that? Are people bashing you up? Are you being bullied?
  
  Bigots won't wait for your declaration of gayness to starting picking on you.
  
  If no one is picking on you, then just come out. Life is easier out of the closet.

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  Jul 05, 2010 4:27 AM GMT

  I'm going to go a bit from what other people have said. I'm not a real big fan of fleeing to the big city to be accepted. Because that's not really the problem, in my opinion. Because, even in the big city, you'll still wonder about yourself. An old saying is, "No matter where you go, there you are."
  
  First off, my guess is that you don't just hate that one part of yourself, that you really don't like other parts either. Constructive feedback: start noticing how much negative self-talk you say during the day. After a week, if you don't like what you're hearing, then start turning your negative's to positives. Even if you don't really mean it, it's okay, because it will start to become a bit like "muscle memory" in that you start saying positive things about yourself automatically.
  
  As to address the being different (no matter what it is, in this case being gay), you need to ask yourself if there is anything you can do about it. My guess is that you tried to change yourself for a long time, with no results other than increased self-hate. So, if you can't change it, then you just need to accept it. How? I'd recommend a good counselor. S/He'll help you get over your fears and realize that they're not justified.
  
  Finally, I think you need a friend. Gay/straight, it doesn't really matter. Someone who you can just talk to and be yourself with. A tall order, but you won't find that person until you start looking.
  
  Take care.

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  Jul 05, 2010 4:43 AM GMT

  to the OP, reread your post with some changes:
  
  

  So tell me, are you blond or red head? I instantly replied I'm a redhead and asked her why she asked me. So she said, well people talk about you and say that you're blond. This really hurt me. Not that i think it's an insult to be found blond by people but just because I'm not accepting yet that I am blond. I live in a village of 5-6 thousand people and my family is well-known. So people talk about us.
  
  It really got me thinking though that I won't be able to live on like this. Also I wondered if I send out a blond-vibe or something. I must be cause people talk about me being blond.
  
  The reason why I posted this is cause I have this really bad feeling about myself now, I try not to care too much about what people say about me, but I do it anyway. How can I start accepting that I am blond?

  
  
  hey, i'm 45 and just came out. i know how hard it is. but now that i'm out, it started me thinking. i am gay, i like men. why should i apologize to anyone about that? i didn't choose these desires any more than i chose my hair color. i could hide my brown hair color, i suppose, but even if it's hidden, it's still brown. i could die it red, green, yellow, purple, or pink...but it's still brown underneath.
  
  if you believe that you are truly gay, that is, not just attracted to guys because you need a buddy or a brother or a dad substitute...but really scope out a room and see guys first, you think about guys when you toss off, you would like to have a guy friend you could hold...then there is not a thing you can do about it and you don't have to apologize to anyone for it...or hide it.
  
  if you live (like i have) in an area or in a business that doesn't accept it, that doesn't mean you have to be conflicted inside yourself...it just means you need to be aware. in other words, it may not be the best thing to have your own personal pride parade in your town, but because you don't have a parade doesn't mean you can't accept yourself for who you are and not have to hope no one finds out.
  
  i wish someone would have told me, when i was your age, to accept and move on. you can hold out hope you'll change...but what you are actually doing is hoping you'll conform to what you think others will like better than what you are right now. in that case, you are hoping for the wrong thing. if you try to be something you're not, you will not only alienate others but you will also alienate yourself. if you be yourself, and somehow others are put off, then so be it. you can hold your head high knowing you were true to yourself.
  
  be yourself and don't take shit from anybody.

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• Hunter9
  
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  Jul 05, 2010 4:54 AM GMT

  paulflexes said

  Hunter9 said

  paulflexes saidI wish you could move to a gay-friendly area.
  Daily...I repeat: DAILY...I tell some stranger that I'm gay. The 100% unanimous response: "I don't give a fuck as long as you're yourself."

  
  
  how does your sexuality come up to somebody new on a daily basis?

  Because I'm ballsy; and when someone asks me if I'm married or have kids (very common questions) I tell them I'm gay have no intention of either.

  
  
  everyday you have people asking you whether you are married and have kids? what kind of work do you do/life do you live?

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  Jul 05, 2010 5:11 AM GMT

  Hunter9 said

  JackBlair said

  Hunter9 saidfirst of all, if you want to come to the US, by all means, come to the US, but ya know you live in an awfully progressive country yourself (despite its recent xenophobic tendencies, but that's another issue), so if you'd just move to A'dam, R'dam, Utrecht, and so forth, you would not feel so isolated in your sexuality, nor would people in these places care one way or another. it was in your country, that i, personally, came to accept myself.
  
  secondly, your country is going to win the World Cup... it will be a time of great celebration!!!

  
  
  If he lived in a "progressive" country, I think he'd be aware of it.
  
  Europe's supposed "open-mindedness" has been WAY oversold to us by the media.
  
  

  
  
  please sir, enlighten us on how you came to this conclusion, most specifically in regards to gay acceptance (the topic of this thread)

  
  
  Well, its true that Netherlands and Spain have legalised gay marriage, and both tolerate marijuana.. but also, its true that it still gets frowned upon by some

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