What Makes an Unhealthy Relationship?

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    Jul 05, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    I have a very close friend who is in a very co-dependent relationship. They are perfectly happy needing each other constantly and spending from Thursday-Monday morning together every single weekend, and constantly touching. It is worse than it sounds, and friends have noticed and commented how unhealthy it seems.

    What do you consider unhealthy in a relationship? If a couple's fights are so bad they hit each other, but think its just 'their personalities', and not a big deal, do you think thats unhealthy? Or maybe a couple who has an open relationship, for example, when you hear about that do you think that is unhealthy?

    What to you would scream 'unhealthy relationship'?
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:12 PM GMT
    Hmmm, i know a couple, engaged, who are in school together, same class, and live together, meaning they sleep together, wake up together, go to class together, always sit next to one another, go home together, go out together on weekends and eat together always... yet they never fight and always post little 'i love you' notes on each other's FB wall...

    So yes, the rest of us are amazed and think its wierd.. but they are happy and never argue... so who are we to define whats healthy and what isnt??
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:44 PM GMT
    Beating the living crap out of someone is probably unhealthy, whereas being demonstrably head over heels in love with someone probably isn't.
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    Codepedence is unhealthy because you are not there for the other person but for the security.

    Open Relationships are trouble because its not just screwing...its a deeper emotional issue.
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:53 PM GMT
    There's a difference, I think, between co-dependent in an unhealthy way, and co-dependent in a healthy way, as someone mentioned above.

    My parents were happily married for 58 years, and, I think, were every bit, or even more so, in love as their marriage entered its final years. Mom never changed the oil in the car. That was Dad's job. I think Dad cooked all of about 30 meals in 58 years of marriage. They were only apart about one week over that entire time period. Were they happy? I think so.

    Logan has lived with me for 2 years. He depends on me to take him to the store, drive him around to the gym, and to mentor him in I.T. Logan is clearly the better programmer than me after 2 years. We rarely disagree on much of anything, and we usually have a giggle fest, even though we're rarely more than about 15 feet apart, 24 hours a day. I've saved Logan's life a couple of times (low blood sugar seizures) and he's been a great friend to have around. Are we co-dependent? Well, yeah, kinda' pretty much. It is bad? Well, it could be worse. It is the best? Likely, for now. Are we happy? Yep, for the most part. We'd both like more money but we're happy. Do we genuinely like each other? Heck yes.

    Now, if a gal is in a marriage for social status, or money, or security, with someone that she doesn't really like, well, that's just plain bad.
  • Geoedward

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    Jul 05, 2010 8:54 PM GMT
    Being co-dependent is bad. It would make me crazy. My partner and I are very independent. We enjoy our time together but we also enjoy being away from each other from time to time. I can't be smothered. Any type of fighting when it gets physical is very bad and I would never put up with that. Lying is the number one worst thing to me. You have nothing if you can't be honest with each other.
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    That actually sounds really healthy. Ha ha. I think unhealthy would be controlling, mental and/or emotional abuse, disrespect, stealing from your partner, lying to your partner but codependence just happens to couples. Too much is bad, because you each need to have your own lives, but it still doesn't sound unhealthy.

    Sounds like they're going through the exciting, "new love" phase of their relationship wherein they just can't be apart. Be happy for them and once they settle down they'll take more breaks from each other.
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    Jul 05, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    I guess its personal, I would not mind being around someone 24/7, but I wouldnt spend every second only on them... Id have kids and pets to take care of also.... preferably a healthy relationship to me would be a good partnership as well... and as you both may have different roles, is that co-dependence or partnership?

    I think what we have here is simply a cultural definition of a relationship.... In some cultures, males would do one thing, and females the other, and they cant function one without the other...

    And to be honest, I think the Western/modern view of everyone having to be a completely independent individual... is stressful and well, leads to high rates of heart problems you see there (since thats where the stress seems to go to first) and also the major GI and eating issues... obesity being a good example
    ... I for one prefer the way I live, in extended family format... rather than having to get my own house and do everything on my own again

    That said, its only healthy if everyone in the household makes their contribution

    Sorry, Im being a hopelessly old-fashioned, you must be thinking
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    Jul 05, 2010 10:35 PM GMT
    the list of unhealthy matches is as long as the ocean is deep. lol.

    Codependency isnt unhealthy if it WORKS for the two people. Some people are happy in their extreme lifestyles, I suppose. It might work fine for the most part, but watch the second person disintegrate as soon as their partner leaves town for work for a week. That's when its really bad.

    I think about this question in terms of attachment styles.... Imagine someone who is anxious/preoccupied (meaning they always need reassurance that they are loved, that the other person cares, etc... think CLINGY), with an avoidant person. These are polar opposites... and sometimes the work out okay - until an issue crops up that requires communication. You'll find the avoidant person not wanting to talk, and the anxious person not being able to shut up about it.

    I personally think one of the most unhealthy types of relationships is where people are together "just to be together." That makes my annoyed because its so clear that these people are simply too fearful of the idea of being 'alone' that they will accept virtually ANY warm body to keep them company.

    Blah.
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    Jul 06, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    " I have a very close friend who is in a very co-dependent relationship. They are perfectly happy needing each other constantly and spending from Thursday-Monday morning together every single weekend, and constantly touching. It is worse than it sounds, and friends have noticed and commented how unhealthy it seems."

    Those aren't friends.

    So..it would be healthy if those two spent forced time apart and were unhappy?


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    Jul 06, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're jealous that your "very close friend" is with someone else instead of with you.
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    Jul 06, 2010 3:40 AM GMT
    Here's some history. We ran with a pack of couples for awhile. All their relationships died over cheating amongst each other. One day we were all having a brunch and one of them opined that we were the 'only couple left standing'. Then the conversation took a delightful turn about us being codependent and unnatural.

    We wished them all the best and left. We'll be spending lots of time apart when one of us dies.
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    Jul 06, 2010 3:53 AM GMT
    Boy_Vegas saidThey are perfectly happy needing each other constantly


    Then mind your own business and allow them to be perfectly happy.
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    Jul 06, 2010 3:54 AM GMT
    Boy_Vegas said

    What to you would scream 'unhealthy relationship'?



    alcohol and drugs
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:05 AM GMT
    Harmful: cheating, lying about it, particularly with unsafe sex.

    Not harmful: Velcro pajamas.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:12 AM GMT
    Harmful: Not communicating. Keeping too many secrets.

    Not Harmful: Rubber squeak toys
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:17 AM GMT
    iguanaSF saidHarmful: Not communicating. Keeping too many secrets.

    Not Harmful: Rubber squeak toys
    Harmful: Sharp knives and rope.

    Not harmful: Rubber knives and duct tape.
  • Abc123456

    Posts: 336

    Jul 06, 2010 4:23 AM GMT
    I stop going out when i'm in a relationship because going out is fucking gay... and you go out to meet ppl; once you meet a guy, who cares about going out? So Thursday-Monday... kind of normal in my opinion. They're probably in a honey-moon phase. Give'm some space. He'll come back to your circle in time, it's the natural order of the gay friendship.

    Abuse isn't cool. Physical, mental, or emotional.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:23 AM GMT
    meninlove said Here's some history. We ran with a pack of couples for awhile. All their relationships died over cheating amongst each other. One day we were all having a brunch and one of them opined that we were the 'only couple left standing'. Then the conversation took a delightful turn about us being codependent and unnatural.


    We get the same comments.
    It is natural for us, I don’t even notice the fact we are never apart until someone points it out.
    Personally, I have hard time understanding the couples who choose to sleep in separate beds; moreover, keep separate homes—to each their own.

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    Jul 06, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    expecting both to be totally faithful, cmon people mess up.
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    Jul 06, 2010 5:16 PM GMT
    meninlove said" I have a very close friend who is in a very co-dependent relationship. They are perfectly happy needing each other constantly and spending from Thursday-Monday morning together every single weekend, and constantly touching. It is worse than it sounds, and friends have noticed and commented how unhealthy it seems."

    Those aren't friends.

    So..it would be healthy if those two spent forced time apart and were unhappy?




    I used them as an example to pose the question to the group. The issue with the two of them is actually ten times worse then I mentioned. They have made people at parties and restaurants very uncomfortable with how much they are physical, obsessive over conversations one or the other is having (you cant talk to one of them without the other constantly jumping in and getting involved), and how after a year they have damaged relationships because they spend so much time together they cant have friendships outside of their relationship.

    I think it is unhealthy when a friend might ask you to try not to be so physical in public because it makes them uncomfortable and you cant follow the request. It is unhealthy when you are so fixated on each other, you forget you are two seperate people, not a conjoined twin.
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    Jul 06, 2010 5:19 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidIt sounds like you're jealous that your "very close friend" is with someone else instead of with you.


    Haha, no. I just used them as an example to pose the question what would people consider unhealthy. But I figured someone would say that, so you get a cookie for being 'that guy'.
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    Jul 06, 2010 5:39 PM GMT
    Boy_Vegas said
    meninlove said" I have a very close friend who is in a very co-dependent relationship. They are perfectly happy needing each other constantly and spending from Thursday-Monday morning together every single weekend, and constantly touching. It is worse than it sounds, and friends have noticed and commented how unhealthy it seems."

    Those aren't friends.

    So..it would be healthy if those two spent forced time apart and were unhappy?




    I used them as an example to pose the question to the group. The issue with the two of them is actually ten times worse then I mentioned. They have made people at parties and restaurants very uncomfortable with how much they are physical, obsessive over conversations one or the other is having (you cant talk to one of them without the other constantly jumping in and getting involved), and how after a year they have damaged relationships because they spend so much time together they cant have friendships outside of their relationship.



    I think it is unhealthy when a friend might ask you to try not to be so physical in public because it makes them uncomfortable and you cant follow the request. It is unhealthy when you are so fixated on each other, you forget you are two seperate people, not a conjoined twin.


    Well, Boy_Vegas, you could have described this in your original post. Adding this info later just means that many wasted their time and effort with serious replies.
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    Jul 06, 2010 5:42 PM GMT
    Boy_Vegas saidI have a very close friend who is in a very co-dependent relationship. They are perfectly happy needing each other constantly and spending from Thursday-Monday morning together every single weekend, and constantly touching. It is worse than it sounds, and friends have noticed and commented how unhealthy it seems.

    What do you consider unhealthy in a relationship? If a couple's fights are so bad they hit each other, but think its just 'their personalities', and not a big deal, do you think thats unhealthy? Or maybe a couple who has an open relationship, for example, when you hear about that do you think that is unhealthy?

    What to you would scream 'unhealthy relationship'?


    To me, an unhealthy relationship would mean

    1. Lack of communication, even if there is, there is a certain way to communicate with a partner. That is, no yelling, but have your point be as clear as possible and be as nice as you can be in saying what you feel.

    2. Not recognizing that there's an "I" in relationships - that is people not respecting his partners needs. Remember that before you met your partner, he had his own life and he may want to keep his activities, habits, what not and so do you. This is where selfishness comes in, one party just wants his way all throughout the relationship. As we all know, a relationship is a two way street. To me, you have to have room for your partners interests even if you might not like it in the beginning and vice versa.

    3. Not compromising - partners who are not adapting to the other persons individuality to create a mix of good teamwork. We cannot be resistant because of our own selfishness. Doing it your own way and not respecting the other party is a sure way to an unhealthy relationship.

    4. Being negative - partners focusing on their problems more than the positive things that can come out out of is definitely not gonna help build a solid foundation for a true relationship.

    5. Unwillingness to back down - partners I believe should learn how to know the difference of winning and being happy in terms of arguments. Problems and arguments are inevitable. Harshness, cynicism and being critical in a relationship just make things worst: feelings being hurt and possibly alienate your partner.

    6. Dishonesty - I think this is self explanatory...

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    Jul 06, 2010 5:47 PM GMT
    one where there is no trust and one of the two is constantly accusing you of cheating when ur not and ocme to find out it was him who was dishonest.