Attorneys & Witnesses in Court: Why The US Justice System is Doomed

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    This was emailed to me, something I very rarely post here. It claims these are real court records, not apocryphal, but who knows? Nevertheless, I thought some of them funny enough to risk putting them here.

    "These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place."

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ________ ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes..

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess..

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________


    And the best for last:


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No .

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law ..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:13 PM GMT
    I think it shows the justice system is alive and kicking (with its brain intact).

    Some of them could have been written by Groucho Marx.
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:20 PM GMT
    I think that it shows that the legal profession gets paid far too much for their ability!icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 05, 2010 8:31 PM GMT
    I nearly pissed my pants, sad but so funnyicon_biggrin.gif
  • Delivis

    Posts: 2332

    Jul 05, 2010 9:27 PM GMT
    These have been around for years, but good to read them again. Completely apocryphal, i'm sure...icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 05, 2010 9:43 PM GMT
    Delivis saidThese have been around for years, but good to read them again. Completely apocryphal, i'm sure...icon_smile.gif

    It's true these and lots like them have been circulating around the internet. Some state bar journals run regular columns to showcase them.

    .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2010 9:43 PM GMT
    Delivis saidThese have been around for years, but good to read them again. Completely apocryphal, i'm sure...icon_smile.gif

    It wouldn't surprise me, nor would I insist on their authenticity, not having ever accessed the referenced book. And even then, who believes every book one reads? (Well, except Fundamentalist Christians, of course) But still, I think worth a smile, yes?
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 06, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    there's no such book
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    Jul 06, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    The book was published in 1992 and is sold on Amazon.

    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court-Fractured-Moments-Courtroom/dp/0393319288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278379644&sr=1-1
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 06, 2010 1:42 AM GMT
    heartrobb saidThe book was published in 1992 and is sold on Amazon.

    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court-Fractured-Moments-Courtroom/dp/0393319288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278379644&sr=1-1


    that's not the name of the book that wilton posted
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    Jul 06, 2010 1:58 AM GMT
    As I get ready to take the bar in a few weeks I want to say thanks for this post. It sure makes me feel a lot better knowing I'll have an advantage on at least some of these hot-shot moron lawyers I'll be seeing in court icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    My favorite:

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.


    This has to be the Marx brothers.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
    The "voodoo" one had me laughing/ giggling like a little girl. I LOVE it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
    wilton, you made my day ;-)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
    calibro said
    heartrobb saidThe book was published in 1992 and is sold on Amazon.

    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court-Fractured-Moments-Courtroom/dp/0393319288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278379644&sr=1-1


    that's not the name of the book that wilton posted


    Yes, slightly different, but Disorder in the Court (only missing the word 'American') is the book from where these excerpts came.