i need some advice badly

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    Jul 06, 2010 4:25 AM GMT
    hi good ppl of realjock i recently told my mum and sister that im gay and even though they said that they will love me no matter what there is a hell of a lot of tension in the house the other day they cornered me and told me to be abstinent from being with guys and to start going to church plus a lot of abuse was thrown at me stuff like this has been going on since i told them i feel like i should just move out what should i do?
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:26 AM GMT
    Moving out sounds like a good plan. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:28 AM GMT
    It's hard to say how long it will take for them to accept that you're gay. If moving out is a possibility for you, this would seem like a good time to do it. Good luck!
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    Start making strategic plans...

    Dont just do things on the whim.

    Make strategic moves as you now know you cant trust them.

    If you must...act like your giving in to their desires...make sure you find a job. Save your money. If your in college or plan on going to college do so...make sure they pay for it or you get a loan. Always think before you do these actions and dont just rush to move out just yet. Find a support group, there are multiple individuals here that can help and lend an ear. Locate other realjock members in your area...strike up a convo with them..but pick wisely as some of these realjock members are assholes. So..make sure you make the right decisions before you move out..and remember that you just spring this news on them so they are gonna be shocked..but with time they will get over it.
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    Jul 06, 2010 4:40 AM GMT
    For me it depends on how bi-polar you are.
    Sounds as if your family may be overly concerned; let them understand your boundaries; simultaneously, make a plan to move out, at 20 you should have one anyway.
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    Jul 06, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    Make a plan and move out....You may not have "all the time in the world" any more, as you said in your profile..LOL!....You may wish to reconsider the entire "studying" thing and the "jobless" thing if you can help it.... Not sure about public health coverage in "The Land Down Under", for your "bi-polar"...but please be treated for it... Very dangerous time for newly out gays with a mental illness, if untreated and your family is unsupportive....Please be well and make your plans to take care of yourself....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 06, 2010 12:35 PM GMT
    Hey Averagegay guy,

    Their response is rather common. What they do not realize right now is that you do not have a choice when it comes to who you are genetically wired to desire. They are reacting to what they know and what they have learned in their everyday lives.

    What I would do is continue to be the same person you were before you told them. Continue to do the same things. Continue to be the same son and brother.

    What they will see is that you are that same person but that you are Gay. It might take a while but their programmed minds on homosexuality will eventually soften to what they experience directly with you.

    Remember that you have dealt with the idea of being Gay for most or all of your life. They have recently just learned this. Maybe it took you a while to come out...maybe not....but understand that it will take them a while to understand what it means to have a gay son and brother.

    I would not run from the situation as people who run from difficult things in life tend not to be as successful as those who stay and educate and find a solution to what they are dealing with.

    If after time, their ramblings and actions push you right out the door, please make sure that you discuss this with them and let them know that their actions and words are pushing you away. Ask them if it would make them feel fulfilled and happy that they are tormenting you with something that you cannot change and something that you did not just wake up and choose to be one day.

    Best of luck to you.

    From personal experience, it does get better.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jul 06, 2010 6:25 PM GMT
    tereseus1 saidStart making strategic plans...

    Dont just do things on the whim.

    Make strategic moves as you now know you cant trust them.

    If you must...act like your giving in to their desires...make sure you find a job. Save your money. If your in college or plan on going to college do so...make sure they pay for it or you get a loan. Always think before you do these actions and dont just rush to move out just yet. Find a support group, there are multiple individuals here that can help and lend an ear. Locate other realjock members in your area...strike up a convo with them..but pick wisely as some of these realjock members are assholes. So..make sure you make the right decisions before you move out..and remember that you just spring this news on them so they are gonna be shocked..but with time they will get over it.


    Good advice from Terseus. And don't limit yourself to RealJock friends. You should be able to find friends from any quality (e.g. not just for hooking up) gay website. Many colleges have gay support groups, that are likely not limited to students, so whether you go to college or not, that's a great place to start and to meet people. If there is a gay community center in your vicinity, find out what sort of programs and activities they offer. That's also a way to meet friends and grow your support base.

    Meanwhile, you might have to tough things out at home for a while. Do not despair. Your family will likely come around. You just have to give them time. They imagined a certain future for you, and you've caused them to have to rethink it. If things get very miserable, then yes, you should move out sooner rather than later, but the more money you can save up for your future, the better. But there's no reason to re-think your decision. You've done the right thing. There response says absolutely nothing about you and everything about them. Be strong and hang in there. You can always come to us for support.

    Eric
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    Jul 06, 2010 6:36 PM GMT
    averagegayguy saidhi good ppl of realjock i recently told my mum and sister that im gay and even though they said that they will love me no matter what there is a hell of a lot of tension in the house the other day they cornered me and told me to be abstinent from being with guys and to start going to church plus a lot of abuse was thrown at me stuff like this has been going on since i told them i feel like i should just move out what should i do?


    I kinda remember a story that my BF told me about his EX. His ex told his mother that he was gay and the mom did not freak out instead gave him a bible. I didn't know whether to laugh or what.

    You're only 20. And it's really brave that you came out as early as you did, that takes a lot of balls and you have my total respect. I didn't come out until I was 27. So you have a head start to show what kind of person you are and I'm sure you are a good one.

    Moving out might be an option. But take a step back first, and see the bigger picture. I would try to understand your family's reaction. They probably weren't expecting this. This issue must go both ways. Meaning, you have to understand them and give them a break and vice versa.

    You might want to be straight forward with your family that being gay is not something you chose and that you know what it entails and if you are active sexually, you practice safe sex.

    But sex aside, feel out your family, give them time and since you still live with them you are the one who needs to bend. Unless of course you are in the position to move out.

    But moving might have two possible outcome: you might end up alienating yourself to your family, or to learn as early as now how it is to be gay in an independently.

    But as for me, better wait it out, feel it out first. If your family is very uncomfortable about talking about the reality of homosexuality, I would suggest not to push it just yet. Just wait.

    If you think your family can give you the support you need by waiting, I think in the end, it'll be worth it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2010 6:38 PM GMT
    Dan Savage on coming out

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    Jul 06, 2010 6:45 PM GMT
    If you are finacially able to move out or can move in with a friend and pay rent I would suggest that you consider doing this. This would entail putting a deposit down for the apartment, utilities, phone, furniture, etc. You might be surprised at how much you can do without if you have to. You did not indicate if your were employed and have health insurance. All these things should be put in place. Your mother and sister are probably in shock even though they told you that they would love you no matter what. They are probably concerned in what they will say to relatives, friends, etc. This is their issue not yours. You should be true to yourself and make a life for yourself. They may come around or not. Be prepared for the path you have selected.
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    Jul 06, 2010 7:04 PM GMT
    Tell them to be abstinent from guys and to go to church. Maybe they'll move out.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jul 06, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    meninlove said Moving out sounds like a good plan. icon_wink.gif
    agree!

    in trying times like yours; i try to recall the words of my Grandmother "this too shall pass".
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    Jul 06, 2010 7:07 PM GMT
    Tell them it's all their fault...you're not the one who bred yourself. icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 06, 2010 7:16 PM GMT
    A little hard to give you input since we weren't there to witness what went down, but I do agree, unless they seem to back away from the stress they are inflicting, I'd start looking (if you are financially able) for another place to live.

    If you can't at this moment, then I'd start making plans.. work more, save money until you can reasonably move out. And make sure they know you are moving out. No reason to make things worse by announcing you are departing if tensions are subsiding and things are improving.

    The bottom line is, you deserve to be happy and to live your own life. Don't let others dictate to you.. and when you are living at home, they can do that.

    Good luck and keep us informed.

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    Jul 06, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    your family seems like they dont want to understand how you feel but they want to "fix it". Move out, as soon as you can, if you have any friends who know about your sexual orientation and accept you then please talk to them too.

    good luck and dont worry bud, theres a whole world out there that accepts you just like you are, everything is gonna work out fine icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 07, 2010 9:41 AM GMT
    thanks for all the advice guys its given me a fair bit to think about hopefully things work out.

    love zac xoxo
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    Jul 07, 2010 10:08 AM GMT
    try a gay friendly church like MCC - Metropolitan Community Church, which respects their view to have faith, and balanced with a pro-gay congregation. Lots to learn and they are great fun!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 07, 2010 10:26 AM GMT
    jtaustin saidDan Savage on coming out



    Thank God for Dan Savage
    What he says is absolutely true
    You are who you are ... there is no debate about it
    You must stand your ground so there will be no Church going
    There will be no talkings to
    .... and if it comes to you moving out that's a decision you need to make
    If it becomes toxic in your house where you ARE feeling abused you Must leave
    But be sure to tell your folks .... the reason that you are leaving is Because of Them
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    Jul 07, 2010 10:38 AM GMT
    Take them to a PFLAG meeting - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. It's a group where parents, families, and friends of folks who have come out can go to talk in a safe environment.

    It helps for a parent to hear from another parent - they can ask questions, cry, etc. And, for your parents to hear how you are still the son they've always loved will console their concerns, to some degree.

    Don't move out, don't give up, help them through the transition that is as big for them as it is for you.

    http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Jul 07, 2010 11:32 AM GMT
    Bust your sister out and tell your mom that she's fucking guys so if you have to so does she
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jul 07, 2010 11:37 AM GMT
    boston6_8guy saidTake them to a PFLAG meeting - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. It's a group where parents, families, and friends of folks who have come out can go to talk in a safe environment.

    It helps for a parent to hear from another parent - they can ask questions, cry, etc. And, for your parents to hear how you are still the son they've always loved will console their concerns, to some degree.

    Don't move out, don't give up, help them through the transition that is as big for them as it is for you.

    http://www.pflagaustralia.org.au/


    This.
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    Jul 07, 2010 11:42 AM GMT
    This is why most guys come out after they move out and get out on their own.

    If your living with them and they feel like they are helping support you they are going to feel like they have a say in how you live your life.

    You need to move out, stand up and be your own man, take pride in yourself and tell them if they don't like to fuck off.

    When I came out to my parents we didn't talk for a year and when they realized I was serious and I wasn't giving in and wasn't going to put up with their evangelical, bible bashing bull shit they came around and now all is good, but if they hadn't I can honestly say I would have been happy living my life for me and not them anymore and them not being a part of my life at all.

    You need to be ready to move on and live your life without them if they give you that ultimatum.
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    Jul 07, 2010 11:44 AM GMT
    Like the guys said, Make some plans. 'You have all the time in the world' so what are you going to do with it? To coin a phrase that seems appropriate 'an idle mind is the devil's playground'.

    While Geelong is not a small country town, it's far from a Sydney or Melbourne mentality, where city folk are more accepting. You'll have to build up their confidence that being gay isn't the end of the world and that they have not lost you as a son/brother. Finally find a good doctor and know your triggers.

    good luck mate!