Does meeting guys and dating ever get easier?

  • goodguy_914

    Posts: 25

    Jul 08, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    Hi guys,
    I'm posting this here because I hope that maybe some of you might have some good advice for me. I'm 28years old and I've yet to really have a boyfriend or close relationship with a guy. I recently moved to a new state and new city and I feel like time is slipping away..yes, I know 28 isn't exactly old but I feel like I'm going to end my 20's and not have had a meaningful relationship or a relationship of any kind to speak of.

    I'll be honest and say that 1) I'm probably way behind in the dating/relationship area for my age and 2) I'm probably behind in the sex experience for my age. Yep, I said it...attractive huh?

    I'm incredibly shy and I've never been one that could go to the clubs or bars alone. I know that I probably need to step out of my comfort zone and try to do some of those things but I just am not sure how/what I would do. This is not to say that I am immature or anti-social it's just that I've never been comfortable in those places.

    I think I'm a pretty decent guy--steady job, educated, caring, loyal, serious when I need to be and funny and somewhat laid back when appropriate but I can't seem to find a guy.

    Basically just looking for some advice on meeting men--all my friends tell me that they met their wife/husband when they weren't even looking and that's great for them but I just don't see it happening for me.

    Thanks in advance for the advice. I would really appreciate it. I apologize if I'm not posting in the right area or if I shouldn't post this on this site.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    I wish I could give you a good advice
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    Jul 09, 2010 3:37 AM GMT
    Nope. Forget about it. Get a hobby.
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    Jul 09, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    I don't think there's anything easy about gay dating. The best you can do is fill your life with other interests that put a smile on your face and be open to the possibility of someone showing up when you least expect it.
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    Jul 09, 2010 4:16 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidI don't think there's anything easy about gay dating. The best you can do is fill your life with other interests that put a smile on your face and be open to the possibility of someone showing up when you least expect it.


    exactly, be you, be happy being you. icon_smile.gif.
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    Jul 09, 2010 4:19 AM GMT
    In my opinion yeah it gets easier as time goes on for a few reasons. The more you meet and date guys you get to know them and yourself more. You learn to spot the " red flags " after awhile and you know what works in your head and your heart ( vs your hormones ) and what doesn't. You will still meet some dissappointments and some flakes ..they never seem to go away..but you will start to meet more guys that are more friend caliber and out of them with some luck and timing you might just find a decent long term relationship out there..if that is what you want icon_smile.gif When it comes to sex..it's amazing how much better it is with someone you actually like and can relate to. Give it time
  • ja89

    Posts: 789

    Jul 09, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    DavePhx1007 saidIn my opinion yeah it gets easier as time goes on for a few reasons. The more you meet and date guys you get to know them and yourself more. You learn to spot the " red flags " after awhile and you know what works in your head and your heart ( vs your hormones ) and what doesn't. You will still meet some dissappointments and some flakes ..they never seem to go away..but you will start to meet more guys that are more friend caliber and out of them with some luck and timing you might just find a decent long term relationship out there..if that is what you want icon_smile.gif When it comes to sex..it's amazing how much better it is with someone you actually like and can relate to. Give it time


    Couldn't have said it better. Well Put.
  • goodguy_914

    Posts: 25

    Jul 09, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    Thank you so much to those of you that have responded. I know it sounds crazy but reading your posts is helpful to me and lets me know that good things can still be in store for me.

    I need to focus less on the "what should my 20's have been like" to "what can I do now so that I lead a more fulfilling life moving forward" easier said than do for me but I think its a good first step.

    Fill my life with hobbies and things that I enjoy...I will need to think about that as I don't really have many hobbies and being in a new city without knowing anyone...that's kinda a tall order for me--but something that I need to try to figure out.

    The sex...well, admittedly I am no "10" --I figure that if I work on myself (body, mind, spirit) I might just meet a few nice guys along the way. Yes, I am LTR minded...but I wouldn't mind some dating and causal things along the way.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 11, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    Nope ..... it Gets Harder icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jul 11, 2010 12:54 PM GMT
    No - what gets easier is the ability to spot flakes and fakes and the ability to recover quicker from the crap gay men do.

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    Jul 11, 2010 1:48 PM GMT
    I think it does get easier and you will gain in confidence by meeting new people. If you have agreed to meet and then you do so, you have cracked the nerve-racking bit. Just go with the flow after that. If you are shy, be a good listener, shown interest in what the other guy has to say and bounce your conversation off his. Good luck!
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    Jul 11, 2010 2:05 PM GMT
    unfounded7 saidI don't think there's anything easy about gay dating. The best you can do is fill your life with other interests that put a smile on your face and be open to the possibility of someone showing up when you least expect it.


    Agreed. I was just going to say, your fucked, just like the rest of us, but this is much more humane.
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    Jul 11, 2010 2:12 PM GMT
    No.
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    Jul 11, 2010 2:32 PM GMT
    with repetition most things get easier, if you learn from 'failure'. desperation stinks. and with all things in life, new challenges will arise.
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    Jul 11, 2010 5:18 PM GMT
    There's a minor distinction to be made:

    In terms of finding occassions to date or guys that might find you attractive(this is pure conjecture at my part)- it might be harder when you're older

    but in terms of dealing with what comes with meeting people and dating, obvs, a posteriori everything is easier
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    Jul 11, 2010 5:27 PM GMT
    Dating in general isn't easy especially if have an ideal man in mind and constantly reject men who don't quite measure up.

    Not only do gay men have this issue but many single straight women, I dunno about str8 men but I guess is general across the board.

    Be happy, do you, avoid gay cliques as they can be selective of who you talk/don't talk to, and be open to opportunity when it knocks. One might just show up!

  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Jul 11, 2010 5:33 PM GMT
    It will get easier when you meet the one. I'm a romantic.
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    Jul 11, 2010 5:36 PM GMT
    Ensure also that your general style is not too "prohibitive'. Gay men can be very superficial...No, they are. Therefore: Get in the best possible shape you can, lose whatever effeminate behaviors you might have and dress always to impress whenever going out to gay social events, within the boundaries of what is commonly accepted as masculine, of course. These three should guarantee you eventual success.
    I'm just keepin' it real!!!
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    Jul 11, 2010 5:41 PM GMT
    You get a little smarter with each passing asshole.

    If you're lucky.
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    Jul 11, 2010 5:41 PM GMT
    raindrops saidEnsure also that your general style is not too "prohibitive'. Gay men can be very superficial...No, they are. Therefore: Get in the best possible shape you can, lose whatever effeminate behaviors you might have and dress always to impress whenever going out to gay social events, within the boundaries of what is commonly accepted as masculine, of course. These three should guarantee you eventual success.
    I'm just keepin' it real!!!


    That might be great and all but just keeping in shape and make sure your wearing the right sizes is a bit more beneficial. You can dress to impress and still attract flies.

    When in doubt call a friend and plan out an outfit. Two sets of eyes are better than one.
  • Moishendlishu...

    Posts: 435

    Jul 11, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    I don't think it's ever going to get easier. But I also think you don't need to have someone to be happy. The trick is to get to a point where you enjoy yourself and know yourself well enough to be confident in who you are. Shyness can be a turn on to some people, but most don't want to have to work so hard when they meet a guy. So I would say that might be an area to work on.

    You mentioned bars and clubs. IMO those are not good places to meet guys you might want to have a relationship with. Usually they are more for sex. Also, I know VERY FEW guys who are comfortable going out to a bar or club by themself.....especially on a busy night. So don't feel like you are the only one.

    Best of luck with your dating situation. The best advice I can give you is that it comes when you aren't looking for it. Since it's never really happened for you, I imagine it's paramount in your mind. If you can find a way to put it on the back burner and just live your life, my hope is the universe will surprise you. Hang in there man.
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    Jul 11, 2010 6:01 PM GMT
    You know what? You're asking a great question (and you aren't the only one wondering this either). The best answer I have for you is, I don't know. I came out at 14 and have only met one guy which was 15 years ago. There's just too few out gay men looking for relationships to match the unrealistic criteria that we all require before meeting someone. It's amazing that we meet anyone at all because our standards are so high that, when looking at how small the gay world is, nobody will ever make you happy unless you plan on moving every year to new big cities. Otherwise it's time to grow up and start looking for different quality guys to be around who value your time together without self-centered motivations. It's important to know that a lot of gay men have never dated anyone longer than six months and never learned how to have a relationship while keeping in mind that it's a two person committment that requires hard work, feeling exposed and vulnerable, and being confronted about things you never want to talk about. But without those things you don't have LIFE: that's what gay men are missing. In order to get somewhere you have to go through some stuff AND have learned something. Many of us never grow up because nobody makes us (most have no kids, there's no relatioinship; what's the incentive to do anything)?

    Most of us will be alone and I don't mean that in a negative way. It's just the curse of too few guys for a community of men with very specific, discriminating tastes. Gay men are used to getting the best, having the most money, having the most impressive college degrees, etc but if you have nobody to celebrate that with - it's all superficial crap. Our number one problem is that gay men don't trust each other and especially in the last ten years with the internet we are incredibly isolated. Many, thanks to gay.com and gay chats refuse to come out now that they see what's waiting for them after coming out. In a way the internet is having the opposite result we intended. And that's a shame. Again that has to do with the fact that very few of us know how to communicate with other gay men without fabricating our life stories or simply not knowing what to say. What's worse is that many of us are in the same boat yet have no patience or empathy for each other.

    I hope that changes. I'd like to feel good about the future of the gay nation. Right now I don't. I just visualize a lot of guys hiding at home who will never come out, who are great at keeping their secret, and in 30 years will deeply regret the choices they're making now. We could have a healthy, fun community if we tried. We could have great relationships if there was a little motivation and some letting go of those fantasies of straight college jocks that we project onto other gay men...and start thinking about our lives and the kind of man you want in it to enjoy the good and support each other through the bad. These men must be out there.
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    Jul 11, 2010 6:21 PM GMT
    This is a good question as many people wonder it too- straight or gay. I agree with everything Moishendlishus said and it's worth quoting.

    Moishendlishus saidI don't think it's ever going to get easier. But I also think you don't need to have someone to be happy. The trick is to get to a point where you enjoy yourself and know yourself well enough to be confident in who you are. Shyness can be a turn on to some people, but most don't want to have to work so hard when they meet a guy. So I would say that might be an area to work on.

    You mentioned bars and clubs. IMO those are not good places to meet guys you might want to have a relationship with. Usually they are more for sex. Also, I know VERY FEW guys who are comfortable going out to a bar or club by themself.....especially on a busy night. So don't feel like you are the only one.

    Best of luck with your dating situation. The best advice I can give you is that it comes when you aren't looking for it. Since it's never really happened for you, I imagine it's paramount in your mind. If you can find a way to put it on the back burner and just live your life, my hope is the universe will surprise you. Hang in there man.


    I do think it get a little easier. I'm shy too and I'll say you need to practice your social skills so that you're ready when Mr. Right comes along and you can keep him engaged. The more people you meet the less shy you'll become, it's all about practicing your social skills with others.

    You'll find your guy soon enough, probably when you least expect it.
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    Jul 11, 2010 6:33 PM GMT
    goodguy_914> I've never been one that could go to the clubs or bars alone.

    As others have noted, it's not the best place to meet someone for a relationship.

    Join (or start - see below) gay clubs or interest groups. Book club, political, sports, health, social.
    Make friends and meet people through them.


    DuluthMN> with the internet we are incredibly isolated. Many, thanks to gay.com and gay chats refuse to come out now that they see what's waiting for them after coming out

    True, but I think it's a little bit more complicated. What you say is right in rural/conservative areas. Whereas previously gay people were almost forced to move to a coast or big city (or stay and marry a beard) now they can stay and have their "discreet" hookups. Elsewhere (big/liberal cities) there's no need for a gay community because the straight friends are accepting and there's always the net (or bars) for sex partners.

    Few are willing to invest in a gay community, yet everyone wants the benefits. When gains are made, everyone shares them (so why bother working for them?). A tragedy of the commons (in a perverse way without the "commons" showing).

    The problem isn't limited to not innovating (starting groups), but the apathy in not joining them.
  • KnuxNole

    Posts: 219

    Jul 11, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    The only thing I don't agree with is the "best possible shape you can be" thing.

    Yes, it's great to be in shape! But, to change your body just to impress shallow people is meaningless. I always keep hearing that the "feminine" guys are more shallow and picky compared to the laid back "masculine" type of people...but lately I'm hearing all gays are shallow icon_sad.gif

    I hear on the internet that if you don't have a buff body, nobody will date you. I would NEVER want to lift excessive weights and all that stuff just to get a date. I love my slim/thin body, I have tons of stamina and fairly athletic, so it's not like there's a major problem. Besides, there are tons of straight males who aren't big and buff, so i'm sure there are gays that all aren't big and buff and gets lots of attention. Personally, that's why I never got into the whole weightlifting/extreme diet thing. The only reason I can find is for shallow attraction, I could care less about excess strength, huge biceps/abs. I just want to be happy and live a normal life icon_biggrin.gif

    end rant icon_redface.gif