I think I screwed up a friendship with a straight guy and its hurts

  • RupCadell

    Posts: 17

    Jul 08, 2010 11:34 PM GMT
    I think I screwed up a friendship with a straight guy and it's a little painful.

    We'd hung out a lot for a few weeks and got to be good friends. I came out to him the night before he was to fly home to Europe. His reaction was hard to read – he just got quiet.

    The next day, things seemed ok and I drove him to the airport.

    Two days ago, I sent him a FB message that included a line that said: "I miss our class a little and one or two people, in particular."

    Since then, he has written many things on FB, but not to me. He changed his "interested" status from blank to "women."

    Bottom line: I really liked this guy a lot and valued his friendship. I feel like I screwed it up.

    Why does this shit have to be so complicated? I wish I could say "I miss you" without it being threatening. This sucks and I feel stupid.

    Or maybe I am over-anxious to hear from him to feel like everything is ok between us?
  • BardBear

    Posts: 533

    Jul 08, 2010 11:37 PM GMT
    Dude, if he's your friend, there's really not much you can say or do to change that. If he's less than a friend? Well, only time will tell. Remember, you can't control others, just what you do. If you think you messed up, then only you can make it right. Just ask him--"did I say anything to you that might have hurt our friendship?"

    Good luck with that.

  • RupCadell

    Posts: 17

    Jul 08, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    Yeah good advice. Thank you icon_smile.gif
  • bumblejacket

    Posts: 66

    Jul 09, 2010 12:18 AM GMT
    see one of the reasons why i haven't come out yet is because i really value my male friends. I dont have that many to begin with and the ones that I have are just keepers. I do hear them talk bad about gays though and at those moment I just keep quiet and not say a thing.
    not because we are gay we want our male friends to be our boyfriends.
    yeah i think the advice above is the best thing you can do.
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    Jul 09, 2010 12:29 AM GMT
    I was in the exact situation with my old trainer. It got to be so that we were pretty much inseparable. Funny thing is, people assume he was the gay one, lol.

    I told him, he right off the bat was cool with it. He was the first person I had came out to, so I was on cloud 9. Just really happy that my first coming out experience was positive.

    Then the next day, I get a txt. "I don't think it's a good idea that we lift together anymore, or hang out for that matter"

    I had to leave work early, I was in tears. Called a good friend of mine, asked her to come over, and told her, and then later on that night, told another good friend of mine. The whole experience, in hindsight, gave me what I needed to tell other people, so in a way, I'm thankful for his reaction.

    I gave him some time, he dumped the girl he was seeing (she apparently had that much influence over him that her homophobia rubbed off on him), and apologized to me.

    Long story short: You didn't screw up anything by being honest with him. If you're honest with your friends and yourself, and they're don't treat you any different, then they're really your friends. If the truth gets in the way of you and them, then they really weren't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 12:59 AM GMT
    Homophobia is the fear of one's own homosexual tendencies or actions.
    You should have told him sooner.
    He was only pissed 'cause you didn't give him time to "git wit ya" before he left. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:05 AM GMT

    If he is in fact a friend, he'll adjust. If he doesn't then his friendship is less than you thought.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidHomophobia is the fear of one's own homosexual tendencies or actions.
    You should have told him sooner.
    He was only pissed 'cause you didn't give him time to "git wit ya" before he left. icon_biggrin.gif


    I agree with everything except the part about telling him sooner. You should never feel rushed to tell anyone anything before you feel safe doing so. Like others have said, regardless of timing, the person you are telling is going to have the same or similar reaction.

    Maybe he will come around, but if he doesn't, try to think of it as a blessing. Cheer up. icon_smile.gif You're going to meet a lot of amazing people in your life who won't have to "come around".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:08 AM GMT
    He's possibly a bit freaked out. For now. Hence the need to assert his heterosexuality.

    I'd forget any naughty business and move on. At which point he'll most likely chill and start acting like a mate again. But you have to act like a "mate" too, if you know what I mean?

    to be fair, all this "I miss one or two people" stuff would likely scare a girl who wasn't "that into you", wouldn't it?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 09, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    You didn't do anything wrong ..... so forget the "I screwed up" stuff
    Young guys esp str8 guys are very skiddish about sexuality
    You scared him
    But that's because he's stuck in the "what will the guys think" mentality
    If this immature Asshole were a true friend he wouldn't be acting this way
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    Give him time. Perhaps he's bothered by the crush you have on him.

    But don't worry. If he doesn't come around, you'll meet better straight friends eventually.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    rumANDcoke said
    paulflexes saidHomophobia is the fear of one's own homosexual tendencies or actions.
    You should have told him sooner.
    He was only pissed 'cause you didn't give him time to "git wit ya" before he left. icon_biggrin.gif


    I agree with everything except the part about telling him sooner.
    ...
    You seem to have misplaced your sarcasm detector. Wanna borrow mine? icon_razz.gif
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    Jul 09, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    Bottom line for me--my sexuality is part of who I am and if someone likes everything about me except that, then they don't really like me in any meaningful way. My rule for coming out now is do it ASAP and low key--drop it as a fact in conversation and do not wait or give any opportunity for response. The "I have something to tell you..." conversation can be saved for mom and dad.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    Had a roomate in college that I was good friends with. We lifted/worked out together, hung out after class, ate together, studied together, had a lot of fun. When he eventually found out I was gay, I could tell his masculinity was very threatened. He was very competitive in nature, and I could bench more than him, run faster than him, play a better game of poker than him, etc. After the shit hit the fan, he refused to work out with me anymore and rarely even talked to me for that matter. It was hurtful, but I moved on and made other friends. Not much I could do. Wasn't happy about the tension between us. But, in retrospect it wasn't really about me being gay. It was his own insecurity that got in between us.
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    I had the hots, for a half Philipino/half Muslim guy on the same graduate trainee scheme as me in my first job after uni.

    We met in the September and shared a bond cos we both liked the same sort of music.

    Came out to him at our staff xmas party and he told me to "shut up" (as in, stop lying), before blanking me and leaving early.

    Ignored me the whole of the next day. Usually we'd spend all day chatting to each other on the phone (even though our desk were within walking distance).

    I was devestated.

    Day after that, around lunch time, he brings his "Discman" around (yeah, it was that long ago) and asks me to listen to a track he was into. Whole thing wasn't really mentioned after that. We just "got on with it",

    He needed time to adapt. Especially being half muslim I guess.

    christ he was hot though!

    icon_cry.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jul 09, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    You scared a bi guy straight! They've got so many issues that you shouldn't worry about what you did. Go watch Brokeback Mountain and drink a bottle of wine, unless you have to work tomorrow! God put bi guys on Earth to drive gay guys crazy. Who hasn't had trouble with one?
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    Jul 09, 2010 1:59 AM GMT
    Tell him U know he's uneasy about him knowing about U & that U rly do miss him as a friend only
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Jul 09, 2010 2:07 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidYou scared a bi guy straight! They've got so many issues that you shouldn't worry about what you did. Go watch Brokeback Mountain and drink a bottle of wine, unless you have to work tomorrow! God put bi guys on Earth to drive gay guys crazy. Who hasn't had trouble with one?


    LOL. So true.

    There's only so much intimacy straight guys will allow other buddies. He could be bi indeed. But don't go down that road. It's frustrating and it's likely you'll hit a dead end.

    Here's a brainer: Do you see yourself building up real intimacy with a girl day after day?
    and note to self, building up intimacy and just hanging out are very different things, anybody can tell.

    I say your buddy is bi bi bi..
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    Jul 09, 2010 2:09 AM GMT
    I still trip out that it took me so long to hang out. My friends were all great and always make me feel loved. Your friends have to process it. Especially if they didnt have a clue that you were gay. Some take longer than others but if they are your real friends. They will come around.
  • bumblejacket

    Posts: 66

    Jul 09, 2010 2:22 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidHomophobia is the fear of one's own homosexual tendencies or actions.
    You should have told him sooner.
    He was only pissed 'cause you didn't give him time to "git wit ya" before he left. icon_biggrin.gif


    paulflexes man!! hahaha!
    yeah people here are correct. i love my guy friends (platonic way) but I know that for some reason I know that they wont talk to me anymore if I come out to them. see for some reason I am not really their friend because they dont know the real me. but anyway, i dont even know the real me yet hehehe.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Jul 09, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    I am sorry to hear about this icon_sad.gif I went through something like this in college. I found that I didn't have many "straight" guy friends after I told them. Even then, those who did associate with me became really distant. There is something extremely threatening about a straight guy being seen with a gay guy. I'm thinking it's the "guilt by association" complex... if he is gay, then that "straight" guy must be gay too.


    EDIT: I'd like to say though... tell him you miss him but! with something on the end. Something like: "l miss talking to you," or "I miss having lunch with you," or "I miss watching basketball games with you." I think just saying "I miss you" might make him more uncomfortable. For some reason, I've noticed "straight" guys associate "I miss you" with romantic feelings.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 09, 2010 3:10 AM GMT
    I'd tell him that I miss him, but I agree by saying it that way it might scare him further.

    Make it funny...."...I miss you like a pain in the ass that is gone..." or something dumb like that.

    But, the bottom line is if he's dropped you because you came out to him, then you didn't screw up the friendship, he did.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 09, 2010 3:16 AM GMT
    He's reacting to his own self doubts and confidence. I agree with some of whats above.. if he's a friend he will accept you.

    You screwed up nothing. You were honest with him... the rest is up to him.
    If you do have a chance to have an involved conversation with him again, you can let him know how you had perceived your friendship with him to be... and it nothing to do with your being gay.

    Sometimes tests come early in a friendship. If he doesn't treat you as he should after some consideration, I'd move on (don't burn bridges), but move on. You never know ... sometime down the road he might contact you and apologize.
  • RupCadell

    Posts: 17

    Jul 09, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    You guys are great. Thank you so much for your advice.

    I thought he might be gay/bi, which made me a little more comfortable saying that I miss him.

    But even if he is straight, it would have been nice to say the same without repercussions. Although I agree, I could have worded it better.

    Thanks again. I'll feel better with time. I really valued his friendship, so it hurts right now, but you've all said many things that make me feel better icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 09, 2010 3:53 AM GMT
    Same thing happened to me with my best friend from college. During school, we were partners in crime, wherever he was, I was. I secretly had a mad crush on him, but never crossed the line with him.

    We drifted apart after life happened, he got married, had kids, moved to another city, while I struggled with being gay. Fast forward 15 years, after a lot of therapy and growing up, I emailed him for his birthday.

    We reconnected and emailed back and forth for about a year, before he was in town for business. We went out to dinner, and I told him I was gay. He said he was ok with it.

    Unfortunately, the emails have stopped on his end, and when I emailed him, I get nothing more than a one line update.

    I'm not as upset as I thought I would have been. Friends come and go in life. Not every relationship is meant to last.