Is it poor self esteem if you think you aren't particularly attractive?

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13999

    Feb 09, 2008 2:50 AM GMT
    I mean, not thinking you are ugly, just not really a head-turner, you know?
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    Feb 09, 2008 3:21 AM GMT
    It is not necessarily low self-esteem to not feel like a head turner. One might just not be that good looking. Not everyone is that handsome. However, not being a head turner can lead to low self-esteem, I think.

    I was always skinny as a kid. I got over it by working out when I eventually wanted to get a boyfriend. But I have never had very high self-esteem because of my experiences as a skinny, unathletic gay kid. I had no role models to validate what I would probably liked to do, also.

    I worked out and built a bit of a body. But I guess I would sabotage myself by still focusing on my "flaws."

    Now my cancer has made me focus on my physical self. It is making me spend money on myself....gym with a personal trainer and chiropractor. I have been thinking that after I get my body built, I might do my own little What Not to Wear at one of the stores here with a personal shopper.
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    Feb 09, 2008 4:11 AM GMT
    Both of you guys ARE particularly attractive - physically and intellectually. I think much of what I find attractive is the mental aspect of a guy - how he thinks, what he says, intrinsically.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Feb 09, 2008 4:35 AM GMT
    I suppose it would depend on how unattractive they find themselvs/describe themselves. I'm not a head turner, but I'm not a monster either. I don't have low self-esteem, I have mirrors and am being realistic.
  • kjm1990

    Posts: 209

    Feb 09, 2008 4:43 AM GMT
    you are all cute,hot,etc im extremly ugly,and i have a low self estem i have probs going out,or trying to meet guys
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    Feb 09, 2008 5:20 AM GMT

    you are certainly not "extremely ugly", not even mildly ugly . . . But, I can understand feeling that way and having low self-esteem, having been fairly heavy myself as a child. . . So, assuming you want some advice, there are two things you can do:

    1) Work on the outside, hit the gym, learn from the guys on this site . . . but the harder, and more important part is,

    2) Work on the inside. If you want to build your self-esteem, do "esteemable" things. Be honest, be trustworthy, volunteer. Help others. Make a gratitude list, a list of everything your grateful for. . . Strive to become the man you'd want to marry . . . Be kind, to others, but also to yourself. Now, how's that for starters?
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    Feb 09, 2008 6:18 AM GMT
    Having had cancer when I was in Jr High, I was thin and "sickly" during my adolescence and early high school years. I think this is a time when you are labeled and sometimes those labels don't go away. I graduated high school a stick at 135 pounds and it's taken me years to build and add another 20. However, there are many days when I look in the mirror and still see myself as that scrawny kid.
    My point is that we all struggle with body image. We have the choice to accept what we have and be happy, work at bettering ourselves and be happy, or resign ourselves to our faults and be miserable.
    OMG that's almost the serenity prayer and I didn't even realize it. Anyway you get the point...
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    Feb 09, 2008 6:32 AM GMT
    Some people just aren't attractive for whatever reason.

    I think that self-awareness is a good thing, on both sides.

    I have pictureless tell me they are VGL. OK, let me judge that. Of course, they don't usually, but, often the VGL are ugly.
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    Feb 09, 2008 6:43 AM GMT
    I just win them over with my personalityicon_razz.gif
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    Feb 09, 2008 6:51 AM GMT
    It's more on honesty... icon_wink.gif and yeah... Probably an inferiority complex vastly magnified over the years of being the unattractive asthmatic skinny kid. icon_rolleyes.gif

    And I AM working on it. icon_cool.gif

    Just a few more years (months even!), I'll be turning heads... my physical body will match my angelic inner being...

    what dyoo mean NO? icon_mad.gif

    A guy can HOPE right?! icon_mad.gif
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    Feb 09, 2008 6:52 AM GMT
    Not really...i mean i dont think i'm n e thing to drool over either...but my self worth isn't based on who finds me attractive and who doesn't.
    Self esteem comes into play if your notion of how you appear to others determines your ability to live your life productively.

    And i must no means are any of you unattractive.icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 09, 2008 6:56 AM GMT
    It's not whether or not you think you're attractive, it's whether or not you can stand to be the way you are... Basically, if you're ok, you're ok icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 09, 2008 7:01 AM GMT
    I think it's good to have an honest sense of self. But I do believe that it's important to like who you are and to know you're sexy and attractive in your own eyes. And anyway, attractiveness has more to do with confidence and your posture, physical health, etc than some Classical proportion of facial features. Usually the guys that turn my head do so more because they have tough, rough, masculine and aggressive edge to them. I rarely find "handsome" men attractive and I especially don't like soft or refined looking men at all.

    You can never gauge what somebody will find attractive. If you're going to work to be attractive in some way, do it for yourself. If you can look in the mirror and say, damn I'm hot...I'd fuck me, than you're on the right track.

    You're gonna look at yourself allot in this life so you're better off liking what you're looking at. icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 09, 2008 7:13 AM GMT

    I know about issues with self image and low self estem. Being a large person, I have never really looked at myself as "attractive" before, but recently I have had people who have told me I AM attractive to them.

    I have come to realize that we tend to judge our ourselves based on who we find attractive and we never (usually) stack ourselves into that catagory since we don't look like the ones we lust over.

    I am getting over my issues and becomeing comfortable with who I am, even while I make the effort to change that look as well.
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    Feb 09, 2008 8:16 AM GMT
    I don't mean to sound conceited or anything. But I think I am a head turner. Men and women notice me and plenty of you guys above me are head turners as well. Fuck it check my hot list if you want proof. Although I am a little picky so don't be mad if you are not on it. I was chubbier about two and a half years ago but I fixed that the veggie way. Of course walking miles at a time and over plenty of hills probably had something to do with it too. I eat meat again but have never regressed to my formally over weight self and I believe there are plenty of things about me that could be improved but I actually do consider myself beautiful enough to be a head turner and am seldom rejected. icon_cool.gif Sorry?icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 09, 2008 8:24 AM GMT
    I have often found that the thing that males most men attractive is not simply 'good looks' but CONFIDENCE.

    People who are on top of their game exude inner confidence, and it is extremely sexy.

    A Yale study about 20+ years ago took three dozen young guys and taught them two different - distinct - types of body language. The first was a very confident, open, style; the second was considered quiet, slightly depressed, unsure. There were also a couple of control groups.

    They then turned the kids loose at bars and parties with proctors nearby.

    The 'Confident body language group' tended to have more social 'hits' or contacts, and were more sought after. But what surprised the researchers was that one of the control groups (who had actually been taking a placebo they were told would increase their confidence) also had a very high number of social 'hits'.

    Wish I could find that damned study so I could post a link...

    Interesting stuff.

    Personally I have always found confidence - even a little cockiness - to be an enormous turn on.

  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Feb 09, 2008 8:28 AM GMT
    One of the most drop dead beautiful human beings Ive ever seen ended up becoming my roommate... now I cant stand him. A kid Ive worked with for years and never caught my eye had one decent conversation with me and now I cant get over how cute he is...

    Initial presentation may mean something to self-esteem, but what comes afterwards is what really matters. Most of the head-turners are self-asborbed douchebags.
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    Feb 09, 2008 8:31 AM GMT
    Self-esteem is a term used often, but we don't talk about social-esteem much. Your question infers 'poor self-esteem' is bad.

    I think self-esteem measures more than just your attractiveness. Someone might feel positive self-esteem about their personality or intellect, but not so much on physical appearance. Some derive appearance self-esteem from athleticism, others from handsomeness of facial features.

    Logically, I would agree with you that 'I'm not particularly attractive' is statement of low self-esteem. But I can't say that it would be unhealthy or bad, if it was generally accurate when compared with your social-esteem - what people in your environment think of you.

    If a guy is generally plain in appearance and knows it, he's not going to try to hit on the gorgeous guys emphasising his own appearance. He'd use personality or money. That's realist and not a bad thing. Conversely, a gorgeous guy could have low self-esteem and he fails to associate with guys he really finds attractive and could easily get with, settling for something less than his friends feel he deserves. Or he throws money around trying to impress, tells jokes and acts over-the-top trying to be mr. Personality when he'd do better to wear a tight shirt, sip his beer, buy sensibly and make occasional comments.

    As you move through life you have to take stock of your social-esteem and your self-esteem to see that they are in balance.

    Too much self-esteem has other names: Arrogant, Selfish, Narcissitic, Primadona. None of which have positive connotations.
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    Feb 09, 2008 8:36 AM GMT
    Good post OHhiker...very interesting indeed.
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    Feb 09, 2008 8:42 AM GMT
    Here is a piece of ancient wisdom about comparing yourself with others too much.

    Tao Te Ching (20)
    Don't spend too much time
    thinking about stupid shit.
    Why should you care
    if people agree or disagree with you?
    Why should you care
    if others find you attractive or not?
    Why should you care
    about things that worry others?
    Call bullshit on all that.
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    Feb 09, 2008 8:53 AM GMT
    "Everything has its own place and function. That applies to people, although many don't seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your Inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don't belong." - The Tao of Pooh

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    Feb 09, 2008 9:05 AM GMT
    Great points OH I often feel that the person that views themself as plain and ugly are far more attractive than those who feel they do classify themselves as good looking. Its not to say that all good looking people are arrogant its a sliding scale like anything else in life.

    Self esteem in this context should really be relabelled self image, as thats what alot of it boils down to, esteem is more about value, worth and personality. These things do go hand in hand.

    When you start talking self image, you live with your face everyday, the only image you see of it is reflected back with probably bad lighting from a mirror or a window. You see the flaws. Now despite the fact that you can look at a picture and think yep Im ugly those daily images you se have far greater impression.

    Instead of focussing on the negative you ned to focus much mor on the positive side of things, now this is narcistic, but when did you last look in the mirror and say "hey I have a great smile, great eyes, the perfect jaw". Chances are you dont.

    To give you another angle on what Im probably relaying very badly, one of my favouriet authors on self esteem Mo Shapiro,, uses a great analogy.

    If people phone her and say "its only me" she replies "well if its inly you why would I want to bother talking to you". Change that mindset with a simple step and you start to improve your confidence etc.

    I can honestly say I dont see ugliness I see uniqueness, qwerkiness or just simply a beautiful aspect you probably fail to see in a reflection.
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    Feb 09, 2008 9:39 AM GMT
    Handsome is as handsome does.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 09, 2008 10:06 AM GMT
    Very true redhead...

    Everybody.... everybody has something attractive about them
    is everybody a "headturner"? no
    but don't waste time and energy on negative thinking
    play up the attributes that you got
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    Feb 09, 2008 10:49 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidI mean, not thinking you are ugly, just not really a head-turner, you know?

    Excellent question. Another one that makes you think.

    I would think that if this thought disrupts your happiness and success then yes it would be low self esteem. However, if it's nothing more than just a passing thought where you aren't brutal or negative about yourself I'd lean more towards calling this being humble.

    Because everything is visual we quickly fall into the pattern of elevating the pretty people or the head turners. We all know that there are some miserable head turners out there. So it's safe to say we can't build self esteem alone on looks. You will find confidence,happiness and success through education, vocation, respect, love, and HUMILITY just to name a few. When you look at it that way all of a sudden looks really isn't a formula for self esteem. Perhaps it's a bonus for some but if all you've got to offer in life is your looks the scariest moment comes when those looks start to fade. And they will!!

    So back to the original question... I just think your a sweet guy with a lot of humility. Don't ever lose that trait! It makes you a head turner icon_smile.gif