My ex wants to come back home. What should I do?

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    Jul 09, 2010 9:39 PM GMT
    We were together 10+ years. We did very well for 8 years. We know each other better than anybody knows us. We have helped each other through very difficult life issues. We are still helping each other out, even though his ass got kicked to the curb for deceiving me for over a year.

    Last year, I discovered an unknown credit card account with 17K debt. In January I discovered he was cheating on me with some guy at work. The credit card debt was for gifts, so he could impress the new boyfriend (who makes four times my ex's salary). He would eat out, and buy pricy gifts. I want a TAG Heuer watch, BITCH!

    His personality has changed.
    He has become very insecure, and lost his confidence (We lost just about everything from our investment property, that would NOT sell for four years). He is estranged from his parents. They contact me to see how he is doing. He won't answer their calls. He really has nobody else to rely on.I am thinking mid-life crisis.

    I got a call last night...My ex caught his boytoy cheating on him with two other guys. He wants to come home. He has nowhere else to go. Fuck!

    I am still angry with him for his lies and betrayal. I am finally healing, setting new goals and rebuilding my own identity as a single man. I am adjusting well and enjoy my own free time.
    However, I am FURIOUS that the boytoy would treat my ex this way. I have always been protective of my ex. I could crack the boytoy in the jaw, and kick him in the dick! Are my feelings normal? Is it that I still love him?

    Part of me says, "serves you right you cheating mother! Karma's a bitch, huh?!?" Part of me feels for him. He is feeling the sting of betrayal, just like I did. I invested every atom of myself to US for ten years.I'm confused there.

    If any of you have been through similar situations, I would really appreciate any wisdom or advice.

    Thanks!
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    Jul 09, 2010 10:35 PM GMT
    Really? You would take him back? Seriously I think you know that is not a smart move.
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    Jul 09, 2010 10:51 PM GMT
    I'm sorry there isn't an emoticon here for a "big thumbs down."

    It's over, and the longer you linger over the memory, the longer you handicap yourself. Time to start looking for his replacement, and until you bury these lingering emotions, you will remain in limbo, going nowhere.

    I have exes, too. I even had one visit my partner & me here, and stay with us. When a guy & I break up, it is forever. No regrets, no going back, no second thoughts.

    So that I can even go out with him and my partner, have dinner & drinks as we have, and there is no threat to my hubby, and both of them know that. I have a very precise & orderly mind, as anyone who knows me will tell you, and when I close a door behind me, it stays closed.

    You might consider doing the same thing. One door closes, and another opens. If you keep lingering in the doorway, you won't ever get anywhere. Yes?
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:01 PM GMT
    Wilton saidI'm sorry there isn't an emoticon here for a "big thumbs down."

    It's over, and the longer you linger over the memory, the longer you handicap yourself. Time to start looking for his replacement, and until you bury these lingering emotions, you will remain in limbo, going nowhere.

    I have exes, too. I even had one visit my partner & me here, and stay with us. When a guy & I break up, it is forever. No regrets, no going back, no second thoughts.

    So that I can even go out with him and my partner, have dinner & drinks as we have, and there is no threat to my hubby, and both of them know that. I have a very precise & orderly mind, as anyone who knows me will tell you, and when I close a door behind me, it stays closed.

    You might consider doing the same thing. One door closes, and another opens. If you keep lingering in the doorway, you won't ever get anywhere. Yes?


    I was taken aback by my reaction to the news. I have been much happier without him. I am my own man again. But hearing that someone hurt my ex...I didn't expect to get angry. Which makes me think part of me still loves him. Yipes!

    He has burned his bridges. My trust in him is shot. His credibility is ruined with our mutual friends. His own parents have distanced themselves. It's so sad. I don't know if pity is the right word, but that is part of it.

    It scares me that he has nowhere to turn.

    I will have to work on closing the door, locking it, and chucking the key.
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:18 PM GMT
    n8698u saidI will have to work on closing the door, locking it, and chucking the key.

    Damn, now I have to backtrack a bit, or at least clarify. This gets complicated...

    I still care for the welfare of my exes (with one exception, who is a bastard who can burn in Hell). I can CARE that they do well, but all romantic interest is gone. Does that make sense?

    They can remain my friends, but with no more romantic interest than any of my other friends. I keep in touch, I am concerned about how they're doing, but in terms of love, it no longer exists.

    I don't know how they themselves feel about it, but I can draw that line, make that unemotional distinction. Yeah, I can remember our good times together, reminisce and smile with them, but there ain't no goin' back. I have one lover at a time, and my sole attention is on him. A simplistic rule, perhaps, but I find it works very well.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 09, 2010 11:29 PM GMT
    Something's rotten in Denmark

    Something's just not making sense here
    You tell us these God-awful things that this guy did to you
    and that you're very angry with hi that you threw him to the curb
    and rightly so

    .... Then you give us that he's getting a bit of his own medicine
    Karma's a Bitch BTW
    and you're pissed at your Ex's BF ??????? WTF!

    I understand the ambivalent feeling regarding him having no place to go
    and that in itself should tell you that this guy has burned many bridges before and After you

    But go' head and go back with this guy
    But this time you better Lo' Jack everything in your house
    People don't change
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:33 PM GMT
    n8698u saidMy ex wants to come back home. What should I do?
    Move.
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:36 PM GMT
    Similar story but not exactly with my Ex after twelve yrs. Mid life crisis is a catch all for lots of defects. What ever his issues and disorders they probably have been there most of his life and you may have chose to over look them.

    There is a reason the saying " Love is blind" gets so much press as we get older!

    If he is near your age or older it is doubtful he will change and see the error of his ways. He should have learned in his early teen years not to treat someone the way he did you. The fact that he got treated the same way by his new partner tells you he found someone like himself. In my book those types of guys belong together.

    If you are that gracious of a human being that you want to help him with the understanding that he probably hasn't changed and you expect nothing in return then feel free to. However, you seem to be mad at the boytoy for treating your Ex the same way he treated you and he was probably treating the boytoy. I hardly think he changed when he moved on!

    Your Ex got himself into this situation why does he need someone to get him out? He didn't seem to care that he left you all alone. If something happens to you tomorrow who will he depend on? Maybe the kindest thing is to let him struggle and help himself.

    I think it is time that you treat yourself well by continuing to heal and take care of yourself.
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:40 PM GMT
    be careful not to confuse love with codependence or familiarity. meninlove would have some thoughts about the long haul - they're practically the only gay couple on here i can think of who would have had the collective wisdoms of years to speak about this from a perspective of wisdom. most anyone else on here who tells you anything about a relationship of this length is probably not speaking from a position of experience. ask them directly.
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:44 PM GMT
    common story here it seams.... I get on well with my ex's but am not sure if I would ever get back into a relationship with them. One guy in particular I lived with for nine years and thought he was just amazing, but he just moved out one day. That was it - no reason. After a while I was able to hang around with him and his family when he is in town as he is still a mate and I really care about him.

    Maybe offering him a spare room or a couch for a few days until he can find himself his own place (with the understanding that he WILL be finding himself his own place)

    In a long term relationship there are so many good times, that because of some shitty experiences, I still don't want to lose that friendship so I try to work on that. But if it begins to mess with my head... then sorry he has to go. It is on my terms now!!

    Good luck.. and no matter what, you are the better person and the one who will end up with your life sorted....

    Kia Kaha (stand tall)
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    Jul 09, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    I feel you should let him sleep in the bed he made; however, if he truly has nowhere else to go i.e. homeless, and you have the room I would put him up for at least a few months until he can get back on his feet especially if you are still good friends. I would make it conditional as hell though, like make him sign something that states he will be out in 6 months and no arm candy in the house.
    On second thought he would have to be downright homeless before I would help and even then I would most likely only help him find somewhere to live I don’t think it would be healthy emotionally to have him in the same house. I guess it all depends on your relationship with him.
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    GQjock saidSomething's rotten in Denmark

    Something's just not making sense here
    You tell us these God-awful things that this guy did to you
    and that you're very angry with hi that you threw him to the curb
    and rightly so

    .... Then you give us that he's getting a bit of his own medicine
    Karma's a Bitch BTW
    and you're pissed at your Ex's BF ??????? WTF!

    I understand the ambivalent feeling regarding him having no place to go
    and that in itself should tell you that this guy has burned many bridges before and After you

    But go' head and go back with this guy
    But this time you better Lo' Jack everything in your house
    People don't change


    Believe me...there is a huge "WTF?" floating over my head concerning my reaction. I have always had strong feelings when someone I know (or care(d) about) is hurt. I just wasn't sure why that emotion popped up, if I was over him.

    I am angry with him, don't get me wrong. But it reminds me of alcoholics who get confronted with their choices, and have no other options. It's sad. I guess it is pity.

    I have never been in this situation before. All my previous boyfriends have been "flings." They were good company, but there was no deep connection the way it was with my ex. They only lasted a few months...then came the ONE. We both fell hard for each other. Uncharted territory for me...

    My gut reaction told me he is beyond changing, and doesn't deserve my help.

    Thanks.
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:12 AM GMT
    Roccoe said
    Similar story but not exactly with my Ex after twelve yrs. Mid life crisis is a catch all for lots of defects. What ever his issues and disorders they probably have been there most of his life and you may have chose to over look them.

    There is a reason the saying " Love is blind" gets so much press as we get older!

    If he is near your age or older it is doubtful he will change and see the error of his ways. He should have learned in his early teen years not to treat someone the way he did you. The fact that he got treated the same way by his new partner tells you he found someone like himself. In my book those types of guys belong together.

    If you are that gracious of a humane being that you want to help him with the understanding that he probably hasn't changed and you expect nothing in return then feel free to. However, you seem to be mad at the boytoy for treating your Ex the same way he treated you and he was probably treating the boytoy. I hardly think he changed when he moved on!

    Your Ex got himself into this situation why does he need someone to get him out? He didn't seem to care that he left you all alone. If something happens to you tomorrow who will he depend on? Maybe the kindest thing is to let him struggle and help himself.

    I think it is time that you treat yourself well by continuing to heal and take care of yourself.


    We were in couples counseling for a month. He has never gone back. I know he doesn't have the courage to take an unflinching look at himself. I am the complete opposite. I am very conscious of doing the right thing.

    I was raised to be forgiving, and give out second chances. The follies of youth! My Idealistic upbringing has been tempered with realism. He has never made a strong effort to reflect, make amends, and change.

    Thanks!
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:13 AM GMT
    IMHO he should try and recommend to him that he move back home with his parents and that is his true home not your house. He should rebuild his relationship with his parents since they are his family. You should stay out of the mess he created and continue to rebuild your life since he has put you through so much financially and emotionally already.
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:23 AM GMT
    Rawrly saidIt's called KARMA. You would be among the stupidest people on the planet if you let him back. Kick him out of your life.

    Basically, you're not his first choice anyway. Because he was with someone else and is only trying to waltz back now that it's over. Have respect for yourself and toss the loser to the curb.


    Karma is right!

    He forfeited his sanctuary.

    He got burned playing with fire.

    Thanks!
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:30 AM GMT
    Ashley80 saidIMHO he should try and recommend to him that he move back home with his parents and that is his true home not your house. He should rebuild his relationship with his parents since they are his family. You should stay out of the mess he created and continue to rebuild your life since he has put you through so much financially and emotionally already.


    AH! His parents live in OH. That isn't much of an option.

    He made his choices and will have to face the consequences.

    Thanks!
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    Good for you! I'll be thinking about you.
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    Jul 10, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    n8698u saidMy ex wants to come back home. What should I do?
    Move.


    Or change the locks! icon_lol.gif
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 10, 2010 1:34 AM GMT
    You would be 100% certifiably crazy to take this guy back.
    He will destroy you financially and emotionally.
    He is a user and a loser.
    This guy isn't helpless, he's hopeless.
    You owe him nothing.

    The best thing you can do is to sever ALL ties to this guy, including any form of communication.
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    Jul 10, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    Roccoe said
    Similar story but not exactly with my Ex after twelve yrs. Mid life crisis is a catch all for lots of defects. What ever his issues and disorders they probably have been there most of his life and you may have chose to over look them.

    There is a reason the saying " Love is blind" gets so much press as we get older!

    If he is near your age or older it is doubtful he will change and see the error of his ways. He should have learned in his early teen years not to treat someone the way he did you. The fact that he got treated the same way by his new partner tells you he found someone like himself. In my book those types of guys belong together.

    If you are that gracious of a humane being that you want to help him with the understanding that he probably hasn't changed and you expect nothing in return then feel free to. However, you seem to be mad at the boytoy for treating your Ex the same way he treated you and he was probably treating the boytoy. I hardly think he changed when he moved on!

    Your Ex got himself into this situation why does he need someone to get him out? He didn't seem to care that he left you all alone. If something happens to you tomorrow who will he depend on? Maybe the kindest thing is to let him struggle and help himself.

    I think it is time that you treat yourself well by continuing to heal and take care of yourself.



    I'm quoting Roccoe instead of saying the same thing differently. icon_wink.gif

    a hug -Doug
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 10, 2010 1:41 AM GMT
    n8698u said
    Wilton said

    It scares me that he has nowhere to turn.





    Bull Shit.
    There are endless FREE social services for people who need work, housing, food, training, rehabilitation, treatment, medical and on and on.
    Where would he turn if you weren't around to bail him out ?
    THAT"S the answer to where he should turn.

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    Jul 10, 2010 1:44 AM GMT
    If you take him back you'll be just as much of a fool as he is.
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    Jul 10, 2010 2:44 AM GMT
    Thanks guys.

    I called and told him he was not welcome here, in no uncertain terms.

    I asked him if he understood, and made him repeat what I said back.

    He will not be coming back.

    Thanks for all of your advice.


    To me, this is like watching an alcoholic sink into their sickness. What causes people to fuck their own life up? It's sad.

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    Jul 10, 2010 3:53 AM GMT

    I know that wasn't easy to say!

    Has Doug said ....Hugs!!!!!