Scared of goodness

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    Jul 11, 2010 6:18 AM GMT
    So I have had a man I love dearly want to do anything to be with me, yet because I couldnt handle the pressure of someone else giving up so much (move to where I am) I declined. It seemed safer and that the safety of if it didnt work out I would not be held to blame or for the hurt caused.

    Is it cause I fear risk? Or because I feel I dont deserve goodness and someone to be that into me that they would change their lives for me?

    I dont want to be this person. I want to take the risk but it is probably too late now to change my mind.

  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jul 11, 2010 12:37 PM GMT
    I think it's fear of risk. If someone moves to you and it doesn't work out, imagine how guilty you will feel. Huge risk on both ends. But I think it's smarter, and more pragmatic, to be this way than the opposite, i.e. being too reckless.

    Fear of goodness/happiness? Doubtful.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 11, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    84ozguy saidSo I have had a man I love dearly want to do anything to be with me, yet because I couldnt handle the pressure of someone else giving up so much (move to where I am) I declined. It seemed safer and that the safety of if it didnt work out I would not be held to blame or for the hurt caused.

    Is it cause I fear risk? Or because I feel I dont deserve goodness and someone to be that into me that they would change their lives for me?

    I dont want to be this person. I want to take the risk but it is probably too late now to change my mind.



    You don't deserve goodness? You don't want someone to have to change for you?
    Come on icon_neutral.gif

    Relationships are a risk Yeah
    It's scarey
    and YOU might have to do some changing yourself
    but don't use self-serving terms like those to side step the issue
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    Jul 11, 2010 12:51 PM GMT
    Gee matey, tough situation. But if someone is that into you and you're into him, isn't it worth taking a shot at long term happiness? Are you prepared to deal with the potential feelings of regret down the track for what might have been?

    All relationships involve risk...

    I would be so delighted that someone is willing to do something like that for me...

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    Jul 11, 2010 2:38 PM GMT
    84ozguy, the fellow in question is an adult, right? Have the two of you spoken warmly and sincerely to each other about this? Please don't decide for him. The decision should be a joint one and approached with a whole lot of love and caring for each other. That IS why you're together, eh? icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Jul 11, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    Honestly dude, at some point we are all scared, we are afraid of taking the risk because we think we will get hurt, but the truth is that if you don't take the risk you will never know what could happen if you have taked the risk.

    So my advice: take the risk, and fight for it, maybe it turns out well, and if not, it's going to be hard but is better to take the risk and know what could had happen than no knowing and stay all your life with the doubt.
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    Jul 12, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    Feel the fear...and do it anyway.

    Fear can be transmogrified into "excitement" and "living fully in the moment".

    Try hiking a ridge line.
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    Jul 12, 2010 4:55 AM GMT
    Lots of good thoughts here.

    Here's my thought...we're all human, we all just do the best we can with what we have to work with. There's always a fear of not being good enough, or having things go south, and if it does...you know what can you do? The secret to feeling good enough is simply to be true to yourself, and have the mindset that no matter what happens everything will be ok. That's what has helped me overcome a lot of huge psychological obstacles in my life.

    For me, I know I'm at a phase in my life where my focus must be upon myself. To bring someone into the mix would be really unfair, both to me and them. Granted sometimes you can't control when or where you fall for someone, I want to make sure than I'm ready to show them the best of myself. Not a persona, but who I am as a person.

    I say follow your gut, be happy, and keep growing.
  • omatix

    Posts: 89

    Jul 12, 2010 5:03 AM GMT
    Maybe this is revealing something about me, but do you have any worries about what it says about a guy who'll pack up his life just to rely on you for his happiness in this new place? That is, I like to date someone who's independent, and this sends the opposite message. I don't like the idea of having someone rely on me so immediately, although it's fine if that grows out naturally and mutually later on.

    I recognize that this interpretation is pretty damn negative, but since it was (one of my) initial reaction(s), then maybe it could have been someone else's too.
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jul 12, 2010 5:39 AM GMT
    he knows the risks too and is willing to make them. worry about the blaming if it ever comes to that.
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    Jul 12, 2010 5:44 AM GMT
    84ozguy saidSo I have had a man I love dearly want to do anything to be with me, yet because I couldnt handle the pressure of someone else giving up so much (move to where I am) I declined. It seemed safer and that the safety of if it didnt work out I would not be held to blame or for the hurt caused.

    Is it cause I fear risk? Or because I feel I dont deserve goodness and someone to be that into me that they would change their lives for me?

    I dont want to be this person. I want to take the risk but it is probably too late now to change my mind.



    I'LL MOVE, I'LL MOVE!!!!! ... LET ME CHANGE MY LIFE!!!!
  • lozano86

    Posts: 293

    Jul 12, 2010 5:49 AM GMT
    aww you should of went for it dude. now you wont know how it would of turned out. Decisions decisions. Gotta love life.
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    Jul 12, 2010 5:56 AM GMT
    Omatix saidMaybe this is revealing something about me, but do you have any worries about what it says about a guy who'll pack up his life just to rely on you for his happiness in this new place? That is, I like to date someone who's independent, and this sends the opposite message. I don't like the idea of having someone rely on me so immediately, although it's fine if that grows out naturally and mutually later on.

    I recognize that this interpretation is pretty damn negative, but since it was (one of my) initial reaction(s), then maybe it could have been someone else's too.


    Well thats not what he said though, he said he would be happy if the guy moved, but he's afraid of the risks of that change would entail

    besides, why have a partner if you intend to live separate forever???
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    Jul 12, 2010 6:16 AM GMT
    Actually you and you alone already know the answer to this. Do you deserve the goodness? Do you feel worthy? Ultimately my guess is probably not. I say that because making the decision for him, actually over ruling his decision shows you have an extreme degree of narcissism, and usually narcissism arises from some sort of fractured sense of self. Your self obsession led to you making a decision for someone else, cause after all you know better then him that you aren't worth it. Now secretly knowing it's a load of B.S. you came here seeking validation, but not really. You actually knew people would tell you that you were wrong, thus reinforcing your view of yourself as being wrong and unworthy. I suggest you seek some professional help to help you work through this stuff and improve your self esteem, so you don't keep rampaging through people's lives like a bull in a china closet, doing whatever the hell you want and never giving a damn that there are real people left behind that have to clean up your mess, real people that have feelings like you do, real people that bleed red just like you. Person with self esteem issues = piece of crap that the world revolves around.

    This may sound harsh, please don't take it that way. I mean every word of it with the best intent. Sometimes it takes a real friend to cut through your b.s. and tell you the truth. Not that I really know the truth, it's only the truth as I view it. Take it for what its worth to you.
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    Jul 12, 2010 9:06 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the thoughts. Was just putting it out there or if anyone has been in a similar situation.

    I was not making the decision for him ever either. He actually asked me that he would come if I asked him to. Which was where I felt the pressure. Whether I do need to seek some sort of help or if feeling that pressure and panicking from it is normal..

    A few mates have said that its cause of the distance.. from US to Australia is a long way to go and a massive life change.

    I would wanna change though cause back in the day, I was up for so much risk. I have moved from London to Auckland for someone before, so sort of wonder if that has anything to do with my experience there too. Probably.

    Whether it is too late or not, I am learning.

    Thanks guys.

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    Jul 12, 2010 10:19 AM GMT
    and now the rest comes out. There is a difference between moving from Charlotte to Atlanta and moving from Atlanta to Australia....
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    Jul 12, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    84ozguy saidThanks for all the thoughts. Was just putting it out there or if anyone has been in a similar situation.

    I was not making the decision for him ever either. He actually asked me that he would come if I asked him to. Which was where I felt the pressure. Whether I do need to seek some sort of help or if feeling that pressure and panicking from it is normal..

    A few mates have said that its cause of the distance.. from US to Australia is a long way to go and a massive life change.

    I would wanna change though cause back in the day, I was up for so much risk. I have moved from London to Auckland for someone before, so sort of wonder if that has anything to do with my experience there too. Probably.

    Whether it is too late or not, I am learning.

    Thanks guys.



    This, "He actually asked me that he would come if I asked him to. Which was where I felt the pressure."

    What he did is very likely a roundabout way of trying to find out how much you want him and desire commitment to him.

    Perhaps tell him that you love him (do you?) and think that life together would be wonderful but that you can't tell him what to do or not do.
    He just wants to be sure you're sure of your feelings for him and that you're ready to commit.

    -Doug
  • omatix

    Posts: 89

    Jul 12, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    How well do you know each other? Have you lived in the same city and dated previously?
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    Jul 12, 2010 7:42 PM GMT
    Do you fear his ability to become dependent? Is he going to be able to support himself in the long run if he does come to you? What about his career? Talk to him. Ask him how his life will be. What his expectations are for your relationship.

    Does he know your hesitance in this matter? I empathize with you. I would never want to be responsible for someone's unhappiness. But if your both are satisfied with what you have, I would ask him to come to you.

    Like someone else said, maybe he wants to know how much you want this relationship. But if I move for a lover, I would not put HIM in the position of asking me to leave my life behind for him in a budding love affair. It is different when you have been together for quite some time and are on safe footing in a decided relationship.
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    Jul 12, 2010 7:54 PM GMT
    A lot of good answers and advice dude are here for ya.
    Just remember that you are gonna take a lot of relationships no matter what. Id be excited if a guy was willing to move to my city to be with me. But make sure you feel the same way about him. You deserve goodness in life like everyone else. Sorry things didn't work out for you and that guy though best of luck in the future.
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    Jul 12, 2010 9:41 PM GMT
    Mate i don't think there is anything wrong with what your feeling at all.

    That sort of move is massive and to be told you have to ask rather then it being an organic eventuality to progress to after spending time together, that's even more stressful, you would be asking this person to make such a huge change for a potential something.

    Have you met this guy? Have you spent a day with him? Have you spent a week? Do you know as two people you can work together? Online, you only see half a man and you only see the half that is the best of him, in person there is a whole lot more and you need to find out what that more is be seeing him in person and being around him and how he talks to others, interacts with others and how he just generally is in all sorts of situations...

    So na mate, if I was you I'd stop worrying your self sbout it, maybe take a trip to visit him or have him visit you. Anyone who just wants to move especially if you hzvent spent any significant time together doesn't seem right although there is the rare exception they are the exception!

    I think you probably made the right decision rather then follow the impulsive desire which can cause more problems down the line?
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    Jul 14, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    I think it sounds like self-sabotage. You're afraid of the future--perhaps you think things are too perfect and question it. You need to explore inner self and ask yourself if you are:

    1. Willing to accept love?
    2.. Willing to accept happiness?
    3. Willing to make it happen at all cost?

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    Jul 14, 2010 3:58 AM GMT
    yea we're all scared of goodness, Its like we all want it, but dont want it at the same time.... find the median of the both and u should be content.... icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 15, 2010 8:23 AM GMT
    Thanks all icon_smile.gif Lessons to be learned and I dont want regrets.. So wont give up either.