Jerks in the city

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 09, 2008 3:00 PM GMT
    I was recently chatting with outdoorathlete on here and had an thought. Do smaller cities have nicer people? Are guys in bigger cities more selfish?

    It seems to me, that even the straight guys/girls in Boston that I know are so busy with their own lives, they don't have time to hang out even to grab coffee.

    There's that small chance that my personality is so abrasive that people RUN the other way, but for the sake of argument let's assume that isn't true.

    If you're a jerk in a big city. Will anyone really know?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 09, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
    Dear Male Carrie *lol*,

    Yes, there is a huge difference in attitude between those that come from the big city and the small city. Irregardless of orientation, the big city breeds hardened, jaded people as that is essential to survive in a concrete jungle. Hence this behavior becomes the norm and the "jerk" you are referring to may not be the case for "them".

    On the other hand, this is the complete opposite of people from the small city: they are more receptive, accommodating and chilled-out.

    I guess the bigger the city, the greater the pressure and vice versa.

    I feel that if I live in Dubai for another year I'll become the person I hate.


    Yours,
    The Male Charlotte (says Facebook!)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 09, 2008 5:30 PM GMT
    I guess my experience is not the usual one, but when I lived in New York (for 15 years), my friends and I always had time to hang out. I was involved with many different social groups--I had friends from the classical chorus I sang with, friends from the midnight gambling clubs, from work, and just assorted gay friends I'd accumulated over the years. But it never seemed that anyone was "too busy", in fact some of our best get-togethers were planned at the last moment. Also, I had a big apartment and friends liked to hang out there since I had a lot of room.

    I find it harder in South Florida.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 09, 2008 8:26 PM GMT
    Not true - in Big cities you have ALL KINDS of people.. many are very goal oriented hardworking career foccussed people who have little or no time for other.. and yet many are people who live in Big cities just so they can have a great social life.

    On the other hand.. I find people in smaller cities/towns to be very closed minded, backward and afraid of change or accepting new people in their life.

    Basically in Big cities you have all the choices you could ask for.. and in smaller towns.. sometimes you may never have anywhere to run...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 09, 2008 9:54 PM GMT
    That's why I prefer life in a big city .. cuz everyone is in his own bussiness .. not sticking to your ass wanting to know who you are, what you ate, drunk,who are your friends are, who you fucked and why (nicer?)...

    I guess I'm ambitious to be a "jerk" in the big city (in the meantime i'm a jerk in a small city..)
    cuz this is the best way to live your life the way you want without limiting yourself and tying yourself to a small comunity who want you to follow the stream (in a very narrow way ) .... big cities are more "gay friendly" I guess ..

    Am I a bit right Zimatar?
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 09, 2008 10:32 PM GMT
    There pro and cons of living in the city and small town. I have 2 houses, one a city apartment in a cities with 2 million population another one a houses in a suburban . Aside from that I have a small cabin in a village that I sometimes go to for some slower pace and less stressfull life. Among this three places the city apartment is the most unfriendly places. Except for some casual hello I hardly even know my neighbour (I only have one at the end of the hallway). However the city apartment is best for my sexual escapade and where I have more fun. Living in strict, conservative country you sure have more privacy and can do what your please. I can come home at 4 am in the morning, bringing guys or one nite stand back and nobody give a darn. When I was living with my ex bf, as two gay couple ,people dont even ask who is this kid 20 years younger than me sharing my apartment.

    When my bf come to visit me in my suburban house my neighbour start asking who is he. Is he my nephew,relative , renting a room or etc?. I have to do a lot of lying and pretending to be a gay man here. The cabin on the other hand is where I need to really behave myself. Among this village folk, I am a oddity and total weirdo. They thaught I am a really strange fellow to remain single in my forties, going everywhere by myself. And yes, they constantly harrasing me to get married to a women.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Feb 10, 2008 2:51 AM GMT
    I don't think having a busy life, having no time to grab a coffee with friends makes someone a jerk.

    Is it true that people living in large cities more jaded and unfriendly? Sure. Is that a bad thing? Yes and no.

    Yes because being rude just for the sake of being rude is completely uncalled for. I think some people who are really busy rushing to do something important fall into the trap of thinking they're the centre of the universe and what they have to get done is the most important thing on the planet and you're just in the way.

    No, it's not a bad thing because they're so self-involved they don't get up in your business.

    Not too long ago, I was walking through my neighbourhood (I live downtown) and a woman was standing on her front steps and said hi as I started passing her. I scrunched my brow and thought 'what the fuck does she want?', and immediately scolded myself for being one of 'those' people. I stopped and turned around and told her I can't believe I acted like that. She laughed, cause I'm sure she could relate. We chatted, then I went on my way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 4:16 AM GMT
    I think that every place has both types. I live in Boston (or actually I work in Boston and live 7 miles out) and I've met great people there and hard asses. I've met the same in small towns I've lived in too. I think it depends who you hang around with. I think that too many people from different places move to cities, don't immediately make a connection with a group, and then get hardened. Unless you connect to others, you end up like that too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 5:48 AM GMT
    GHoSTa saidThat's why I prefer life in a big city .. cuz everyone is in his own bussiness .. not sticking to your ass wanting to know who you are, what you ate, drunk,who are your friends are, who you fucked and why (nicer?)...

    I guess I'm ambitious to be a "jerk" in the big city (in the meantime i'm a jerk in a small city..)
    cuz this is the best way to live your life the way you want without limiting yourself and tying yourself to a small comunity who want you to follow the stream (in a very narrow way ) .... big cities are more "gay friendly" I guess ..

    Am I a bit right Zimatar?


    Well this hits 'home' a bit, I have to admit. I mean when I e-mail folks back home (Philippines), they freak out when I tell them, "I'm hanging out with this Palestinian/Iranian/Saudi/Kuwaiti/Jordanian/Lebanese friend of mine at theirs, etc." LOL

    Being an expat for 7 years living in a very cosmopolitan city such as Dubai with at least 130 different nationalities present has its own perks. It opens your eyes and educates you relentlessly.

    I think my situation here is different since everyone (and everything) here is transient and it's difficult to cultivate friendships as the average tenure of an expat working here is just 2 years. You end up teaching yourself to be a social butterfly so it does not hurt you later when it's time to move on.

    Not to mention the fact that you are stereotyped by your skin color / race / passport , etc. You should see how they put up job ads here, it's ridiculous! Potential court case if it were in the States, simply put.

    AND DUBAI IS NOT GAY-FRIENDLY.
  • Artesin

    Posts: 482

    Feb 10, 2008 7:54 AM GMT
    Call me crazy but I think it varies to person to person depending on what the situation and environment is at that time. I've found people in small spread out cities to be incredibly narrow minded and hardly cultured to anything outside of their own insubstantial family upbringing that seems to breed only misguided malice to things they don't understand. Whereas in bigger cities such as New york I tend to find the people absorbed in their own lives, not really messing with anyone else, until the night life arises and the partying begins. That lifestyle, along with the people involved with it, seems much nicer to me.

    In my personal experiences people hassle me due to the way I portray myself and wonder why I'm not like them just because they have no concept of abstract thought. Whereas in NYC the majority of the populace couldn't care less so there's no breaking neck stares for me to catch. THough I'm still torn between the whole idea and the environment people grow up around due to the fact that small towns in england are comparable to nyc in the way they turn.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Feb 10, 2008 8:01 AM GMT
    its true that city people can appear rude in public, as that's the only way they deal with the masses they share the streets with on a day to day basic, but in terms of their genuineness, the size of the city is irrelevant.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 8:08 AM GMT
    on the social scheme of things, i notice too that here, 'facebooking' is much more popular to get in touch with. as this avoids the awkward exchanges of phone numbers, i reckon.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 10:12 AM GMT
    When you live in Paris, when you leave the city everyone seems nice everywhere! It's marvelous...

    (except for in Russia. Frankly that was a little scary).
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 10, 2008 2:13 PM GMT
    LOL...this is right up my alley

    I grew up in NYC where a smile on your face means that either you're up to something or you're crazy

    Living in a big city being reserved is a defense mechanism...it's not really being mean
    it's just that you don't open up to people right away

    When I moved out of NY my friends used to laugh at me because they said that I used to scare people off
    and now I'm livin down in Miami where it's even worse than it was in NY.....

    the bitchy capital of the world!icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 5:20 PM GMT
    I think the national culture also plays into it a little too... for example Sydney is a city of 3 million people or so but I've always found Sydneysiders to be extremely friendly...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 5:23 PM GMT
    I just tend to think that there are orders of magnitude difference in humility between large cities and smaller cities. I'll elaborate:

    To borrow a quote from Star Trek TNG
    Q: "Please! Spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in history. Nothing you do here will cause the Federation to collapse or galaxies to explode. To be blunt, you're not that important."

    I think people in big cities think they're... well... a big deal. I've actually had people in Boston tell me they are kinda a big deal (doubly sad since Boston isn't really a big city). And people in smaller cities tend to have a little more levity to their existence.

    Clearly I'm hanging out with the wrong circle of people. I know, for myself, I do basic science research on a protein 99.99999% (I actually estimated this number based on the population of america and the size of my field) don't even know exists. Really, I am replaceable. I'm not a big deal in the slightest. What gets me through the day is that one day I might be a big deal to someone. Just one person. Or a handful of close friends.

    I think this is the difference between big city mentality and small city mentality. One of self-importance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 5:50 PM GMT
    I've never noticed that huge a difference between big cities and smaller areas when it comes to friendliness. I think both have their share of genuinely friendly people that want to get to know you and less friendly people that are snobby about who they are and where they come from for whatever reason (like when more rural people have contempt for "city folk"). I am in Los Angeles, sitting in a coffee shop as I type this, I am on a first-name basis with everyone that works here and have had a substantial conversation at some point with three out of the four people that happen to be sitting at the counter with me right now - if that isn't small-town friendliness, I don't know what is. People are people wherever you go. For me, the main difference between big/small city has more to do with pace and a willingness to take things more slowly (in other words: "HURRY UP AND MAKE MY FUCKING COFFEE ALREADY!").
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 5:56 PM GMT
    I have a most unusual situation of invironment that I've come to enjoy. I was originally from a small college town just into Michigan, just an hour from the burbs of Chicago, and other metro areas. We all new each other where I was raised and near the college had hundreds of other cultures represented, so all seemed to be friendly. I moved south, and my God what a shock to the system !!! Short sighted Baptists, pentacostals, and most do what "PaPaw" did, "IF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR PAPAW, ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME" kind of attitude. But once I was known in the neighborhood, these people would do anything for me, we have worked on each others houses with literally building from scratch large rooms, small additions, bartering work back and forth with each other. Its been wonderful. They know I generally have any thing down the hardware line they might have need of in an emergency, so now and then I get to help one of them out. Otherwise, I'm living 1/2 mile up a private road on some mountain property, and I'm left alone to do as I please independantly. but when I "COME OFF THE MOUNTAIN" LOL !! everyone I pass driving to town waves, my neighbors stop me for a chat by the road, when I get to town, I rarely go anywhere and don't recognize someone to talk too. One day I had 8 errands to run, and met someone I new at each place, then I wanted to stop at the library to send an email, I was crossing my fingers that I wouldn't meet another "SOMEONE I KNOW" sat down to the computer, and I'll be damned when I hit "HOTMAIL" the last hotmail user was my daughter !!! LOL !!! (who lives about 35 miles from home and had missed me at the mountain place) So I'm lucky I have the quiet when I want it, and lots of socializing when I want it at my will. Overall though, I have found big city people very "STUFFY" When I visit the cities though, I bring the "DOWN HOME" friendlyness with me, I get some strange looks at my hello's but still get out of them some shocked returned greetings. To me each person is important, so if I'm coming face to face, that person deserves a greeting, don't see why a big city person seems so estranged from that.
  • kinetic

    Posts: 1125

    Feb 10, 2008 6:06 PM GMT
    *sigh*

    Well first let me just say that Boston is its own thing.
    As much as any place you are is more or less what you make of it, its not always easy in Beantown. Maybe its something in the water (?).
    I have wonderful friends there, but there's definitely more than a few who seem to ruin it for the rest of us.
    Also, I have a theory:
    There are thousands college kids that are right out of HS (but not mentally) who come to town every year and overrun the city (so it seems). A majority of them are in a new place with their 'walls up', so to speak, -hence lots of attitude because so many are on the defensive. If you mix that with most Bostonian's disdain for dumb/spoiled college kids that move to into town each year; throw in some cold weather and you got a recipe for some bitter people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 7:00 PM GMT
    I definitely think that small towns feel more friendly that big towns, but there are many factors. Sometimes big cities can have neighborhoods that have a small town feel.

    I moved from the Bay Area (san jose, ca) when I was young to a small Georgia town (yeah like Mayberry RFD). For all those years I spent in the small town I can say it is a different kind of world. It was very communal and friendly. Everyone pretty much knew what was going on with everyone else which may or may not be a good thing.

    At some point as an adult I moved to Atlanta which is fairly metropolitan. It was definitely harder to get to know people. Big cities seem to be more hustle and bustle too. That brings me to a difference in West vs. East Coast. My impression is that East Coast big cities SEEM not to be as friendly and West Coast big cities because I think the West Cost is so much more laid back and leisurely.

    All that being said I don't know if it is a case of being selfish or not. But different places just have so many circumstances and characteristics that may or may not make it seem friendly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 7:20 PM GMT
    Its not that people in bigger cities are jerks..its more that city life is so fast paced that ppl don't really have time to stop and smell the roses so to say. Growing up in NY, I've found that even though the ppl might seem stand-offish and might come off as jerks or cold, a smile is usually reciprocated and alot of the times really appreciated..as is the random act of kindness. True, not alot ppl will take the time to be actively friendly, but more often than not, once you can strike the balance btwn being friendly and not coming off as scary, one's kindess and depeanor is usually appreciated. (sometimes appreciated a bit too much..which is why you can't totally let your guard down)

    Of course that's just my experience so i may be an exception the the rule.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 10, 2008 7:51 PM GMT
    I think it is dependent upon the city. I lived in Seattle for over 15 years and getting anyone to log off and socialize was nearly impossible. Pacific Northwesterners generally find spontaneous interaction with real live people terrifying. Coffee dates have to be planned out a week in advance and then it is always assumed that you have 50/50 chance of actually going through with it. Here in Chicago, which is much much larger than Seattle, you can organize brunch on the spur of the moment or have a large dinner party planned and rsvp'd within a couple hours. People here are extremely social and like to get out of their apartments and do things even in the dead of winter with a wind chill factor of -20.

    These are some generalities I've come to associate with meeting people in some of the cities I've visited or lived in.

    Seattle: "OMG! Welcome to Seattle!" the thought bubble there is "Please don't keep talking to me, human interaction makes my insides feel funny"

    Portland, OR: Thought bubble "Please don't make eye contact with me and force me to acknowledge you by smiling uncomfortably then quickly looking away."

    L.A.: "Who are are you, what do you do, who do you know and what can you do for me?"

    San Fransisco: "You're cute! Wanna fuck?"

    Vancouver B.C.: "You Americans are so cute! Wanna fuck?"

    Chicago: "I'm hungry, lets go eat."

    New Orleans: "Are you sure you don't need another drink? Seriously though, I'm worried you're not having as much fun as humanly possible."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2008 4:17 AM GMT
    lol @ RBY71

    I guess Boston is similar to Portland except the thought bubble is Gosh he's cute, I wonder if any of my friends have slept with him already. I should find out before making eye contact

    I lived in Baltimore and it was just a friendlier city. I think living in a dump brings people together. This is a testable hypothesis!!!

    Calling anyone from Detroit! Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2008 10:40 AM GMT

    I've never been to cosmopolitan cities (well, I've been to Manila, Cebu, and Davao, but they're not exactly cosmopolitan and I've never lived there). Been a country boy most of my life.

    Small towns thrive on rumor mills. Every little thing that happens will most probably be known to everyone by the next day. Especially since we live in the outskirts of a University Town. I would probably thrive in cities more than in rural areas because:

    1) I like my privacy, and sometimes all the tongues wagging just gets to my nerves. I honestly don't know if people have talked about me behind my back, but judging from how they talk about other people behind their backs, I'd be willing to bet they did.

    2) There are the really ugly instances when people suddenly ignore you for some unknown reason.

    3) When acquaintances engage you in small talk and you run out of things to say (LOL!). And it's quite hard to avoid having to see them on a day-to-day basis.

    4) Family feuds. Our family for instance, has a sort of long standing animosity with a prominent family in the nearby university. It started over some argument by our grandfather with the head of the other family long before I was born. I got a taste for it once when I applied for the University Entrance exam. One guy was very very rude to me. I didn't know why until an older woman told me to ignore him, then as I was going out she whispered his name to me and told me to ask my parents about it. I did and they told me about the feud (the woman turned out to be my mom's friend in college). I mean, WTF? It's been two generations!

    5) You see the same people every single day...

    The only thing I'd probably miss in small towns would be the clean air, the relative quiet, and nature. I'd probably be happier in a big city. Though I'd be happier still living in very small spread out communities (just not in the US, LOL). If it wasn't for the internet, I'd have died of boredom out here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 11, 2008 12:35 PM GMT
    javaman9999 saidCalling anyone from Detroit! Thoughts?


    I grew up around Detroit, but I haven't been back in....er....let's just say a long time.