At a crossroads...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2010 4:29 PM GMT
    Hi guys!

    This is may first post here, and I'm just looking for honest answers and second opinions.

    I am pretty new to the gay crowd. I was closeted until last year but have "known" for 25 years that I'm gay. I was (or still am) married to a woman for 13 years. The divorce is not final yet. We separated a little over a year ago.

    During that time I met this awesome guy. He started out as my personal trainer but we became friends quickly. I had a lot of weight to lose and he helped me with it. I was at 325 lbs and am now at 198, with a few more to go.

    He moved in with me after my wife moved out, for room and board in lieu of payment. We have been living together ever since, including a move across an ocean. A little while into being roomies, I started falling for him. He is gay and has been in the gay world for a long time. At one point it seemed the feeling was mutual, but he reneged quickly (I guess you can blame the alcohol.) Yes, I am naive.

    I got over him once already, but back into it just a few days ago. He told me he was not right for me in that regard. I'm trying to distance myself emotionally, but have a hard time doing so. Yesterday we almost came to the conclusion that he should move back home, but on the other hand, he is an awesome buddy, and I could not imagine not having him around just as a pal. He stuck with me for months of the ex's "drunk" calling every few days, and all the other stuff a woman scorned can dish out. He says I need healing before I should get serious with anyone, which I agree that he has a point. I am damaged goods, if you will, from a religious home, where being gay was not an option. I took part in some ex-gay ministries hoping for a "cure", and when I thought I was cured I got married, 'cuz that's what was expected. 10 years into it, after holding the marriage together, I had enough of being a doormat for this succubus. At that point, my suppressed gay feelings also came back (actually they never really left, it was all just a big farce.)

    I am going to see a therapist to help me through all this. But for now, "should he stay or should he go?" How can I emotionally distance myself from him yet keep him as a friend? I love him dearly (as a friend) but I guess I don't know how to separate the one love from the other...
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 12, 2010 5:57 PM GMT
    It is a bit hard to emotionally separate yourself from a person when they're there. At the same time it looks like having him in your life would be beneficial since he's helped you in losing over 100 pounds (congrats on that).

    It's good that you're seeing a therapist. He/she would hopefully help you sort your feelings out so you can make a decision.

    One question...what was the reasoning behind him moving in with you, not to mention the move across the ocean, especially if there wasn't a romantic connection? I'm reading that to mean that he moved in once and then moved to be with you again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2010 7:11 PM GMT
    He moved in with me as he was in a bad place, as far as his living arrangements went. I had the space, so why not?

    I left the States at the end of Dec rather abruptly, and there were a lot of tears on both sides. We had made plans to start a business. Just like he had helped me with the weight loss, so I had helped him with sorting some things out in his life (of a more practical nature.) It was his choice to move here with me, as he wanted to be where I was. (I gave him alternatives which he refused.) That's where I guess I'm getting mixed signals. The reunion a month later (he was waiting for his passport) was also quite emotional and eventful, again for both of us. I still think there was more going on at the time than he wants to admit.

    Anyway, I appreciate your response. My appt with the shrink is Friday. We'll see what's in store after that...
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 12, 2010 10:30 PM GMT
    I can understand now why you were getting the mixed signals. Honestly if I had a guy like the one you described, I'd want to keep him. It may be hard to accept his assumed non-interest romantically but he sounds like a good person to have in your corner.

    Good luck Friday as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2010 11:06 PM GMT
    Only you can decide this, of course, but my vote would be for you to rid yourself of him so you can meet others. I think you need to spread your wings and get to know some of the male population. Date around - check out various kinds of guys - you'll be better for it!