Attracting closet cases and bicurious?

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    Jul 13, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    It seems I been attracting closet cases and bicurious dudes who are really aggressive in their pursuit of me but stop short of asking me out (outside of being friends) and or....yeah. Should I be frusterated by the cocktease...I do not push anything because I remember how hard it is/was to admit to a dude how you feel. Should I be my usual self and be more aggressive or continue to exercise restraint? Why would they choose me over other dudes? Just curious how gay men will answer this.

    They do things such as bunk with me when the couch is open...obnoxiously hit on me (SOBER) and often blow hot girls off to get my attention. They blow up my phone on a regular basis, telling me everything, Which I found out that I am the only one they do this to. Once I was introduced as " the cutest guy he knows" and then sitting on my lap for 3 hrs. ARRGH. BTW they usually got a girlfriend.
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Jul 13, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    agri_sci saidIt seems I been attracting closet cases and bicurious dudes who are really aggressive in their pursuit of me but stop short of asking me out (outside of being friends) and or....yeah. Should I be frusterated by the cocktease...I do not push anything because I remember how hard it is/was to admit to a dude how you feel. Should I be my usual self and be more aggressive or continue to exercise restraint? Why would they choose me over other dudes? Just curious how gay men will answer this.

    They do things such as bunk with me when the couch is open...obnoxiously hit on me (SOBER) and often blow hot girls off to get my attention. They blow up my phone on a regular basis, telling me everything, Which I found out that I am the only one they do this to. Once I was introduced as " the cutest guy he knows" and then sitting on my lap for 3 hrs. ARRGH.


    I say be careful with those types of guys, because if you do anything sexual with them they may freak out, and you will be in an awkward situation. I tend to attract a lot of guys like that as well, but I keep my distance because sometimes it can result in drama.
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    Jul 13, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    Why are they considered "Closet Cases and Bi curious"?
    If they are so "aggressive" (as you suggest), then what makes them a "Cock Tease" or some other term you've coined? icon_question.gif
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    Jul 13, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    Cambrosia saidWhy are they considered "Closet Cases and Bi curious"?
    If they are so "aggressive" (as you suggest), then what makes them a "Cock Tease" or some other term you've coined? icon_question.gif


    Because they usually have girlfriends and are not out. Read my description of their behaviour and thats why they make me feel teased!
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    Jul 13, 2010 2:35 AM GMT
    agri_sci said


    Because they usually have girlfriends and are not out. Read my description of their behaviour and thats why they make me feel teased!


    I read your description of their behavior (Twice in fact), and there were no mention of them having Girlfriends. I'd say an edit job is in order.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Jul 13, 2010 2:46 AM GMT
    I cannot offer any suggestions as to what to do what them, but I think the reason they're coming on to you is your demeanor. They've assessed, based on how you talk, what you talk about, and how you carry yourself that your social life has little to no interaction with other gay men. This affords them the luxury of flirting with you without news spreading that they like men.
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    Jul 13, 2010 2:47 AM GMT
    creature saidI cannot offer any suggestions as to what to do what them, but I think the reason they're coming on to you is your demeanor. They've assessed, based on how you talk, what you talk about, and how you carry yourself that your social life has little to no interaction with other gay men. This affords them the luxury of flirting with you without news spreading that they like men.


    I have been told this but somehow its not resonating ya know?
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Jul 13, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    Nice topic.

    I fucking hate when this happens to me. They tease but I don't think they'd go for it unless they are under the effect of alcohol.

    I say get them drunk and make a move if they are just your acquaintances.
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    Jul 13, 2010 5:42 AM GMT
    Be yourself at all times and be aggressive, if that is you....it is what it is...tell'em to "put up or shut up!"...Class is in session...NOW! they will all get the message clear as a bell and the serious ones will play the game and the others will take their "hag" and get lost!...either way...you win! Happy hunting!icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 13, 2010 5:47 AM GMT
    Dont waste your time.
    Tell them to put out or get out.
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    Jul 13, 2010 6:43 AM GMT
    GigoloAssassin saidDont waste your time.
    Tell them to put out or get out.



    you stole me line... naughty.
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    Jul 13, 2010 9:32 AM GMT
    This happened to me often in college. At first I was flattered and turned on that I could attract the "straight" guys, but after a while I realized that these guys flirting, fooling around, and fucking me were just bringing me into their closets and pushing me back out again.

    That said, flirting is one thing and acting on it is another. A few of these guys told me that I seemed "safe" to fool around with because I'm bi. I think that was meant as a compliment.

    The bottom line for me is: I'm not going to waste my time with guys who aren't secure enough in themselves to get what they want honestly. I have no interest in being someone's dirty little secret.
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    Jul 13, 2010 9:51 AM GMT
    Don't waste your time with "bi-curious" or closeted guys!! It's the worst experience. Either they're courageous enough to be out and proud, or they will just take you down with them. Not worth it!
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    Jul 13, 2010 10:01 AM GMT
    chogenki saidThis happened to me often in college. At first I was flattered and turned on that I could attract the "straight" guys, but after a while I realized that these guys flirting, fooling around, and fucking me were just bringing me into their closets and pushing me back out again.

    That said, flirting is one thing and acting on it is another. A few of these guys told me that I seemed "safe" to fool around with because I'm bi. I think that was meant as a compliment.

    The bottom line for me is: I'm not going to waste my time with guys who aren't secure enough in themselves to get what they want honestly. I have no interest in being someone's dirty little secret.


    I'm kicking myself for not accepting the advances of these guys during my college years.

    There were so many gorgeous closeted/curious guys who went out of their way to get me alone, but I always froze.
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    Jul 13, 2010 10:08 AM GMT
    Fuck'em all, and let their girlfriends sort'em out.
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    Jul 13, 2010 10:13 AM GMT
    If they are single, I wouldn't have problem But they are married or have girlfriends, forget about them.
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    Jul 13, 2010 10:18 AM GMT
    I would not call that an aggressive approach. These guys are passive aggressive at best.

    There is a reason for everything, People seek out others that can fit their needs.

    So, for instance, a friend of mine has fallen into relationships with married men, and it frustrated me for him to the point that I said to him, "you are obviously uncomfortable with who you are (he comes from a mormon family...nuff said) and he puts himself out there in a way that is non-committal and/ or unobtainable/ emotionally distant and that is attractive to them".

    If you are notcing a pattern it is likely that some form of that is he case.

    Assert yourself and just very openly say "I am not your fucking sex experiment, you spineless infidel." Or, a simple "whats in it for me?" or maybe even "I don't do experiements, maybe you should hire a giggilo?"

    Something along those lines to let them know that you are not just some tramp or the original good time had by all.

    Unless of course you are some tramp and the original good time to be had by all, then I would assume that you are getting precisely what you are asking for, no? icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 13, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    chogenki saidThis happened to me often in college. At first I was flattered and turned on that I could attract the "straight" guys, but after a while I realized that these guys flirting, fooling around, and fucking me were just bringing me into their closets and pushing me back out again.

    That said, flirting is one thing and acting on it is another. A few of these guys told me that I seemed "safe" to fool around with because I'm bi. I think that was meant as a compliment.

    The bottom line for me is: I'm not going to waste my time with guys who aren't secure enough in themselves to get what they want honestly. I have no interest in being someone's dirty little secret.


    I'll second this.

    I attracted a lot of closeted guys in college and it was fun at first because I thought, maybe they'll feel comfortable enough with me so that they'll come out and be more honest with themselves.

    I've had two closeted guys who had "girlfriends" who were really drawn to me. One had a bi girlfriend and a gay roommate. I slept over at his house, I'm sure that night was supposed to be more than a "sleepover" but nothing happened.

    Another was bi and we were practically dating for a semester. In fact, I think that I went on my first gay date with him. He was so sweet and cute though. At the end of the semester I told felt confident enough to tell him I'd like to get to know him better but the closet got in the way and all I got was a Facebook friend. I saw him next semester with someone who looked a lot like me.

    After that, I started to get fed up with closet cases because I'm at the point where I want a meaningful relationship with a gay or bi guy who is comfortable with themselves. I don't want to be someone's secret lover.

    Having said that, I kind of feel bad for guys like these who haven't accepted themselves and think others won't expect them because they're gay or bi. I've been there. Now I really don't care what people think of me and have found people will accept you if you accept them. Besides many can tell you're gay or bi. icon_wink.gif

    xuaerb saidI would not call that an aggressive approach. These guys are passive aggressive at best.

    There is a reason for everything, People seek out others that can fit their needs.


    Agreed. If your needs don't match then it's going to be frustrating for you. Find someone who won't play closet games with you agri_sci.
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    Jul 13, 2010 8:39 PM GMT
    Reading through all these, I decided to stay the course and continue to pursue only friendship and continue to blow off advances. If they want me so badly, they can grow a pair and ask.

    Thanks guys. I wondered if I was doing the right thing and you proved it!

    Its just hard because at the same time, emotionally they are very close to me.
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    Jul 13, 2010 8:52 PM GMT
    Another issue...I bond with these dudes because they can be my buddy where gay men I encounter seem to lack the ability to relate to me on that level. Gay men want to relate to me as gay rather as one of the guys. Further thoughts?
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    Jul 13, 2010 9:52 PM GMT
    agri_sci saidAnother issue...I bond with these dudes because they can be my buddy where gay men I encounter seem to lack the ability to relate to me on that level. Gay men want to relate to me as gay rather as one of the guys. Further thoughts?


    Being gay is only a part of who you are. Where are you finding these guys?

    I'm sure there are like minded guys who can relate to you in terms of your interest and hobbies. Find a sports club or some organization where there are other like minded guys and It doesn't have to be a gay club necessarily, just look outside of the bar/ club scene.

    Your chances of meeting a like minded, out guy increase with the number of people in an area. Chicago and Toronto are the closets major cities near you. It seems like half the people living on the North Side of Chicago are from Michigan.
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    Jul 13, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    Ehanson said
    agri_sci saidAnother issue...I bond with these dudes because they can be my buddy where gay men I encounter seem to lack the ability to relate to me on that level. Gay men want to relate to me as gay rather as one of the guys. Further thoughts?


    Being gay is only a part of who you are. Where are you finding these guys?

    I'm sure there are like minded guys who can relate to you in terms of your interest and hobbies. Find a sports club or some organization where there are other like minded guys and It doesn't have to be a gay club necessarily, just look outside of the bar/ club scene.

    You're chances of meeting a like minded, out guy increase with the number of people in an area. Chicago and Toronto are the closets major cities near you. It seems like half the people living on the North Side of Chicago are from Michigan.


    I plan on moving. My issue is that my vocation isnt exactly urban. I would live in suburbia at the most.

    I meet the guys I do in my daily life. All of my good friends with 2 exceptions are straight dudes.

    I do not participate in the gay community.

    I do look outside of the scene but I find that they are mostly older. Thoughts?
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 13, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    Look 'em straight in the eye and say:

    Sounds to me like you wanna play around. Do you or don't you?

    If you are not out and open, ask yourself the same question and live with the answer.
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    Jul 13, 2010 11:10 PM GMT
    LJay saidLook 'em straight in the eye and say:

    Sounds to me like you wanna play around. Do you or don't you?

    If you are not out and open, ask yourself the same question and live with the answer.


    I been openly gay for 10 years...its very well known around town I am. Its not as if they are unsure I am gay lol!
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    Jul 13, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    wait till it's married men...