I need help

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2008 1:43 AM GMT
    So I figure this is the wrong place to seek help, but nevertheless, it is a place to seek it.

    So, all I want is love. I want to be held. I want to be kissed. I want to just hold hands. I want to give my heart to someone and get their heart in return. I tried that whole “hook up” thing, but it was never fulfilling because I was not getting what I really, truly want. For me, love comes way before sex.
    But this is not my main issue, it is a bit of a precursor.
    My main issue is all my past relationships I suppose. (Now this is something I have not come to terms with or discussed until very recently.) Every single one of them has been abusive. I almost wish on many levels that I was physically or sexually abused. I feel I could have recovered from those much easier since those would be cells and tissue that would just take a few days, weeks, or months even. But no, I was emotionally and psychologically abused. I don’t want to delve into the details and all, but it was different with each guy. Even though I was able to get out of them, the effect of each has just built up and stuck with me like nothing else. In many was, it makes me feel like a worthless item that just gets passed around.
    Right now, there is a rainbow of problems bombarding me. I met a guy. We met cause I was feeling down and thought, “Hmm, lets try a hook up. It’s not like I am ever gonna have anything that means anything. Why the f**k not?” He’s 45 and I am 20 in 10 days. I made sure that it was NSA, blow and go. We met and blew each other in his car and then went our separate ways. Then we talked through e-mails. It was supposed to be NSA. Problem one. He wanted more. Then things got out of hand really fast as he was saying how he wished I was back in Flagstaff cause he wanted me. Then it got to the point where he wanted to rent a hotel room and us never leave it for a day. Problem two. I then said my friend needed me and I’d get back to him. I made up this entire story of how my best friend just came out and asked me out. He said he was happy for me. Then it got ugly and I have been getting well worded threats and apparently he is coming around campus a lot to a dorm right next to mine. This is just one of my problems.
    The only people that flirt with me are 30 and up. I have gotten flirts, romantic sayings, hit on, and have been come on to by these guys. The sad thing is that the average age is 50. I hate to sound rude or anything, but eew. My parents are 47. I want someone that is my age, not someone that could have played with my parents in kindergarten.
    When it comes to my age group, there are a number of things. Either they are already paired off in an “I love you and we are together forever” relationship, they are only looking for sex and NOTHING more, they treat me like I am not really gay, or an entire grocery list of things. I took a risk and told someone that I like him. He told me that I am not a “Fireman” type, but he is confused cause even though I am not his type, he likes me. Long story short, he felt like he would be leading me on, I didn’t have the heart to tell him his answer made me lose all romantic interest in him, and we have agreed to just be there for each other as friends. But still, all this s**t just makes me feel that I am forever destined to be that boy in the corner watching the floor as they slow dance.
    I went to a great party last night. I met this Cajun guy and he was great. We talked and he was full out flirting with me. Towards the end of the night, he took me in his arms and kissed my cheek a few times and then kissed me on the lips. I felt nothing. Part of it could be that he is (in his words) “Gay-ish” and can only have sex with a guy if there is a girl in the mix, but I don’t know what else it was. Maybe I have finally become dead inside?
    I have joined a Christian support group for people that have gone through abusive relationships. I don’t know how many of them know I am gay, but the ones that do (the pastor included) have all accepted me and welcomed me with smiles and kind words. I see great things coming from them and this group.
    I am just lingering on the thoughts of:
    I’m the one to watch the slow dances.
    I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, reaching out for someone who is not there.
    As much as I want to commit suicide just to end it and get it over with, I never could. I just see that as quitting and I don’t know how to quit. That and I don’t like sharp objects and blood.
    I just need to learn how to give myself to the wind.
    But the main thought going through my mind right now is this; if I have only had abusive relationships, why is it that I want to be in a relationship with all my heart and soul?
    So, I suppose that in so many words, I am looking for some words of encouragement, advice, anecdotes, words of wisdom, or some personal experiences. I just need some help to get me through this.
    I am off to dinner and then I am off to see a show that is going on tour. I’ll be among friends and loving every minute of it. Ticket for one?
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    Feb 10, 2008 1:55 AM GMT
    I am sure there will be others to chime in with a lot more to say - but it's pretty clear you're nowhere close to being ready for a relationship. Stay single for a long time, look into good therapy and realize no one is capable of fulfillng your needs other than you.
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    Feb 10, 2008 4:23 AM GMT
    Get a dog. LOL.

    Seriously, you can't force love. When it happens, it's magic.
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    Feb 10, 2008 4:45 AM GMT
    Tigger,

    Your issues seem to me to be way deeper than just needing someone to love. I strongly urge you to contact a school counselor, or a private one if you can afford it. Even discussing suicide, even to reject the idea, is a very disturbing sign. Get help now. Today. This minute. Go. I'm serious.
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    Feb 10, 2008 4:47 AM GMT
    There are several other threads that go along these lines where people assume they are the only ones that are interested in something more than a purely physical and temporary stint with someone. Obviously by those several people posting about it, then clearly you are not alone in that regard.

    Now from reading what you wrote, it seems to me that you're coming across a bit too desperate in finding your true mate. I know that age should not be that important of a factor in determining this, but if the age difference exceeds 20, then that raises some concern as to the relationship being a truly meaningful and lasting one (not that it can't happen).

    TiggerHeightThe only people that flirt with me are 30 and up.

    TiggerHeightI want someone that is my age, not someone that could have played with my parents in kindergarten.

    If that is the case, then where are you looking? At bars/clubs? Well therein lies the answer. Most people who goto bars (but not all) probably aren't there to find their future soulmate. You can still go there if you wish, but know that the odds are against you in your search. However your perseverence will eventually reward you so don't give up.

    And don't settle for someone if you clearly know it will not work out. It is fine to overlook a few minor shortfalls, but be careful where this will lead you. Do not blindly ignore the warning signs in the hopes that the guy will somehow miraculously change once he is with you. You'll have to use your discretion carefully in this.

    I hope the support group you joined helps you out in dealing with some of these things. You've made a good decision in seeking out the company of others. You've gone through a lot from what you have wrote, and your self-esteem has been given a beating. But know that by posting here and meeting other people who have gone through similar experiences, you have made a good earnest initiative towards rebuilding yourself. Eventually I hope you will realize that putting down yourself leads to nothing but further misery. Go out and find something to do, like join a club or volunteer someplace. You are still young and have plenty of time to find that person of yours.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Feb 10, 2008 5:52 AM GMT
    My question is through out your life, how have you perceived yourself? Have you always looked down on yourself? or were you secure in who you are? I'm asking before the gay discovery came into your life.

    Could it be that the reason you end up in an abusive relationship is that some part of you is drawn to that to try and validate your own disapproval of yourself?

    What's the old saying? You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.

    I would suggest talking to the pastor on a one to one basis if you feel comfortable doing so.

    Love will come along. You're only 20. If you take care of your self you'll have plenty of time for love.

    I had to learn some things the hard way in my 20's also. But the key is to LEARN FROM THEM AND NOT TO REPEAT THE SAME PATTERN OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

    Good luck to you and please get some help!!

    Stay with the living and enjoy your life!!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 10, 2008 2:34 PM GMT
    My man...
    life isn't finding someone and being happy ever after

    you have to find what YOU LIKE in life
    forget about the men and relationships for now
    you're 20?
    you have a lifetime to find someone
    do what you like to do
    if it's shows....see as many as you can
    act in them if you want set the scenery

    if you like sitting in the park in the afternoon...DO IT

    stay away from this negative path and thinking
    if can't change the way you see these things and you need someone to help you and talk to you
    see a therapist but don't stay in this mindset any longer
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Feb 10, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    Until you love and respect yourself, you can't really expect someone else to love and respect you either. This comes with age and maturity. You don't find love, love finds you. That said, focus on yourself and being the best you can be, and just let the rest fall into place when the timing is right. When you finally get to the place where you don't need anyone to validate you or make you happy then you will be truly empowered. There is always something more attractive about a guy who doesn't NEED you.
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    Feb 10, 2008 6:28 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ saidUntil you love and respect yourself, you can't really expect someone else to love and respect you either. This comes with age and maturity. You don't find love, love finds you. That said, focus on yourself and being the best you can be, and just let the rest fall into place when the timing is right. When you finally get to the place where you don't need anyone to validate you or make you happy then you will be truly empowered. There is always something more attractive about a guy who doesn't NEED you.


    Well Said!!!!!!


    20 years old c'mon i did not know what i wanted at that age? i enjoyed all the moments though and the tricks!

    Stop and look at yourself and learn to love yourself then others will love you..

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    Feb 10, 2008 7:22 PM GMT
    The saying goes....and I tell pictureless, not out, discreet, married, cheaters, and basically dishonest folks this nearly every day:

    Be honest, and true, and come to like yourself, and the rest will follow.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2008 7:47 PM GMT
    Disney guy! I haven't seen you in forever.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 10, 2008 7:48 PM GMT
    "rainbow of problems"

    Please don't use the word rainbow and problems in the same sentence.
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    Feb 11, 2008 1:16 AM GMT
    OMG! You sound like a total downer. You do know why flowers have such luxurious petals? If you are walking around with all this gook inside you, what kind of fragrance from the flowers in your garden?

    PEE-UUUU, I can smell the stench from here! Now wonder you are attracting yellow bellys instead of yellow jackets. My advice is and will always be: be what you want to attract. I was just saying this the other day: I attract great guys. Because, I AM a great guy. Dirt bags, cower before me. They become like scared rats.

    It's because they can feel a positive energy that counteracts with their negative energy.It makes them sick. Remember, positivity is a force that radiates from an individual and fills the room. It draws people in. In your case it would be drawing in gay men, which gives you what, more variety.

    Negativity is the same way except it only attracts itself. As long as you carry yourself the way you do: discouraged, sad, and forlorn this is what you will get.
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    Feb 11, 2008 6:25 PM GMT
    I am very happy with my friends, I am happy with my theatre and psychology departments (even though they SUCK!!), I am happy and grateful for MOST of my family. But I can’t spend every waking moment with them to forget my past.
    What I am seeking help for is the fact that I was abused in every relationship that I have been in. That is what is taking its toll on me. That is what is eating at me. That is what is tearing at my image of self worth and value. That is what I came here to seek out help for.

    relokou, that is the thing. I don’t go to bars and all the clubs around here are not really worth going to. I meet guys by just going to classes, going to the theatre, going out to eat, through friends, and basically just by living my life. There are even ones that come across my FaceBook or just seem to have this radar and seek me out.
    drakutis, I was secretly down on myself when I was a closet case. When I finally came out, it was like I was in this whole new world full of bigger and better things and I finally felt free. With every guy that I got into a relationship with, I thought was a great guy and would treat me right. Then slowly and steadily, I realized just how wrong that was and what was happening. That is why I actually have at least never been dumped by a guy, I ended the “relationships” before any damage was or could be done . . . or so I thought.
    Alexander89, how have you been? It’s been a long while. I am sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. But hey, you look really good and I like the new look.

    But the main reason I wrote this note and the main thing I need help on is this:
    How do I heal my wounds? How do I get that confidence in myself back? How do I save my heart from its tomb of ice?
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    Feb 11, 2008 8:00 PM GMT
    How do I save my heart from its tomb of ice?!!

    First of all, cut the dramatics, sister. Your heart is an organ that pumps blood throughout your body. If it was frozen, or black, or not there....you'd be dead!

    You'll start to heal when you realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Are you aware that the body gives the mind what it wants? It means that if you keep telling your body...i'm bad, i'm no good, i'm frozen that you're body is going to mimic these disfunctional messages in your head.

    These wounds you speak of, they aren't tangible are they? They are just in your head; believe me,I don't discredit their ability to hurt you. I was also the victim of serious mental and physical abuse at the hands of my mother, brother, and stepfather. Either one of them alone could make any of your exes look like cherubs.

    If I sat down and tried to fully heal from the damage they did to me, i'd never get up from that spot. Psychological wounds like that you CAN NOT will into remission.

    If your mind was that strong, you'd never have gotten hurt in the first place. The only thing that can start to heal those wounds is time. The catch is you can't monitor it. Can you do that with a cut on your skin...just watch it until it heals? No, you go on about your business and after a while, the cut is all better. You need to do the same with these mind wounds. Stop focusing on them.

    And, lay off the guys. You need some time alone with the one guy that you've been neglecting the most, yourself. Give yourself what you think you should be getting from some guy. Only then will you truly know how you want to be treated. Right now, you are focusing on how you think you should be treated. Who decided what the fair treatment of gay men is?? Exactly, stereotypes and assumptions lead so many gay men astray. You should use how you treat yourself as a template for how you want to be treated and how do you treat yourself: with respect, with boundaries, and realistically. You don't literally or figuratively "buy yourself roses" everyday?

    Exactly, so when the guys from your past started pouring it on way too thick, you now know they were just trying to cover something up!
    Good guys treat you like a person, not a prize to be won or a possession to be kept. LOL, this is getting into a new thread topic. Write it and I will come.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2008 6:01 AM GMT
    *hugs GuiltyGear* icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 12, 2008 6:31 AM GMT
    I agree with CuriousJockAZ. If one does not love and value oneself...how can anyone else truly value and love you.

    There was a book that I read after I left an abusive relationship...that I found insightful. I loaned it out to a friend and so I do not remember the author or exact title "Finding the Boyfriend Within".

    Here are a few other insightful and at times humorous books:

    Reclaiming Your Life: The Gay Man's Guide to Love, Self-Acceptance and Trust by Rik Isensee

    Love Between Men: Enhancing intimacy and keeping your relationship alive by Rik Isensee

    My Guy: A Gay Man's Guide to a Lasting Relationship by Martin Kantor, M.D.

    From past experience, I found that it is healthier to be single and alone than being in a relationship and being lonely.

    Best wishesicon_smile.gif