So... you're not okay with it?

  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Jul 13, 2010 7:14 AM GMT
    So I'm back in Germany for the summer visiting my parents my mom knows I'm gay and I am planning on telling me dad now that he is back from Iraq. We (my parents, my sister, and I) were in the car on our way to lunch and I was going to tell my dad in the car as I was driving but we got on another topic so I said I'll do it while we eat. So we order some Doner kabaps and I was about to tell him when he stands up and says "son sit here so you can look at the girls pass by" and I got so pissed b/c I know he knows but he still tries to get me to check out girls. I say "no dad I'm okay I'm eating and I'm not getting up" we finish eating and on the way back my mom get on the topic of some soldiers that got kicked out of the army for raping another soldier and she was talking mad shit about them being gay. my mom knows I'm gay I even tell her about some of my hookups. I felt so hurt that she was using such hateful and derogatory language towards gays and bisexuals. The conversation then moved on to a cousin of my moms that is a hairdresser and he is bi and left a family behind b/c he was gay and wanted to live his life the right way; my dad said "what kind of man would start a family and just abandon them to be gay" and I really almost lost it and I almost said "well dad why the fuck do you think I have never dated a girl" but I decided to bit my tongue. I dropped my parents off at work and I go back downtown Ansbach with sister and I was just thinking of the whole conversation and I was thinking of when I came out to my mom. I guess she wasn't as cool with it as she let off. And as I was thinking of all this I get into a car accident and fuck up my mom's car. icon_confused.gif please don't reply you don't have to I just wanted to get this off of my chest.
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    Jul 13, 2010 11:32 AM GMT
    The hardest thing in life you can do is diss your family. But when you really think about it, they're the ones dissing you.
    I've lost count of how many men I've pissed off because they start talking shit like "if my son were gay..." Even if I've never met them and just overhearing their conversation, I'll butt in and tell them what I think about their bigoted bullshit. Almost got in a few fights over it, but I'm more than willing to take an ass whoopin if needed just to shut them up. Normally I'm nice, but I'm also very defensive of my sexuality, and will put a person in the hospital to prove a point.
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    Jul 13, 2010 11:40 AM GMT
    I think the best way to tell your parents (and believe me most of them suspect or know already) is to do it with YOU in control. It should be one on one in a private place with no distractions. Driving in the car, a busy restaurant, are probably not the best places to start a life altering conversation.

    Remember this please. (This comes from a 59 year old gay man, formerly married to a woman) You have known this about you for a long time, they haven't. Your parents may be unprepared to think about your feelings when they are confronted with it. They may or may not respond the way you want them to. That's OK. You have to give them time.

    I want to tell you that everything will be right eventually, but there are no guarantees. The only thing that is for sure after you tell them is that you can finally live YOUR life honestly. And that as they say .....priceless
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    Jul 13, 2010 11:43 AM GMT
    If your just back visiting try to enjoy the family and forget about telling your dad. He probably already knows but is trying very hard not to admit it (like your mom). It will do no good and just upset everyone. People are people, all are different. Some accept, others don't and it's how they were raised themselves and taught what to believe for years and years.
    Enjoy the visit then get the hell out. Family is family, their great but a pain sometimes...that's just the way it is. (Venting is good!!)
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jul 13, 2010 11:48 AM GMT
    That sounds exhausting. I can't imagine how things would have been for me a couple years ago if my parents hadn't taken it well. Sorry you have to go through that.

    But they're still your parents. Your mom doesn't really have an excuse, but you can't be mad at your dad if you haven't told him yet, he doesn't know any better (for sure). He's just being himself, which happens to be a little hateful. But probably not forever. We're the best opportunity to change the bigoted views of the people we care about.

    I wish you all the best with your family.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jul 13, 2010 12:02 PM GMT
    Here is a thought, she may just not know that what she is saying is offensive. I had to explain to my mom that it wasn't a choice. She just didn't know. If they have never heard otherwise, they my just be unaware that what they are saying is wrong. Meanwhile she thinks that by bringing up the topic that she is demonstrating that she is following the news on the subject. I've had to correct plenty of people, most of whom were never aware what they were saying was wrong. That goes for both the Jewish, Gay and Disability communities all of which I have a stake in to one degree or another.

    Also a quiet place, preferably at home is the best place for such discussions where you are free from distractions (driving) and not in a public setting (lunch).

    PS. While I am on the topic, "That's Retarded" is just as offensive a statement as "That's Gay".
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 13, 2010 12:12 PM GMT
    Rolando, thanks for sharing your story with your parents. I'm sure it's hard, you are just going to have to be very patient and make sure to communicate what you feel is important. That means staying calm, even if your Dad gets all emotional.
    I am a little surprised that your Dad said what he did..... I'm wondering if he really doesn't want to hear what you want to tell him.

    Regardless, you want to convey to them who you are, whats important to you and
    where you want your life to go. I'd make sure to include the fact you plan to live your life in a reponsible manner (meaning forget the numerous hookups you mentioned in another thread). Your parent's will certainly be impressed if you have your act together and know what you want, professionally and personally.

    If things don't go well and your Dad comes down on you after you make your disclosure, I'd refrain from any emotional yelling. Tell him you've said what you needed...... maybe he'll be more open later.
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    Jul 13, 2010 12:35 PM GMT
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidSo I'm back in Germany for the summer visiting my parents my mom knows I'm gay and I am planning on telling me dad now that he is back from Iraq. We (my parents, my sister, and I) were in the car on our way to lunch and I was going to tell my dad in the car as I was driving but we got on another topic so I said I'll do it while we eat. So we order some Doner kabaps and I was about to tell him when he stands up and says "son sit here so you can look at the girls pass by" and I got so pissed b/c I know he knows but he still tries to get me to check out girls. I say "no dad I'm okay I'm eating and I'm not getting up" we finish eating and on the way back my mom get on the topic of some soldiers that got kicked out of the army for raping another soldier and she was talking mad shit about them being gay. my mom knows I'm gay I even tell her about some of my hookups. I felt so hurt that she was using such hateful and derogatory language towards gays and bisexuals. The conversation then moved on to a cousin of my moms that is a hairdresser and he is bi and left a family behind b/c he was gay and wanted to live his life the right way; my dad said "what kind of man would start a family and just abandon them to be gay" and I really almost lost it and I almost said "well dad why the fuck do you think I have never dated a girl" but I decided to bit my tongue. I dropped my parents off at work and I go back downtown Ansbach with sister and I was just thinking of the whole conversation and I was thinking of when I came out to my mom. I guess she wasn't as cool with it as she let off. And as I was thinking of all this I get into a car accident and fuck up my mom's car. icon_confused.gif please don't reply you don't have to I just wanted to get this off of my chest.



    Honestly, I'm not going to tell you what to do. But at some point you're going to set yourself a side and have an indepth look at who you are. It may be soon it maybe near the end of your life. When that happens you're going to take a look at all the things you thought were important in your life. Including telling your parents whom you really are. You're going to see it as trivial. You're going to see it as "I really wanted just to feel accepted by the people whom love me the most". If they don't... (Not saying they won't) You're eventually going to say "I don't fricken care" And you're going to live your life anyway. If they do care, you're going to say something on the lines of "God that was awesome". And live your life how you want to anyway...

    What i'm trying to say is, you're going to get to a point where you say "Why do i give a crap what they think?" Eventually, and when that happens you're going to be a lot happier..

    Sorry about the accident, but you did have a lot on your mind. If you were steaming still and going over the whole day in your mind that would cause a distraction.

    You seem like a good guy. Don't care about what other people think of you. You don't need their acceptance for you to live a normal happy life. I've been there, i know what it's like. My father and brother still do not know and i couldn't care any less. They're not anything or anyone that defines me and i don't need them in my life if all they're going to do is be bigoted and tell me to look out for girls, or in my case "When are you going to settle down with a nice arab woman?" etc..
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    Jul 13, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    Sorry bro, dealing with parents in general is difficult for some and others it's a cakewalk.

    Maybe you can try to convince them their thinking is flawed or wash your hand of the issue and refuse to bring the discussion back up in order to keep the peace.

    Hope everything is working out from the accident.
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    Jul 13, 2010 1:07 PM GMT
    Why not tell them nearer the end of your stay this time?. if it goes all fucked up then you only have a few days left... You don´t want to be living with tension for the next month or whatever. They won´t create opportunities for you to say it, you have to just force them to listen.

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    Jul 13, 2010 1:20 PM GMT
    My life took a decidedly better turn when I divorced my entire family.

    After the years of "we love you but dont care for your 'choice'", two years ago I said, "you all (family) get to make the ONLY 'choice' here.
    Your bible and your ignorance or me".
    Guess which 'choice' they made, and guess which 'choice' I made!

    Life has been bliss ever since!
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    Jul 13, 2010 1:48 PM GMT
    It sounds like they are in denial. Right now they are probably trying to rationalize that you are "just going through a phase" etc. Denial is a really immature defense mechanism.... So they have to do crazy shit like make all these bad examples of gays, in order to try and push you back into the closet, and tell you to sit and look at girls when they know in the back of their mind that you dont even like girls. Their discomfort is obvious with their actions....

    Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is fairly common, and as horrible as it is.... you do have some control! But you have to take control and show them that you aren't going to put up with them talking like that. Sometimes, showing them that you do know what you want, that it isnt just some phase, and your willingness to stand up to their crap (in a civil way), will sort of put them in their place and they will back off.

    I suggest that you come out to them, and sit them both down at the same time, and talk about their issues. I think the most important thing when doing this is to try not to get furious and lose your cool, no matter what kinds of STUPID shit they say. This may ignite their own emotions and it could get ugly. I have a friend who came out and the first thing his mom said was, "what?? What do you want, you wanna get AIDS???" And he was like... WTF. People are sooo misinformed, its insane. You gotta roll with the punches though and just power though the conversation as best you can. Try to be honest, and open with them. I suggest using a lot of rhetorical questions to re-frame what they say.

    things like,

    "So.... did you guys have to think about being attracted to the opposite sex?" (they will likely say, NO of course not) this is when you say, "Right. Well I did have to force it, and with guys its not forced. That's how I know i'm gay and this isnt a phase"

    other shit they say: "So, you think that all gay people are like XYZ?" "that's odd, i dont know any / very many at all who are like that...."

    Just use their comments to re-frame, to make them THINK. It is not going to be easy.... but in my opinion its the one of the only ways to get people to use their brains. I think that you should tell them your feelings firmly, but not angrily. Show them.

    Everything will be ok icon_smile.gif

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    Jul 13, 2010 1:56 PM GMT
    xo
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    Jul 13, 2010 1:59 PM GMT
    Don't tell your dad. To hell with it. Just live your life. If they ask later why you didn't say anything, tell cuz they were so hateful on the topic and say no more.

    Oh and if you need an understanding daddy in the meantime, I'll be your daddy. ... icon_wink.gif ... icon_lol.gif
  • SFNavigator

    Posts: 62

    Jul 13, 2010 2:21 PM GMT
    Your parents know your gay, but don't want it confirmed. They are not ready to receive that information yet. They are still in that mind set of, What was it I did, what was it I said, or didn't do that caused him to be this way. It like all these married men who are cheating around on their wives and don't realize that, THEY KNOW! They just don't know what to do about it.
    My parents knew I was gay but we had an unspoken agreement not to talk about it. I would have if they would have approached the subject, but their comfort level didn't allow for that, and as much as I wanted to tell them, I respected their decision not to discuss it with me.
    I was also smart enough to know that we came from different generations with different ideas, thoughts, acceptance levels, and understanding and knowledge and theirs was so different than mine.
    You told your mother, and it sounds like she listened, but didn't hear it.
    Just accept that your parents know, and live your life with that knowledge.
    Its obvious your parents love you and you them, don't screw it up with something you know they don't want to hear yet-if ever.
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    Jul 13, 2010 2:25 PM GMT
    SFNavigator saidYour parents know your gay, but don't want it confirmed. They are not ready to receive that information yet. They are still in that mind set of, What was it I did, what was it I said, or didn't do that caused him to be this way. It like all these married men who are cheating around on their wives and don't realize that, THEY KNOW! They just don't know what to do about it.
    My parents knew I was gay but we had an unspoken agreement not to talk about it. I would have if they would have approached the subject, but their comfort level didn't allow for that, and as much as I wanted to tell them, I respected their decision not to discuss it with me.
    I was also smart enough to know that we came from different generations with different ideas, thoughts, acceptance levels, and understanding and knowledge and theirs was so different than mine.
    You told your mother, and it sounds like she listened, but didn't hear it.
    Just accept that your parents know, and live your life with that knowledge.
    Its obvious your parents love you and you them, don't screw it up with something you know they don't want to hear yet-if ever.


    this ^^ is very good advice.
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    Jul 13, 2010 3:26 PM GMT
    I guess I've never understood the "coming out" thing. "Straight" people do not need to announce to the world what their sexual preference so why do we. Define and live your own life. Make no excuses or apologies. You owe no one an explanation of why you don't date women anymore than you owe them an explanation of why you don't keep aligators in your bath tub. When asked by others I look them staight in the eye and tell them "unless I'm trying to get in your pants it's none of your business." This usually stops the questioning, especially if it's a relative.

    Stop trying to please others or seek their approval. Be comfortable in your own skin.

    I like not being "out" to most people. I usually get insight into who they really are when it comes to their attitudes about those who are different from themselves. Some of the "nicest" people are the most bigoted - straight or gay.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Jul 13, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all of your input and comments
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    Jul 13, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidThanks guys for all of your input and comments
    You're welcome. And you're a big boy. You'll be just fine. <3 icon_biggrin.gif
    PS. Does your phone work there in Germany?
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Jul 13, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidThanks guys for all of your input and comments
    You're welcome. And you're a big boy. You'll be just fine. <3 icon_biggrin.gif
    PS. Does your phone work there in Germany?



    haha yes it does icon_razz.gif and thank you very much for all your support paul icon_smile.gif
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jul 14, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    SFNavigator saidYour parents know your gay, but don't want it confirmed. They are not ready to receive that information yet. They are still in that mind set of, What was it I did, what was it I said, or didn't do that caused him to be this way. It like all these married men who are cheating around on their wives and don't realize that, THEY KNOW! They just don't know what to do about it.
    My parents knew I was gay but we had an unspoken agreement not to talk about it. I would have if they would have approached the subject, but their comfort level didn't allow for that, and as much as I wanted to tell them, I respected their decision not to discuss it with me.
    I was also smart enough to know that we came from different generations with different ideas, thoughts, acceptance levels, and understanding and knowledge and theirs was so different than mine.
    You told your mother, and it sounds like she listened, but didn't hear it.
    Just accept that your parents know, and live your life with that knowledge.
    Its obvious your parents love you and you them, don't screw it up with something you know they don't want to hear yet-if ever.


    this was my situation exactly, and it worked just fine. openly telling them would have caused problems that i didn't want. my mom never asked me about girls, she would even tell my dad i didn't need a woman if he brought it up. it's your life, you have to decide what's the best way for you to live it. good luck.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 14, 2010 12:26 AM GMT
    Please don't try to have a conversation with your dad about this while he is driving or in a public place. It is only fair to give him a stable situation to deal with the news. Whether you think he knows or not, that is a far from simple talk to have.

    As for your mom, she may be as uncomfortable about him knowing as you are.
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    Jul 14, 2010 12:30 AM GMT
    If you are unsure about their reaction, it is better not to tell your parents while you are still dependent on them.

    Once you are older and independent, it is a different story.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Jul 14, 2010 12:39 AM GMT
    Well SpaceCowboy, your still very young , is it possible to wait till your self sufficiant and no longer require finacial support from your family before you tell them the good news...I'v known some friends who have revealed themselves only to be cutt off and thrown out...
    I'm not sure what your situation is but have a plan B ....GOOD LUCK.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 14, 2010 12:43 AM GMT
    Okay Space .... this is going to be a dose of reality here
    I know everybody says that just come out and everything will be alright
    That's true for the long run but there might be a lot of shit that goes down in the meantime
    You're what just 20?
    You're still living under your parents influence
    For now you're not going to be able to change your parent's minds
    But they will have to accept it
    Dan Savage once gave the best advice concerning homophobic parents
    He said .... when you come out to your parents tell them I'm going to give you a year
    And during that year I'll do all the good family things and you can offer advice if you want and I might listen or not
    but after that year it's your choice .... you must accept me as I am
    My partner if I have one
    and my friends
    or I will not be part of your life
    You make it their choice ... not yours