Getting over an old relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2007 2:17 AM GMT
    Guys,

    I'm almost two years out of a 15+ year relationship, and I'm starting to feel like I am ready to move on to dating. My thinking is much more in the "me" mode than "I'm not with him anymore" mode, which has taken a long time and a lot of support from my friends.

    I'm wondering what were the signs for you that you were ready to try again. I know that there are a lot of guys on this forum that have been in LTR and bounced back, and I'm wondering how some of you knew that it was right.

    For me, I was just at a fireworks for my town's 200th anniversary, which I could walk to from my house. While I was there, I started to think "I wish I had someone to experience this with", but my mind just kind of said "You're okay to be here by yourself."

    Anyone else ever had something like that happen?

    Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2007 10:50 PM GMT
    I don't know if you will ever feel ready but I know after two years the other guy is not coming back into your life.

    Be your best and work on self, when the right person comes along you will know it, If it feels right then you are ready.
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    Jun 03, 2007 3:33 AM GMT
    RK,

    Thanks for the post. As I was the one who ended the relationship, I'm not looking for that relationship to come back (or at least not come back in that way.) I have been working on myself, both physically and mentally, and I guess I was wondering what others have noticed when they realized they were ready for a relationship again.
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    Jun 03, 2007 3:49 AM GMT
    my best friend is kinda in your spot. He can't tell if he is ready, but I can.......so will your date. If you can go on dates and not think/talk about your ex you have taken that big leap to getting ready for the next relationship
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 03, 2007 7:24 AM GMT
    Just a dumb thought, but I saw a movie with Sandra Bullock (I think) and it said you r ready to have a relationship if you get a Pet and a Plant and they r both alive in a year then u r ready....
  • Kharlo109

    Posts: 164

    Jun 03, 2007 3:19 PM GMT
    Ha, ha! The pet/plant scenario is cute :).
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    Jun 03, 2007 10:18 PM GMT
    Adam,

    That's the problem, I'm not sure myself, but obviously other people can. I did try dating soon after the breakup, and I could tell that I wasn't really giving of the right vibes. I've been talking about me and what I'm doing, and not mentioning my ex (who's in another state now.)

    Mike, The pet's still alive after 9 months, and the plants are doing okay. ;-)

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    Jun 06, 2007 11:50 PM GMT
    You know when you're ready. If you're not sure then you clearly aren't.

    This is going to be a little bit long, but...

    The first love of my life was straight as pitiful as that sounds. So I wasn't even in a relationship, instead we were really close friends and he knew. So things were always awkward. As time went by I finally distanced myself from him because it wasn't healthy. I was tired of the distance and lack of emotion completely ignoring the fact that he was my friend and not some lover.

    So summer went by and I didn't like him anymore. I didn't even notice him. And then he walked into a function in jeans and blue bandanna and my heart skipped a beat. Clearly I wasn't over him, but I told myself I was. But suddenly I was obsessed again and then awkwardness came again and then I distanced myself again.

    until finally 2 years later and half I decided to call him. I hadn't spoken to him in almost a year and everything I once loved about him kind of annoyed me. His mysteriousness just came off as him being bland and not knowing what to say at the right time. His optimism became a repetitive phrase he liked to use over and over again. It was the worst phone conversation I had ever had in my life and it occurred to me that I only had these types of conversations with him. And then I didn't understand why I ever liked him to begin with.

    And so I suddenly started crying, my friends were so confused because they didn't understand why, and really I didn't either. I think I cried because I realized how stupid I had been and because something that had taken up so much of myself no longer could. It just didn't apply any more. when the tears were gone I just knew I didn't love him anymore. I couldn't ever possibly think of him that way again. I'm not fooling myself into thinking it either, a part of me will always worry about his well being, but that love is gone. And now I can share it with someone else 100 percent. The way love was intended to be.

    When you're ready to move on you will know so purely within your heart that you won't have to question it. Whether you break down one day, or just wake up and say I wanna ask someone out. You won't be confused. If you are, take some more time to deal with whatever it is thats holding you back.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 09, 2007 1:07 AM GMT
    It took me about two years to get over my ex. We were together for about six. It was a very slow, long and sometimes painful process, I felt stronger and wiser after I came though it all. I definatly don't look at relationships the same way I did before the breakup. I realize that most things in life have a life span, which includes relationships. I have a great guy now, I don't know how long it will last, I do know that I will enjoy and appreciate my relationship while I'm in it. As far as being over your ex, your gut will tell when your ok. Trust yourself matt.

    Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2007 2:27 PM GMT
    You know you're ready when you start viewing the good times and look forward to new ones with other people. It's that simple. You'll know.
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    Jun 13, 2007 12:46 PM GMT
    Just to add my own 2 cents here...
    In my case I am also going to be hitting the 2 year mark after breaking up with my ex. We were together for 6 years and since I have only been out for about 10, that has been a big chunk of my new life. We actually started drifting apart about 4 years into it so by the time the 6th year came and we split, we were already over each other pretty much.
    Anyway, deep down in side I know I am ready and do really want to be in another relationship, but there is something holding me back....for some reason I cant stop looking ahead. When I meet someone for the first time I think about how things might be 6 years from now and dont give the guy a chance now. I know that is not the thing to do, but it's always there. I will be 42 later this year and think that I dont want to waste another 6 years of my life at this point.
    Not sure if this is something you are having a hard time with as far as moving on, but this is certainly where I am with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 13, 2007 1:51 PM GMT
    I know exactly what your asking. I ended a 22LTR last June. There have been times that I thought I was over it & ready. Then I realize how stupid I was being in thinking that. 15 years or 22 years is a long, long time to be with someone & will never completely go away. Hopefully you don't want that time to completely leave you. There must have been plenty of good times or you wouldn't have stayed in the relationship. I certainly hope that was the case anyway! My point being...don't go looking. Focus on getting to know yourself again. Yeah go on dates! Being single again after 22 years,(I met him when I was 19 & he was 23) there has been a lot for me to learn! LOL Just protect your heart & be safe. When the right one comes along, hell or high water can't stop it so enjoy getting to know yourself again & the education being single in the 2000's you are going to get. For me...I think I'll be ready when all my anger is gone. The best I can hope for is to be "civil" towards him. Afterall I am a Scorpio!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jun 16, 2007 11:47 PM GMT
    Oh I agree...there's definitely a lag time when you can't or shouldn't be dating after a breakup
    and the time spent after without dating will depend on the time you guys were together and the breakup itself
    ...you'll know when it ok to start dating again ..trust yourself and listen to your feelings
    don't listen to other people
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    Jul 04, 2007 4:43 PM GMT
    Taltos, thanks especially for your response (although I appreciate the others too) as you're obviously traveling the same path I am.

    Just got back from a three week vacation to Sweden and Iceland (I was doing the 'finding my roots' thing) and was traveling alone. At times, I was getting bummed as I didn't have anyone with me, but kind of slapped myself and said "Hey, you don't need anyone else to make you happy." I sometimes remembered that, and sometimes didn't, but I think I'm getting better. Yes, I've got a lot to learn in the new millenium dating scene, and of course I'm going to screw up a bunch, but I just have to realize that.
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2589

    Jul 04, 2007 5:41 PM GMT
    Breaking up with a guy can be like a bereavement,so you`ve got to give yourself lots of time to adjust.Everyone has their own timetable to achieve this.For me,it came when my flat starting looking rather big and empty again.The evenings were a lonely time,too.
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    Jul 13, 2007 3:19 PM GMT
    WOW! inspiring to hear that 15 - 22 yr gay relationships exist. it makes my 6wk breakup seem trivial. best of luck to you in healing your broken heart;)
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    Jul 16, 2007 7:02 AM GMT
    Matt, it took me some time to get past my ex as well but it wasn't because I wasn't over him... it was because I felt guilty for breaking up with him. We weren't really friends before we started dating and for some reason, got along really well after a couple months. (I didn't want to get back into a relationship with him though.)

    That may not resemble your situation in any way -- good luck to you though! :)