Curiouser and Curiouser

  • Thomas757

    Posts: 260

    Jul 16, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    So we're roommates/best friends/fuck buddies. We share a two bedroom apartment, and sleep in the same bed. We go out to dinner and the movies regularly. We go out of town together, unless work prevents it. It looks more and more to our mutual friends like we are 'partners' and I have a hard time denying that. In all honesty the only thing I'm aware of that keeps our relationship from being defined as boyfriends/partners is his adamant stance that he doesn't feel that for me and my acceptance of it. Although he did at one time tell me that he only doesn't feel that way for me because of getting hurt in the past. This leaves me wondering if I've somehow become complacent instead of content, and if I'm really set up for a major disappointment.
    I don't know if I'm really okay, confused, or just tired of always being the 'rebound' and back-up boyfriend so i'm using him to make that stop.
    Anyways, I'm on my third or fourth glass of merlot and can't stop thinking about this {what I find to be} odd situation I've allowed myself to be in.
    Feel free to throw your two cents in.
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    Jul 16, 2010 5:04 AM GMT
    you sleep in the same bed? Sounds like partners to me.


    Gay relationships don't have the luxury of fitting into age old social conventions, but that doesn't mean they aren't relationships.
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    Jul 16, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    Does it have to be labeled as something??? I mean I understand your frustration at not being clear as to where you stand but if its working well, and if you feel that the situation is benefiting your life and making it better, then enjoy whatever it is and let it develop naturally. If you force it, then you might risk losing out. That being said, from my point of view as someone from the outside looking in through whatever peep hole you've provided, it seems that you're sort if in a "relationship" where if all else fails, you at least have each other, but it's only supposed to last until one of you finds someone better...kinda like a "place holder" relationship that comes out of convenience more than anything else. Of course since the two of you are best friends and apparently seem to enjoy each other, it could progress further but at this point, the other member in the relationship seems content with the way things are. If you're okay with it then fine, and if not then you'll have to find a way to nudge him either way depending on what you want.
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    Jul 16, 2010 5:36 AM GMT
    Take it for what its worth, embrace the moment, and enjoy the time together, dont worry about tomorrow, it has its own worry.... and easy on the merlot partner..lolicon_twisted.gif
  • alwaysonpoint

    Posts: 173

    Jul 16, 2010 5:44 AM GMT
    DrNY saidDoes it have to be labeled as something??? I mean I understand your frustration at not being clear as to where you stand but if its working well, and if you feel that the situation is benefiting your life and making it better, then enjoy whatever it is and let it develop naturally. If you force it, then you might risk losing out. That being said, from my point of view as someone from the outside looking in through whatever peep hole you've provided, it seems that you're sort if in a "relationship" where if all else fails, you at least have each other, but it's only supposed to last until one of you finds someone better...kinda like a "place holder" relationship that comes out of convenience more than anything else. Of course since the two of you are best friends and apparently seem to enjoy each other, it could progress further but at this point, the other member in the relationship seems content with the way things are. If you're okay with it then fine, and if not then you'll have to find a way to nudge him either way depending on what you want.



    I agree whole heartedly!
  • Thomas757

    Posts: 260

    Jul 16, 2010 5:48 AM GMT
    hmmm, all valid points. DrNy I agree with you, it doesn't need to be labeled as anything. I guess my major problem with it not being 'defined' is residual dogmabuse about conventional relationship boundaries that I haven't overcome yet. I'm working on it though.
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    Jul 16, 2010 5:52 AM GMT
    Talking to him about your feelings and desires might be a good idea. Because if it is not what you want you're only hurting yourself.
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    Jul 16, 2010 5:54 AM GMT
    Thomas757 saidhmmm, all valid points. DrNy I agree with you, it doesn't need to be labeled as anything. I guess my major problem with it not being 'defined' is residual dogmabuse about conventional relationship boundaries that I haven't overcome yet. I'm working on it though.


    Just make sure the two of you are comfortable with the situation. Each relationship has its own dynamic..some more conventional while others not so much. If it works, if it makes sense to you and your partner, then that's all that matters really.
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    Jul 16, 2010 6:08 AM GMT
    So, is he into you? Can't really tell? Try sleeping in another room for a couple of nights, see what happens.
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    Jul 16, 2010 6:34 AM GMT


    Awesome... I want that... romantic love is more of a fairy tale Ive decided... this is proper partnership
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    Jul 16, 2010 10:20 AM GMT
    It's hard to tell if he considers the two of you best friends with benefits or if he the two of you are partners but, because of past hurt, he just can't allow himself to admit it. I'd be concerned about getting too emotionally invested in the relationship until it is more defined. That said, it sounds like it what you have is at least meeting some of what you both need physically and emotionally for the time being.
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    Jul 16, 2010 4:47 PM GMT
    are you two exclusive? what happens if/when one of you brings home someone else or doesn't come home?
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jul 16, 2010 5:18 PM GMT
    it's a relationship. just because he doesn't call you his boyfriend doesn't make it any less so. it's just a commitment phobia on his part, but i guarantee he would be hurt if you left. enjoy it for what it is.
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    Jul 16, 2010 7:25 PM GMT
    Thomas757 saidSo we're roommates/best friends/fuck buddies. We share a two bedroom apartment, and sleep in the same bed. We go out to dinner and the movies regularly. We go out of town together, unless work prevents it. It looks more and more to our mutual friends like we are 'partners' and I have a hard time denying that. In all honesty the only thing I'm aware of that keeps our relationship from being defined as boyfriends/partners is his adamant stance that he doesn't feel that for me and my acceptance of it. Although he did at one time tell me that he only doesn't feel that way for me because of getting hurt in the past. This leaves me wondering if I've somehow become complacent instead of content, and if I'm really set up for a major disappointment.
    I don't know if I'm really okay, confused, or just tired of always being the 'rebound' and back-up boyfriend so i'm using him to make that stop.
    Anyways, I'm on my third or fourth glass of merlot and can't stop thinking about this {what I find to be} odd situation I've allowed myself to be in.
    Feel free to throw your two cents in.


    Gosh, a queer guy afraid of emotional attachment or commitment? Whod'a thunk, huh?
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    Jul 16, 2010 10:02 PM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Gosh, a queer guy afraid of emotional attachment or commitment? Whod'a thunk, huh?

    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jul 16, 2010 11:14 PM GMT
    Thomas757 saidhmmm, all valid points. DrNy I agree with you, it doesn't need to be labeled as anything. I guess my major problem with it not being 'defined' is residual dogmabuse about conventional relationship boundaries that I haven't overcome yet. I'm working on it though.


    true, but if you find that this kind of power dynamic* is spilling onto other parts of this (in the strict sense) relationship, it might be this that is truly bothering you-----a dynamic that leaves you disappointed, frustrated, or powerless, not (necessarily) on a "psychological," "societal," or "rational" plane, but also on a very primitive level.

    Might that be the case? I'm speaking from past experience, that's why I'm asking icon_cool.gif






    * because obviously he's the one in control of this issue
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    Jul 16, 2010 11:16 PM GMT
    (I should amplify/clarify---from what I read, the power dynamic that is being established here is that he gets to establish the boundaries, labels, and contours of your relationship, how it functions, and what it means to you and the world.)
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    Jul 16, 2010 11:29 PM GMT
    Thomas757 saidFeel free to throw your two cents in.

    And the kitchen sink, too, knowing me... icon_rolleyes.gif

    Well, what do YOU want? How about YOU? Sounds like a lot of accommodating on your part going on. Don't you rate, too?

    I think you may be a guy who needs someone as much focused on you, as you are prepared to be focused on him. Sound fair & equal?

    I can tell what you need, it screams between every word. And if this guy isn't it, find the one who is -- pronto. You are young enough, and good-looking enough, that you can have what you want. Don't have what you don't want.
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    Jul 16, 2010 11:49 PM GMT
    My $.02 after a couple pints of home brew.

    Sounds like BFs to me on paper but not in love? Are either of you dating anyone else? If you are tired of this and it sounds like you are talk to him and ask if it's OK to step out and actually date someone else? If he fuzzes up to that he's got a decision to make. Invest in you or you're going to start looking for a guy who will be crazy about you and fall for you and be your partner 24/7 not a friend w/bennies. You seem like a catch and if this dudes got a brain in his head he'd recognize that and change his tune. If not you don't need him controlling the overall situation. You don't want a 10 years later situation where nothing has changed but now you are older and even more intertwined socially and maybe even financially.

    I am frequently told I am full of shit too so take it for what it's worth.
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    Jul 16, 2010 11:49 PM GMT
    To echo the esteemed Mr.Wilton, are you getting out of this relationship what you need? He has been hurt in the past. No shit. We all have. But, sounds like he needs some time to lick his wounds.

    At some point, if this is what you want, you are going to have to make a demand of him. Yes, a relationship has the possibility of hurt. But your de facto relationship does as well. He needs to consider your feelings and not just his. Otherwise, his wound will never heal and you will have a nice one to add to your collection.
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    Jul 17, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    BrainyBrainyBrainy said(I should amplify/clarify---from what I read, the power dynamic that is being established here is that he gets to establish the boundaries, labels, and contours of your relationship, how it functions, and what it means to you and the world.)


    Bingo.
  • Thomas757

    Posts: 260

    Jul 17, 2010 2:29 AM GMT
    Ok....let's see if I can answer some of the questions.
    1. We aren't 'exclusive'
    2. He is very attentive for the most part, almost every morning I get a "good morning sunshine" text from him while he's at work (he's a baker so gets up way earlier than I do.)
    3. I have established some of the boundaries in the relationship...primarily that my sister's kids (soon to be 3) all come first for me. He respects my space when I say I need time alone or to be with my family.
    4. In the past, when I have brought up moving out, he has either gotten angry and ignored me for awhile or broke down in tears.
    5. For the most part I believe I am happy with my situation, except I keep myself very busy. Too busy to really let myself feel any kind of emotion for a long period of time. I sometimes think that is just a defense mechanism though...
    6. He's the first guy I ever felt jealous over, which scares the shit out of me, and I think that's why I stopped fighting for a more definite relationship. (the jealousy stopped like 8 months ago)
    did that answer them all? I think i might have missed a few.

    and to all the very sweet comments from you guys about me being cute and a catch....thank you. Ya'll made me blush. icon_redface.gif
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    Jul 18, 2010 10:30 PM GMT
    Hey, these are my two cents on your latest two cents:

    How could you be exclusive? You're not in a relationship. That statement also doesn't mean that you are in agreement with not being exclusive.

    I'm glad you establish some boundaries, but the ones you mention actually seem to benefit him greatly. You're not in a relationship, so why would he want to spend time with little kids that are not his own relatives? I mean, sure; it seems perfectly natural that he would let you go spend time with them. It allows him to have some down time as well, given that you two live together and have such a complicated dynamic.

    As for you being happy about the situation, it is very doubtful. You started this thread precisely cause you weren't. Even your statement about being happy is qualified by two statements that contradict or cast doubt over it.

    I hope you do allow yourself to think things over and find your inner strength to assess this situation in way that suits your best interest. No one can really help you but you, and you deserve to (at least) pursue a more perfect version of happiness.
  • Thomas757

    Posts: 260

    Jul 30, 2010 12:46 AM GMT
    BrainyBrainyBrainy saidHey, these are my two cents on your latest two cents:

    icon_lol.gif
    As for the rest of your post...thanks for the reminder that I need to take care of myself more. (at least that's what I took from it).
    Now to quote Nike from years past...I need to 'Just Do It'
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jul 30, 2010 12:48 AM GMT
    Thomas757 saidSo we're roommates/best friends/fuck buddies. We share a two bedroom apartment, and sleep in the same bed. We go out to dinner and the movies regularly. We go out of town together, unless work prevents it. It looks more and more to our mutual friends like we are 'partners' and I have a hard time denying that. In all honesty the only thing I'm aware of that keeps our relationship from being defined as boyfriends/partners is his adamant stance that he doesn't feel that for me and my acceptance of it. Although he did at one time tell me that he only doesn't feel that way for me because of getting hurt in the past. This leaves me wondering if I've somehow become complacent instead of content, and if I'm really set up for a major disappointment.
    I don't know if I'm really okay, confused, or just tired of always being the 'rebound' and back-up boyfriend so i'm using him to make that stop.
    Anyways, I'm on my third or fourth glass of merlot and can't stop thinking about this {what I find to be} odd situation I've allowed myself to be in.
    Feel free to throw your two cents in.


    The only people that can define your relationship is you.

    If you aren't happy, you need to make the change.