Have you ever chosen your career over your love?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2010 8:03 AM GMT
    I have to make a tough decision in the next couple of days between my boyfriend and my career. I recently graduated and was offered an amazing opportunity to work at the NIH in DC. The problem is I live in Seattle, and my boyfriend won't graduate until December and is unwilling to move to DC. I need to decide what I should do, drop everything I have here including my boyfriend of 2 years and move across the country, or pass up a career-starting job in DC.

    I currently have a part-time job now, but it ends in September, at which time I will be unemployed. I also haven't had much luck finding jobs in my area. I know in the end I'm the only one who can make the decision, but my family and coworkers (including my bosses) are encouraging me to go, while I'm leaning towards staying. To make it worse, my family doesn't know that I have a boyfriend, or that I'm gay for that matter. Whenever I talk to them about it I make dumb excuses without actually saying I don't want to go because of my boyfriend. Telling them I'm gay won't help me make this decision, so that's irrelevant at this point. My friends know I have a boyfriend, and they understand that it's a difficult decision, but they don't give me any advice.

    Has anyone else had to make this decision before? I guess I'm just looking for validation and assurance for whatever decision I make, but what would you do?

    Thanks guys
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2010 8:43 AM GMT
    Hey there,
    Congrats on the graduation and for the opportunity ahead of you.
    Tough decison for sure. I haven't had that myself (only 1 bf ever here), but a couple of things to consider:

    1. I think you need to take the opportunity. Jobs don't grow on trees these days and it sounds like it could jeapordize the progress (with your career) right from the get go. Telling your parents and family you're gay so you don't want to go to DC because of your bf probably isn't the wisest idea.
    I'd delay telling them and when you do.... in a different context.

    2. I'd try to encourage your bf to visit you in DC and to keep an open mind.
    If so, maybe he will gain some appreciation and won't be so dead set against it. I didn't ask (nor did you really say) about your relationship and its status. How are you guys doing after 2 years? My point.. I'd try not to put it on an "either or" .. rather try and encourage him .


    3. You haven't talked about your current financial state of affairs. Are you living with your parents? Are you financially ready (with having only a part time job and just graduating) for a move? DC isn't cheap... have you been there and checked out housing? Make sure and review your finances carefully.

    Good luck with it... best wishes and congrats again on the graduation.
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    Jul 16, 2010 12:50 PM GMT
    I was in your boyfriend's position, but for different reasons. He got an opportunity of a lifetime to become a male model in Milan, Italy. We had been together for 3 years at the time. I was happy with the way things were, but I didn't want him to miss out. He said he would turn it down if I wouldn't go with him and I refused to let him to do that with the great possibility of him regretting it. So after some heated discussion and alot of tears, we said good bye.

    Your situation is a bit different in that both of you are/and will be starting out. Looking back, I was being selfish by not wanting to go with him (Yes I was and recognized that. I should have gone with him). I understand that your bf has a few months left in school and DC is a great opportunity for you. It isn't everyday the NIH comes calling. I see this as a springnboard for the life the two of you are wanting to start. And the bf should support you in this. We are only talking about a 5 month separation and whose to say no visitation will happen?

    The ultimatum involved in this is a very dangerous to the relationship. No 'if you, then I" ever turns out well. Personally, I hope you see the wisdom in taking the job with the NIH and I hope your bf trusts the relationship and the two of you enough to support you.

    Best of luck and congrats on the job. That is an accomplishment.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 16, 2010 1:03 PM GMT
    Looks like you've got some great advice from HndsmKansan and ErikTaurean. So I won't add much more. I've always been told it's good to go with the opportunity especially if there aren't any better ones cropping up because there may be resentment later on against your boyfriend if you stay. That resentment might be sooner than later if other opportunities don't turn up.
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    Jul 16, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    You'll both be in the same country. Quit whingin and get on with it.
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    Jul 16, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    every day.
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Jul 16, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    I would take the job over staying for the boyfriend. That career opportunity doesn't come along very often; congratulations to you for being invited to work for such a prestigious organization.

    If you take the job, the boyfriend has the opportunity to catch up with you in DC once he is done with school, if that's what he wants to do. If that's not his choice, then you may remain good friends; and each of you will enjoy another love in your future (at 20-something, is this your first relationship?)

    If you choose the boyfriend and not the career building opportunity, you may not have the chance to catch up to the NIH and work for them. AND, if the relationship goes sour, then you don't have the job or the boyfriend.

    I would see taking the job as my best chance to possibly get both; otherwise you only get one or neither...

    Congrats again, and best of luck with making this tough decision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidevery day.



    Well, you are special and unique.....icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidevery day.
    x2

    Boyfriends are a dime a dozen, especially when you're young.
    Careers are much more difficult to find than more boyfriends.
    If your current boyfriend doesn't understand yet, he'll find out once he also graduates and likely has to move away for a job.

    Besides, if you give up a career for your boyfriend and he ends up doing the same when he graduates, you'll both be more statics of college graduates who have no job...and it will be your own fault for making the choice of "love" over life. What's worse is when y'all eventually break up (being pessimistic because that's usually what happens) - then you're both left jobless and loveless.
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    Jul 16, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    ErikTaurean said
    dancerjack saidevery day.



    Well, you are special and unique.....icon_smile.gif



    not really. i'm practical and fairly inflexible in many ways. us gay superheroes have to be rigid about those little points of irritation like honesty. icon_twisted.gif
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    Jul 16, 2010 1:31 PM GMT
    Ha, I think close to thinking of choosing career, with all the drama goin on icon_biggrin.gif
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Jul 16, 2010 2:11 PM GMT
    Brit_Bloke saidYou'll both be in the same country. Quit whingin and get on with it.


    being in the same country isn't as meaningful when your country isn't an island. look at a map. the distance between seattle and DC is about the same distance as London to Istanbul
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    Jul 16, 2010 2:23 PM GMT
    Yes, and I am not sorry.... he did the same.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Jul 16, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    yep, that's why i hate the television industry and i keep fluxing back and forth to the medical industry. I cannot say who i am until i know someone or they know who i am. and i use a different name for the screen. so i have chosen career and so far, I once wish i did not.
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    Jul 16, 2010 2:30 PM GMT
    There are so many questions in this scenario I'm not sure where to start.

    How about this: Why doesn't your BF want to move to DC when he graduates in Dec?
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jul 16, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    Go. It's not a hard choice, you might be there two weeks hate it and move back. The other way around you can't undo it. Second, he may change his mind about DC. Life is going to change in th efuture anyway, and the two of you aren't tied to Seattle permenantly.
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    Jul 16, 2010 2:52 PM GMT
    hazardous saidI have to make a tough decision in the next couple of days between my boyfriend and my career. I recently graduated and was offered an amazing opportunity to work at the NIH in DC. The problem is I live in Seattle, and my boyfriend won't graduate until December and is unwilling to move to DC. I need to decide what I should do, drop everything I have here including my boyfriend of 2 years and move across the country, or pass up a career-starting job in DC.

    I currently have a part-time job now, but it ends in September, at which time I will be unemployed. I also haven't had much luck finding jobs in my area. I know in the end I'm the only one who can make the decision, but my family and coworkers (including my bosses) are encouraging me to go, while I'm leaning towards staying. To make it worse, my family doesn't know that I have a boyfriend, or that I'm gay for that matter. Whenever I talk to them about it I make dumb excuses without actually saying I don't want to go because of my boyfriend. Telling them I'm gay won't help me make this decision, so that's irrelevant at this point. My friends know I have a boyfriend, and they understand that it's a difficult decision, but they don't give me any advice.

    Has anyone else had to make this decision before? I guess I'm just looking for validation and assurance for whatever decision I make, but what would you do?

    Thanks guys


    Take the job opportunity. As someone else stated, jobs dont grow on trees these days... and you're young and need to think about supporting yourself in the future.

    Unless your BF is also willing and able to take care of you and keep you in the lap of luxury for the rest of your life........
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    Jul 16, 2010 3:32 PM GMT
    Yes and never regretted it. At your age loves will come and go. You need to take care of yourself and your future. I hate to be so cold and blunt but that's the way I see it.
  • ORAZ

    Posts: 3

    Jul 16, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    Well, it is a difficult decision. I was in a similar situation a while back. We discussed it and we both agreed that we didn't want any regrets. If I had stayed and we broke up or I couldn't find work then I might have been upset. If you can't find work it stresses the relationship. I opted to move and figured if I wasn't happy with the move I could always move back after a few months or so. Needless to say, when one door closes another one or even many open & I think for me it was the best decision. The relationship ended but we are still great friends. Good luck with your decision.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 16, 2010 4:04 PM GMT
    yes, and at times i regret it, but i also know that if i ever stopped following my goals in the name of love that i would end up resenting my partner for it
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    Jul 16, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    Do NOT pull a Lauren Conrad. You need to go to DC. You will love it. It will be an amazing experience and it will open doors for you that your boyfriend wont be able to. If anything he should be encouraging you to go and it sounds like the opposite.
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    Jul 16, 2010 4:18 PM GMT
    I'm so jealous. Go with the NIH...definitely
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    Jul 16, 2010 4:25 PM GMT
    i choose career over 'love' every day. you won't get the opportunity to work for NIH again, so the job is clearly the winner in my book. if your relationship is strong enough, it will survive the distance. if you guys need to move on, that will come to the forefront. GO to D.C.
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    Jul 16, 2010 4:32 PM GMT
    Yes, and I never regretted it. He was stupid anyways...
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    Jul 16, 2010 4:42 PM GMT
    i would take the job.