the it's me not you issue

  • mikeyvl

    Posts: 4

    Jul 16, 2010 1:58 PM GMT
    So here's what happend:
    Wednesday I get a call from my boyfriend saying that we need to talk, that it's about us and that I ain't gonna like it BUT the conversation has to wait till friday... because he wants to sleep in on thursday... (really a wtf here) oh and he adds but you shouldn't think about it too much (too late...) anyway fuck me for being friendly I patiently wait till friday with 2 days of hardly sleeping.
    We finally get together and talk and he says that like 2 months before we met he had a relationship with another and that he did something to him that traumatised him and he tried being with me and that it's not my fault but his and that he just ain't ready for a relationship now. So my one only reply could only be take the time process it and let me know when your ready for it again... Anyone expierence on this?
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    Jul 16, 2010 2:23 PM GMT
    How long have you two been boyfriends?
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    Jul 16, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    He's an idiot.

    Saying that they were traumatized by a previous relationship is a very common breakup lie. He is probably trying to spare your feelings with it, but don't believe it, it is just something people say to break up.

    You should try to forget him as soon as possible. He is never going to be "ready for a relationship" with you.

    Don't contact him. It will just inflate his ego. If you ignore him, he might try to come back to you, but it will just be because he will feel ignored.
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    Jul 16, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidHe's an idiot.

    Saying that they were traumatized by a previous relationship is a very common breakup lie. He is probably trying to spare your feelings with it, but don't believe it, it is just something people say to break up.

    You should try to forget him as soon as possible. He is never going to be "ready for a relationship" with you.

    Don't contact him. It will just inflate his ego. If you ignore him, he might try to come back to you, but it will just be because he will feel ignored.
    ....icon_eek.gif

    Has that happened to you before viv?
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    Jul 16, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidHe's an idiot.

    Saying that they were traumatized by a previous relationship is a very common breakup lie. He is probably trying to spare your feelings with it, but don't believe it, it is just something people say to break up.

    You should try to forget him as soon as possible. He is never going to be "ready for a relationship" with you.

    Don't contact him. It will just inflate his ego. If you ignore him, he might try to come back to you, but it will just be because he will feel ignored.


    Yeah, he could be full of it. But he could also be genuinely not ready. I know after some trauma I wanted to try to return to normalcy but was incapable of doing so.

    Give him the benefit of the doubt. You really have nothing to gain by calling him out.
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    Jul 16, 2010 7:12 PM GMT
    If I met the love of my life, no "trauma" would keep me from him.

    In 99% of cases, it is really just something people say to break up with and let the other guy down easy.

    But, on the small off chance that it is true, do you really want to be with someone that mentally unstable?

    It would certainly be a mistake to hold your breath in the meantime.
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    Jul 16, 2010 8:05 PM GMT
    Happened to me. Turned out the guy had been dating another guy at the same time for about 2 weeks before he told me he wasn't ready for another relationship (we started going out about a month after his last one). Also turns out that he proposed to the other guy about a month after we broke up.

    The lesson I learned was that you can carry the torch if it makes you feel better, but there's probably something far deeper than you can fathom. Try to move on and if he comes back, then you can decide if you WANT him back.
  • mikeyvl

    Posts: 4

    Jul 16, 2010 8:30 PM GMT
    The strange thing was also that he was able to tell the story to his cousin and her boyfriend (like first to his cousin and then to his cousins boyfriend each seprately) and yet he doesn't wanna tell me. Since I'm naive I will think that the wound is still fresh and he doesn't trust anyone else yet.. and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt but like i'll stay open for new chances as well. Thanks for your advices and opions.
    To be continued =p
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 17, 2010 1:26 PM GMT
    Lesson Learned ..... When they say it's not about you? It is

    and when they say they WANNA sleep on it? icon_confused.gif Tell'em NO
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    Jul 17, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    Dude, he's really not that into you
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    Jul 19, 2010 11:50 AM GMT
    Likely it is just a way of letting you down- but really- he is pretty immature if that is the best he can do to break up. I had used that excuse exactly once in my past- and it was true. After that I remained alone for a damn good long time because it is unfair to expect somebody else to go through the problems I had to offer.

    It is entirely possible that he did experience trauma- but if that is the case letting you in would say that he was ready to try to move on with his life, that he values your relationship. Even if he “can't” continue on with the present relationship it would allow him to remain in your life and you in his. So, I know this will sound cold... but if he will not tell you what is wrong then he values his pain more than the relationship- move on, don't leave the door open to allow him to continue hurting you. If he is telling you the truth that he was that traumatized and that after months he still can not tell you what went wrong then he needs to spend more time healing than you will be able to offer- and allowing him the invitation to “process it and let (you) know when (he's) ready for it again” is asking to be walked on. (Good thing my grade 10 teacher taught me about run on sentences...)

    Basically, if he is not wanting your support now then it does not bode well for a future relationship.
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jul 19, 2010 12:00 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidIf I met the love of my life, no "trauma" would keep me from him.

    In 99% of cases, it is really just something people say to break up with and let the other guy down easy.

    But, on the small off chance that it is true, do you really want to be with someone that mentally unstable?

    It would certainly be a mistake to hold your breath in the meantime.


    this is a very good pint, and the fact that he put you thru that for two days before he told you, shows that he likes mind games. if he couldn't tell you till friday for whatever reason he should not have brought it up knowing your gonna worry bout it.
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    Jul 19, 2010 12:10 PM GMT
    mtneerman said
    viveutvivas saidIf I met the love of my life, no "trauma" would keep me from him.

    In 99% of cases, it is really just something people say to break up with and let the other guy down easy.

    But, on the small off chance that it is true, do you really want to be with someone that mentally unstable?

    It would certainly be a mistake to hold your breath in the meantime.


    this is a very good pint, and the fact that he put you thru that for two days before he told you, shows that he likes mind games. if he couldn't tell you till friday for whatever reason he should not have brought it up knowing your gonna worry bout it.


    Yes, letting you cook two days in your juices before to dump you is very inconsiderate.
    "Can you please worry about the bad news I'm gonna tell you while I sleep ?"

    Dump him
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    Jul 19, 2010 4:05 PM GMT
    "It's me not you" is the only bail-out I possibly hate more than bank bailouts.

    If it's you and not me that is the problem, then why am I the one getting hurt?! It's ridiculous and selfish.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 19, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    I am going to be the voice of dissent! -shocker that eh?

    I usually do think it's about the other guy. As in- He has issues. He thought he wanted something and he doesn't. He thought he was relationship oriented but he just wants to party. He thought he let go of his ex emotionally and he hasn't. etc. etc. etc.

    Someone mentioned "he's just not that into you" which basically is.... he thought he was into you but realizes you are a different person that what he perceived at first. So yeah, that is kind of his problem and his mistake too and you did nothing wrong.

    I rarely blame myself, or my friends for their relationship not working out unless they did something heinous. Usually both parties are just being themselves and it was just not a good match. It happens.

    Sometimes even if there are big differences both parties can work them out and commit. But most guys just don't think it's worth the effort, which is sad in my opinion. Everyone seems to want an "easy" relationship, which is a complete fallacy to me.

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    Jul 19, 2010 4:25 PM GMT
    at_the_Ivy said"It's me not you" is the only bail-out I possible hate more than bank bailouts.

    If it's you and not me that is the problem, then why am I the one getting hurt?! It's ridiculous and selfish.


    lol, you're getting hurt because it is, in fact, him that's causing the hurt. So, it is him, he's right, at which point you give a little shudder-de-shudder, and run like hell. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 19, 2010 4:28 PM GMT
    It's not always a cop out
  • havingfunmtl9...

    Posts: 258

    Jul 19, 2010 4:32 PM GMT
    I think it was mostly to spare your feelings and to give him a scapegoat.

    The only time I ever used it and it was true was when I had to break up with my High School girl friend... it wasn't here.. that was definitely me being gay. LOL
  • JimJim

    Posts: 58

    Jul 19, 2010 7:49 PM GMT
    This might be slightly unrelated, but I feel like if you feel like you'd want to be friends with someone after breaking up with them, then you should be 100% honest during the breakup.

    For example, don't give the excuse that you're "just not ready for a relationship" and then a week later be dating someone else.

    And also, if you're totally honest during the break up, "I think we should stop seeing eachother because I don't like ______ about you/the relationship" then there is a chance the other person will realize what they're doing to bug you and there may be a chance to salvage it.

    Just my 2 cents.
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    Jul 19, 2010 8:48 PM GMT
    minox said
    Yes, letting you cook two days in your juices before to dump you is very inconsiderate.
    "Can you please worry about the bad news I'm gonna tell you while I sleep ?"

    Dump him


    I agree. That is the really bad sin in this whole story. It makes me think he is just a bad person.
  • JockChefJim

    Posts: 373

    Jul 19, 2010 9:02 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidI am going to be the voice of dissent! -shocker that eh?

    I usually do think it's about the other guy. As in- He has issues. He thought he wanted something and he doesn't. He thought he was relationship oriented but he just wants to party. He thought he let go of his ex emotionally and he hasn't. etc. etc. etc.

    Someone mentioned "he's just not that into you" which basically is.... he thought he was into you but realizes you are a different person that what he perceived at first. So yeah, that is kind of his problem and his mistake too and you did nothing wrong.

    I rarely blame myself, or my friends for their relationship not working out unless they did something heinous. Usually both parties are just being themselves and it was just not a good match. It happens.

    Sometimes even if there are big differences both parties can work them out and commit. But most guys just don't think it's worth the effort, which is sad in my opinion. Everyone seems to want an "easy" relationship, which is a complete fallacy to me.



    Probably the best response here so far. I am currently dealing with that very same issue. And it certaintly is not my first time hearing this excuse. It does bother me and makes me question if I am boyfriend material. But then I realize....I don't cheat, abuse, physically or emotionally, my partners, I am very loving to them even when I am not in the mood and my list can go on. So why can't I maintain a relationship? It's a mystery. Sometimes I just don't think most gay men understand that relationships are hard work....espcially at the beginning. So I agree with the "easy relationship" philosophy.......people want something that does not exist.

    I feel for you. Don't let anyone tell you that the lenght of time together should matter. It's what you felt that counts. Unfortunately the "it's not you it's me" line is here to stay because it is the easy out. Not because it is you.....but because they aren't ready to be in a real relationship yet.
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    Jul 19, 2010 9:27 PM GMT
    Telling you that you guys needed to talk, but then forcing to wait two days was cruel and, I believe, passive-aggressive controlling (in which he is getting off a bit in your pain). That sucks.

    That alone tells me, if everything is as you say it is, that he is a jerk.
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    Jul 19, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    Hearing "I have something important to talk to you about but don't want to talk about it now. We'll talk about it later," is a huge pet peave of mine. My response is always, "If it is that important, we will talk about it NOW not later. Otherwise, forget it." Nothing worse than agonizing over a day or two about what could possibly be going on. Why even mention it if you are not prepared to immediately follow with some discussion? I just don't get it.
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    Jul 20, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    at_the_Ivy said"It's me not you" is the only bail-out I possible hate more than bank bailouts.

    If it's you and not me that is the problem, then why am I the one getting hurt?! It's ridiculous and selfish.


    lol, you're getting hurt because it is, in fact, him that's causing the hurt. So, it is him, he's right, at which point you give a little shudder-de-shudder, and run like hell. icon_wink.gif


    Lol...you're actually right. I don't know what got into me~that was so emo it's embarrassing.
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    Jul 20, 2010 5:35 AM GMT
    at_the_Ivy said
    meninlove said
    at_the_Ivy said"It's me not you" is the only bail-out I possible hate more than bank bailouts.

    If it's you and not me that is the problem, then why am I the one getting hurt?! It's ridiculous and selfish.


    lol, you're getting hurt because it is, in fact, him that's causing the hurt. So, it is him, he's right, at which point you give a little shudder-de-shudder, and run like hell. icon_wink.gif


    Lol...you're actually right. I don't know what got into me~that was so emo it's embarrassing.


    What go into you and is now gone from you was painful grief, deep and powerful.
    We just helped you purge it with a little cognitive consideration.

    Go forth young Jedi and shine!

    (and here's two hugs to help you along *hugs*)

    -real Fairy(lol) Godfathers