I think I'm gay...and I have a girlfriend

  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Jul 19, 2010 9:02 AM GMT
    Hey guys. I'm so fucked right now. You may have seen my previous threads from months back where I was confused as fuck. Well I think I made the situation even worse.

    OK so I have only had one true gay experience. When I was about 18/19 I had a fling with a transvestite for a few weeks. Half of the time we fucked he wasn't dressed at all. It really aroused me when he kissed me and I could feel his stubble against my face. I really liked him, but he didn't feel the same way so we went our separate ways. I lost my virginity to him.

    After that I only dated and fucked women. But I have always been plagued by constant problems with getting and maintaining my erections. I fucked 3 girlfriends, then had a pretty bad breakup with one of them. After that I sorta took myself off the market for a while. I stayed single/celibate for 4 years. Recently I decided to man up and put myself back out there. Met a great girl, and rushed into a relationship. It's been a month now, and I'm coming to the realization again that I have trouble finding her sexually attractive. We've had sex once, where I took her virginity. But I keep having the same problems maintaining my erection. But it feels even worse now. I often go soft just trying to penetrate her. I can't come from fucking her or getting a bj from her. And to top it all off, I feel like I'm with her because I'm supposed to be.

    So I think I am majorly fucked now. I yet again think I may be gay, but now I've brought a girl into it, who totally loves me and I just know I will hurt tremendously if I break up with her. I did tell her I was bi and she was supportive so maybe she'll understand.

    Either way I'm confused as fuck and am open to any comments/advice you guys have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 9:19 AM GMT
    hmm do do do do do... lets see

    why be confused... your dating a girl so either you have some attraction to woman or are doing so as some means of socity pressure

    at most i could say your bi and you have both attraction to men and woman. the person your with may actually be then problem and not you to as well. if you have had any fight about sex or have been pressued into sex the penis brain say fuck you and wont get hard. since your in a relationship it hard for me to tell you what to dob ut if you love this girl you could try to make it work but have to get rid of the stress. if you want to be with someone else its best you end it now.

    i dont acually beleive people can be confused about their sexuality, but its the easiest word to use to express the mixed felling going on in their head.
    (i like guy, im attracted to girls, being gay is unusally, bla bla bla) you will have to just think about what you want and dont lets other people or socity decide it for you. personality i think their are bi people out there who can actually have a relationship with either sexes but i know im not one of them.

    Listen to the penis brain because you cant bet it in a aurgement
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    Jul 19, 2010 10:30 AM GMT
    hmmm transvestite?
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jul 19, 2010 10:39 AM GMT
    you may just be putting too much pressure on yourself to perform sexually, your trying so hard to stay hard that you loose it.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jul 19, 2010 11:09 AM GMT
    Dude, no offense to your skills, but it's been about a month with the new girl, I don't think she'll be too devastated if you ended it now. And if she already knows you're bi, she might be ok with you saying that you were wrong, and you're totally gay.

    When I was realizing I was gay, it was not because I couldn't get it up with/for chicks. It wasn't because I did one gay thing with a drag queen. You know if you're gay or not, it's not CSI, no physical evidence is needed to know you're gay.

    I think calling this "confusion" is just to help you deal with this, but I think you know for sure already.
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    Jul 19, 2010 11:44 AM GMT
    Well I have friends, lovely men, who got married and had kids, but always felt something was missing, and only after a lengthy process and a divorce, and actually TRYING having sex with a guy they realised it was what they preferred

    So to be honest, if you're in doubt, you might as well try with a guy once... you might find you prefer girls anyway, but at least you will know for sure
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    Jul 19, 2010 11:55 AM GMT
    You may want to read some of the posts, especially my little story on this thread to help you make up your mind, it might help you some...
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1039918


    Other than that, take it from someone who has been married twice and 3 kids later, dated numerous guys and etc you know if your gay or not. I knew when i was just a little kid.

    I fought it most of my life and had to put so many people through my pain for example...my ex wives, I know have 3 kids (which isn't a bad thing but you know what I mean) going through 2 divorces, starting all over again and etc.

    I now have been dating the same man for 5 1/2 years and can say im madly, deeply in love with him...just hearing his voice on the phone gets me rock hard...sorry...maybe TMI, haha.

    I remember after I left my first wife and I had never been with a guy. I was 21. I boldly went to my first hole in the wall gay bar, a guy picked me up and we went back to his place.

    As soon as he pulled me into him and kissed me I knew what the hell everyone was talking about!!!!! For the first time I felt like I belonged, like I had found what I had yearned for, for so long.

    I think you should date a guy, not a tranny, or what have you, but a guy and see how you feel.

    If you think you might end up settling with a guy and you stay with this girl anyway; your going to put her and you thru so much torture and emotional pain.

  • laxdude25

    Posts: 604

    Jul 19, 2010 11:58 AM GMT
    There are a lot of "right" paths sexuality wise, the key is to no mess up some one else while you're finding the path. Honesty with your partner may be tough upfront, but it makes it a lot easier in the long run. As a few other posters have noted, you don't necessarily have enough experience to know, but it's not CSI, you can figure it out pretty easily.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 19, 2010 12:01 PM GMT
    You claim you are "fucked up", but are you? It sounds like you may really know what you want and who you are.

    Rather than taking a woman's virginity (and potentially her heart), I suggest you invest some time with a man and get comfortable. Whatever you do, I suggest you avoid yanking the emotions of your partner. You may be gone "tomorrow" so to speak. Once you accept the fact you are gay (if thats where you want to go with your life), you can start considering something more permanent (or just have fun). Just know what you are doing.
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    Jul 19, 2010 12:12 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidDude, no offense to your skills, but it's been about a month with the new girl, I don't think she'll be too devastated if you ended it now. And if she already knows you're bi, she might be ok with you saying that you were wrong, and you're totally gay.

    When I was realizing I was gay, it was not because I couldn't get it up with/for chicks. It wasn't because I did one gay thing with a drag queen. You know if you're gay or not, it's not CSI, no physical evidence is needed to know you're gay.

    I think calling this "confusion" is just to help you deal with this, but I think you know for sure already.



    This. And honestly, it's better to hurt her now than in six months or a year or two years, when the commitment is even stronger. At your age, you should have NO guilt about trying things out to see what you like. It's what you do, because things aren't always black and white for us. You're not feeling it with her, and now that she's number 4 or whatever, you're realizing maybe it's not her, but it's all women. So try something else. See how you feel meeting men.

    It's difficult to take the emotions out it and work just from the facts, but if you step back and look at the situation without all the angst and emotion involved, a lightbulb may go off over your head. That's what posting here can help you to do.

    And ignore people like RUMEL who focus on the transvestite part of your story as if there's something wrong with that. It's a shallow perspective and not worth a thought.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 19, 2010 12:23 PM GMT
    Sounds like you need to deal with the girl first and the rest afterward.

    If you are not happy with dating this girl, then don't. Prolonging it is really not fair to her or you. Your obligation is to treat her fairly, not to saddle either of you with a mess.
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    Jul 19, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    She knows ur gay too.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jul 19, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    go to therapy at your local clinic, or seek advice from a professional to help you sort your mind out, i personally from what you have said can infer you know what you want, and its a man, because men get you aroused as women cant but you have issues with accepting that...which fair enough to you is not how you or your family would have envisioned your life...so get some professional help in how to accept yourself for who/what you are and the world would be a better place, dont just go about fucking right left and centre to prove a point to yourself, because youre hurting people along the way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 12:55 PM GMT
    your profile says you're 25. if true, you have plenty of time to sort out who you are sexually and who you prefer to shack up with/"marry."

    don't for a minute think that you are responsible for other's feelings. sure, if you decide to break up with this GF of yours because you a) aren't sure about your own sexuality, b) don't find her attractive enough to have sex to orgasm, c) need a "break" to figure it out...then, yeah, she'll be upset...but that is her deal, not yours. keeping up the charade only complicates it further...it leads her on AND it screws with your own brain.

    impotence, btw, is something lots of men experience and it has nothing to do with their sexual preference. performance anxiety and/or something actually physiological can be the culprit. don't read too much into that.

    but surely as you live and breath, if you make yourself responsible for other people's feelings, you'll live a shitty life. do what is right for you...and if it means taking a step back to get a handle on things, then do what you need to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    Let's look at the facts dude. You're subscribed to a gay social website. asking gays about your sexuality. So I don't think it's a matter of whether you're gay but a matter of when you're willing to admit it to yourself. Its a process dude and when all come to terms with it in our own time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 2:24 PM GMT
    Let me save you the years of pain I endured: YOU ARE GAY. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You were born this way. You cannot change it. Accept your self. Embrace yourself. Most importantly LOVE yourself. I wish I would have had someone be this blunt with me when I was younger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    Yep. You're on this site. You ARE gay. Everything will sort itself out in time... just don't try to be someone you aren't.
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    Jul 19, 2010 2:43 PM GMT
    Nowadays there is a way to explore your sexuality in the comfort of your own home without any stress.

    It is called porn. It is free, there are huge amounts of it at your fingertips, and you can find something for any taste under the sun.

    Take some time for yourself, as much as it takes, and find out what really turns you on in porn. You can do this without hurting anyone.
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    Jul 19, 2010 2:58 PM GMT
    The Community Center is an lgbt group in your city of Boise that might be able to offer you some support. They are associated with Boise State. Here is a link to their website. Give them a call and see what they can do to help.

    http://www.tccidaho.org/index.htm
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 3:07 PM GMT
    I understand your dilemma, but my biggest beef with closeted gay dudes is all the trouble they put innocent girls through. Dump your 'girlfriend' and let her get on with her life. Stop wasting her time, she did nothing wrong.
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    Jul 19, 2010 3:41 PM GMT
    SolidRanger saidI think I'm gay...and I have a girlfriend
    I know you're gay...and I have a girlfriend.
    But I don't fuck my girlfriend. Instead, we go to bars and drool over guys together. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 3:53 PM GMT

    First, there's not a thing wrong about being turned on by transvestites.

    NOT. A. THING.

    Clear things up with the girlfriend now, or she'll be hurt worse later.

    You're not gay if you like women sexually - you're BI and there are a jillion shades of that.

    Look at this:

    layout2.jpg


    The top colour (black) we'll call gay and the bottom (white) we'll call straight. See all the shades in between? That's Bi.

    There's a great movie that came out some time ago called the crying game you might appreciate. The black girl he's kissing in the trailer is a cross dresser. The movie is a good romp. Here:



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    meninlove saidLook at this:

    layout2.jpg


    The top colour (black) we'll call gay and the bottom (white) we'll call straight. See all the shades in between? That's Bi.
    I hate this netbook's screen. It's totally not calibrated right! icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 19, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    i would only add, from experience, that the label BISEXUAL is probably a useful label...and there is definitely a spectrum of sexuality that is infinite shades of gray. BUT i believe a couple of things are true too:

    i think at the end of the day you are either gay or straight. while that continuum of sexuality may transition from one pole to the other, i think it is EXTREMELY rare (in my experience) to find someone literally on the fence equally preferring women and men (for those people, they really shouldn't ever marry). most people are truly one way or the other with varying degrees of the opposite pole blended in.

    the trouble with the label bisexuality is, IMHO, for those of use who are truly gay, i.e., someone who actually prefers men over women in all instances of intimacy not just sex, it is very easy to hide behind the attraction to women as a way of denying who (or what you prefer) you really are. for the longest time, since i could lust after women with the best of my str8 friends, i could deny i was gay...thereby creating for myself a "normal" hetero existence and thinking this was just the "way it was" and hey, everyone has their cross to bear.

    but it is an illusion. like someone said before, if you are gay you know it. if you think you are, you probably are. there are guys who have sex with men but don't prefer it and they don't even think they are gay. but there are men who have sex with women but KNOW they are gay. they've known, probably, since they were very young.

    so, while BISEXUALITY may describe the transitional areas of human sexuality, it can be a trap. a way of denial...and in the wake of denial are divorces, children of broken families, and lots and lots of anger and confusion.

    i, for one, know that my ex is very bothered by my "lying" to her. she also questions her own attractiveness. and i have two children who are now from a broken family.

    so use the term BISEXUALITY sparingly and always qualify it by saying the needle still points one way or the other.
  • SolidRanger

    Posts: 108

    Jul 19, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    rangard saidthe trouble with the label bisexuality is, IMHO, for those of use who are truly gay, i.e., someone who actually prefers men over women in all instances of intimacy not just sex, it is very easy to hide behind the attraction to women as a way of denying who (or what you prefer) you really are. for the longest time, since i could lust after women with the best of my str8 friends, i could deny i was gay...thereby creating for myself a "normal" hetero existence and thinking this was just the "way it was" and hey, everyone has their cross to bear.
    I fear this to be true in my case. It took me along time to simply be ok with being bisexual, but I've always treated the gay side as something that was strictly sexual or even a fetish, and my straight side as the dominant side.

    I fucked up by rushing into a relationship with my girlfriend. I hadn't had any gay thoughts in a while when we started dating so I didn't even think about the gay part. But my girlfriend and I were laying in bed one night just talking and I felt comfortable enough to confess that I'm bi to her, which I had never told anybody. She was really supportive. She told me if I have certain needs that need to bed fulfilled to tell her. I think she was alluding to pegging me, but I'm not into bottoming.

    Then, feeling sorta liberated by coming out as bi, i allowed myself to watch and jerk off to some gay porn. I didn't feel bad about it until this weekend where me her and a bunch of friends went on a trip. After spending the weekend with her I feel like I'm not very attracted to her. Then last night I started a surge of gay thoughts that have not ceased. I've masturbated to gay porn twice this morning already.

    It just really gets to me because of the lack of consistency. I know I'm really enjoying the gay porn right now, but I just know that in a few days or so I'll wake up and feel completely repulsed at the idea of men.

    How did you guys come to KNOW you were gay? I have always had thoughts about homosexuality since I was like 12 or so. I've always liked watching movies with gay characters. I frequently find myself bringing up gay topics in conversations. It's like my mind is obsessed with the idea of being gay, not so much actual attraction to men.

    How many of you guys had dead end experiences with women before concluding you were gay?