Ageism at Realjock?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 12:08 AM GMT
    Has anyone else noticed that those who are 35+ seem to be irrelevant at Realjock? I've noticed that in the forums or in the Chat Room, non-20-somethings are treated with a range of emotions from indifference to contempt. While I can't claim to be in the first bloom of youth, it would be nice to think that one might still have something to offer. I sometimes feel that this is a gay version of Logan's Run and my hand just started blinking. (Yes, that might be a reference you young people might not get.) I was just wondering what other people thought. I'll be back after I drive around awhile with my left blinker on.
  • SkyMiles

    Posts: 963

    Jun 03, 2007 1:07 AM GMT
    Simple facts of life. What can ya do?
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Jun 03, 2007 1:13 AM GMT
    *shrugs* the recent flavour in the forum topics has had heavy input from us 'twenty-somethings' but I don't really see the ageism you're referring to.

    *shrugs* um, besides, haven't you like, um, chosen your favorite colour and the music you want to die to yet? I'm hungry beotch

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    Jun 03, 2007 1:35 AM GMT
    I found the opposite, I am attracting younger and I was really looking for someone my own age. One 18 year old the other day told me, "sorry, you are just too old." I laughed and told him that I may just teach him something and he replied, "I want rough sex!" and I thought I'll nub your cock without my teeth and plug your little ass with my cane, you little dip shit. It was priceless.

    I guess I should take a 4th look at the "SECRET". LOL

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 1:52 AM GMT
    I think it is very often a lack of confidence as we age. As such that might create a bias in interpreting an opinion. I am 37 and I have never encountered any negative interaction at realjock that would reflect inappropriately on my age.

    On the other hand the response rksportswear received reflects on the kids [lack of] maturity. It also suggests how secure rksportswear is about where he is in his life [chronologically].
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    Jun 03, 2007 2:34 AM GMT
    My last few years have been my coming out years. It has taken me this long to come to terms with being gay. I kind of expected more of a welcome, more of a "Come to the Cabaret, old friend," type of thing. The gay community doesn't seem to care if you come out if you are old and unattractive--that is, if you are over 40 and overweight. The straight world doesn't want me around because I'm gay, and the gay world doesn't want me around because I'm old. I was hoping that coming out would improve my life, but it has only led to rejection by a brand new group of people for brand new reasons.

    I actually didn't feel all that old until I started looking into the gay world more deeply. Now I'm not sure why I would continue this process if it is going to lead to more smirking contempt.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 3:09 AM GMT
    In the long run you will fit in just fine in one of the very many niches in the gay community. Its just a matter of time!
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    Jun 03, 2007 3:19 AM GMT
    Skip: You might want to provide more information than your age and location on your profile if you want people to react to more than your age.

    Gay sexual culture's emphasis on youth isn't really any different than heterosexual culture's to my mind. It's not just younger guys who prefer younger men. A lot of men over 40 also prefer younger.

    Of course, there's also a good bit of fetishizing of age difference. Nothing spells instant erectile dysfunction to me quicker than being called "daddy" during sex.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 4:19 AM GMT
    Yeah. I'm gunna have to disagree about the agism. To me it seems like the people who have the most say and command the most repect are the ones who are more experienced and are 35+. Especially in this forum. However, I'm not considering myself a victim so I may be in the dark about that. As far as not getting the attention you thought you would be getting I think its a common misconception among gay guys of all ages. Most gay guys who are out got over the "I'm gay too!" mentality long ago. And as far as body image, realjock was created as a site for guys into sports and working out etc. If you came to this site, created a profile, I'm sure you have something to offer about sports or life in general. So share where you can. Real life experience outweighs the ramblings of a bored out of his gourd 20 something like me any day.
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    Jun 03, 2007 4:57 AM GMT
    Heh. Living in a small midwestern college town, I was lovingly branded a "troll in training" by a friend when I was 27!
    Seriously, I think obscenewish makes a great point. You've provided no information about yourself other than a picture and your age and location. Unless someone is looking to have sex with you right now (and I have no clue how many people are here just for that in general, and it sounds that this is not what you're seeking), what is there about you that should catch someone's attention? Why should I chat you up rather than someone who is interested in football like I am?
    As was discussed in another topic, merely being gay isn't much of a common denominator (unless you're about to have sex, perhaps without even exchanging names). People want to meet PLUs (People Like Us) - whatever that may be for them. Do you like Chopin (and pronounce it "Sheaupen"), Star Trek, or just driving around the block (slowly, and with your blinker on)?

    I think you've highlighted something else that I haven't considerd. On college campuses, there are usually "coming out groups". There's some peer counseling, discussion of whether your roommate, best friend or parents know, and a sense of belonging. By the time people are in their 30s, their parents likely know, they don't have a roommate (unless it's their partner) and to some degree they've already adjusted to being gay.
    But what about people who come out in their 30s, 40s... or even 60s and 70s? Who is in their "coming out class"? The "kids" just coming out identify you as their father's peer, not theirs. The people in their 30s who are already out can't really relate. (Note: I think larger cities actually have gay centers with groups catering to this population.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 5:58 AM GMT
    I have not had a problem on this board. I have had guys tell me that I was too old on other sites, before but people are pretty cordial here and will respond to message. They key as OW said was to write a little more about yourself.
    I am very candid in my profile. Age is not a big deal to me. I like older men, I like younger men. Other attributes that I am attracted to in a man like masculinity, intelligence, humor, converation are not age specific.
    Looking forward to reading more.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 8:51 AM GMT
    ObsceneWish makes a good point. The only information you offer about yourself IS your age and a small headshot. Are you giving people a chance to react to you any other way?

    While I have, on occasion, run across people who dismiss me because of my age, and are rude about it, this behavior does not seem to be exclusive to the gay community. It happens occasionally out in the larger world as well.

    I think it is important to remember that this site is RealJock - it's directed to people who are either athletic or oriented towards fitness at the very least. If you share those interests, you'll have more in common with the men here.

    There are plenty of sites for men which do not focus on athletics/fitness. DaddyHunt, for example, has men of all physical descriptions and interests. Finding the right crowd online is just as significant as finding a comfortable bar used to be in the pre-internet days.

    As far as being ignored in the forums - one of the things I've really enjoyed on this site IS the forums, where I tend to participate at length (sometimes at GREAT length) and where my comments do not seem to be unwelcome. Getting a mix of ages in the forums just makes them richer in terms of viewpoints, and ultimately more valuable.

    Good luck. Keep exploring.
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    Jun 03, 2007 5:39 PM GMT
    I can't say that I've experienced ageism. I think that our society, i mean at large, likes young, good looking people; but i found this site to be very supportive and the reason I am on so much, although very busy, is that it is a rather positive community. I feel I have all these friends here who are quite kind, supportive, and insightful.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 6:37 PM GMT
    Obscenewish, you just distroyed my fantasy for you. I'd totally call you a hot Daddy.

    There is ageism everywhere, gay and straight and bi. But personality can go along way.

    Personaly I've never dated or slept with anyone under the age of 30. And anyman who takes good care of himself and has a great personality is an asset and attractive at any age.

    Take time and fill out that profile, James. Show some of that personality.

    BigJoey knows I'd be his boy anyday! :)
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 03, 2007 7:31 PM GMT
    You know what...
    Yes there is ageism here and in gay culture
    and there is the body culture where we discriminate on what a guy's body looks like's not a positive thing but we all do it to a certain extent
    I'm not condoning it but it's something that's out there and there isn't much we're going to do about it except be the best we can be on our own
    Why does a 22 year old's positive reinforcement make a difference in your day?
    I'm, over 35 and I think guys over 40 and 50 if they take care of themselves are very sexy
    there's more to life than a twink giving you the eye
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 7:40 PM GMT
    I don't think that for me it's needing to be with a 20-something, thirty-something or even 40-something guy. It's just being able to feel sexy and attractive to SOMEONE. I really wish that there was a special chat room for the over 40 group who want to chat with people their own age. Frankly, there are people in this online community who are real nazis when it comes to age and fitness.

    In the words of Jack Nicholsen in "Mars Attacks", "Can't we all just get along?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 8:05 PM GMT
    It's ageism if a person does not want to talk to you or to be friends, based upon an age difference.

    However, it is not ageism if a person is not attracted or does not want a sexual/romantic relationship with an older person because of cultural differences or differences in shared experiences.

    People are attracted to that which they are attracted. That's the way it is. They no ore have a "duty" to be attracted to you just because you are attracted to them, any more than you should feel a "duty" to be attracted to someone to whom you are not.

    However, many guys on RealJock base their attraction (either physical and or for friendship) on how fit/energetic/engaged with life a person is, even with an age difference. I know...I am older than skipm and have made many younger friends here.

  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 03, 2007 9:05 PM GMT
    Hey Skjpm, you sound like a fairly balanced guy. Don't let society, gay or straight define your life. You can always do something. Start a club , move to another city, you always have options. I will be 43 this fall, I have a BF who is 31, I take good care of myself because that's something I want to do, not something I feel like I have to do. People will always judge you by your age, race, income etc. Don't let those judgements determine how you live your life. Remember in gay life most guys are over the hill at 30. As far as I'm concerned that's all BS!!!!! if someone doesn't like me because I'm black, gay and over 40, then that's their problem not mine, same goes for you Skjpm.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 9:28 PM GMT
    first it is not ageism if a person does not wish to talk to you or be your friend based on age difference, because its not just the age difference you have to think about. There is also life experience among other things. I personally have friends in their 50's and 60's but these arent the people i see every day, and I can understand where alot of people including my own parents think this is strange.

    I think alot of the problem might be skip painting himself the victim. He says he fells hes being treated poorly because of his age and then straight people treat him poorly because he is gay. If one walks around acting the victim all the time no one is going to want to talk to you. People want to be happy, and have a good time not spend all day hearing about ho poor and unfortunate you are.

    On top of this while there maybe ageism as you call it here, there is just as much of this ageism in the straight world. if a 45 yr old man hit on a 22 yr old girl she would probably ignore him and tell him to go to hell unless she was looking for a sugar daddy. same concept carries to the gay community. additionally trying to be friends with 22 yr olds is hard at 45 especially when you are first coming out. I'm 22 yes but I have been out for 5 years. I came out to the first people before I turned 18. you are coming out at 45ish. I didn't look at your exact age. so our experiences will be completely different and arent even comparable, let alone your experiences to as compared to my friends who came out at 12 and 14. Generally as stated by others the oh my god your gay too mentality goes away soon after coming out, and for us younger guys who are coming out younger and younger and finding larger communities it really doesnt last long.

    Lastly you talk about people obsessing over body image and ignoring you because you are over weight in the gay world. Have you stopped to think that this is possibly because you are on REALJOCK a GAY FITNESS COMMUNITY. the gay community actually has a large segment for men who are over weight and those that are interested in them, but a gay fitness community is not likely where you will find a chubby chaser. if you are interested in getting into shape that is cool but you should put that in your profile. there are some chubby and fat people on this site who i have a lot of respect for because they are doing things to get into shape and then contribute on the forums and ask for information. But if you come here as an over weight freshly out of the closet 45 yr old who just wants to find himself a hot young stud Im sorry thats not ageism or fatism or any ism its a fact of life that a) thats not likely and b)those guys would probably be looking somewhere other than a gay fitness community for there overweight daddy of choice.

    Also if you don't put anything on your profile but a small head shot and your age people aren't likely to respond especially if you send a message and all it says is your hot or something along those lines.

    I find the older guys on this site tend to have alot to contribute in many ways and do so on the forums and i have more than once told a guy hitting 40+ i think he is hot, but they are also in shape men who have been out for some time are contributing to a gay fitness community.

    I don't write any of this to be mean but more as a slight reality check
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    Jun 03, 2007 10:09 PM GMT
    It is a shame that a lot of people discriminate against you once you pass age 30, but theoretically, these are the shallow people we shouldn't care about anyway. Still, this is a noticeable trend, with little we can do about it.

    You are not powerless, however. I think it might be a matter of finding a new outlet for yourself if RealJock isn't fitting your current needs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 10:52 PM GMT
    Actually, there probably isn't that much ageism as you stick around. Still, I think that many guys who enter the gay community when they are older experience a "first wave" of younger gays who look them over and voice their opinion and move on. Once that negative wave is over, you start finding the second and third positive waves of people who tend to be less into immediate attraction.

    There were several years when I was really into working out. A lot of the conversation here reminds me of all that--and I'm looking for inspiration to get back into it as much as I was then. Lately, I've been focused on the intellectual, spiritual, and creative part of my life--but I think I'm getting ready to work on the physical as well. I'd probably feel better about myself, too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 10:54 PM GMT
    no one want -20 either :(
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2007 11:55 PM GMT
    As an aside, it's interesting to note that for many here homophobia is real but ageism is not. If I were to talk about discrimination I've faced because I was gay, everyone would agree--the problems I face because I'm older are because I paint myself as a victim. The gay community is intensely aware of when it is being discriminated against, but it doesn't seem as concerned about who it might be stereotyping and excluding. Excluding people because of things they can't help--either age or orientation--is not good, wherever it comes from.

    Also, in reference to the suggestion that another place besides Realjock might suit my needs. How often has a gay man who wanted to play football, join the military, become a priest, become a policeman, or even want to buy a house in a certain neighborhood, been told, "Sir, you might want to find a place which better suits your needs. You know, with your own kind." I think that some of the comments to me above border on this level of offensiveness.

    Oh, I'm sure I'm wrong. I'm too oversensitive and I just play the victim--you know, wanting to be treated equally regardless of who I am. You know me, waah, waah, waah. Pretty soon I'll be like one of those silly people who think it should be legal for me to marry. I need to accept the fact that I'm not like everyone here and just stay in my place, with my own people.
  • OptimusMatt

    Posts: 1124

    Jun 04, 2007 12:09 AM GMT
    Well, clearly.


    Ironically enough, your post DID cause me to realize that there actually WAS some ageism in my life, hahaha..

    There's this little twink queen who was really bitchy to me a few weeks ago, and I found out through facebook (hahaha) that the guy hadn't graduated HIGH SCHOOL yet - I was talking it over with some friends and was just like "Um, when you have that piece of paper proving you can read and/or write you can start passing judgement on me"

    I dunno - I won't sit here and dictate to you about how you should be feeling, but I will tell you that your point was an interesting one and I (a) thought about it AFTER I read it and (b) noticed it in my life.

    *shrugs* for what it's worth, no matter your age, we're all listening here.
    Well, at least I am, lol.
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    Jun 04, 2007 12:36 AM GMT
    I think this is very interesting. I also feel that most people have some sort of ageism. The youth are often irritated by 'controlling and over bearing' elders and those who are older are often irritated by 'foolish and flakey' youngins. So I feel this is something that is really a two way street. I will say I haven't noticed much of it here, I feel like for the most part everyone is free to be themselves here. I may have just made a profile but I read the forum quite a bit before joining.