Coming Out Later in Life - Thinking of Getting a Teacher

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2010 5:07 AM GMT
    I'm a regular member here, but I'm not brave enough to post this with my regular profile. This is the year I'm coming out and I've been making slow steps in that direction. My religious views have really opened up and I know guilt won't be rearing it's ugly head.

    I'm not angry that it took this long to come around, and the journey's been good for me, but I feel like I'm suddenly a virgin again. I've never messed around with guys, and some high-school-like insecurities have been manifesting now that I'm ready to jump in. Plenty of people have recommended just having a bad one-night stand to get it out of the way, but I wonder if there's a better way.

    Would it be strange to look for a guy or couple that just want to do some 'coaching', and help me pop the mental and physical cherry? I know some guys wouldn't want to go to the trouble, but I'm sure there's some guys that are a little turned on by innocence. I'm fortunate that I'm decent-looking and in good shape, so I've only got the awkwardness in the bedroom working against me. But, I feel like one good night where someone is vocally coaching me on do's and don'ts would go a long, long way.

    Is this a realistic idea, or am I being crazy?
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    Jul 20, 2010 5:12 AM GMT
    Well , if you're a regular on here with a profile etc, why not make a few RJ buddies in AZ where this profile says you are and ask them?

    We can't help because we're in Canada and monogamous, but will happily talk with you any time you like.

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    Jul 20, 2010 5:52 AM GMT
    lol, I recognise the high schoolishness... I still have it a bit when Im out meeting people, since Ive been in the straight community for so long, I only started making gay friends this year, as I was fed up with it.. and I find myself having to learn to socialise all over again LOL
    I think thats no problem what your requesting, you seem like a really nice guy, and very caring and thoughtful about the other person with such an honest request.... hell, if I werent such a virgin myself, I might have said yes icon_twisted.gif LOL

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 20, 2010 11:18 AM GMT
    It's not crazy at all
    But I think you're labeling it wrong
    You don't need a teacher You need a support base
    You need men and women who understand you and what you're going through
    No one can Teach you how to come out
    Every process is different and requires an individual decision
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Jul 20, 2010 12:23 PM GMT
    Porn can be a coach, right? I wouldn't go looking for a one-night stand, or an open relationship couple to show you the ropes. Just find some free video online.
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    Jul 20, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    You somehow got the idea that gay sex involves some arcane mechanics. It doesn't. You have the body parts and you know how they work. All you need is someone with whom there is mutual attraction and you will figure out what to do.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 20, 2010 12:38 PM GMT
    I don't think its odd or crazy... I think its your journey, do what makes the most sense to you and makes you comfortable. What you are suggesting does make sense. Just don't take any serious risks in the process.
    Think about what you are doing.... and have fun.

    Keep us updated on what you are doing and don't feel you have to keep it so
    anonymous. I think many here would applaud what you are doing.

    Good luck and congrats for taking the steps to make your life more rewarding.
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    Jul 20, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidPorn can be a coach, right? I wouldn't go looking for a one-night stand, or an open relationship couple to show you the ropes. Just find some free video online.


    That is how I learnt all my moves..
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jul 20, 2010 12:47 PM GMT
    no pic, no profile, single post within one day of joining rj... come on people, enough is enough
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 20, 2010 12:50 PM GMT
    calibro saidno pic, no profile, single post within one day of joining rj... come on people, enough is enough


    He said he is a regular, but doesn't want to use his usual profile because he indicated he isn't brave enough.
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    Jul 20, 2010 1:16 PM GMT
    I have a few friends who escort and this situation is not as rare as you think. Look in the local papers or take a 'de virginizing' trip to LA or FL or NYC after talking to a few pros in the field. They are hardworking men who can help you get 'over' the first time. The best thing about it.. you aren't paying for sex.. you are paying them to go away...seriously.. and then start your own path

    Good luck
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    Jul 20, 2010 1:32 PM GMT
    Bigsmiles saidI have a few friends who escort and this situation is not as rare as you think. Look in the local papers or take a 'de virginizing' trip to LA or FL or NYC after talking to a few pros in the field. They are hardworking men who can help you get 'over' the first time. The best thing about it.. you aren't paying for sex.. you are paying them to go away...seriously.. and then start your own path

    Good luck




    Worst advice EVER.

    Find a good, caring friend. You don't have to pay for anything except maybe a round of drinks.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    Coming out late means that you can find yourself trying to learn the ropes you probably should have been learning in your early 20s. That is not just physically, but emotionally too.

    Looking back, I think bigsmiles' advice may well help you on your way a little bit, but that's just sexual mechanics. When you do find yourself taking things a bit further, do not be afraid to tell the other person that you are relatively inexperienced. Most will find it quite endearing.
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    Jul 20, 2010 2:02 PM GMT
    I've been out less than a year. I just turned 44. It happened when it was right for me. I lucked out and found two LTR couples that literally took me under their wings and kept me out of trouble.
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    Jul 20, 2010 2:20 PM GMT
    hmmmmmm, where's theguynextdoor when you need him. Im sure he'd have some great advice on what to do. He listened to all of my nuttiness during the "omg, I'm not sure what to do" phase.


    (just find someone you like and the rest falls into place)
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    Jul 20, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    funny thread.. lol
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    Jul 20, 2010 3:13 PM GMT
    protege saidIs this a realistic idea, or am I being crazy?

    It's weakness lies in the chance factor, that the criteria you have set will be met. That may happen, or it may not.

    When I came out at nearly 46, much older than you, I simply said I'm going to have gay sex, and I will make that happen. I literally came out in a single day, and less than 3 weeks later I was having gay sex (VERY good sex, I might add). I made the arrangements online.

    You mention religion, which was not a factor for me, so I can understand some of your reluctance. Still, when I wanna do something I just do it, there's not a lot of soul-searching & drama involved. You can over-analyze yourself to death.

    I came out. I bought some books about gay sex, and checked online as well. (I'm obsessively methodical) I had an online gay "mentor" advising me, too, whom I later met in person, becoming good friends. I had my first gay sex, all planned out, and it was great, I mean REALLY great.

    Will your first time be great, like mine? I dunno. But the longer you hesitate at the edge of the water, sticking your toe in but afraid to take the plunge, the more pressure you put on yourself.

    It's just sex, ya know. Once you start you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. You seem to be setting yourself up for failure. My approach was to set myself up for success. I think you need to be more positive, stop analyzing, take charge, and just DO IT!
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jul 20, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    Wilton said
    protege saidIs this a realistic idea, or am I being crazy?

    It's weakness lies in the chance factor, that the criteria you have set will be met. That may happen, or it may not.

    When I came out at nearly 46, much older than you, I simply said I'm going to have gay sex, and I will make that happen. I literally came out in a single day, and less than 3 weeks later I was having gay sex (VERY good sex, I might add). I made the arrangements online.....
    I came out. I bought some books about gay sex, and checked online as well. (I'm obsessively methodical) I had an online gay "mentor" advising me, too, whom I later met in person, becoming good friends. I had my first gay sex, all planned out, and it was great, I mean REALLY great.

    Will your first time be great, like mine? I dunno. But the longer you hesitate at the edge of the water, sticking your toe in but afraid to take the plunge, the more pressure you put on yourself.

    It's just sex, ya know. Once you start you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. You seem to be setting yourself up for failure. My approach was to set myself up for success. I think you need to be more positive, stop analyzing, take charge, and just DO IT!



    MORE "real world common sense" advice and comments from this man!

    wilton and I "came out" at about the same age; my initial experices were much like what he describes above.

    a few years "down the road" now; i also don't what all the fuss was about.
    making love with my current bf seems as natural and comfortable to me as breathing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2010 3:38 PM GMT
    what wilton said.

    i came out late too...well, i was out earlier but went back in the closet then came back out...but i completely relate to the OP.

    when i came out i called up most of the friends i had made over the years who i knew were gay and asked them for advice. what i found out is that gay world is as big and diverse as the straight world. a couple of the guys i talked to simply talked about their exploits (which i gradually came to not believe any more than i believed some of the stories my straight friends came up with), a couple of guys had LTR and never went out and barely knew where the bars were, and then there was the guy who "took me under his wing," but seemed kinda creepy about it (he is in a LTR and i certainly didn't want to get in the middle of that).

    like wilton i got some books and went to school on the gay community. this site has helped some too.

    i am not having untold numbers of sexual encounters, but i am doing something i haven't done in years: begun to accept myself. to me, that is first and foremost to coming out.

    good luck to you! just remember that most advice is worth what you pay for it...and take everything you hear (even from your most trusted mentors) with a grain of salt.
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    Jul 20, 2010 5:32 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]rangard said[/cite]what wilton said.

    i came out late too...well, i was out earlier but went back in the closet then came back out...but i completely relate to the OP.

    when i came out i called up most of the friends i had made over the years who i knew were gay and asked them for advice. what i found out is that gay world is as big and diverse as the straight world. a couple of the guys i talked to simply talked about their exploits (which i gradually came to not believe any more than i believed some of the stories my straight friends came up with), a couple of guys had LTR and never went out and barely knew where the bars were, and then there was the guy who "took me under his wing," but seemed kinda creepy about it (he is in a LTR and i certainly didn't want to get in the middle of that).

    I never had sex with the LTRs. They were just very protective and didn't want to see me get taken advantage of. They are dear, dear friends of mine now.
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    Jul 20, 2010 6:16 PM GMT
    A lot of good advice aboveā€¦like Kansas said you have to find your own route.
    I do have to disagree with the Idea of learning the ropes.
    I will concede the ropes may look different but they are the same ropes.
    How awkward was it, the first time with a woman?
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    Jul 20, 2010 8:46 PM GMT
    Hnmm. Looks like you have gotten lots of good responses about the "life coaching" aspect about coming out.

    However, it seems to me that most are ignoring the bull in the closet, or whatever the metaphor is.

    You are not looking for life coaching per se, but also sexual surrogate coaching. You want someone with whom you can lose your virginity or if you are not a gay-virgin, to help you learn how to "do it right" sexually.

    Why would you need the latter? You just need to find a guy whom you like and whom you would like to have sex with? Is that so hard?

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    Jul 20, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    fastprof saidHnmm. Looks like you have gotten lots of good responses about the "life coaching" aspect about coming out.

    However, it seems to me that most are ignoring the bull in the closet, or whatever the metaphor is.

    You are not looking for life coaching per se, but also sexual surrogate coaching. You want someone with whom you can lose your virginity or if you are not a gay-virgin, to help you learn how to "do it right" sexually.

    Why would you need the latter? You just need to find a guy whom you like and whom you would like to have sex with? Is that so hard?



    heh...you said hard. heh heh...heh.
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    Jul 20, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    fastprof saidHnmm. Looks like you have gotten lots of good responses about the "life coaching" aspect about coming out.

    However, it seems to me that most are ignoring the bull in the closet, or whatever the metaphor is.

    You are not looking for life coaching per se, but also sexual surrogate coaching. You want someone with whom you can lose your virginity or if you are not a gay-virgin, to help you learn how to "do it right" sexually.

    Why would you need the latter? You just need to find a guy whom you like and whom you would like to have sex with? Is that so hard?



    Hmm cant say I think that is easy tho...
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    Jul 21, 2010 12:39 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice. Seems like it's not gonna be much different than just hitting on guys anyway. My biggest thing is that I just want the person to know what he's in for and I'd like some ability to keep it free of future obligations.

    But, it sounds like just being up front with something like this doesn't freak guys out, at least not around here, so that gives me some confidence to just go get the first few times out of the way.