Boyfriend was talking to others online. What should I do? (Long)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2010 10:36 PM GMT
    Ok, here is the brief background. I've been dating this guy for about a year, and I'm definitely falling in love (so is he). We met online, and obviously we both have some baggage in terms of previous people we've talked with online. I had a little more baggage as I'd been chatting online for years, but he said he had only been using dating sites for about 3 months. After meeting in person a few times we decided that we wanted to make it "official" and start a relationship. He made it abundantly clear that I couldn't go online anymore and talk with people (even people who were just friends) so I obliged and cut off ties with the online world.

    Recently, I was over his house to help him edit some photos he wanted to print. He left to pick something up at the store, and I noticed that he had left a gay dating website open, so naturally I investigated. I know that going through other people's email is a violation of their trust and probably wrong, but this was a website geared towards hooking up with people and I had to know what he was doing on there. Anyway, what I found were his emails to other people that dated back six years (even though he said he was online for three months). Also, there were several emails that had been sent out during the first four months of our relationship. Some of the emails contained nude photos of him and were very sexual, but it didn't appear like he met up with anyone in person. Also, it appears he stopped responding to emails after the first four months of dating me.

    It hurts me that he was talking with others online behind my back, but he has seemingly stopped for the last 8 months, and I don't think he physically "cheated" on me with someone. It also hurts that he lied about how long he was meeting people online and that he made me stop talking to friends online while he did it behind my back. I don't know how to approach this problem since I feel like I violated his trust by going through his personal emails behind his back. What should I do?
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    Jul 21, 2010 5:17 AM GMT
    Cutting yourselves off of online life was an very odd prerequisite, and I think you should stop that isolating practice (which you are by being here).

    Does the fact that he stopped 8 months ago not make you feel OK? If not, then you better fess up to him that you peeked and that though it was 8 months ago you feel bad. Your relationship should be based on open trust and frank communication, right? If it doesn't have that, what does it have that will give it longevity?

    What would his reaction be if you told him about this and how you feel?

    curious, -Doug
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    Jul 21, 2010 11:35 AM GMT
    Quite frankly, you're a fucking idiot, and I'd break up with you in two seconds flat if I were dating you.
    First, agreeing to stay offline is fucking stupid. The internet is very much a part of daily life.
    Second, you get pissed because your boyfriend talks to people online behind your back, so you go behind his back to ask people online what they think about him talking to people online.
    Third, nobody is going to live my life for me...not even a boyfriend. When that shit happens, I'm out the door.

    I don't feel sorry for you one bit.
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    Jul 21, 2010 12:12 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidQuite frankly, you're a fucking idiot, and I'd break up with you in two seconds flat if I were dating you.
    First, agreeing to stay offline is fucking stupid. The internet is very much a part of daily life.
    Second, you get pissed because your boyfriend talks to people online behind your back, so you go behind his back to ask people online what they think about him talking to people online.
    Third, nobody is going to live my life for me...not even a boyfriend. When that shit happens, I'm out the door.

    I don't feel sorry for you one bit.



    I don't either.

    1) He told a little white lie when you first started dating. WHAT A FUCKING SHOCK. He hasn't cheated on you, so drop the drama kick.

    2) Asking somebody to "cut off ties with the rest of the world" is unacceptable. NOBODY has a right to tell you not to talk to friends without a REALLY good reason (such as the friend tried to poison you).

    Time for you to change the rules. Get ahold of yourself!


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    Jul 21, 2010 12:29 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidQuite frankly, you're a fucking idiot, and I'd break up with you in two seconds flat if I were dating you.
    First, agreeing to stay offline is fucking stupid. The internet is very much a part of daily life.
    Second, you get pissed because your boyfriend talks to people online behind your back, so you go behind his back to ask people online what they think about him talking to people online.
    Third, nobody is going to live my life for me...not even a boyfriend. When that shit happens, I'm out the door.

    I don't feel sorry for you one bit.


    ^
    This
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2010 12:34 PM GMT
    ahem, same here, this is just being over dramatic mate.... WAY TOO much so...

    And yeah, kick, the "not online" rule will ya? whats nex? No more friends? no more parents or pets? How bout you jsut isolate yourselves in the house in order to keep the trust

    Basically, the issue here is clearly how much you are willing to trust eachother, which you will have to do, I may not know much about relationships, but I doubt it will work if you guys dotn trust eachother enough to have friends online and all... this goes for both of you....

    Hope you guys will find that much trust n one another icon_smile.gif

    Blessings to you both!
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    Jul 21, 2010 12:41 PM GMT
    What is with the recent glut of posts from people with no profile pictures, no description, and only one posting? I think someone is sending these out to see what kind of response will be generated. I don't think they are genuine, including this one.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 21, 2010 12:46 PM GMT
    How about this: You go him and say that you are going to have to kill the relationship because you have broken the rules and gone online to talk to guys on RealJock.

    Story over. You take responsibility. You avoid the drama. You get the chance to live by yourself and learn how to be a big boy.
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    Jul 21, 2010 12:57 PM GMT
    I agree with all mentioned above. He can come back on you calling you a crazy ass stalker. You messed up big time when you went behind his back talking to the people on-line whom he was talking with. That is just wrong.
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    Jul 21, 2010 4:52 PM GMT
    It is reprehensible to go pawing through someone's diary or computer. You crossed a line, and now you've got no peace, and you're all upset. The best thing you can do now is hope to God your b.f. doesn't fine out about your snooping, Gladys Kravets. Seriously, don't do this anymore............you'll just turn yourself into a needy, suspicious, jealous SINGLE guy without friends.
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    Jul 21, 2010 5:17 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidQuite frankly, you're a fucking idiot, and I'd break up with you in two seconds flat if I were dating you.
    First, agreeing to stay offline is fucking stupid. The internet is very much a part of daily life.
    Second, you get pissed because your boyfriend talks to people online behind your back, so you go behind his back to ask people online what they think about him talking to people online.
    Third, nobody is going to live my life for me...not even a boyfriend. When that shit happens, I'm out the door.

    I don't feel sorry for you one bit.


    bump

    also, I wouldnt put all my eggs in the basket in the beginning of a relationship. talking to other guys is ok..keeping his options open until he knew it was a good idea to get serious with you...4 months is pretty quick in the gay world
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Jul 21, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    Relationships are about trust, and if you don't have that you will never make it. It is also about individuality. Norm and I have been together for 22 years this month. I would never tell him that he can't do something. I don't own him, I am not his dad. We are adults and we make our own decisions. If I am doing something that bothers him we talk about it. For example, He was feeling uncomfortable with me posting my picture on RJ and he thought I was looking for some action on the side. We sat down and we talked about it. I reassured him that I still love him very much and am not looking for anything except guidance and friendship. After we talked he feels much better about it. He is fine with me being online with RJ now. The point is if you are feeling like something is wrong you need to be able to talk about it but you can't tell one another what you can and can't do. I would never go on to his computer to see what he is doing. That is just wrong. You are both wrong, one demanding, the other sneaky. Shame!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2010 5:26 PM GMT
    Don't do anything. If he's not messaged anyone in 8 months, then you are fine! If you say something then you are admitting to going through his personal things. Feel confident in knowing that he has given up on it. Besides, telling someone that you have only been using sites for a shorter time isn't crazy. People don't like looking vulnerable or lonely and online dating for that many years can paint a person that way.

    Just my opinion...do what you think is right.
  • Regina_Guy

    Posts: 406

    Jul 21, 2010 5:28 PM GMT
    Just like everyone else here, I see nothing wrong with what has happened in the past. Checking out dating sites four months into a relationship is no biggie. At that point, he was probably still trying to figure out if he was in a serious relationship or not. Four months is not very long to be dating someone.

    Personally, I would leave this one alone, If I was in your BF's shoes, I would be extremely disappointed in you for going through my personal emails, and violating my privacy.

    You've proven in your message that he most likely has never cheated on you, and stopped responding to emails from other people. If anything that should show you that this guy is really into you, and has no intentions on cheating.
  • TexanMan82

    Posts: 893

    Jul 21, 2010 5:36 PM GMT
    Don't go looking for things you don't want to find.
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    Jul 21, 2010 5:38 PM GMT
    This post sounds just like another post a pic-less profile started about going through someone's email/text messages. I call FAKE on this profile/post.
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    Jul 21, 2010 5:59 PM GMT
    How much do I love this post
    Geoedward saidRelationships are about trust, and if you don't have that you will never make it. It is also about individuality. Norm and I have been together for 22 years this month. I would never tell him that he can't do something. I don't own him, I am not his dad. We are adults and we make our own decisions. If I am doing something that bothers him we talk about it. For example, He was feeling uncomfortable with me posting my picture on RJ and he thought I was looking for some action on the side. We sat down and we talked about it. I reassured him that I still love him very much and am not looking for anything except guidance and friendship. After we talked he feels much better about it. He is fine with me being online with RJ now. The point is if you are feeling like something is wrong you need to be able to talk about it but you can't tell one another what you can and can't do. I would never go on to his computer to see what he is doing. That is just wrong. You are both wrong, one demanding, the other sneaky. Shame!

    22 years; that's like two life times in gay years
    where do I send the medals?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2010 6:45 PM GMT
    That's one great post Geoedward and so true.

  • Geoedward

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    Jul 21, 2010 7:36 PM GMT
    Thanks dustin and meninlove
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2010 7:44 PM GMT
    It was a white lie, so let it go.

    In the future, until you have a clearer idea of his character: Trust, but verify.
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    Jul 21, 2010 8:19 PM GMT
    I find it kind of sad that there is so much bashing towards this guy.. the op.. Whether it is a legitimate post or not, it's nice to see positive responses that are supportive in a sense of really wanting to help out. Yeah, I think it was wrong to go through your bf's email but geez! We're all human and make mistakes.. I know I've done things that I look back on and wonder what I was thinking but I honestly believe to be truly healthy, one must learn to forgive themselves before forgiving others.
    You need to free up and let him know that you broke his trust. Talk to him about everything.. If he gets upset and leaves you like some of these posters claim they would do, then it doesn't sound like a very solid relationship..

    Trust is a big issue for me but honesty is equally important. I usually feel like I don't have to worry about whether or not I should or can trust him if we are 100% honest with each other with everything we feel, think, and do..

    And that kind of brings me to my last point. I don't think any one should ever be told who they should and shouldn't talk to.. Again with the trust and honesty.. It's great to make new friends! Why not make them together and introduce each other to the ones you have and make more as you build your relationship? I'll assume he meant no online hookups and random camming.. that's a legit request for any relationship..

    I believe that we all continue to grow and learn regardless of our age and past experiences.. Hopefully you two can both learn something from this and grow individually and together in your relationship as well.
  • NashRugger

    Posts: 1089

    Jul 21, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidQuite frankly, you're a fucking idiot, and I'd break up with you in two seconds flat if I were dating you.
    First, agreeing to stay offline is fucking stupid. The internet is very much a part of daily life.
    Second, you get pissed because your boyfriend talks to people online behind your back, so you go behind his back to ask people online what they think about him talking to people online.
    Third, nobody is going to live my life for me...not even a boyfriend. When that shit happens, I'm out the door.

    I don't feel sorry for you one bit.

    I'll definetly agree with this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2010 8:30 PM GMT
    you are not official in relationship. Move on
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 21, 2010 9:05 PM GMT
    the time you wasted writting this you could of cut his dick off lmfao..just tell him you caught him and that you also have been talking to guys and then make out have rough sex until he calls u a bitch
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    Jul 21, 2010 9:08 PM GMT
    jjdayz saidThis post sounds just like another post a pic-less profile started about going through someone's email/text messages. I call FAKE on this profile/post.


    Thanks - I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this.