Trying to understand my emotions

  • JimJim

    Posts: 58

    Jul 22, 2010 1:48 AM GMT
    So recently I've been trying to extract lessons from a past dysfunctional relationship to help me as I date new people. One thing I'm trying to understand is the way I react emotionally to things. I know that emotions are illogical but there are I believe patterns and reasons for why we feel the way we do and there are proper ways to deal with them.

    So in a past relationship my boyfriend had cheated on me. I was very angry but chose to try and forgive him and mend the relationship. Before the cheating I was not at all possessive or clingy. I was usually genuinely happy for him whenever he had a chance to hang out with his friends or did well in his classes, etc. Overall I think I was a pretty damned good boyfriend who was always ready to help him out with whatever if he needed it.

    However, even though I forgave him for cheating and the act itself no longer bothered me my whole way of relating to him changed. In short, I began to hate the very fact that he had a life/existence outside of our relationship/me. I started to hate when he hung out with his friends and I hated that there were people he knew that I had never met. But it became a lot worse than that. I even on some level hated the fact that he had dreams and aspirations like the rest of us, even though before I was always encouraging him to do what it was he enjoyed. I disliked it when he did well in school too. Furthermore it was like any time he wasn't there with me, even if it were for something trivial like he was getting his haircut or had to do laundry it just irked me. I tried my best to hide these feelings from him but occasionally they inadvertently slipped out and caused problems.

    The relationship, clearly, did not last. But I have no idea why I became so negative towards him. I know it has to do with the cheating/loss of trust on some level, but I feel like that shouldn't have warranted the extreme emotional change towards him.

    I don't want to feel that way towards anybody ever again. It just felt very surreal and that experience has shown me that I need to get a better check on my emotions somehow.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 22, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    Here is my Dr. Phil moment:
    Honesty is just the best thing to do in these times. Did you talk to him? You know that you forgave him too soon. Things are too late now. Insecurity in your relationship turned into a lack of trust. Trust is sometimes impossible to gain. I don't need to tell you that you were still bitter over him cheating on you.
    Slowly that bitterness turned into the need for revenge and lashing out at him because it was left to fester. You felt he did not return your love for him, and it became jealousy, then hate. Forgive me, if I speak out of turn, but you feel that how could you not have been enough for him? It was a mark on you worthiness. Obviously, he felt that you forgave him, and that was that.
    Speaking to others lets you have the chance to, so to speak, vent. The other person becomes aware of your needs in the relationship. If they are invested in the relationship, the recognize your needs and realize the consequences of their actions. At the worst, you would have had a chance to scream a bit. At the best, you would have known his true standing with you.
    We all have these relationships that seep our souls out. It was a learning experience. At least, you understand yourself now, and are the better for it. Sometimes, it just helps to scream.
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    Jul 24, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    SO... first of all, I would like to know how word spread that every forum has to begin with the word "SO". Had to get that out.. it's been bugging me for quite a while.
    I think Carmine stated it well.. as usual... (what incredible insight this young man has!!) The bottom line is that you were NOT being honest with yourself when you said you forgave him for his little indiscretion. Bullshit!! It hurt..and it hurt like hell!!
    Emotions? Of course we ALL have emotions.. it's just part of being human. Without them we might as well be robots!! I think perhaps that you might have wished that this event didn't bother you...but if it didn't, you must not have cared much for him in the first place. I would have bitch-slapped this cheater into next year!!!

    ps.: Carmine, you ended a sentence with a preposition... now your job is to find it. See, you're human too! Super human, but still human!!! icon_lol.gif