Confused and need advice

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    Jul 22, 2010 6:48 AM GMT
    I need some advice. I am somewhat closeted. Out to most of my family but not at work or with most of my friends because I worry I could lose my job. But that’s not my issue. I don’t know how to explain the issue because it is contradictory to what I need or what works for me at this time in my life.

    I meet this guy who is extremely closeted and I am really just looking for hookups right now. But the issue is I have fallen hard for this guy. He is only looking for sex on a long term basis once a week. He gets what he wants and is gone until next time. This would be ideal for me normally but with him I want more. I think about him all the time, I get upset when he doesn’t respond to texts, and I just feel totally brokenhearted when he’s not there.

    What is even more confusing to me-he’s not my type. He is younger and shorter than me. But I am extremely attracted to him physically, emotionally, etc. So I guess he is my type just not what I thought my type was… Uggghhh! I am so confused-he has turned my world upside down!

    Is it better to just stop the hook ups or do I hope he wants more later?

    PS-I never have had this issue before with any other hookups… Have you ever had a similar situation?

    Please let me know if I need to clarify anything....
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    Jul 22, 2010 8:11 AM GMT
    I guess since I've gotten a little older I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be homeless than be a productive member of a bigoted company. If you can find the courage, come out at work. If you lose your job, fuck them...they're not the company for you anyway. If you go broke between jobs, it's just the price we sometimes pay (yes I've been there) and it can be overcome.

    As for the guy you're falling for, DON'T! Sounds like you're already "more out" than he is, so you'll just end up hurting yourself by falling for him...not to mention the physical hurt he could possibly place on you if you accidentally out him. Steer clear of closet cases if you're looking for something long-term. You will get hurt. Badly.
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    Jul 22, 2010 8:53 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidI guess since I've gotten a little older I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be homeless than be a productive member of a bigoted company. If you can find the courage, come out at work. If you lose your job, fuck them...they're not the company for you anyway. If you go broke between jobs, it's just the price we sometimes pay (yes I've been there) and it can be overcome.

    As for the guy you're falling for, DON'T! Sounds like you're already "more out" than he is, so you'll just end up hurting yourself by falling for him...not to mention the physical hurt he could possibly place on you if you accidentally out him. Steer clear of closet cases if you're looking for something long-term. You will get hurt. Badly.


    Thanks for responding paulflexes

    I am cool with work right now- I am a private person so not talking about my sex life at work doesn't bother me at all. But you make a valid point and I will have to think more about that.

    As far the guy- I don't mind hookups right now because not really looking for ltr right now. And I can't seem to deal with hooking up with this guy. I want more from him. I could so kick my own ass for falling for him! I guess I just need to figure out how to get over him and move on with my life. Easier said than done though.
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    Jul 22, 2010 8:58 AM GMT
    hryadm said... I guess I just need to figure out how to get over him and move on with my life. Easier said than done though.
    Ain't that the fucking truth! icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 22, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    hryadm saidI need some advice. I am somewhat closeted. Out to most of my family but not at work or with most of my friends because I worry I could lose my job. But that’s not my issue. I don’t know how to explain the issue because it is contradictory to what I need or what works for me at this time in my life.

    I meet this guy who is extremely closeted and I am really just looking for hookups right now. But the issue is I have fallen hard for this guy. He is only looking for sex on a long term basis once a week. He gets what he wants and is gone until next time. This would be ideal for me normally but with him I want more. I think about him all the time, I get upset when he doesn’t respond to texts, and I just feel totally brokenhearted when he’s not there.

    What is even more confusing to me-he’s not my type. He is younger and shorter than me. But I am extremely attracted to him physically, emotionally, etc. So I guess he is my type just not what I thought my type was… Uggghhh! I am so confused-he has turned my world upside down!

    Is it better to just stop the hook ups or do I hope he wants more later?

    PS-I never have had this issue before with any other hookups… Have you ever had a similar situation?

    Please let me know if I need to clarify anything....


    First thing, you need to like yourself and start being honest. That DOES NOT mean broadcast your sexuality. That does mean liking yourself and not being uptight about it. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. It's only sexual preference, and not the plague. Get it into the proper perspective. Unless you're fucking someone they don't need to know about your bedroom preferences.

    You have to move beyond being a coward, and step up to being true to yourself. Once you do that, the rest will fall nicely into place.

    Drama belongs in the theater and on tv, but, not in your life.
  • mtneerman

    Posts: 476

    Jul 22, 2010 9:14 PM GMT
    if not being out at work is not an issue to you, then why change it? it's not a matter of courage, or being true to yourself, it's about deciding what works best for your life. no one else has to live your life.

    as for the "hook up," if seeing him is causing you more problems than enjoyment stop seeing him. this should be fun for you, not cause you stress.
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    Jul 22, 2010 10:23 PM GMT
    Next hook-up, tell him how you feel about him and take things from there.

    If he is not interested in having you as his boyfriend, then the hook-ups should end or at least pause until you are over him.

    If he is interested, proceed with caution and communicate a lot about what is acceptable to him, what you expect from him etc.

    good luck.
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    Jul 22, 2010 11:03 PM GMT
    He just wants a hookup. You want more. In simple terms, this is not a good match. If it were me, I would stop contacting him and move on.

    If its an emotional connection with someone you crave, stop doing hookups and explore dating.

    If its just sex you want, find other dudes to hook up with.
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    Jul 23, 2010 3:37 AM GMT
    paulflexes, chuckystud, mtneerman, bernd & catfish5-Thanks everybody for your advice and input-I really appreciate the feedback

    chuckystud-Your right about being true to myself-I wasn't for a long time. But now I am. Because of where I live and certain responsibilities I have committed to- I can't be completely honest at work or even some of my friends right now. Someday I plan on moving to more gay friendly area but it is not in cards right now. It's not being a coward just the need to survive in place that doesn't approve of "my lifestyle choice" That's how people here view it as a "choice."
    Fortunately I have a very supportive family that loves me for me even if not all of them understand my lifestyle.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 23, 2010 6:23 AM GMT
    You're driving yourself crazy, wanting something that you apparently can't have.
    If I was in your place, I would enjoy the great sex for as long as possible, hoping that things would develop into something more.

    Do you meet at your place ?
    If so, make lunch or dinner for him and see how that goes.
    But, don't be surprised if he refuses and leaves right away.
    On the other hand, if he stays to eat, and you both have a pleasant conversation, "this could be the start of something big."
    Just don't have any expectations, beforehand.