Is this okay?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2008 4:43 PM GMT
    I've recently starting seeing someone, it's nothing terribly serious at all, but the way he talks sometimes you'd think it was headed somewhere serious fast. There's also insinuation that I'm the only person that there's any intent of seeing.
    At any rate, I've always been a bit of an insecure individual and the fact that the guy I'm interested in seeing was first encountered on manhunt isn't comforting. Of course, I had to be on there too in order for that to happen.
    Anyway, my curiousity(sp) gets the best of me at times and I log on and check out his ad on there to see that he logs in each day. Of course, I do too..but only to see if he does.
    Yeah, this pretty much makes me crazy, haha. It's just that I'm not sure if it's a good sign for someone who's allegedly interested in the evolution of our relationship into something long term and monogamous to be on "whorehunt" each day. Can someone shed some rationality on my quirky, phobic, paranoid mindset?
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    Feb 13, 2008 4:46 PM GMT
    maybe he is insecure and just doing what yuo are doing and posting this same question up on RiledJacks.com?

    Ask him its the only way you will know either way its not a good start if you are not building trust it looks like yuo are going in with preconceived ideas about where it will go.

    At the end of the day we all like windowshopping and no harm done in my books
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    Feb 13, 2008 4:53 PM GMT
    Thanks. It's not that I'm unaware that it's a bad idea to assume, It's just difficult not to, ha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2008 5:00 PM GMT
    we are human and concerns like that make us the passionate animals we are
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    Feb 14, 2008 3:11 AM GMT
    I have a friend who was in this same predicament. He thought he was being insecure and that his boyfriend wasn't seeing other guys and sleeping with them. They'd talk about it, and he would be reassured, but really the guy was sleeping with other guys behind his back and wanted my friend to participate in 3-ways with him when he was actually with him.

    I don't mean to scare you, nor to make you feel more insecure. Honestly, there are plenty of guys who actually would do things like you're doing, and not the way it happened with my friend. Although it makes me a bit squeamish to read what you wrote, I think that it's cute that you "stalk" your boyfriend and care that much about him... I can't believe he could want anything from someone else that you couldn't or wouldn't give him, and please believe in yourself enough to create what you don't already have in your life for yourself.

    God Bless you and be loved.
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    Feb 14, 2008 3:50 AM GMT
    yeah, there's really no way to know. you can ask him but he can lie, you can continue to check up on him on manhunt, but he could be doing the same thing with you...

    you could make a fake profile and contact him pretending to be someone else trying to hook up with him and see if he takes the bait, haha.
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    Feb 14, 2008 4:29 AM GMT
    You sound like two horny youngsters that have found each other. It's not like the odds are against that happening. I am amazed when any two young people get hitched so early.

    Don't take the whole thing seriously. My feeling is that first loves (for most people) do not last because you are just learning about relationships and just exploring anyway.

    When serious does come it will hit you in the head and grab your nuts and the same time. As far as your mindset, you are a normal, horny young guy.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Feb 14, 2008 4:43 AM GMT
    First things first:

    1. Curiosity does not have a "u"...you were close.

    2. Young love has everything going against it...it's tough and in most cases it doesn't work out...doesn't mean don't try...because that's how many of us learn...from our mistakes or through practice...

    3. "Get the sh*t kicked out of you by love"...[from LoveActually]...

    4. Tell the guy how it makes you feel when you see him logged on...you can start the conversation by asking him to "tell you something he would be afraid to tell you"...then you can reciprocate by telling him you're stalking his manhunt log-ins...

    5. Don't feed on the insecurity by tracking his every move...this is called "trust"...many of us have "trust issues"...I certainly have engaged in my fair share of stalking behavior...and the odd thing is...I usually already know the "thing" I am trying to find...trust your gut and your guy...in a good relationship they match!

    6. I do agree with some of the folks who say it could be harmless windowshopping...but if it makes you feel bad about yourself then is it worth it to you?

    much luck.

    - David

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    Feb 14, 2008 8:36 PM GMT
    I would suggest not over thinking this thing. Don't play mind games or try to insnare or trick your boyfriend into divulging his activities - online or in the flesh. Just ask him bluntly.

    Here's the scenario:

    You: Hey, I really like you. I want to make a real effort with our relationship. I think we should cancel our manhunt (gay.com, gaydar, etc) accounts and focus on each other. What do you think?

    Him (hopefully): I was thinking the same thing because I like you a whole lot also!

    Both of you: Go have sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2008 9:34 PM GMT
    I would say usually red flags and gut feelings are there for a reason. Don't dismiss them as you being "quirky, phobic, and paranoid". When we are looking to start a relationship with someone we are all that way. Don't beat yourself up. I love the saying, the guy worth crying for won't make you cry. Along the same lines, the guy worth trusting you will trust, because he won't make you question his actions.
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    Feb 14, 2008 9:38 PM GMT
    I don't see any reason why two guys who are right for each other cannot meet on "Manhunt". When I looked at your profile I noticed you were from Hammond, Louisiana a place I have never heard of. Are there other places where gay guys can meet and socialize? Perhaps "Manhunt" is the best alternative. If you have a lot in common and really dig each other then see what happens. And don't stew too much about being a bit insecure, I think it is pretty common for a 19-year old!
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    Feb 14, 2008 9:49 PM GMT
    If you choose to trust him, then it's up to him to maintain that trust by being honest. If, however, you don't trust him, then there's nothing he'll ever be able to do or not do that will matter. Your insecurity will doom the relationship. You've really got two choices, get over it (your insecurity) or get out of it (the relationship.)
    I've suffered this and found it so emotionally draining to spend so much effort trying to gain the trust of someone who didn't trust me. Though I was honest, it didn't matter. Eventually it eroded everything in the relationship.
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    Feb 14, 2008 10:55 PM GMT
    I have to agree with bgcat57 as well as ActiveAndFit.

    First, if your going to be with a guy you should trust him and if you don't then there's a reason for that (unless you're totally nuts, in which case seek professional help... :winkicon_smile.gif

    Second, You're young so don't take everything so seriously when it comes to relationships. Enjoy the moment and learn from it, of course always being safe with your sexual exploits... At worst you'll go through a few guys and have some fun experiences, at best you may actually meet someone who becomes a life partner.

    Good luck!


  • USMCjock

    Posts: 89

    Feb 15, 2008 5:26 AM GMT
    What I usually do at this point- especially being that today is St. Valentine's Day (anniversary of the Valentine's Day Mascara) is I put his pet bunny rabbit in a pot of boiling water on his stove. If his priorities are sound, he loves me more. If a dumb, furry thing with a twitchy nose and long naked ears is more important to him, well...

    Just kidding! I'm not a psycho killer, I'm a US Marine! (Okay, I'm a psycho killer!)...

    If you guys get serious, for SURE delete both of your accounts. The internet has ruined more relationships than the men's room at MPLS-STPaul airport! But stay on RealJock!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2008 12:19 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate it. As far as young love goes, yeah, I'm young. He on the other hand is over thirty..so not so young for him. Well, thanks again for the responses.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 16, 2008 12:35 AM GMT
    You know, it sounds like you already know what's what. You're a realist. First, I think I've posted a few times about the difficulties of finding someone. It takes some effort for us gays sometimes. And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what you're interested in), websites like Manhunt are more numerous than more social sites like RealJock. But, that said, men can be whores. Younger guys perhaps moreso.

    I definitely would stop obsessing on how often he logs into Manhunt as a gauge, because it really doesn't tell you anything. Spending time with him and seeing how available he is to spend time with you are probably better gauges. If you go out for drinks or dinner and he's constantly checking email, etc. or he's rescheduling dates, or just acting sketchy in general are good indications he's got something else going on. But, again we're gay, and until you two swear that you're only dating each other, you shouldn't assume you're the only one he's spending time with. It could be 1 or 2. It could be 10 other guys. You may never know.

    You can only really judge him by his actions and whether his words back them up (when the two don't seem to match, I go with what their ACTIONS tell me). You seem like you might have a good head on your shoulders. Trust your instincts on these types of things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    wow...I'm glad I checked this thread...otherwise I wold never have run across Navy96...holy hot stuff, batman!

    uh..and about the manhunt thing...ummmm

    I got nothing, sorry.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2008 12:46 AM GMT
    tommysguns2000 saidwow...I'm glad I checked this thread...otherwise I wold never have run across Navy96...holy hot stuff, batman!

    uh..and about the manhunt thing...ummmm

    I got nothing, sorry.




    SO with you on THAT one!!! WOW!! Hubba Hubba!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2008 2:05 AM GMT
    I agree with Drew and Navy.

    Ask him if he wants to be serious and focus on the just the two of you. There by removing all the sex-site profiles.

    If he agrees then great, otherwise if he gets angry, suggests that you don't trust him, then most likely he can't be trusted and just doesn't have the balls to say he's not ready for a commitment. In which case I'd leave him.

    Insecurities about any topic are the body's response that something is not right. Trust your instincts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2008 11:37 AM GMT
    Navy96, I suggest taking cover in the foxhole now. LOL
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    Feb 17, 2008 10:08 PM GMT
    GHew saidThanks for all the responses, I appreciate it. As far as young love goes, yeah, I'm young. He on the other hand is over thirty..so not so young for him. Well, thanks again for the responses.


    Uuuhhhhh....this new info makes me even more wary....

    Agreed though, you definitely need to talk to him and be 100% upfront about your thoughts/expectations and tell him you're expecting the same forthrightness from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 03, 2008 12:15 AM GMT
    You know of course this represents something that should be handled sooner then later.

    That being said, be open to considering all the possibilities. He may just be checking emails. Seriously I've logged on to check messages with absolutely no intention of hooking up with anyone.

    Second possibility, if he is the one talking about this thing seriously and you're feeling its nothing serious at all, maybe he's keeping his options open cause he thinks you might not really be into him, might be insecure that you aren't going to be serious because of his age, etc, and because he's not getting the serious vibe from you, he's keeping the door open.

    The other possibilities include of course that he is a serial hook up artist and is just out to play any young tail that he can continue to get. He may be checking on your activity. He might be checking on someone else. The possibilities are endless.

    I think the most important thing is to establish the ground rules right at the start and the most important of those should be no game playing. Confront the situation honestly and directly. Something along the lines of hey we should talk. Since you've been indicating that you want this to be something serious, I've been a little worried that we met on manhunt. For me to be comfortable with this going anywhere, I need to know that you're not continuing to shop on manhunt. Everyone knows that manhunt has a lot of whores that will do anyone, and if he is worth spending one more minute on, he will understand and should even be flattered that you're taking this seriously enough to demand that mutual monogamy.

    If this doesn't go over well, move on, it probably will never work. If it does go well, problem solved and intentions and directions, as well as ground rules are all clarified and that can make all the difference in the world. Either way, you win by addressing this directly and honestly.

    Just my two cents...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2008 6:05 AM GMT
    Gigaram said[quote][cite]GHew said[/cite]Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate it. As far as young love goes, yeah, I'm young. He on the other hand is over thirty..so not so young for him. Well, thanks again for the responses.


    Uuuhhhhh....this new info makes me even more wary....

    Agreed though, you definitely need to talk to him and be 100% upfront about your thoughts/expectations and tell him you're expecting the same forthrightness from him.[/quote]

    Though I'd love to say and mean that everyone can be trusted, this new information makes me even less optimistic about this situation. It might take only a good once around to learn what is to be learned about this... icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think it's okay for you to feel the way you do, but I sure do hope I'm wrong about why you feel that way...
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    Mar 08, 2008 6:25 AM GMT
    bgcat57 said
    ...I've suffered this and found it so emotionally draining to spend so much effort trying to gain the trust of someone who didn't trust me. Though I was honest, it didn't matter. Eventually it eroded everything in the relationship.


    Right on...

    I also sometimes leave my computer on and connected to the internet and signed into places where I check information regularly; things aren't always the way they look.