dating a hiv pos. man


  • Jul 24, 2010 9:10 PM GMT
    just wanted to get some opinions on dating/seeing a hiv pos man. im in the military and met this guy online. he was upfront w/me about his statues and always honest about everything. we've been seeing each other for about three weeks now and have always been safe. would appreciate some feedback and if anyone has been in the same situation.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 24, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    Most of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.
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    Jul 24, 2010 9:20 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.
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    Jul 24, 2010 9:23 PM GMT
    Honestly... I couldn't do it, so I definitely give you big props dude.

    That being said, just remember nothing is 100% positive... I have a friend that, he used a condom and his wife was on birth control... and even though they had a 99.99% chance of nothing happening, his wife still got pregnant (condom ripped a little and birth control...is only 99.99% effective). ...so you just never know for certain.
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    Jul 24, 2010 9:28 PM GMT
    devilish_intentions said
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.


    His point is that u never know who is HIV+ or not, protected sex with a guy HIV+ is not in any way less safe than having sex with a guy who u dont even know he is HIV+, actually, probably he doesnt even know himself. HIV+ guys who are are sincere about it, most likely care about you and will take more precautions, on the other hand...

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    Jul 24, 2010 9:30 PM GMT
    charlitos said
    devilish_intentions said
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.


    His point is that u never know who is HIV+ or not, protected sex with a guy HIV+ is not in any way less safe than having sex with a guy who u dont even know he is HIV+, actually, probably he doesnt even know himself. HIV+ guys who are are sincere about it, most likely care about you and will take more precautions, on the other hand...



    I don't think that was his point, he said-- Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    You'll have nothing to worry about?, sorry but that's a blatant lie.
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    Jul 24, 2010 9:39 PM GMT
    I have a friend who only tells the person he has HIV if they ask him. I try to tell him to be open and honest even if they don't ask, but he doesn't care. Even worse he also has a alot of unprotected sex without a condom with others, and doesn't tell them. He always say "it's unlikely for a top to get HIV". I think many guys with HIV are the same way, because clearly it's spreading, and I doubt anyone's seriously looking to catch it.
  • Import

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    Jul 24, 2010 9:55 PM GMT
    I could never be with someone who is HIV +

    call me shallow, superficial, ignorant, whatever. I don't care.
    I would not be able to have sex as my dick would never get hard because all I would be thinking is "omg, he's positive"

    No offense to positive people, but I would not even wanna risk contracting HIV over an orgasm. Not worth it to me.
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    Jul 24, 2010 10:46 PM GMT
    devilish_intentions said
    charlitos said
    devilish_intentions said
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.


    His point is that u never know who is HIV+ or not, protected sex with a guy HIV+ is not in any way less safe than having sex with a guy who u dont even know he is HIV+, actually, probably he doesnt even know himself. HIV+ guys who are are sincere about it, most likely care about you and will take more precautions, on the other hand...



    I don't think that was his point, he said-- Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    You'll have nothing to worry about?, sorry but that's a blatant lie.


    That is NOT a lie. His point is exactly as it is written. I only know of two friends who do what I would do in any relationship and that is no unprotected sex until we both get tested at the same time at the same center and see our results at the same time. Yea that is going overboard a bit, but that is me. Your argument is nothing but semantics and you are stirring in fear. There is absolutely no need for that. And that is one of the most ridiculous problems between positive and negative guys: Bogus wording and fear of the communication by having that conversation. Webster is indeed correct. But at the end of the day, it is everyone's individual decision to date someone who is positive or not. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for not knowing how to get HIV and not. And there is absolutely no reason not to date someone who is HIV+. Just have the damn conversation and educate yourself. No, I am not positive, but I am sick of the blatant attacks against my buddies who are and it needs to stop.

    Rant over.
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    Jul 24, 2010 11:04 PM GMT
    ErikTaurean said
    devilish_intentions said
    charlitos said
    devilish_intentions said
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.


    His point is that u never know who is HIV+ or not, protected sex with a guy HIV+ is not in any way less safe than having sex with a guy who u dont even know he is HIV+, actually, probably he doesnt even know himself. HIV+ guys who are are sincere about it, most likely care about you and will take more precautions, on the other hand...



    I don't think that was his point, he said-- Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    You'll have nothing to worry about?, sorry but that's a blatant lie.


    That is NOT a lie. His point is exactly as it is written. I only know of two friends who do what I would do in any relationship and that is no unprotected sex until we both get tested at the same time at the same center and see our results at the same time. Yea that is going overboard a bit, but that is me. Your argument is nothing but semantics and you are stirring in fear. There is absolutely no need for that. And that is one of the most ridiculous problems between positive and negative guys: Bogus wording and fear of the communication by having that conversation. Webster is indeed correct. But at the end of the day, it is everyone's individual decision to date someone who is positive or not. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for not knowing how to get HIV and not. And there is absolutely no reason not to date someone who is HIV+. Just have the damn conversation and educate yourself. No, I am not positive, but I am sick of the blatant attacks against my buddies who are and it needs to stop.

    Rant over.


    I wasn't attacking anyone cuz noone contracts HIV cuz they want (except for bug chasers) but what you said "that is no unprotected sex until we both get tested at the same time at the same center and see our results at the same time" isn't completely safe either cuz u have to wait 6 months after u had sex for the last time and then go get tested with your partner cuz when u contract HIV it doesn't show up in the tests immediately.
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    Jul 24, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    It is still nothing more than a semantical argument. In this day and age, that is still absolutely no reason not to know how it is contracted and the timeline of standard testing to confirm is 3 tests over 18 months. Again, if you (meaning anyone) doesn't want to date someone JUST because he is positive, that is your business. However, it does not serve the greater good of the community to spread fear or paranoia, no matter what dressing you put on it.
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    Jul 24, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    curious_athlete said...would appreciate some feedback and if anyone has been in the same situation.

    Yes, I've answered this question many times, but that's OK, I see you don't post here a lot. We lived together 2 years, and our sex included me being the bottom, as well as blowing him, always with a condom on him. He also blew me and did manual on me, as I did with him, no condom. I am still negative.

    Now the downside, to give you an honest picture. After about 12 years with HIV, and being in good health under doctors care and having excellent "counts," he suddenly developed an incurable AIDS condition called PML. He was dead within 6 weeks in 2004.

    Even with improvements in HIV treatment there remains the risk of some opportunistic disease striking from the blue at any time. There are much better prospects today for a long life than ever before, but there's no guarantee. At the same time, I am seeing survival rates commonly into the high teens now, with the expectation they will continue to improve.

    I see no reason not to date him if you are being safe. Actually, I think your risk from doing this while in the US military is greater than your risk from HIV. A longer-term commitment should be entered with your eyes open. I did, and I didn't regret it.
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    Jul 24, 2010 11:18 PM GMT
    Besides, anyone reading what someone posts on here shouldn't take what someone writes (anyone including me) as the truth, you should go to a reliable source like http://aids.gov/ or http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/ .
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    Jul 25, 2010 12:36 AM GMT
    devilish_intentions said
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.


    The statistics of getting hit by a falling airplane when you step outside of your house are higher than contracting HIV when you use a condom properly.

    Be sure not to leave your house! It might be dangerous!

    But wait... most deaths happen inside the house by way of house hold accidents! Oh noez! What ever will you do? You can't leave, you can't stay... O_O
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    Jul 25, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    kudos to the guy for being upfront with you, regarding his status
    at least u know from the start what your getting into
    and he is up to date as what it means to have hiv and live with it
    he also probably knows how not to pass it on and wil take every precausion to make sure he doesn,t pass it on

    is it a safe bet ? no it never is
    does it mean your gonna get it?
    no you could, but then again anybody can, if their not careful
    sex is sex

    it just depends as to whether u have safer sex or not
    and what you understand by safer sex is up to you
    between the 2 of you, im sure u can figure out what works for u

    living with a hiv+ guy doesn,t mean your going to out live him
    or that he,s going to be sick all the time
    with him going to see his doctors and being on treatment his health is probably better in check then yours is
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jul 25, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    I dated a guy who found out he was HIV+ about 7 months into our relationship.
    When he told me the only thing I thought about was him and what he was going through. Leaving him didn't even cross my mind because he was still the same great guy I was falling for. A few months later the relationship ended anyway, I think HIV was at the root of it; but it was an issue for him not me.

    Between the snipes and bitching that goes on in the forums you can, if you look hard enough, find some good advice.

    We'd always had safe anal sex from day one, although the condom broke once; before we knew he was HIV+, but when it came to oral we didn't use protection and both swallowed.
    I'm negative, statisicaly I was at low risk but in relaity I was lucky. I could have contracted HIV from him just like I could if I went out tonight and had sex with a stranger who didn't know his status. In some ways it's even more risky doing the latter. Knowing the risks means you can be more careful but my ex was pretty careful and he still ended up HIV+.

    The other question to think about is are you looking for something long term or just seeing where things go?
    As a previous poster mentioned: even though the drugs are getting better and HIV+ guys can lead pretty "normal" lives there maybe psychological risks later down the road for both of you, if/when he gets sick (again anyone can develop serious illness but those with HIV are already at a greater risk)

    I wouldn't choose to date a HIV+ guy again but not due to the risks to my health but due to the fear of one day watching them slowly slip away.
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    Jul 25, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    Import saidI could never be with someone who is HIV +

    call me shallow, superficial, ignorant, whatever. I don't care.
    I would not be able to have sex as my dick would never get hard because all I would be thinking is "omg, he's positive"

    No offense to positive people, but I would not even wanna risk contracting HIV over an orgasm. Not worth it to me.


    just don't ask the other guy his status.... That way you won't know and can 'stay hard'.
    .
    .
    .
    .

    now that you've had a moment to analyze how absurd your original comment was, let me just say.... You have had and will have sex with poz guys. It's the ignorance about the other person's status that apparently allows you to 'perform'. It's within sexual encounters like those I posit you have that most new HIV infections occur.

    Not really trying to pick on you, but you are a 'stand in' for the attitude so many (usually younger) guys have.
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    Jul 25, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    Hokenshi saidI dated a guy who found out he was HIV+ about 7 months into our relationship.
    When he told me the only thing I thought about was him and what he was going through. Leaving him didn't even cross my mind because he was still the same great guy I was falling for. A few months later the relationship ended anyway, I think HIV was at the root of it; but it was an issue for him not me.

    Between the snipes and bitching that goes on in the forums you can, if you look hard enough, find some good advice.

    We'd always had safe anal sex from day one, although the condom broke once; before we knew he was HIV+, but when it came to oral we didn't use protection and both swallowed.
    I'm negative, statisicaly I was at low risk but in relaity I was lucky. I could have contracted HIV from him just like I could if I went out tonight and had sex with a stranger who didn't know his status. In some ways it's even more risky doing the latter. Knowing the risks means you can be more careful but my ex was pretty careful and he still ended up HIV+.

    The other question to think about is are you looking for something long term or just seeing where things go?
    As a previous poster mentioned: even though the drugs are getting better and HIV+ guys can lead pretty "normal" lives there maybe psychological risks later down the road for both of you, if/when he gets sick (again anyone can develop serious illness but those with HIV are already at a greater risk)

    I wouldn't choose to date a HIV+ guy again but not due to the risks to my health but due to the fear of one day watching them slowly slip away.


    anyone you are with long-term will 'slowly slip away'... It's called death... And we all do it.
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    Jul 25, 2010 1:41 AM GMT
    curious_athlete saidjust wanted to get some opinions on dating/seeing a hiv pos man. im in the military and met this guy online. he was upfront w/me about his statues and always honest about everything. we've been seeing each other for about three weeks now and have always been safe. would appreciate some feedback and if anyone has been in the same situation.
    If the guy is awesome and you like him enough to possibly fall in love, DO SO.
    As for the 'devilish idiot' poster here and the rest of the ignorant assholes, ignore them. follow your HEART and your intelligence.. be educated on how a poz guy deals with it and ENJOY your time with him.

    Neg guys DIE in accidents daily. so do poz guys.
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jul 25, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    "anyone you are with long-term will 'slowly slip away'... It's called death... And we all do it."

    True, but there is a major difference between growning old together and coming to terms with it than facing it over a period of time where there are drugs and serious bouts of illness involved especially if you yourself aren't ill.

    Watching my father die of cancer, with the hospital visits, drugs and withering away, is not the same as it would have been to watch him age and die of natual causes.

    As I mentioned; anyone can get sick, but if you're dating someone who has HIV then you are more likely to have to face those horrible situations.
  • ScreamShatter

    Posts: 40

    Jul 25, 2010 1:51 AM GMT
    devilish_intentions said
    charlitos said
    devilish_intentions said
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    That's not true, there's no such thing as safe sex it's safer sex so the chances are slim but if you have safer sex with someone HIV+, you can still contract HIV.


    His point is that u never know who is HIV+ or not, protected sex with a guy HIV+ is not in any way less safe than having sex with a guy who u dont even know he is HIV+, actually, probably he doesnt even know himself. HIV+ guys who are are sincere about it, most likely care about you and will take more precautions, on the other hand...



    I don't think that was his point, he said-- Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    You'll have nothing to worry about?, sorry but that's a blatant lie.


    You're an idiot. 1 in 4 gay men are HIV+. It's a part of our community that you just have to deal with.

    Sex, in general, has risks. It doesn't matter if it is hetrosexual, homosexual, anal, vaginal, oral, etc. So if you're that scared of getting HIV, then don't have sex.

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    Jul 25, 2010 2:00 AM GMT
    Hokenshi said"anyone you are with long-term will 'slowly slip away'... It's called death... And we all do it."

    True, but there is a major difference between growning old together and coming to terms with it than facing it over a period of time where there are drugs and serious bouts of illness involved especially if you yourself aren't ill.

    Watching my father die of cancer, with the hospital visits, drugs and withering away, is not the same as it would have been to watch him age and die of natual causes.

    As I mentioned; anyone can get sick, but if you're dating someone who has HIV then you are more likely to have to face those horrible situations.


    - cancer IS a 'natural cause' of death
    - there is no guarantee that you will get to 'grow old' with your partner
    - the act of aging, hypertension, lipid abnormalities, cancer, heart disease, cataracts... you get the picture... all require drugs, doctor visits, hospital visits, et al

    you're a little young to get it I suppose... and still idealize sitting on the porch growing old together... i love the romanticism, but alas it's not real life.

    btw, the average duration of remaining life for a 25-yr old newly diagnosed with HIV infection is around 42.9 years... i.e. a total of 67.9 years. We in the healthcare community are working hard to make it longer. now that doesn't mean you should let down your guard about HIV, but if you are sexually active there are at least ten other viruses and a bunch of other diseases that are a whole lot easier to get than HIV. be wise.
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Jul 25, 2010 2:17 AM GMT
    I admit that I'm at an age where dying from anything doesn't cross my mind. Again you're right about as we get older hospital visits and drugs are a likely scenario.

    But for me I wouldn't choose to enter into a relationship in which there is an increased risk of it mimicing the one my parents had. Saying that if I was dating a guy and he discovered he had HIV I would assume my reaction would be the same as last time.

    Death is a fact of life and anyone can go at anytime, I know this but seeing someone I love take a cocktail of drugs everyday in order to prolong their life would be a painful reminder...it's not something I would relish having to see for a second time.

    Rather than paint the picture that "dating a HIV+ guys makes you as good as HIV+" I wanted to mention another aspect. Namely that you can have an amazing relationship with a HIV+ guy, fall in love etc but there is another factor, other than being hit by a bus, plane crash or anything else, which could lead to it all being cut short.

    Yeah ideally I would like to go in my sleep at the same time as my partner ut I am fully aware that it's not going to happen...I guess I've had to face people dying enough in my life already and not having to think about anyone I care about going, although somewhat delusion, is something I'd like to hold on to for as long as possible.
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    Jul 25, 2010 2:28 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidMost of my boyfriends have been HIV+.
    So, what ?

    Assume that everybody is HIV+, always have safe sex, and you'll have nothing to worry about.

    If I had ruled out all HIV+ men, I would have missed out on some pretty wonderful guys.


    well said
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    Jul 25, 2010 2:32 AM GMT
    Hokenshi saidI admit that I'm at an age where dying from anything doesn't cross my mind. Again you're right about as we get older hospital visits and drugs are a likely scenario.

    But for me I wouldn't choose to enter into a relationship in which there is an increased risk of it mimicing the one my parents had. Saying that if I was dating a guy and he discovered he had HIV I would assume my reaction would be the same as last time.

    Death is a fact of life and anyone can go at anytime, I know this but seeing someone I love take a cocktail of drugs everyday in order to prolong their life would be a painful reminder...it's not something I would relish having to see for a second time.

    Rather than paint the picture that "dating a HIV+ guys makes you as good as HIV+" I wanted to mention another aspect. Namely that you can have an amazing relationship with a HIV+ guy, fall in love etc but there is another factor, other than being hit by a bus, plane crash or anything else, which could lead to it all being cut short.

    Yeah ideally I would like to go in my sleep at the same time as my partner ut I am fully aware that it's not going to happen...I guess I've had to face people dying enough in my life already and not having to think about anyone I care about going, although somewhat delusion, is something I'd like to hold on to for as long as possible.


    a 'cocktail' of drugs may be needed for anyone to remain well as you age... You don't have to be HIV+ to need medications.

    You seem fearful of taking a risk at love because of your concern about your potential partner's health... The point I'm trying to make is that that's a risk with anyone. What if a person you had fallen in love with developed diabetes, or got testicular or colon cancer, or lost his arm in a car wreck, or had a stroke, blah, blah. You can't ask for a health resume before you get married, although I suppose you could try.

    Maybe instead of approaching life in a 'preventive' manner so you don't get hurt, you should just dive in with the knowledge that shit (and loss) happens. You're too young to be approaching life so tentatively :-)