TOO INTENSE FOR MY OWN GOOD?

  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jul 25, 2010 3:42 AM GMT
    Well, I'm back. That was RJ's shortest exit and return, no doubt.

    For somebody who really isn't geared for drama, frankly, I fucked up, big time and the result was ....drama, of my own fucking making.

    It's SO hard to tell this story on myself, but I really have to or I'm never going to find my center of gravity, if you will.

    Suffice it to say that I met a guy who was very enthusiastic and interested, even took his RJ profile down to say "I want to focus on you". So I took mine down. And thus begins the mess.....

    Five days later he is texting me to stop dreaming about something that's only five days old and that it's too intense and too overwhelming for him. And that I'm trying to force my romantic fantasies on an impossible situation.

    Before you say anything, take heed - He's probably right. That's the scary part. I've discovered that I'm a bit of a quick-to-dive-into-the-deep-end guy, and that I don't really know how to go slow and take things one step at a time. I'm not so sure that's okay. My ex says of me "your single greatest asset is your single greatest liability - you're very intense and you're an all or nothing guy." I can't really help myself. But am I just desperate for love, rather than smart or balanced?

    In fact, 16 and a half years ago, when we first met, my ex and I that is, we spoke for about two or three hours on the phone a couple of nights, then finally met in person and we moved in together VERY fast (so fast that I was afraid to tell friends for fear they'd have me locked up...seeiing a pattern, yet?) We actually didn't spend a single night apart except for the brief six days we went home to each other's families for Christmas (we met ten days prior) and then afterwards didn't sleep apart from each other for two years. It was incredibly sudden, but so amazing.
    And we worked, we really did work, and something that went wrong that we couldn't fix in the end had nothing to do with the intensity of us, but with other things about which I've written here once before ...but what I THINK has happened since dating again, starting back in January, is not simply that I've been trying to find the same passion but also the same intensity as I found sixteen years ago.

    I had a good shot with this guy, this "burned too bright too fast" guy on whom I pinned WAY too much, too soon. And because of that - he got flooded with a feeling that I can honestly understand, that of a sort of desperate guy whose intensity was probably unrealistic.

    The issue is not how to fix it, but how to live with what I can't really help - that I'm exceedingly hopeful, and exceedingly passionate, and very much an open book from the outset, and I don't hedge bets. I'm pretty goddamned intense from the start, and I wish it were other than - but it's essentially who I am, how I feel, how I work, how I .....live. And I can sustain it, but I'm afraid most guys just can't. And I am now understanding just how overwhelming I can be. It's kinda ugly.

    So, tail between my legs, I'm back and I'm feeling very foolish, very old, and very broken.

    And glad just to have given something a shot. What I'll have learned remains to be seen.

    Humbly yours.
    MCB
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 4:06 AM GMT
    I hate that I’m happy and sad all at the same time.
    I’m not truly understanding, is it completely over or are you slowing down?
    He is the one that took down his profile first…tells me he was moving just as fast.
    Speaking as a fellow dive-in-the-deep-end, I commiserate with it being a curse and a gift.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 25, 2010 4:15 AM GMT
    Wow that was a short exit. Don't feel foolish. Yeah that intensity for someone can be a double edged sword. I don't know...maybe focus that intensity on other things so you don't smother a guy. Easier said than done. I know when I'm feeling a guy, I want to talk with him every free minute I have, even if he has other things he needs to do. I don't think that part of you will ever completely go away.

    Selfishly I'm glad you're back though.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jul 25, 2010 4:58 AM GMT
    Thanks, guys. I'm so glad I'm back.

    My darling Doug-Men-In-Love just talked me back to "home" in the most loving and profoundly kind way.

    Dustin, the fire is out. Alas. It's okay, I just overwhelmed the lad. So, there it is. And Midas, I SO dance to the "every free minute" waltz, so here we go, boys ---- one two three, one two three, one two three.

    I am home again.
    xo
    r.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 5:37 AM GMT
    lol Muscle, you sweetie you, you were just following his lead.

    As for being intense, you and I and Bill survived the plague years and lost too many who never a chance to be intense.

    Intense..hmmm...it seems to me, and Bill, that if you know how to swim well, you'd likely forgo the kiddie end of the pool and use the diving board when hitting the pool.

    In any case we're glad to have you back!


    xo -your meninlove


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    Sorry if this is just banal, but next time you should NOT take down your RJ profile immediately. Even once you promise someone to forsake all others, keeping your own social life intact is healthy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 6:31 PM GMT
    Don't know what to say, except I congrat you about beeing so honest.

    You don't make excuse for yourself, rather have the very positive attitude to try to see things as they are, and do the best our of it.

    May be your passionate attitude will someday find a match with a guy who need it as a fuel, while providing you background serenity.

    Making the mix of you a long lasting fire instead of a detonating explosion.




  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 25, 2010 6:39 PM GMT
    Well there's no fool like an old.......hey wait a second! You feel foolish because you showed your humanity and you liked someone and got excited about the possibilities? Stop beating yourself up, who needs that? Like you said, you took a chance. There will be more chances. I say, stay strong and stay single until you find a good match, and don't settle for less.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 6:46 PM GMT
    Why would someone take down their RJ profile because he met someone? I can understand taking down your profile from dating/hookup sites, but this is RJ.

    Am I missing something?

    The focus here, for me at least, is not to meet someone on a romantic/sexual basis. I've learned a lot here and contributed a lot about things that go way beyond a search for a boyfriend or hooking up.

    And if I met a fellow RJ guy and it blossomed into something I bet it would a quality thing precisely because he already showed me he had a life and a brain.

    But I would still keep my profile here.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 25, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    If I meet someone that might become very important to me in the future, I usually let him know about the various sites I'm on. Usually they don't know what RJ is and just because of the name they think it sounds like a fetish site.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 25, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    Well welcome back, good to have you back here.....

    I'm so logical when it comes to some of this... I "carefully" enter the pool from the
    steps ... considering everything... thats what I did with my bf.... 11.5 years ago.
    Of course I'm passionate, he got attacked on the 2nd date... but for me there is a difference between sex and living my life through prudent decision making.


    Now not that I'm right and your approach is wrong... we're just different people is all. Glad you are back, however.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 7:55 PM GMT
    Welcome back!

    Yes, I understand the rationale of taking down your profile, but next time, follow the previous lines before mine: take your time, breathe, and walk through it together.

    My current bf taught me to slow down and I have (a bit).

    You will find your way. Keep it slow and keep it wild.

    With love man to man,

    Michael
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    Interesting.

    Sounds to me like he wasn't comfortable seeing himself in the mirror. From my perspective, he took down his profile in order to "focus on" you, which tells me that the problem he's working on is one of lack of attentiveness and maybe focusing on the superficial. So, his own private journey was to change his stripes and focus on you as an individual and focus on his feelings towards you.

    You invaded his one-passenger journey by also taking down your profile. This made him uncomfortable becuase there was only room for one person on his journey. His journey was to eventually be able to add you to his life, but you immediately inserted yourself into it. You scared him. He scared himself.

    Whatever he was working on personally, he had to do on his own time and at his determined pace. But you inadvertently forced him to move faster and he didn't like it. Not your fault, though.

    I don't necessarily think you have to change your ways. You just unfortunately chose the wrong guy to be compatible with your ways, at this time.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jul 25, 2010 8:00 PM GMT
    Thanks, Kansan. No, there is no right or wrong, the trouble is that I confound the living hell out of your kith and kin, pushing you in the deep end, forcing you to sink or swim, grabbing for the edges and flailing about....if you'd just relax and float....LOL *sigh* God bless your guy for waiting until date #2, I'm sure it was well worth it. I need to study your kind in the wild and learn a gentler approach.
    Perhaps if I bought some liversnaps and a clicker......
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    You lost me bro
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:02 PM GMT
    The 'I'm back' thread.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jul 25, 2010 8:07 PM GMT
    Thanks guys. Truly. Tiger - stripes - etc.

    I have to admit that I wear my heart squarely on my sleeve, and it's very intimidating and overwhelming if that's not your nature.

    My brother-in-law, God bless his straight identified heart, said to me at brunch today "your problem isn't that you move too fast, it's that the rest of us just don't see what you see from waaaaaay out ahead of the pack. No need to slow down, just a need to stand still long enough for the rest of us to catch up..." Then he stopped himself and looked at me very sweetly and said "Sorry. No. That's just not you, is it? No waiting, just insisting that we catch up and come along. I get it. Don't feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for the rest of us, we just don't have the same level of faith. It's okay, someday, somebody will keep pace, pal. Hang in there."

    Still, if only.....

  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jul 25, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    Ciarsolo saidThe 'I'm back' thread.



    In a mean girls club if you want to come back and rejoin the group you have to prove your worthiness. Since RJ is the biggest mean girls club I know I think these guys should have to prove that they appreciate coming back.

    Mean girls rule!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:20 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidIn a mean girls club if you want to come back and rejoin the group you have to prove your worthiness. Since RJ is the biggest mean girls club I know I think these guys should have to prove that they appreciate coming back.

    Mean girls rule!

    Actually I know meaner. If you can't stand up to RJ girls, just pack up your high heels and leave! LOL!!!
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jul 25, 2010 8:23 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidThanks guys. Truly. Tiger - stripes - etc.

    I have to admit that I wear my heart squarely on my sleeve, and it's very intimidating and overwhelming if that's not your nature.



    If only the guy I was talking to 2 days ago could read and understand this...sometimes you tend to push the person you are talking to...away. icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    We're much like MuscleComeBack and wore our hearts on our sleeves. Scared the crap out some guys.

    Then one day, Bill and I met each other...guess what happened?

    icon_lol.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:32 PM GMT
    Yay! Muscle came back! icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:32 PM GMT
    meninlove said We're much like MuscleComeBack and wore our hearts on our sleeves. Scared the crap out some guys.

    Then one day, Bill and I met each other...guess what happened?

    icon_lol.gificon_wink.gif
    And y'all didn't even have to delete your profiles. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2010 8:33 PM GMT
    OK, so I'm being clueless here. It's not clear to me why the OP left RJ. Booted? Or this guy he met made him do it?

    But I'm impressed by such rough self-criticism. A lot of frank self-reflection going on, a lot of self-blame, maybe a guy who isn't full of himself, and willling to admit his faults & shortcomings. That's a rarity on RJ!

    Those are traits I admire myself, and aspire to, though don't always achieve. And at his 51, I don't wanna hear about old & broken. That was my Golden Age. I did more at 51 than I had done in my whole previous life.

    So OP: don't give us the Pity Party. You go right back and make this your own Golden Age. You look great, you ain't done yet. Shift gears and take charge. I predict great things for you. icon_biggrin.gif
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 25, 2010 8:35 PM GMT
    Thwap! There you went. Here you are.

    Sounds like you are just waiting for it to happen again. Well, it may.

    Perhaps the thing to do is to print out your post and read it aloud to yourself the next time you feel yourself falling into it. You might also read it to the other guy and talk about it.

    Actually you are lucky to be so full of feeling. Good luck.