Jul 25, 2010 3:42 AM GMT
Well, I'm back. That was RJ's shortest exit and return, no doubt.
For somebody who really isn't geared for drama, frankly, I fucked up, big time and the result was ....drama, of my own fucking making.
It's SO hard to tell this story on myself, but I really have to or I'm never going to find my center of gravity, if you will.
Suffice it to say that I met a guy who was very enthusiastic and interested, even took his RJ profile down to say "I want to focus on you". So I took mine down. And thus begins the mess.....
Five days later he is texting me to stop dreaming about something that's only five days old and that it's too intense and too overwhelming for him. And that I'm trying to force my romantic fantasies on an impossible situation.
Before you say anything, take heed - He's probably right. That's the scary part. I've discovered that I'm a bit of a quick-to-dive-into-the-deep-end guy, and that I don't really know how to go slow and take things one step at a time. I'm not so sure that's okay. My ex says of me "your single greatest asset is your single greatest liability - you're very intense and you're an all or nothing guy." I can't really help myself. But am I just desperate for love, rather than smart or balanced?
In fact, 16 and a half years ago, when we first met, my ex and I that is, we spoke for about two or three hours on the phone a couple of nights, then finally met in person and we moved in together VERY fast (so fast that I was afraid to tell friends for fear they'd have me locked up...seeiing a pattern, yet?) We actually didn't spend a single night apart except for the brief six days we went home to each other's families for Christmas (we met ten days prior) and then afterwards didn't sleep apart from each other for two years. It was incredibly sudden, but so amazing.
And we worked, we really did work, and something that went wrong that we couldn't fix in the end had nothing to do with the intensity of us, but with other things about which I've written here once before ...but what I THINK has happened since dating again, starting back in January, is not simply that I've been trying to find the same passion but also the same intensity as I found sixteen years ago.
I had a good shot with this guy, this "burned too bright too fast" guy on whom I pinned WAY too much, too soon. And because of that - he got flooded with a feeling that I can honestly understand, that of a sort of desperate guy whose intensity was probably unrealistic.
The issue is not how to fix it, but how to live with what I can't really help - that I'm exceedingly hopeful, and exceedingly passionate, and very much an open book from the outset, and I don't hedge bets. I'm pretty goddamned intense from the start, and I wish it were other than - but it's essentially who I am, how I feel, how I work, how I .....live. And I can sustain it, but I'm afraid most guys just can't. And I am now understanding just how overwhelming I can be. It's kinda ugly.
So, tail between my legs, I'm back and I'm feeling very foolish, very old, and very broken.
And glad just to have given something a shot. What I'll have learned remains to be seen.
Humbly yours.
MCB
For somebody who really isn't geared for drama, frankly, I fucked up, big time and the result was ....drama, of my own fucking making.
It's SO hard to tell this story on myself, but I really have to or I'm never going to find my center of gravity, if you will.
Suffice it to say that I met a guy who was very enthusiastic and interested, even took his RJ profile down to say "I want to focus on you". So I took mine down. And thus begins the mess.....
Five days later he is texting me to stop dreaming about something that's only five days old and that it's too intense and too overwhelming for him. And that I'm trying to force my romantic fantasies on an impossible situation.
Before you say anything, take heed - He's probably right. That's the scary part. I've discovered that I'm a bit of a quick-to-dive-into-the-deep-end guy, and that I don't really know how to go slow and take things one step at a time. I'm not so sure that's okay. My ex says of me "your single greatest asset is your single greatest liability - you're very intense and you're an all or nothing guy." I can't really help myself. But am I just desperate for love, rather than smart or balanced?
In fact, 16 and a half years ago, when we first met, my ex and I that is, we spoke for about two or three hours on the phone a couple of nights, then finally met in person and we moved in together VERY fast (so fast that I was afraid to tell friends for fear they'd have me locked up...seeiing a pattern, yet?) We actually didn't spend a single night apart except for the brief six days we went home to each other's families for Christmas (we met ten days prior) and then afterwards didn't sleep apart from each other for two years. It was incredibly sudden, but so amazing.
And we worked, we really did work, and something that went wrong that we couldn't fix in the end had nothing to do with the intensity of us, but with other things about which I've written here once before ...but what I THINK has happened since dating again, starting back in January, is not simply that I've been trying to find the same passion but also the same intensity as I found sixteen years ago.
I had a good shot with this guy, this "burned too bright too fast" guy on whom I pinned WAY too much, too soon. And because of that - he got flooded with a feeling that I can honestly understand, that of a sort of desperate guy whose intensity was probably unrealistic.
The issue is not how to fix it, but how to live with what I can't really help - that I'm exceedingly hopeful, and exceedingly passionate, and very much an open book from the outset, and I don't hedge bets. I'm pretty goddamned intense from the start, and I wish it were other than - but it's essentially who I am, how I feel, how I work, how I .....live. And I can sustain it, but I'm afraid most guys just can't. And I am now understanding just how overwhelming I can be. It's kinda ugly.
So, tail between my legs, I'm back and I'm feeling very foolish, very old, and very broken.
And glad just to have given something a shot. What I'll have learned remains to be seen.
Humbly yours.
MCB
