Confused about my long term relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 4:46 AM GMT
    Posted this in another forum - thought I'd try and get a variety of responses....

    "Lot's of extenuating circumstances, but I'll try to only include important stuff and make this short.

    So...as you can see from the title, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 7 months. We absolutely love each other, but I'm afraid I'm having personal issues that are getting in the way. A lot of it dealing with sex. We have great sex and am excited to explore that area further with him, but at the same time, he's the only person I've ever had sexual intercourse with.

    Now maybe I'm just afraid of committment and am self-sabotaging this wonderful thing I have (grass is always greener), but how can I ignore my desire to have sex with other men? Sure I have insecurities, blah blah blah, I can self analyze myself for days. But I just feel as though I'm not emotionally or sexually mature to carry on with this VERY mature relationship. Maybe I need more life experience or something.

    Unfortunately we will be living across the hall from one another in the same house next year (we are both 20 and will be juniors in college), and the thought of him being with other men sucks, but it is what I want - so I can't hold onto the relationship because of jealousy. As I stated before though, I'm excited to continue to build my life with this guy.

    I don't know...it sounds simple...work it out and stay with him, but I just feel guilty whenever I see guy that, frankly, I just want to f**k.

    I've sort of been turning off emotionally too and tried to break up, recently, but we're waiting until the summer's over and can see each other again to make decisions. I'm afraid my shutting down and lack of caring and wanting to have sex with men could be potentially dangerous, but I think I know myself pretty well and what's wrong with wanting a little sex?

    Okay I lied...I rambled. Advice would be great. Thanks"

    [to which someone responded that I was unclear of what I wanted advice on...haha. they thought I was taking action. I responded:]

    "sorry for not being clear.

    I'm conflicted as to whether or not I should continue fighting for this, or if it will cause both of us less pain to end it now because it may inevitably end due to the fact that we are so young and this is the first real relationship for both of us.

    obviously if it was "perfect," it would be somewhat less work, but we've been working for over a year and a half now...and I'm just tired ya know? It's hard.

    sorry if I'm STILL not clear. I'm not really clear with myself, so I guess it's hard to convey to others.

    "should I stay or should I go now?"



    Peace and Love,
    -J

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 4:59 AM GMT
    A year and seven months is not a long time.
    If it feels like it, it's time to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    You have identified your problem as wanting to have sex with other men.

    Your boyfriend should not be a road block to your desires and happiness, he should be your partner in crime, the Robin to your Batman working with you to double penetrate the Joker.

    Perhaps you will find that you don't want to have sex with other men, you just want to explore different fantasies together. Be open about what you want with him and work something out. But then...

    "I've sort of been turning off emotionally too and tried to break up, recently, but we're waiting until the summer's over and can see each other again to make decisions"

    sounds like you have already checked out. Be kind to him and try to find a different living situation next year.
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:42 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidPerhaps you will find that you don't want to have sex with other men, you just want to explore different fantasies together. Be open about what you want with him and work something out.


    Thank you - maybe I'm just lonely (horny) being away from him for a little while. And yes there are jealousy things and other stupid emotional baggage. But in regards to sex, it's not like we've done EVERYTHING...so maybe we should talk about this more before trying to find pleasure in other ppl. Still it sucks that I still see guys and feel like slut,,,hard to ignore.

    In regards to "checking out"...I think I could check back in. Checking out is just a defense mechanism to sort of move on as fast as possible without the painful aftermath. I mean I'm just pushing this guy away.

    We'd have different living conditions if there weren't leases and other fun stuff like that.

    MunchingZombie said
    Your boyfriend should not be a road block to your desires and happiness, he should be your partner in crime, the Robin to your Batman working with you to double penetrate the Joker.


    Thank you for that.

    Too bad adding in a Joker might mess with us emotionally. But who knows - one day maybe icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 6:01 AM GMT
    You're young. Experience life even though it will be without him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 11:46 AM GMT
    If you really want to have sex with other men, then please be kind enough to let your boyfriend know in time so that he can move on too. Now it may sound a bit harsh, but you have pretty much made up your mind and already a bit out of the relationship, so why not give him equal chance to move on. You are 20 now, you may think you are mature enough but you are still too young and if you want to explore then go ahead and do it. Don't let it come to a point where you two fight saying I didn't do it because of you.
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    Jul 26, 2010 1:27 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:29 PM GMT
    we have talked about it, but are gonna try to work on us for a little longer, hopefully we'll know when it's the right time to stop (even though a lot of people think that time is NOW I guess...)

    And thank you for the video! funny/interesting guy...sadly we tried the open thing and it just ended up very emotional - i think the door totally blew down. We started the break on a wednesday. friday night he had sex with someone else...

    saying I was mad or didn't feel well is a big understatement.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 26, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    Well to begin with you are 20 and clearly time to explore (safely) whats out there. It sounds like you genuinely care for your bf... therefore, my suggestion is that you have a serious talk with him. Tell him what you told us.. honest communication is always best.

    Don't.. and I mean DON'T.. chicken out, pretend all is perfect and screw others on the side because you are afraid of hurting him. I suspect your desire to explore might win out over your desire to be in a monogamous relationship. Be respectful and talk about it.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Jul 26, 2010 7:37 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell to begin with you are 20 and clearly time to explore (safely) whats out there. It sounds like you genuinely care for your bf... therefore, my suggestion is that you have a serious talk with him. Tell him what you told us.. honest communication is always best.

    Don't.. and I mean DON'T.. chicken out, pretend all is perfect and screw others on the side because you are afraid of hurting him. I suspect your desire to explore might win out over your desire to be in a monogamous relationship. Be respectful and talk about it.


    dido.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 7:52 PM GMT
    There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with other men. Do it. Just break up with your boyfriend first.
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    Jul 26, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    No advice is going to change what you are going to do; your 20 and rational thought is beyond your capacity at this time.
    Truly, the only cure for grass-is-greener syndrome is to jump back and forth over the fence.
    We all have to figure out what a dumb-ass we are—some never do.
  • lozano86

    Posts: 293

    Jul 26, 2010 10:12 PM GMT
    You are 20. You've been with one guy. So go out an experience. You care for your guy but just communicate what your going through. I didn't read your whole post so I don't know if you actually told him that your feeling like this. Just let him go for now. Do what you gotta do. And if you guys get back together later. Well then good for you. But 20 seriously i'm 24 and i still have a lot to learn
  • davidnta

    Posts: 86

    Jul 26, 2010 10:26 PM GMT
    That euphroic sense of being in the honeymoon phase is now over, and people love having that feeling of newness. However, that feeling of being in love will eventually come back, but it won't be as intense as when you first met. The feeling of being in love goes up and down like a wave and the relationship research shows this so if you want to keep your relationship just wait a while, that feeling will come back.

    Being infatuated by other men is normal and its more healthy to talk about it with your boyfriend than to keep it bottled up inside. The more you talk to him about personal feelings and attitudes, the better off your relationship will be.
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    Jul 26, 2010 11:09 PM GMT
    If you want to have sex with other men, then it is my opinion you should break up with him and explore that. I've never supported open relationships, but being honest about your path is admirable. Maybe when you do want to commit, then you can give him a call. 20 years old is a little young anyway for commitment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    Thanks so much guys. Lots of good advice. It's hard though cause a lot of it conflicts with each other =P

    I agree with the people that say I'm young, inexperienced, and not ready for committment. But I also agree with the whole talk about it, push through, and let the relationship grow deeper. It's hard - and would be a hell of a lot easier if we didn't go to such a small school, let alone live in the same house.

    dustin_K_tx saidNo advice is going to change what you are going to do; your 20 and rational thought is beyond your capacity at this time.
    Truly, the only cure for grass-is-greener syndrome is to jump back and forth over the fence.
    We all have to figure out what a dumb-ass we are—some never do.


    Amen. We'll see what happens.

    I'm gonna wait til school starts. And I'm gonna hang at his house for a week before that as well, and it's gonna be a great week. However, I'm afraid it's just gonna set him up for disappointment if I still want to break it off afterwards.
  • jagjock

    Posts: 232

    Jul 27, 2010 10:19 PM GMT
    Well after reading your dilemma, I feel; that what you are going through is what any person goes through when they meet that first great guy/girl......i"cant bare to be with out them ". I'm not saying that all "first" relationships are doomed, but you have to look at it as something valuable that you learn from. Hell, he could be in the same boat and just as scared as you about these feelings. I had a friend who tells me "You must do whats right for you, before you can be right for anyone else." With that statement being said, I feel that you must be a man who knows what, where, and who he is before you can look a man in the eyes and say this is us< we are two men not just too co-people.
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    Jul 28, 2010 4:53 PM GMT
    jagjock saidI feel that you must be a man who knows what, where, and who he is before you can look a man in the eyes and say this is us< we are two men not just too co-people.


    Yes. Hopefully if I decide to leave him, that will be the right thing for me. Hopefully hopping back and forth over the fence, like another user said, will be what I need. I don't want to leave him and all that "i can't bare to be without him" stuff...but I may just have to. It's gonna be hard to be objective when I see him.
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    Jul 30, 2010 9:21 PM GMT
    So I decided to break it off. And now I want him back haha. I know I'll feel respressed if I get back in it though. FML. haha. just wish there was a way to have my cake and eat it too.
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    Jul 30, 2010 9:32 PM GMT
    I had a boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. He told me he wanted more of a commitment, but I couldn't give that to him. Being 22, I just couldn't sign away the rest of my life to someone without seeing what else was out there so I broke up with him. It's been 4 months and it still stirs up emotions when I think back to the times we shared together, but it's not as bad as it was.

    You say you want him back, but realize that it's most likely because you just separated from him and these feelings will go away with time. Don't try and get back together with him until you have resolved the problems that led to you wanting to break up with him in the first place. So go out and have fun like 20-year olds should. If once you've seen what else is out there and realize that you still want him, then hopefully he'll still be there for you. If not, don't think that he's the only one out there for you. Good guys are hard to find, but they're out there.

    And for the record, I agree with others that 1 year and 7 months =/= LTR.
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    Jul 30, 2010 9:42 PM GMT
    thanks icon_smile.gif