"Hes out of my league"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 4:37 PM GMT
    (sorry this will be a bit long) I won't lie, I'm a hypocrite. But in my defense its due to holding myself at a different standard than others.

    You see, my roomate thinks he is unattractive , he grew up being heavier, lost the weight, looked to thin, gained a little back and looks fine. But he always says guys are "out of his league", and when he does I call him on it and tell him to stop being so stupid! He is a genuinely attractive guy (though not my type, we are pretty close and have this odd not attracted to each other thing), he's tall, good looking, nice tats (though he looks far more masculine than he actually is), in other words he has a very large pick of guys once he gets over his issues.


    I come a similar background, I grew up heavier and only recently lost the weight, I've never really talked to guys and to this day I still really don't (I go out with friends, dance, get drunk and what not but I still keep to myself). When I see a guy I think is attractive I very very rarely EVER approach him, and the few times I actually HAVE done it, its gone bad...like nuclear...so yea I tend to utter "He's out of my league" quite a bit.



    But my question is this, am I being overly cautious? And how many of you have similar issue like this?
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 26, 2010 4:52 PM GMT
    You are being overly cautious but it's understandable. I too am shy the rare times I'm out clubbing and it'll be a cold day in hell before I approach a guy. I remember years ago at this club I thought this guy was giving me the wink, nod...so I came up to him and then he completely ignored me. I was so embarrassed I played it off like I was really going to the bar and then ordered a drink. Since then I only talk to a guy if he comes to me and the ones that do I'm not attracted to.....lol.

    So yeah I constantly think a lot of the hotter guys are way out of my league.

    I've always been smaller but I did gain a bit of weight as an adult and recently lost it and I admit I look better now than I did in my teens and 20's....but those old insecurities still remain. I guess it's something that never completely goes away...at least for me.
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    Jul 26, 2010 4:54 PM GMT


    Shedding weight can be much easier than shedding the negative images and thoughts that tag along when being over weight. I say talk to everyone tall, short, fat, ugly and everything in-between. In time you'll notice sometimes pretty packages are just that and while some might not have been fortunate enough to be blessed w/ what you consider your "type" physically, mentally their who you need.
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    Jul 26, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    I'm that way, but it is because the guys I'm into usually ignore me. icon_cry.gif
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 26, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    viveutvivas saidI'm that way, but it is because the guys I'm into usually ignore me. icon_cry.gif
    Sigh...that seems to be a universal problem. icon_sad.gif
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:22 PM GMT
    I think you are no better or worse than most people in that situation.

    Most people tend to protect their feelings at the cost of losing out on the potential for a new experience. Additionally, we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves by having very high expectations of every interaction.

    I was like this when I was younger. When I hit 30 I realized that a philosophy I had while working out was true for any endeavor in life, "No pain, no gain".

    You have to flip that around a bit to find the truth in it for all endeavors, but in essence without taking on some discomfort or risk, you will never reap the reward.

    I met a lot of great guys once I learned this lesson. I also had a lot of guys turn me down, but in hind sight the positive experiences definitely out weigh the negative.

    Really, what is the worst that can happen if you talk to a guy you are interested in? He may turn you down... oh boo hoo... I will never be able to show my face in public again ... icon_redface.gif

    So instead, I will sit here in the corner mooning over him and wishing I could talk to him. icon_rolleyes.gif

    However, if he does like you, well things could get a bit more interesting... icon_wink.gif

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    Jul 26, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    Hillie said

    Shedding weight can be much easier than shedding the negative images and thoughts that tag along when being over weight. I say talk to everyone tall, short, fat, ugly and everything in-between. In time you'll notice sometimes pretty packages are just that and while some might not have been fortunate enough to be blessed w/ what you consider your "type" physically, mentally their who you need.


    I should probably clarify.


    I have really really low standards. And let me just say...just because someone isn't "hot" does not mean they are nice, or funny, or smart, or not an all around douche icon_neutral.gif.

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    Jul 26, 2010 5:29 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca said
    Hillie said

    Shedding weight can be much easier than shedding the negative images and thoughts that tag along when being over weight. I say talk to everyone tall, short, fat, ugly and everything in-between. In time you'll notice sometimes pretty packages are just that and while some might not have been fortunate enough to be blessed w/ what you consider your "type" physically, mentally their who you need.


    I should probably clarify.


    I have really really low standards. And let me just say...just because someone isn't "hot" does not mean they are nice, or funny, or smart, or not an all around douche icon_neutral.gif.



    If you have really low standards how is it that men are still out of your league? Pick your self up and outta that pidgeon hole.

    [url][/url]
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:38 PM GMT
    Hillie said
    DoomsDayAlpaca said
    Hillie said

    Shedding weight can be much easier than shedding the negative images and thoughts that tag along when being over weight. I say talk to everyone tall, short, fat, ugly and everything in-between. In time you'll notice sometimes pretty packages are just that and while some might not have been fortunate enough to be blessed w/ what you consider your "type" physically, mentally their who you need.


    I should probably clarify.


    I have really really low standards. And let me just say...just because someone isn't "hot" does not mean they are nice, or funny, or smart, or not an all around douche icon_neutral.gif.



    If you have really low standards how is it that men are still out of your league? Pick your self up and outta that pidgeon hole.

    [url][/url]


    Because they have it set in their mind that they can do much better than me? Also because I'm black people think I'm either a giant queen or a thug or something, which is sort of annoying. I cant tell you how many times I've heard "I'm surprised your not really all that black" -.-
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:50 PM GMT
    You should work with the attitude that you don't want to hit on them. You merely are just talking to them because they happened to be there. A mysterious maintenance of personality always does the trick. Make yourself better at having conversation with strangers. If it means getting a list of things to talk about beforehand, so be it. I do that because my tongue thickens and my brain cells stop firing in the presence of strangers. Review conversations in your mind beforehand to be prepared.

    Like another poster said, the ramification of your previous heavier self are not going to go away soon. Adapt an attitude that says you like yourself. Others will like you. On ugly days, I put a smile on my face-nobody knows what I feel, but they still get the feeling that I am confident about myself.

    There are a lot of colleges and universities around you. You said you are brainy-go to places where more university age people hang out. Go to the seminars or something where younger people are. It's Philadelphia. Go to places that are not bars, to find people you like. Surely Philadelphia must have places where mostly gays are likely to be at. You are more likely to find someone who reciprocates your feelings away from night clubs. In bars and clubs, people have an ugly way of becoming, well, ugly. Talk amongst your friends. They probably know people who know people that are looking to date.

    Raise your standards. That goes hand in hand with letting people know that you like yourself. They don't need to know the truth. Remember, if you start thinking of ways that you like yourself, it will become a habit.
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    Jul 26, 2010 5:57 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca said
    Hillie said
    DoomsDayAlpaca said
    Hillie said

    Shedding weight can be much easier than shedding the negative images and thoughts that tag along when being over weight. I say talk to everyone tall, short, fat, ugly and everything in-between. In time you'll notice sometimes pretty packages are just that and while some might not have been fortunate enough to be blessed w/ what you consider your "type" physically, mentally their who you need.


    I should probably clarify.


    I have really really low standards. And let me just say...just because someone isn't "hot" does not mean they are nice, or funny, or smart, or not an all around douche icon_neutral.gif.



    If you have really low standards how is it that men are still out of your league? Pick your self up and outta that pidgeon hole.


    Because they have it set in their mind that they can do much better than me? Also because I'm black people think I'm either a giant queen or a thug or something, which is sort of annoying. I cant tell you how many times I've heard "I'm surprised your not really all that black" -.-



    If some moron/jackass has it in his mind and can identify who he thinks you are before you get a wrd out.... Don't you think your out of his league? I've been in similar situations where my blkness has been in question by men of color and white men. If those men choose to be held captive by social teachings that leave them socially crippled.... So be it. You however need not take on their baggage and make it your own.

    Wrds frm the Song...... Grl frm the gutter

    For all the times you tried to hurt my pride
    For all the pain I've held dwn deep inside
    Things are lkn up for me now
    It seems like Karmas makin it rounds
    It's my turn I won't be held dwn.... Noooooooo
    Karams gonna visit you too

  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 26, 2010 7:07 PM GMT
    creyente saidI think you are no better or worse than most people in that situation.

    Most people tend to protect their feelings at the cost of losing out on the potential for a new experience. Additionally, we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves by having very high expectations of every interaction.

    Really, what is the worst that can happen if you talk to a guy you are interested in? He may turn you down... oh boo hoo... I will never be able to show my face in public again ... icon_redface.gif

    So instead, I will sit here in the corner mooning over him and wishing I could talk to him. icon_rolleyes.gif

    However, if he does like you, well things could get a bit more interesting... icon_wink.gif

    Heh logically you speak the truth....just have to get those gosh darn emotions to see the logic. *LOL*.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Jul 26, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    You need to get over that. Going through a drastic change in your life like that makes it hard to adjust to. Have you ever thought about maybe seeing a psych or joining a group? Maybe that will help you overcome that issue. You don't have to approach guys everytime you go out; you dont have to do it at all. But it sounds like your not too happy with yourself.
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    Jul 26, 2010 8:31 PM GMT
    Even if I know that I don't have a chance of being with you, I just want you to know how beautiful you are! You are truly wonderful and adorable.
    I'd give the world to have someone like you. You're very special and whoever gets you will be the luckiest man alive. icon_smile.gif

    A guy (not on RJ) sent me this and while I feel flattered, even if I felt attracted to him physically I wouldn't feel attracted to his personality cuz he's no confidence in himself t, I dunno if it's a cultural thing but many men think they're ugly when they're not, they say here's my ugly mug and stuff like that, IMO that's wrong, you should go out there and feel that you're the hottest guy in the world, (of course this doesn't mean being a douche) being confident and then you'll start meeting and talking to guys who "are out of your league.
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    Jul 26, 2010 8:50 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca said(sorry this will be a bit long) I won't lie, I'm a hypocrite. But in my defense its due to holding myself at a different standard than others...

    ...But my question is this, am I being overly cautious? And how many of you have similar issue like this?

    First, you are no hypocrite, but one of the most real, authentic guys on this site. I look forward to your posts & comments, because they are always first-rate.

    Second, yes, of course we sometimes think a guy is out of our league. Good gawd, at my age, anything that's still breathing is out of my league.

    Or as I always say about much younger guys: "He's out of my price range."

    The more important point is: does HE think YOU are out of HIS league? Assumptions are always risky, and that's the thing here.

    Yeah, he may be a treasure, but maybe YOU are a treasure to HIM. You never know until you approach him. Fortunately I can handle rejection (a LOT of rejection), so I'm willing to risk it. Ya never know how it will turn out...

    Funny, the other night I was on the phone with an ex, and he was relating the moment he first saw me, 6 years ago. And he went on and on about how wonderful he thought I was, how inadequate he felt, not daring to approach me, hoping I would approach him (which I did).

    And I honestly told him those were my own feelings about HIM. I had to screw up my courage to introduce myself, because I'm actually rather shy. And then for me to just blurt out: "Let's go back to my place" with very little prelude. And we did, and were together for over 2 years.

    So whether he's out of my league, or out of my price range, as I prefer to say, I still make a bid on him. The worst he can say is "no" and I can handle that. There's always another guy who will say "yes."
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Jul 26, 2010 10:34 PM GMT
    Wilton said
    DoomsDayAlpaca said(sorry this will be a bit long) I won't lie, I'm a hypocrite. But in my defense its due to holding myself at a different standard than others...

    ...But my question is this, am I being overly cautious? And how many of you have similar issue like this?

    First....

    Second...

    Or....

    The more important point is: does HE think YOU are out of HIS league? Assumptions are always risky, and that's the thing here.

    Yeah, he may be a treasure, but maybe YOU are a treasure to HIM. You never know until you approach him.

    So whether he's out of my league, or out of my price range, as I prefer to say, I still make a bid on him. The worst he can say is "no" and I can handle that. There's always another guy who will say "yes."

    Wilton, as always I come to appreciate all the pearls of wisdom you dole out to everyone on a daily basis.

    I was just reminded of an opportunity I totally missed (even if we would've ended up in a bathroom stall...*LOL*) Basically a couple months ago I was going into Meijer around midnight. Actually an hour before I had just left from having sex with this hookup and I was going to the Meijers for a late snack and to pick up a few items.

    So I was walking into this Meijers, right, and from my "side eye" I spotted this hot stud walking towards the Meijers from another direction. He looked to be in his mid-20s, white guy, wearing this aqua blue top and shorts. So fucking hot.

    So anyway I was ahead of him by more than a couple yards and I walk into the Meijer's entryway. I see the greeter, exchange greetings, and head towards the baskets. From my "side eye" again (cause you know I can't look a stud straight in his eye....*LOL*), I saw the stud slow down when he reached the greeter, sorta look at me, and then walk on. So he's going towards the fruit/veggie aisle. I wasn't planning to but I sorta went there to check him out and damn....I liked what I saw.

    But I played it cool...walked along a different part of the fruit aisle...humming Mya's Fallen (cause you know girlfriend was totally stalking that guy)....



    ...as I was perusing the fruit aisle, knowing that I wasn't looking for fruit. He disappeared down an aisle and I took a detour towards the bakery. Again I wasn't planning on buying any cupcakes, donuts, or bread but I didn't know what to do with myself.

    So I walked out the bread aisle and headed toward the far right outer main aisleway (if that made any sense)...where all the freezer stuff is....and as I walked and looked down side aisle 1, I saw him standing there seemingly looking for an item.

    I gave a smirk as I walked to aisle 2 (yeah I know....*LOL*), which happened to be the ice cream isle. I picked up some Ben and Jerry's and walked out toward the center main aisleway and then moseyed into aisle 3. I didn't want anything in aisle 3, so I walked casually back towards the right outer main aisle and lo and behold when I looked to my right, the guy was now fidgeting between aisle 1 and 2.

    At that point I was saying to myself 'Am I being cruised?'....which the answer would be yes, you moron. But instead of saying something banal I walked over to the cheese section along that same right outer main aisle. I picked up some cream cheese and then made a dash to aisle 5. *LOL*

    I picked up some Merlot and then walked back towards the right outer main aisle....and yup he was standing nearby again but my stupid self paid him no mind and kept on shopping till I paid and then proceeded to call my best friend to say 'Oh my god I just got cruised'.

    I so could've gotten laid again....I think. icon_redface.gificon_sad.gif

    Actually I should remember that next time I'm too shy to approach a guy. So Dooms, maybe this story will help you and all the other shy guys (myself included) out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:05 AM GMT
    Nobody is out of my league, but I'm out of many people's leagues.
    Reason: I have confidence, regardless if I'm super-ripped or super-fat. I'm going to get laid by whom I desire.
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:20 AM GMT
    Goodness, I'm tired of hearing that leagues don't exist in the dating world, because they do. I wish it wasn't like that but it is. I think we should just accept that and move on.
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:25 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidNobody is out of my league, but I'm out of many people's leagues.
    Reason: I have confidence, regardless if I'm super-ripped or super-fat. I'm going to get laid by whom I desire.


    HE SAID!!!

    P.S.
    I'll lick your biceps...icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    viveutvivas saidI'm that way, but it is because the guys I'm into usually ignore me. icon_cry.gif


    Same here.
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:30 AM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca said
    Hillie said
    DoomsDayAlpaca said
    Hillie said

    Shedding weight can be much easier than shedding the negative images and thoughts that tag along when being over weight. I say talk to everyone tall, short, fat, ugly and everything in-between. In time you'll notice sometimes pretty packages are just that and while some might not have been fortunate enough to be blessed w/ what you consider your "type" physically, mentally their who you need.


    I should probably clarify.


    I have really really low standards. And let me just say...just because someone isn't "hot" does not mean they are nice, or funny, or smart, or not an all around douche icon_neutral.gif.



    If you have really low standards how is it that men are still out of your league? Pick your self up and outta that pidgeon hole.

    [url][/url]


    Because they have it set in their mind that they can do much better than me? Also because I'm black people think I'm either a giant queen or a thug or something, which is sort of annoying. I cant tell you how many times I've heard "I'm surprised your not really all that black" -.-



    me too. it annoys me when people think i'm not really all that black. psh!
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Jul 27, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    Dude.... it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.....you need to observe and watch for the signs......Is he checking you out?...Is he holding a glance longer than normal?....Sometimes rejection is a good because you can retool and hone in on what works and what doesn't.....but doing nothing will get ya just that.... nothing.....BUD
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:47 AM GMT
    GigoloAssassin said
    paulflexes saidNobody is out of my league, but I'm out of many people's leagues.
    Reason: I have confidence, regardless if I'm super-ripped or super-fat. I'm going to get laid by whom I desire.


    HE SAID!!!

    P.S.
    I'll lick your biceps...icon_wink.gif
    I'll crush an apple with them so they'll taste good for you. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 27, 2010 5:55 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]

    Because they have it set in their mind that they can do much better than me? Also because I'm black people think I'm either a giant queen or a thug or something, which is sort of annoying. I cant tell you how many times I've heard "I'm surprised your not really all that black" -.-[/quote]

    Ok...dude, it sounds to me that you are just plain going after the wrong guys. I don't know where you live that the people there automatically assume that because you are black man then that means you have to be a Thug or a Queen. I mean really... and since when did "I'm surprised your not really all that black" become a compliment? WTH!?!?! So offensive! I would end conversation immediately! I date across the board ... hell you could almost call me skittles because I have tasted the rainbow! LOL There was a forum post a while back the post the question " Why do Asians and black not date there all kind?" Which is not entirely true, we are few and far between but we are here. I find that when I go after my black and Latin men it is much easier then when I am trying to pick up something else. What I would like for you to take from this is no matter whom you are trying to talk too they are going to want someone that is comfortable in their own skin! So you need to proud of your "blackness"! If that is all they see about you then they never really like YOU in the first place.
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    Jul 27, 2010 6:05 AM GMT
    I have a horrible self image of myself. skinny ppl get mocked for being "to skinny"

    so it builds up and starts to get to you. then there is the constant "youre fat jokes" when im obviously not. but even hearing those daily makes you start to believe it.

    i feign confidence easily so im able to hide the fact in most social settings, and am actually told i'm intimidating to coe up to because im always laughing and smiling. . .

    very strange i think. but yeah i will very rarely approach a guy i think is hot because i assume he would have no interest in me.