Said he was a top but actions speak louder than words.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2010 10:57 PM GMT
    Has anyone ever been with someone who originally said their preferred role
    was top but when things get hot and heavy, they really want to bottom?

    I've been with my long distance bf for over a year now. We waited a
    (what I find) unconventional 6 months before having any kind of sex.
    The 2nd time we had sex, he said he wanted to try bottoming. I was fine
    with it. Here and there I would top but now whenever we see each other, he only
    wants to bottom. (after a month of sex). When I've asked what happened, he said,
    that he wants to have a more passive role. Ok, I love this guy, so I'll do it.

    Now more and more than ever, I swear I feel like I'm with a woman. I can't
    understand how someone can make an absolute 180 unless he was never a top
    to begin with. His personality changed. What I thought was once a strong, witty,
    guy is now a nagging, whiny, stranger. I'm getting to the point where I hate
    sex and I'm starting to resent him.

    I did have the balls to talk to him about it and I thought it was
    a great talk. I told him originally when we got together, I was always
    up front about my preferred role and I top to make you happy. He promised
    we would work on it. 2 months and many moments later, not once has he
    made me happy. About a week ago, I said, its my turn tonight. He said
    "absolutely, but me first." Yeah, didn't happen.

    I've gone so far as avoid sex with him. At this point, he told me that
    he thinks all I think about is sex. NOT TRUE. This guy i thought was
    my soulmate. The very thought of him used to make me beam. I've been
    with my fair share of men (and women) and never met anyone like him.

    Are there any suggestions? He said every relationship he has been
    with has been more of the dominant role (which he is, just not sexually).
    Has anyone been with someone who, I guess, faked it, tried to work on it,
    and nothing. Maybe its me? Fuck, is it me? I can change for him.

    Barring breaking up with him, which is my last resort, does anyone have any
    suggestions. I'm sorry if I'm rambling or my thoughts seem to be random.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jul 26, 2010 11:55 PM GMT
    Relationships are about compromise and communication. You've communicated your needs over and over. All he has done is lie to you. You've been more than patient, but what he's been doing all this time is fundamentally just use you. He's shown no interest in your needs, only his own. I don't see how you can be any more clear with him and he refuses to give only to take.

    I don't see how you have any choice but to break up. But I think if you don't you'll only grow to become bitter. You're already avoiding sex with him. That doesn't make for a healthy sex life. You need to find someone you can have a truly give and take relationship with. It most certainly is NOT you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2010 12:20 AM GMT
    A relationship with bad sex isnt worth it icon_confused.gif
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Jul 27, 2010 12:27 AM GMT
    You had a frank conversation, you've been more than patient, and he's not the man he appeared to be. And bad, sex??? Why would you consider anything else but saying, "so long."

    Compromise works when both parties are upfront and honest and want to change for the better good of the relationship. You deserve better. Don't settle. Move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2010 12:46 AM GMT
    "Yes it has happened to me and we hugged and cried for hours in the middle of the street while the rain poured on our backs!" icon_cool.gif

    Okay seriously...
    It is possible for someone to be dominate and a bottom- they're called power bottoms- so it might have just been an misunderstanding. A six months misunderstanding...
    Did he say he was "top" or just "dominate?"
    You can also try bringing in a third/forth... a Top/Top couple to match your Bottom/Bottom...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2010 12:53 AM GMT
    Yep, This
    EricLA saidRelationships are about compromise and communication. You've communicated your needs over and over. All he has done is lie to you. You've been more than patient, but what he's been doing all this time is fundamentally just use you. He's shown no interest in your needs, only his own. I don't see how you can be any more clear with him and he refuses to give only to take.

    I don't see how you have any choice but to break up. But I think if you don't you'll only grow to become bitter. You're already avoiding sex with him. That doesn't make for a healthy sex life. You need to find someone you can have a truly give and take relationship with. It most certainly is NOT you.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Jul 27, 2010 1:11 AM GMT
    dustin is right. your going to grow more bitter and he isnt going to get better.

    he IS a bottom the whole time from the sound of it. Or tell him your drawing a line in the sand and for the next 6 months you will not top him. see how the cards change then, he wont be able to play you anymore.
    good luck