For reals what is wrong with me?

  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Jul 29, 2010 2:21 AM GMT
    I feel like I am a very self sufficient and independent guy. But for whatever reason I start dating a guy. I keep it casual and laid back and I don't put any rules or demands on a guy. The only rules I have in a relationship are 1 be honest with me about whatever you are doing and 2 treat me like an equal so that whatever you are doing I can do too. For whatever reason it ends and I just am left laying there wondering "Why doesn't he love me?"

    Do guys want you to tell them you can't do this or you have to do that? What am I doing wrong?
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    Jul 29, 2010 4:17 AM GMT
    I can understand where you're coming from. Sometimes independence is mistaken for being aloof or uninterested. Dont be afraid to make some demands on him... some.... after all, this is a person who would be a big part of ur life. Not just someone you cross paths with at the grocery store... icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 29, 2010 4:20 AM GMT
    ive dated some guys like you, all i thought in my head was that he wasnt interested in me, so i moved on.


    annd ditto to what the guy above me said.
  • hectorjack

    Posts: 58

    Jul 29, 2010 4:29 AM GMT
    Hi Jay ,

    I am sure of the phase you are going through I used to be the same. So here are my thoughts and please it’s just me. First of all we all are in a way consider ourselves much more self sufficient and independent than any straight men. Its just coz we are more worried about our space in the process we don't foresee the joy of sharing the space with some one who really we love and loves us back genuinely.

    Sometimes trust me telling your partner you can’t do this definitely works. It gives a secured feeling about the relationship and portraits our care toward our loved once. It also gives them an understanding the relationship is no joke and there are some real emotions involved.

    You aint doing anything wrong its just start doing or accept people doing things for you life would become much better and interesting and lovable. After all if we all as independent as we know we shouldn’t be lying down and thinking why doesn’t some one love us right???

    I have never been in love until my current relationship and I always believed its just me who can make me happy. But trust me after letting someone share my life it got improved and its even better when I start doing and accepted him doing things for me.


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    Jul 29, 2010 5:16 PM GMT
    How warm are you during those dates? You can be independent and self-sufficient, yet charming.

    I once went out with someone who used business terms to explain everything in his personal life and even when we talked about his reaction to my emergency room experience one day. He thought he was being polite and courteous. I thought he was just being cold and aloof.

    I've come to realize that he has trouble expressing his personal feelings.
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    Jul 29, 2010 5:28 PM GMT
    JayDT saidI feel like I am a very self sufficient and independent guy. But for whatever reason I start dating a guy. I keep it casual and laid back and I don't put any rules or demands on a guy. The only rules I have in a relationship are 1 be honest with me about whatever you are doing and 2 treat me like an equal so that whatever you are doing I can do too. For whatever reason it ends and I just am left laying there wondering "Why doesn't he love me?"

    Do guys want you to tell them you can't do this or you have to do that? What am I doing wrong?


    You just haven't been discovered yet.
  • rock924228

    Posts: 431

    Jul 29, 2010 5:44 PM GMT
    Doubt there is anything WRONG with you....we all have our idiosyncrasies...and like most people, I'm sure you are your own biggest critic. Probably just a matter of chemistry and open-ness on the other person's part. Hang in there! You are Worthy! and hey....you don't wanna be loved by everybody...just that ONE special person that you think is special, as well!
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Jul 29, 2010 5:50 PM GMT
    I think I am very warm and charming. I'm affectionate when appropriate and even when not so appropriate. I dunno. I think what bothers me most is that rather than guys actually saying yeah I'm no so interested anymore, they just silently slip away and stop returning my calls/messages. It's like they've been devoured by a black hole.
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    Jul 29, 2010 8:47 PM GMT

    JayDT saidI think I am very warm and charming. I'm affectionate when appropriate and even when not so appropriate. I dunno. I think what bothers me most is that rather than guys actually saying yeah I'm no so interested anymore, they just silently slip away and stop returning my calls/messages. It's like they've been devoured by a black hole.
    .

    I can't stand that either. Just shows how weak and shitty someone is if they just ignore you instead of telling you they are not interested.
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    Jul 30, 2010 1:14 AM GMT
    Nothing seems to be wrong with you, except that you only date immature weenies. You are doing the right thing by putting yourself out there and sooner or later you'll meet a quality guy. Hang in there.
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    Jul 30, 2010 1:16 AM GMT
    You're not doing anything wrong. Remember, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to finally find your prince. Good luck.
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    Jul 30, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    JayDT saidI think I am very warm and charming. I'm affectionate when appropriate and even when not so appropriate. I dunno. I think what bothers me most is that rather than guys actually saying yeah I'm no so interested anymore, they just silently slip away and stop returning my calls/messages. It's like they've been devoured by a black hole.

    Unfortunately A LOT of people use passive or passive-aggressive communication styles. I think it contributes to most relationship problems. We should all try to be more assertive in our dealings with others and encourage the same from them.
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    Jul 30, 2010 4:01 AM GMT
    JayDT saidI feel like I am a very self sufficient and independent guy. But for whatever reason I start dating a guy. I keep it casual and laid back and I don't put any rules or demands on a guy. The only rules I have in a relationship are 1 be honest with me about whatever you are doing and 2 treat me like an equal so that whatever you are doing I can do too. For whatever reason it ends and I just am left laying there wondering "Why doesn't he love me?"

    Do guys want you to tell them you can't do this or you have to do that? What am I doing wrong?



    Whether we want to admit it or not we all have our hidden prejudices, dislikes, and judgments about everyone we meet but most especially of our dates! you admit in putting no demands or rules on all the guys you date, and yet you do!?

    You wish your date be honest with you, but I bet you rather he wasn't the minute he starts confessing to you all the struggles, mistakes, errors, faults and such, that as a human being he like everyone of us had, is, and will go through at some point in our lives.

    You want guys to be honest with you but are you being your true self with them? I mean what is the point for an overly confident guy to want to create a warm and affectionate vibe on a date, when in truth I have yet to meet a self sufficient and emotionally independent person willing to, and truthfully accept a person for what they are, and not for what they should be. When I was younger I used to be a very self-sufficient and independent guy. It wasn't until my early thirties that I realized the showing and sharing of our human vulnerabilities are the knots that keep love tighter each time it brings two people together or even more so apart!!

    I have gone on dates with your type, and even thou I have nothing against a person's independent and self sufficient self, after having dated and later get into relationships with quite few of them in my life I find such characteristics a huge turn off in a guy! having said that I much prefer a guy who is not afraid to share his vulnerable self or ask for my help whenever he feels the need to do so; and no, I am not referring to needy people, as there is a huge difference between low-self esteem in needy people and those who thrive and grow on love by being emotionally available at all times!


    Leandro ♥
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    Jul 30, 2010 4:13 AM GMT
    JayDT saidI feel like I am a very self sufficient and independent guy. But for whatever reason I start dating a guy. I keep it casual and laid back and I don't put any rules or demands on a guy. The only rules I have in a relationship are 1 be honest with me about whatever you are doing and 2 treat me like an equal so that whatever you are doing I can do too. For whatever reason it ends and I just am left laying there wondering "Why doesn't he love me?"

    Do guys want you to tell them you can't do this or you have to do that? What am I doing wrong?


    I for one love your attitude. My partner and I see things like you do. And it makes daily life sweet and easy, and difficulties easier to sort out.

    But that attitude is not the norm, many judge emotionall attachement in how stressed and demanding you are. Too many beleive jealousy is a requirement for deep love.

    You just need to find someone compatible (and it doesn't means necessarily someone feeling like you).

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    Jul 30, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    JayDT saidWhat am I doing wrong?
    Attempting to figure out what's wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. People can either accept you as is, or you can kick'em to the curb. Their choice. icon_wink.gif

    Personally the word "jealousy" (or any derivative) is an instant no-go. That tells me there's issues I'll have to put with, and the biggest issue is usually codependency that gets confused with love.
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    Jul 30, 2010 7:55 AM GMT
    Well if you have to ask....
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    Jul 30, 2010 8:07 AM GMT
    I do a lot of judging. Seriously. One of my jobs is judging people in competition. I have a good handle on it, and it's easier to understand if you have a head for numbers, particularly relative placement.

    Like 3 and 6. Other than being prime, and a great all-around fallback number, 3 has no intrinsic value, other than being three. But compared to 6, 3 is half of what 6 is, ya dig?

    Three asks me, all of the time: what's wrong with me? Would I do better as a 4?

    My answer is always the same: you're a great 3! Relative to other threes, though, you'd do great as a 4, but you'd still only be 66% of 6, ya dig?

    If you want to beat a 6, work on being a 7.
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    Jul 30, 2010 9:18 AM GMT
    mickeytopogigio saidI do a lot of judging. Seriously. One of my jobs is judging people in competition. I have a good handle on it, and it's easier to understand if you have a head for numbers, particularly relative placement.

    Like 3 and 6. Other than being prime, and a great all-around fallback number, 3 has no intrinsic value, other than being three. But compared to 6, 3 is half of what 6 is, ya dig?

    Three asks me, all of the time: what's wrong with me? Would I do better as a 4?

    My answer is always the same: you're a great 3! Relative to other threes, though, you'd do great as a 4, but you'd still only be 66% of 6, ya dig?

    If you want to beat a 6, work on being a 7.


    icon_razz.gif
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Jul 30, 2010 3:36 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone. You've all posted some great points. I do think that perhaps I need to show a little bit more emotional vulnerability and that I need to be more assertive. It's fine if he doesn't want to see me, but what's not fine and what's not cool is ignoring me. No matter what has changed for him, I do not deserve to be ignored.
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    Jul 30, 2010 3:59 PM GMT
    JayDT saidI feel like I am a very self sufficient and independent guy. But for whatever reason I start dating a guy. I keep it casual and laid back and I don't put any rules or demands on a guy. The only rules I have in a relationship are 1 be honest with me about whatever you are doing and 2 treat me like an equal so that whatever you are doing I can do too. For whatever reason it ends and I just am left laying there wondering "Why doesn't he love me?"


    Nothing is wrong. I want someone like that.
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    Jul 30, 2010 10:46 PM GMT
    JayDT saidThanks everyone. You've all posted some great points. I do think that perhaps I need to show a little bit more emotional vulnerability and that I need to be more assertive. It's fine if he doesn't want to see me, but what's not fine and what's not cool is ignoring me. No matter what has changed for him, I do not deserve to be ignored.



    There is nothing wrong in being confident as long as its intentions is put into good use! I like confident guys who are not ashamed and quite comfortable at showing their best and worst side because he knows he is only human! on the flip side there is the overly confident guy who tend to scare people away either because he emits an air of superiority, coldness, and indifference as he becomes too distant and reserved on a date.

    Personally I find it a huge turn on when my date shares his vulnerabilities, fears, and weakness on the first date even if he shed a tear or his anger about a topic we may discussed while dating; at least he is giving me a sure sign that he is acting out his human side, and that is definitely a good thing.


    Leandro ♥
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    Jul 31, 2010 3:35 AM GMT
    I don't know. I think you're adorable and you've been a really great person to talk to about losing my Mom. If i were single, I'd be all over you. icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 31, 2010 4:03 AM GMT
    Hey there. I don't think your doing anything wrong. I think you are good looking, intelligent, articulate and a genuinely nice guy. In other words, ideal boyfriend material. I bet whatever it is that it is going on with the other guy has to do with him and his situation and not with you. And I agree, giving you the silent treatment is a crappy thing to do. I wouldn't spend more time worrying about him. There are plenty of other guys out there.
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    Jul 31, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    You can date someone as much as you like but love isn't something that comes with every person you come across - sorry if I'm quoting someone else I just read the initial post.

    Love at first site can also be easily misconstrued as infatuation so try not to get the two mixed up - not easy I know but it's a matter or taking a step back and actually reexamining your feelings.

    You'll meet a guy and maybe fall in love you may also fall out of love over a period and then you'll meet another person and go through the whole thing again. You'll also make lots of friends and lose them well.

    Be yourself, get to know a person well don't anticipate it too much. Most of all be patient. icon_smile.gif
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Jul 31, 2010 4:16 AM GMT
    JayDT saidI feel like I am a very self sufficient and independent guy. But for whatever reason I start dating a guy. I keep it casual and laid back and I don't put any rules or demands on a guy. The only rules I have in a relationship are 1 be honest with me about whatever you are doing and 2 treat me like an equal so that whatever you are doing I can do too. For whatever reason it ends and I just am left laying there wondering "Why doesn't he love me?"

    Do guys want you to tell them you can't do this or you have to do that? What am I doing wrong?


    There is nothing wrong with you in my opinion... and I completely understand. I seem to be in a similar situation myself, but I think it is only augmented by the prevalence of closeted guys in the South. Relationships, especially romantic relationships, are fine diplomatic dances of give and take.

    I don't want to date/live with/marry someone who will lie to me, and treat me as something less than what I treat/feel about him. (AND!, if that guy really loved you, he wouldn't treat you less than his king, and he would not lie to you... at least not about the important things).

    I don't see anything wrong with #1 or #2. I think they are good building blocks for a LTR, which I am hoping to one day find myself. I hope you find someone soon... I'll be depressed about my own prospects if you don't find someone icon_sad.gif