I'm feeling kinda insecure...

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    Jul 29, 2010 5:58 AM GMT
    I look around campus, or at the gym, or even on this site sometimes and I start thinking to myself that I don't really match up to some of these guys. It keeps me from approaching guys (even on this site), and in retrospect I think it kinda keeps them from approaching me. I hear the same things anyone would hear from their friends about how I am good looking, and I just need to gain confidence and go for it. It just seems like I'm more right than they are because everyone seems to go after that "greek god" or blond-haired, blue eyed wonder. And because we're human, I begin to think that since I don't have those features or look like those guys, I'll never meet someone. My friends give me tips on how to get over it, and they haven't really worked.

    So, my question is for those guys who either have general advice or have been there: "What can I do, if anything, to get over it?"
    If youve been there before, feel free to tell your story.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 8:16 AM GMT
    I know how you feel.
    I've felt the same way.
    And, what I've found is that comparing myself to others is an unnecessary way to make myself unhappy.
    Over time, I've learned that I am what I am...no more, and no less. I've learned that I just want to be happy, and I don't want to suffer.
    And, because I'm human and everybody else is human, I make the assumption that others just want to be happy and don't want to suffer. For me, this assumption becomes my truth reference for empathy and compassion.
    So, because I don't want to be feel "less than" (insecure), I generally go out of my way to help others to not feel "less than".
    That usually means that I have to check myself for being prideful.
    I'm seldom clean.
    I continue to try.
    Until I die.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 29, 2010 10:24 AM GMT
    You know what?

    Asking how to get over it ..... you have the answer right in your question
    Get Over It
    and I don't mean to be glib ... or funny
    You just need to realize that comparing yourself to anybody else is a self-defeating waste of time
    If people are saying you're cute or handsome? Believe them
    and say thank you
    because there are plenty of butt ugly people out there
    Are there gorgeous stunning men out there? Sure there are
    But comparing yourself to them isn't going to make you any prettier than you already are
    When it comes to comparing yourself to men with better bodies?
    There .... instead of making yourself feel inferior why not make yourself a promise that you'll put that much more effort in the gym to Look like that someday?
    Don't waste your time with things you can't change and focus on the things you can
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 10:25 AM GMT
    Dude, I think Im ugly 90% of the time
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    Jul 29, 2010 11:33 AM GMT
    Just think: if there are ugly people out there who get laid, then theyre doing something thats working for them.
    And I mean CONFIDENCE. Your friends are right. If you dont think youre hot, youre not gonna believe somebody who thinks you are. Believe it. Own it. Love it. Get it. ;)
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    Jul 29, 2010 11:39 AM GMT
    I don't think anyone ever stops being insecure. There is always someone else that we think is better off. However, we can control how these insecurities impact us. It takes work and a real desire to move beyond self pity to self awareness and pride.

    I am only 5'4" and there are a lot of people who will not date a short guy. This was something that really bothered me as a young man. However, as I got older I recognized there is really nothing I can do about it. I also noticed that worrying about it only had a negative affect on my interactions with other people.

    I also realized that there are lots of people out there that make it through life everyday with much bigger problems than mine who actually live life and make the most of it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOlTdkYXuzE&feature=related

    There are no magic answers to this. You simply must recognize that worrying about the things you cannot change is destructive, and will ultimately cause you more problems. Find the things you love about yourself and use this as motivation to move you forward in your life.

    Accept the things you cannot change, and find ways to improve the areas that you can. This is really the only secret to getting beyond these insecurities. The rest is up to you to find the motivation to make it happen.

    RuPaul says it best, "If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 11:52 AM GMT
    Stop caring what other people think. No one on this site or in the real world is perfect. just because you can't see their imperfections doesn't mean they're not there.

    I'll be damned to let someone tell me I'm unattractive because of my skin color and all minorities should feel the same. FUCK AMERICAS STANDARD OF BEAUTY!!


    and you don't need a body of a greek god to find someone,that's just silly.


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    Jul 29, 2010 11:54 AM GMT
    You're 18. Just enjoy yourself
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 29, 2010 12:01 PM GMT
    You need to realize anybody can feel a little insecure at some point.

    You are a unique guy, full of talents and abilities that others don't have.
    It's easy to get slightly resentful over the guys who seem to get all the attention, but do you really want to attract a guy that sees you just for your looks (and who'd be gone tomorrow when they see another hot dude)?

    There are many here (or about anywhere) who'd enjoy getting to know you.
    If you are friendly, show interest in others and are genuine, you won't have a problem........ and you'll learn, there are some guys who might be cute, but
    you might be better off without them. Good luck!
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:18 PM GMT
    It may not make a difference now, it's difficult to not be totally focussed on what others think of you (or more accurately what you fear others think of you) at your age, but over time it will be less important to you.

    In my experience there is nothing sexier than a confident (not arrogant) man with an easy smile and a generous friendliness. Someone whose friends love and trust him, who is always interested in and polite to strangers.



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    Jul 29, 2010 12:19 PM GMT
    Lenoxx....the white standard of beauty.....nothing like a little gasoline, eh?

    What about all the white guys attracted to men of colour? That all those whites find men of colour beautiful means there is more than one 'white standard of beauty' .

    Black standard of beauty...men of colour finding other men of colour beautiful. What about all those men of colour finding white men beautiful? That would be another black standard of beauty.

    Now, to the OP; you'll hear many talk about loving yourself. I tend to think more along the lines of recognizing your own self-worth. Being in love with yourself feels and sounds too much like narcissism, to me.

    This greeky god and blue eyes blond wonder others drool over is at best a poor way of finding love.

    I'll use me as an example. I was always attracted to the dark Mediterranean look, and men of colour. Now look at Bill's pic. I'm the taller one with the hat.
    His skin, hair and eye colour had zip to do with why I fell for him, hard, fast, deeply, and always.


    The body beautiful, the pale skin, the blue eyes. Fragile fragile things. The candles of them can be blown out easily. A stroke, melanoma, cataracts.

    The body beautiful, the dark skin, the chocolate melting eyes. Fragile fragile things. The candles of them, too, can be easily snuffed. A stroke, sickle cell anemia, skin mottling disease (vitiligo), cataracts.

    The list of diseases and disorders are many; their numbers legion.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:19 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou know what?

    Get Over It
    and I don't mean to be glib ... or funny
    You just need to realize that comparing yourself to anybody else is a self-defeating waste of time
    If people are saying you're cute or handsome? Believe them
    and say thank you

    for me, knowing what to do and doing it are not so easily done. there is a world of difference between what you know you ought to do and just doing it. for anyone with self-esteem issues, telling your self that you are worthy is not a lot different than trying to not be gay. you, being you, have no other point of reference. you can't pronounce yourself lovable and then make decisions that are different.

    you are right, GQ, the answer is in not comparing and believing others when they compliment. BUT, the rub comes when you, and ONLY you, have to overcome the years and years and years of not-believing. it is brutally hard and it (i'm learning) takes more than a life time to over come.

    i am a huge believer in changing your thoughts to change your circumstance (or at least your perception of your circumstance)...e.g., many times we are truly victims, but it is our reaction to the circumstance that determines if we are "victimized" by it. change your thought, change your emotions.

    but we are keenly aware of lying to ourselves..."fake it til you make it" doesn't work because we know we are faking it. so how do you genuinely turn the ship around?
    GQjock saidDon't waste your time with things you can't change and focus on the things you can

    this. but i wouldn't include the "waste your time" part...i would try to notice WHY those things (you can't change) bother you, but ultimately you have to focus on the positive. the brain can't formulate negative statements. in order to say "don't hate yourself," you have to visualize hating yourself first. "don't waste your time" will assume you ARE wasting your time which will only reinforce your feeling of inferiority and eventually undermine your efforts.

    think the best thought you can think about yourself that you truly believe. it has to resonate with you as true, and it can be anything at all...then focus like hell on that. with each step you get further away from self-loathing and closer to accepting yourself and loving yourself.

    empty self-compliments are empty and your unconscious mind laughs at your feeble attempt to love yourself (after all it KNOWS you suck...all attempts to change are just futile efforts that are, to the self-loathing sub-conscious, all in a day's work). this is usually because the sub-conscious is trying to protect you from something...fear, most likely. so you have to team up with it. you have to find common ground with it to make it work for you. you can even ask yourself (when you find this common ground) is the current strategy working to keep you safe? is it fixing the fear? the answer will probably be "no." so offer an alternative that your deepest self can agree with.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:19 PM GMT
    There will always be those who look better, just as there will always be those who look worse.
    The message to take away is that you should care less about how you look and care more about who you are. People who are attracted to you because of your character and personality are the ones you want to keep in your life, not the ones just interested in how you look.
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:22 PM GMT
    ReeseNSX saidI look around campus, or at the gym, or even on this site sometimes and I start thinking to myself that I don't really match up to some of these guys. It keeps me from approaching guys (even on this site), and in retrospect I think it kinda keeps them from approaching me. I hear the same things anyone would hear from their friends about how I am good looking, and I just need to gain confidence and go for it. It just seems like I'm more right than they are because everyone seems to go after that "greek god" or blond-haired, blue eyed wonder. And because we're human, I begin to think that since I don't have those features or look like those guys, I'll never meet someone. My friends give me tips on how to get over it, and they haven't really worked.

    So, my question is for those guys who either have general advice or have been there: "What can I do, if anything, to get over it?"
    If youve been there before, feel free to tell your story.


    You have a beautiful smile kiddo. ;-) x
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:24 PM GMT
    meninlove said Lenoxx....the white standard of beauty.....nothing like a little gasoline, eh?

    What about all the white guys attracted to men of colour? That all those whites find men of colour beautiful means there is more than one 'white standard of beauty' .

    Black standard of beauty...men of colour finding other men of colour beautiful. What about all those men of colour finding white men beautiful? That would be another black standard of beauty.

    Now, to the OP; you'll hear many talk about loving yourself. I tend to think more along the lines of recognizing your own self-worth. Being in love with yourself feels and sounds too much like narcissism, to me.

    This greeky god and blue eyes blond wonder others drool over is at best a poor way of finding love.

    I'll use me as an example. I was always attracted to the dark Mediterranean look, and men of colour. Now look at Bill's pic. I'm the taller one with the hat.
    His skin, hair and eye colour had zip to do with why I fell for him, hard, fast, deeply, and always.


    The body beautiful, the pale skin, the blue eyes. Fragile fragile things. The candles of them can be blown out easily. A stroke, melanoma, cataracts.

    The body beautiful, the dark skin, the chocolate melting eyes. Fragile fragile things. The candles of them, too, can be easily snuffed. A stroke, sickle cell anemia, skin mottling disease (vitiligo), cataracts.

    The list of diseases and disorders are many; their numbers legion.

    -Doug


    Lol, nice to read ... poetic. And as meaningful as ever.

    But seriously mate, you need to grab a vodka, smoke a fag and watch an episode of "Keeping Up Appearances" or something ;-) x
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:39 PM GMT
    meninlove said Lenoxx....the white standard of beauty.....nothing like a little gasoline, eh?

    What about all the white guys attracted to men of colour? That all those whites find men of colour beautiful means there is more than one 'white standard of beauty' .

    Black standard of beauty...men of colour finding other men of colour beautiful. What about all those men of colour finding white men beautiful? That would be another black standard of beauty.


    Now, to the OP; you'll hear many talk about loving yourself. I tend to think more along the lines of recognizing your own self-worth. Being in love with yourself feels and sounds too much like narcissism, to me.

    This greeky god and blue eyes blond wonder others drool over is at best a poor way of finding love.

    I'll use me as an example. I was always attracted to the dark Mediterranean look, and men of colour. Now look at Bill's pic. I'm the taller one with the hat.
    His skin, hair and eye colour had zip to do with why I fell for him, hard, fast, deeply, and always.


    The body beautiful, the pale skin, the blue eyes. Fragile fragile things. The candles of them can be blown out easily. A stroke, melanoma, cataracts.

    The body beautiful, the dark skin, the chocolate melting eyes. Fragile fragile things. The candles of them, too, can be easily snuffed. A stroke, sickle cell anemia, skin mottling disease (vitiligo), cataracts.

    The list of diseases and disorders are many; their numbers legion.

    -Doug


    huh? you didn't understand what I meant by saying white. I changed my white to Americas.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    Say, thanks Lenoxx!

    -Doug
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    Jul 29, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    Everybody is an individual with his or her own build, talents, and interests - and that person cannot be directly compared to others in absolute terms. Live a healthy, fulfilled lifestyle and be happy with what you ended up with while embracing every new day with open arms and an open mind.

    smiley_coffee.gif
    Nate
  • cromi

    Posts: 489

    Jul 29, 2010 4:09 PM GMT
    op, now all you have to do is listen to the above comments cause they know what they are saying cause they are old(j/k but if you want to hurt me, i really dont mind a lil spanking :p)...

    trust me, experience is the best answer...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    I think that nowadays being a minority is in, being exotic is in, a lot of people in the internet ask how can I look more exotic? so now white is not the only standard of beauty, if it was I'd still be a virgin icon_razz.gif
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Jul 29, 2010 4:16 PM GMT
    I agree with everything else that's posted, but would add that when friends or others complement you, be genuine and say thank you. Don't argue with them, to their face or in your head. Internalize what they're telling you, because it's true.
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    Jul 29, 2010 4:20 PM GMT
    Are u serious and you are feeling like that at UCF? wow... A lot has to do wiht your surrounding too man. I use to be like that sometimes, if you are around a group of people who dont exactly feel the same way that you do. It happens, All you have to do is you make new friends, join more multi cultural communities. be part of more of the less popular crowd as well and you will see ... you will look at things differently...
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 29, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    Be healthy. Keep your body and your mind well exercised.

    Accept those compliments. Why not? People usually don't waste their time on lying.

    I have been out of the house a bit more than usual the last couple of cays and have noticed several fairly ordinary looking people that had an attractive edge to them. They put just a little extra effort into simple clothes, grooming and attitude. We need more of that and probably a lot less of the magazine stuff. Besides, the fashion plates are not, in my experience, all that interesting to talk to.
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    Jul 29, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    devilish_intentions said a lot of people in the internet ask how can I look more exotic?


    I always suggest pink feathers

    (y en inglés no se muestra la pregunta en estilo indirecto, sería más bien "a lot of people ask how they can look more exotic". Pero los gringos hacen el mismo error, así que... ppffff tranquilo)
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    Jul 29, 2010 4:52 PM GMT
    Just remember: you are on the inside looking out. And if the inside is beautiful, the outside will be too.