Moving in with your man

  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 04, 2007 3:08 AM GMT
    My BF just moved in with me, we have been together for about a year and 7 months. I have never lived with any of my BF's before. I just wanted to know if there are any other guys out there who have just moved in with a BF. Is it realistic to have expectations about moving in with your man? I do have expectations concerning communication and fidelity but anything beyond that I think is relative. Let me know what you guys think.

    Doug
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    Jun 04, 2007 3:25 AM GMT
    I have lived with a few bf's and loved it and hated it. It's all what you made it. When I was younger, I was sort of bad at negotiating the grace that love and space with anyone requires.

    Now that I'm older, I still have some learning to do, but have come to the understanding that for me to be healthy for every minute i spend with someone i need at least a minute alone.

    But I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned expectations. These are the things we rarely examine, although we may be very conscious of them and they seem to make perfect sense. These are what cause the gravity and friction of living, and we are more in control of them, and they are not as rational as they seem.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 04, 2007 3:56 AM GMT
    Hey Madapollo, thanks for the reply. I'm curious, are you currently living with someone right now, and if so how are things going for the two of you if I may ask?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 04, 2007 10:47 AM GMT
    It all depends on the dynamic btw you two
    ...communication is key esp in this situation where you'll literally be together for a good part of everyday
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    Jun 04, 2007 3:19 PM GMT
    I think you have to go into it knowing that things will change for you. You are now sharing your personal space and time with soemone else.

    We all develope personal habits that best fit our lifestyle and we tend to get very comortable with those habits. The time we wake up, sleep, how long we spend in the shower, closet space, finances, what TV programs you watch, how late you stay up, meals, etc.

    Be prepared to compromise and expect that you may be required to make changes. It's not a bad thing, it's just differnt than what you're use to.

    Remember that he will also be doing/going through the same thing. When my partner and I moved in together, there wasn't any kind of official list or announcement regarding his or my expectations of each other. We sort of just let things happen. Initially, we devided everything equally. Cleaning, cooking, finanaces, laundry, shopping, etc. As time went on, we both realized that he was better at certain things and the same for me. For example, instead of alternating the cooking and cleaning, we realized that he was the better cook and I was better at cleaning up after meals.

    Anyway, just expect that things will change and that it's okay. Go about your normal routine, and modify as you go along. Be patient and remember, he's going through it too.

    Good luck.
  • Gabriel

    Posts: 26

    Jun 04, 2007 3:36 PM GMT
    I've been living with my partner for the last 5 years. There are ups and downs - surprises and lots of WTF!

    He moved into my apartment so there was some compromise - or so i thought!

    One thing that sticks out in my mind is he moved in in October - and xmas was right around the corner. I was away from home so he decided to put up the tree. He put all his decorations on the tree and was extremely proud to show me the tree when i got back. Well - i had been feeling a little put out by all his stuff invading my space and just seeing the tree with none of my decorations on it - stuff my mom hand made - set me off!

    What he was trying to do though is to let me put these pieces up - so i could feel involved with the tree. I didn't know that when i freaked out (a French Gemini so i'm really volatile - lol). We talked about it after and i ended up understanding.

    Long story to say - communicate communicate communicate.

    If you're moving into one apt or the other it's going to be tough for both. One's gonna feel like he's not home, the other's gonna feel like he's being put out.

    If you're gonna move in - suggest purchasing a main piece of furniture together. Buy a new bed together. That way it's not your bed/his bed.. it's both your bed!

    Expect to trash stuff you like/love. But negotiate it = "ok sweetie you hate my xyz but i hate your yyz - so let's both trash them".

    Oh - and expect days you're gonna want to rip his face off - but understand there is gonna be days he's gonna feel the same... but that's just part of committed relationships.

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    Jun 04, 2007 4:32 PM GMT
    .....and get everything in writing with respect to finances. I know it's not very romantic but it's a neccesity! We've all watched Judge Judy!!

    Never, never, and never mix your money. That's a recipe for disaster. You may do that down the line (like after 5 yrs) but in such a young relationship it's a huge mistake.

    Sorry to take the romance out of it but think with your head and not your heart.
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    Jun 04, 2007 9:16 PM GMT
    I think it can work if you're both similar in how you like to live. There's such a difference between visiting your boy's pad for a few hours/days versus being there sans escape! LOL! Men have so many quirks that its all a matter of finding out what you can and cannot deal with in the long run. My boyfriend is quite hot and I often want to stay in bed with him and play around in the morning. Of couse, if I do that then I won't be going to the gym everyday (as I prefer), which is why we don't live together.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 05, 2007 3:49 AM GMT
    Hey guys, thanks for all the imput. I never realized the work that goes into living with another guy. This is week one, so far so good. Let me put this out there also, for you guys that live with your mates, do you share computers?
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    Jun 05, 2007 6:26 AM GMT
    In my experience, I have found that it is very important to realise that there are going to be personal traits and habits in each of you that the other will not even have considered.

    The strange noise he makes brushing his teeth, the unusual way he hangs out the washing, the previously hidden talent for floral arrangements etc etc. We all have our idiosyncracies and part of a successful domestic partnership is to appreciate and accept all the little things that make up your man.

    Honesty and communication is definitely the key. Don't let something get on your nerves to the point of arguments, tell him right away what you are feeling.
    And allow each other a personal area, a space, something that is uniquely yours.
    Strangely, in all the times I have lived with a partner, I have insisted we have seperate bedrooms. This gives each of us our own personal space to escape to for a quiet read, or a place to keep our bedside table exactly how we like it etc. And its fun because we then have "sleepovers" in each others bedroom. Meh, it works for me.
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    Jun 05, 2007 8:12 AM GMT
    I don't live with my bf right now. I live with a guy who is almost like a bf in many ways, but definitely not. He does offer me opportunities for practice of living with a bf.

    But I think that you help yourself out by in a wise way playing to your lowest common denominator. What I mean is, plan on getting in each other's way so that means without much ado, make space for each other. Thinking in the passion of the honeymoon that you can share all the space, computer, my X-Box, my Pedro Almodovar collection, my 44 Degrees North Vodka, and will both share responsibility for the place, is a bit naive, maybe.

    In some respects its just like any other roommate where you need to negotiate space, only everything is more emotionally charged. So it can be like the worst of both worlds. Just kidding.

    I think the negotiation and compromise involved in doing life with someone is what ascends us. This is hard to grapple with in a mindset that is about instant gratification and a rather myopic focus on my own needs as priority.

    If I think that seriously partnering with someone is going to make me happy, then I'm deluded as the partnering is a journey that has quite a few difficult passages at best. But it is precisely that that makes life richer and affords a new kind of happiness.
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    Jun 05, 2007 8:31 AM GMT
    Keep it Relative my brotha, keep it relative...LOL! From everyone I know, they all say don't have any expectations, just kinda go with the flow. always communicate, and if shit goes wrong, don't just bail, swallow your pride and seek help, the both of you...but forget the advice...Congrats, I hope you and your Partner have a wonderful time together...and good luck.
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    Jun 05, 2007 10:27 AM GMT
    "do you share computers?"

    Oh, God no!!! IMO, separate computers are right up there in importance with separate bedrooms. An absolute must have!
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 05, 2007 11:41 AM GMT
    Hi Cityguy

    I've lived with my partner for 3 years and they've been the best three years of my life. I think we dated for about the same length of time you and your fella have. We moved in together because he got a new job really near to where I lived.

    As some of the other posters have said. Living together successfully is about communication and compromise. Don't expect it'll be a bed of roses. People have moods and argue, that's life. Give each other space to be individuals and if an argument gets really heated, then walk away and calm down. Like you I had never lived with a guy before and I figured it would be hard to adjust, but guess what? It wasn't at all.

    As far as separate computers goes. Why? Unless one of you needs a technically far superior model (for work), it's just taking up space. My fella and I share a computer and it works out fine (I hang around Realjock.com, he hangs around StephenSondheim.com..haha).

    The nicest thing in the world is going to bed with someone you love and waking up with someone you love.

    Good Luck

    Loz
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 05, 2007 12:06 PM GMT
    Thanks Laurence, good points well taken. Thanks to all you guys for you support and comments.
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    Jun 05, 2007 11:02 PM GMT
    Cityguy39,

    I think your communication is the KEY role in any relationship with either a good friend, family, or Boyfriend. Like you I just moved in with my boyfriend of just a little over a year. We keep our comunication skills open. We have to give an take, not just be "MY WAY" Be open, listen to what each other has to say. FIDELITY is a major question that should be understood on both sides, not just one. Sometimes an open relationship works and sometimes it doesn't. Remeber the pro's and con's. I like my relationship closed.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 06, 2007 4:18 AM GMT
    Bbling73 we should compare progress notes! lol
    Seriously, how long has it been for you two so far?
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    Oct 15, 2009 5:08 PM GMT
    id say it really depends on the couple. Ive moved in with bf's after 2 months, some 6 months. It's all about chemistry.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 15, 2009 5:28 PM GMT
    UPDATE-Just to let you guys know, when I originally posted this thread things were great. Well as most of you know or may not know things did not workout with my now ex, we are trying to work on a friendship, we broke up for the third and final time back in March of this year. I still want to eventually move in with my guy whenever I find him(if it's right). I'm glad I did it though because now I know I can do, it just has to be with the right guy. BTW, living together just sped up underlying problems we already had, he moved in June of 07 and was out out by Feb of 08. I do not recommend living with your ex while in mid breakup EVER!!!!
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    Oct 15, 2009 6:39 PM GMT
    We share the bed and share computers. We're planning to raise children together too. To me not moving in with your mate doesn't qualify as a LTR. I've lived with my last two ex's. This is the only way to test whether you're truly compatible.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Oct 15, 2009 8:44 PM GMT
    MtndudeSF, I feel you there. I agree, living with him is the only real way to know for sure.
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    Oct 16, 2009 11:32 AM GMT
    cityguy39 saidMtndudeSF, I feel you there. I agree, living with him is the only real way to know for sure.


    did you not know before hand?
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    Oct 26, 2009 1:42 PM GMT
    Hey, me and my boyfriend bought a house together last January. We've been together for a little over two years now.

    I do not agree that an LTR is rooted in living together. There are many different types of people that exist in the world and with that many types of relationships. I've known couples who have co-existed madly in love for years but have never co-habitated or spoke about marriage. So it is definitely NOT the only way you can know for sure.

    But getting back on track, Communication and fidelity are awesom things, but don't forget that for the most part those simply apply to your actual relationship. Don't forget that now that you two have moved in together you have crossed that line of being just boyfriends, and now you are venturing into the wondeful world of domestic partnership.

    He's a business partner now and its really important you take the time to establish some ground rules, for the two of you. Who's expected to do what? Who's job is it to get what done? These things will help you in the long run. Because should anything go wrong, no one can claim that they didn't know it was their responsibility.

    For the most part, over the next year will be you two making many accomodations for each other, slowly negotiating this contract of your life together. As much as you love him and as much as he loves you, don't be hurt and begin to question obsessively should either one of you begin to feel smothered. Should either one of you begin to feel that you place is becomming more a reflection of one than the other. Things are definitely going to change, but it can be a good change given you continue the same practices that have helped you two get this far.
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    Jan 13, 2010 7:12 PM GMT
    I moved in with my bf after 4 months. At the time it felt right but looking back definitely a bad move on my part. Make sure you get to know the person first and get past the sexual part of it.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 13, 2010 10:01 PM GMT
    great thread guys thanks! thanks for all the advise! im moving in with my bf come february!