self-confidence...

  • paullie_l

    Posts: 15

    Jul 31, 2010 6:42 AM GMT
    I'm 21 now, I'm supposed to be living the 'intro' to the prime of my life. Have friends around me, supposedly someone 'special', or just enjoying life as it is.

    But so many times (on a daily basis sometimes), I just feel like I have no self-confidence in myself. Feels like life is nothing like it should be. I don't have courage to talk to that guy; I'm not living for the moment, and enjoying whatever comes my way; I can't make new friends in a new city.... all those kinda things really get to me...

    And then I see those people (not just guys in particular), who just seem to take life by the horns, who just live it, not minding what other people think, living thier own authentic selves... HOW DO YOU DO IT??? How do I get to the point where I'm comfortable in my own skin? Accept myself for who I am? Be content with my body, my looks etcetc.

    Is this confusing? Am I just blowing off some steam on here, and not making sense?? icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 6:49 AM GMT
    Step ONE) Fall down, Get up
    Step TWO) Fall down, Get up
    Step THREE) Repeat steps ONE and TWO until you feel better about yourself

    I feel we never grow until we hurt. We never hurt until we fail.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 7:01 AM GMT
    I know what you mean and I used to be in your situation. You can't just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Don't like something about your life? Change it. Don't sit there and wait for someone or something to just magically make everything all better.

    Don't like how you look? Hit the gym, hard. Can't make friends? Do what you love and friends will come to you. Help out a charity, join a sports team. There are tons of things you can do. I used to have problems having conversations with people and I (somewhat) fixed that by making myself talk to people; I became a waiter. I was overweight so I got a gym membership and worked my ass off.

    It's a process, you aren't going to wake up one morning and be super outgoing with a ton of self-esteem. It takes time. Just keep putting yourself out there and don't get discouraged when you embarrass yourself, get turned down, or someone doesn't like you for who you are.

    "We either make ourselves happy or miserable, the amount of work is the same"

  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jul 31, 2010 12:04 PM GMT
    listen darling, even those who seem fully confident have their insecurities and feel inadequate, those with great bodies have insecurities about other stuff, we all do, am i smart enough, am i strong enough, am i handsome enough? but you know what? you are all of the above, smart, handsome, strong and you only have to prove things to one person: yourself.

    it might sound crazy but i say this to myself every day: Damn you look good and you are smart.

    the chap that said if you need friends join a charity shop or do a sport is absolutely right.
    keep that chin up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
    jprichva saidSweetie, everyone feels like an impostor when they're young. It takes years to realize that what you're faking to be really IS you. That's when you become 'confident'.

    JP, I find it hard to believe there was ever a time, however remote, when you lacked confidence.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 31, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
    You know what ......

    Terms like "Self-confidence"
    and "Taking the Bull by the horns"
    are getting in the way of the real truth

    The key is accepting who you are and being happy with it
    If you're there already? .. Problem solved

    If not then ask yourself
    If you can change things and make things better
    what would it or they be? ... and answer that in concrete terms
    Would that be adding a few pounds of muscle?
    Or dropping a waist size or two
    Then say I'm going to do everything I can to get there
    Just the fact that you're making a difference will change how you feel
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 12:10 PM GMT
    "Be what you wish to seem." Plato.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 12:32 PM GMT
    paullie_l saidI'm 21 now, I'm supposed to be living the 'intro' to the prime of my life. Have friends around me, supposedly someone 'special', or just enjoying life as it is.

    But so many times (on a daily basis sometimes), I just feel like I have no self-confidence in myself. Feels like life is nothing like it should be. I don't have courage to talk to that guy; I'm not living for the moment, and enjoying whatever comes my way; I can't make new friends in a new city.... all those kinda things really get to me...

    And then I see those people (not just guys in particular), who just seem to take life by the horns, who just live it, not minding what other people think, living thier own authentic selves... HOW DO YOU DO IT??? How do I get to the point where I'm comfortable in my own skin? Accept myself for who I am? Be content with my body, my looks etcetc.

    Is this confusing? Am I just blowing off some steam on here, and not making sense?? icon_eek.gif


    Aaaaaw, bless. You're just a baby, really. And an intelligent one to be having thoughts like this. Reckon you'll have truly discovered your self confidence by the age of 25 max, lost it by 28, rediscovered it by 30, lost it again by 32, then be reborn and more confident than ever and feel like you just discovered who you are by 34 ...

    Am I projecting here?

    Lol, confidence is a swings and roundabouts and roller coaster game, ultimately.

    At least it has been for me.
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Jul 31, 2010 12:42 PM GMT
    Hi Paullie,
    The Guys are right. I am 52 and just now getting myself together. I am very insecure, and was depressed a lot. I have learned a lot from everyone on this site and I still am. As everyone has said, if there is something you don't like, change it. It is a really good Idea to volunteer in something helping other people and or animals. I volunteer at the food bank, and the dog rescue shelter. You would be amazed at how good it makes you feel. You will find friends while working in the places that have the same interest as you. Don't just choose any service. Find something that you are passionate about. I used to feel ugly, fat, and like I don’t measure up to almost everyone. One thing the guys in RJ have taught me, if I don't like what I see, change it. I have and I am. I like me a lot better everyday. There will still be times when the negative me comes creeping into my head, but everyday it get easier to push that guy right back out. It takes time buddy. Do what makes you happy, don't compare yourself to others. We are all different and all special in our own way. Start now with little things in your life. Everyday take one negative thought and replace it with a positive affirmation. Do it now. Don't wait until you are 52. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    I have a lot of friends without self-confidence. I often tell them, just to do it. You will never know until you try.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 31, 2010 1:12 PM GMT
    Well I'd like to ask some questions... are you working? Are you in school or about to receive your college degree? Seeking any post high school education?
    Are you out? How did all that go?

    Let me say you are taking to somebody who used to lack self confidence (in high school) on certain things, but never in myself or what I could accomplish. To give you a "generalized" answer, part of it is just growing up, maturing, realizing some of your goals, experiencing some of what life is going to dish to you... "good and bad" and learning to deal with it.

    There is a "line" to be learned.. between sensitivity for other people that you care about and knowing yourself well enough to "discard comments or views from others that don't matter". It is interesting to look back and remember some of the things I was so concerned about when I was younger, that now mean little. The bottom line is, you have to like yourself and appreciate who you are. Sometimes it takes time to learn it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 1:14 PM GMT
    You can actually take a course or join a group that will help you to build self-confidence. Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People or something like Toastmasters will greatly overcome any lack of confidence you may have. I've recommended this process to specific people in my locale and am amazed to see the positive change in their personalities. Try it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 1:26 PM GMT
    paullie_l saidI'm 21 now, I'm supposed to be living the 'intro' to the prime of my life. Have friends around me, supposedly someone 'special', or just enjoying life as it is.

    But so many times (on a daily basis sometimes), I just feel like I have no self-confidence in myself. Feels like life is nothing like it should be. I don't have courage to talk to that guy; I'm not living for the moment, and enjoying whatever comes my way; I can't make new friends in a new city.... all those kinda things really get to me...

    And then I see those people (not just guys in particular), who just seem to take life by the horns, who just live it, not minding what other people think, living thier own authentic selves... HOW DO YOU DO IT??? How do I get to the point where I'm comfortable in my own skin? Accept myself for who I am? Be content with my body, my looks etcetc.

    Is this confusing? Am I just blowing off some steam on here, and not making sense?? icon_eek.gif


    Other people have said some good things, so just something I want to add:

    There's no magic bullet. There's no sudden flash of insight that's going to make everything better. What works, and it takes time, is to practice.

    For me there have been two constant challenges - turning down the volume on the self-critical voices in my head, and getting past a general fear that keeps me from doing things I want to do.

    For the first what's helped is sort of a meditation thing. Sit quietly and make the inside of your head completely quiet. No words. No commenting, no reviewing, just nothing. It;s very hard at first, sometimes it helps to imagine a dot, or a circle, or a tone, or some single thing. Do that for 5 min twice a day, or three times a day, and after a while you get so you can do it on command - like when you're at a party and feeling insecure, etc.

    For the second, I think "what's the worst thing that could happen". Make it real. You might say something stupid. OK, sure, Most people won't even notice. Once you start dealing with _real_ risks it gets a lot easier.

    I think this is one of the reasons that people say this stuff gets better and easier with age. It's because even without trying too hard most people figure out ways to make it better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 2:19 PM GMT
    paullieJ, perhaps consider that you have some aspects about you that you already ARE self assured about.

    Here's an example, when I was in my 20s, and feeling rather insecure (by the way, you'll always feel insecure about somethingin yourself; it inspires and motivates you to self - improvement, lol) I began being the runner for meals-on-wheels for the infirm, housebound, and elderly. I did some good for others simply for the joy in it. I discovered a goodness in me. That part of myself I began feeling happy and confident about. The feeling began expressing itself in the way I carried myself, in the way I grinned, in the way I spoke to others.

    Do you see how this works? This can come from artistic achievement, from work, from education. It's not the same as being proud, or ego-inflation, but rather from self admiration, if that makes sense. As you can see there are many fountains of self-confidence. Find yours. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 2:34 PM GMT
    paullie_l said...
    And then I see those people (not just guys in particular), who just seem to take life by the horns, who just live it, not minding what other people think, living thier own authentic selves... HOW DO YOU DO IT???
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 2:38 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    paullie_l said...
    And then I see those people (not just guys in particular), who just seem to take life by the horns, who just live it, not minding what other people think, living thier own authentic selves... HOW DO YOU DO IT???


    My thoughts exactly!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    Its risky to believe in yourself.
    But its even riskier not to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 5:37 PM GMT
    Love your SELF. Just do things which makes you HAPPY. Feel good about yourself. DO NOT compare yourself with others. DO things only to make you happy... Its you who have to love you the most..

    Try to relax daily and give yourself idle time... Slowly you will get a grip on your self and mind...

    It is a slow process.. Get going.....

    Good luck !!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 5:46 PM GMT
    Just do it
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jul 31, 2010 6:03 PM GMT
    Dude...it starts by loving yourself....the good...the bad...and the ugly.....Getting to the point in your life when you act because it's in your best interest...not my bf's ....not your friend's...not your family....Sometimes selfish can be a good thing when it's related to your personal satisfaction.....Because baby in the end....The people that truly care and love you....want YOU to be happy....Follow your passions man.....and got for it......Kisses....BUD
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    paullie_l saidI'm 21 now, I'm supposed to be living the 'intro' to the prime of my life. Have friends around me, supposedly someone 'special', or just enjoying life as it is.

    But so many times (on a daily basis sometimes), I just feel like I have no self-confidence in myself. Feels like life is nothing like it should be. I don't have courage to talk to that guy; I'm not living for the moment, and enjoying whatever comes my way; I can't make new friends in a new city.... all those kinda things really get to me...

    And then I see those people (not just guys in particular), who just seem to take life by the horns, who just live it, not minding what other people think, living thier own authentic selves... HOW DO YOU DO IT??? How do I get to the point where I'm comfortable in my own skin? Accept myself for who I am? Be content with my body, my looks etcetc.

    Is this confusing? Am I just blowing off some steam on here, and not making sense?? icon_eek.gif


    Don't worry about failing or not coming out on top. Put yourself out there and see what happens. And remember this.. at 21, you're not even close to the prime of your life, that comes with experience.

    Wait till you hit 40, you will be having a blast, and wishing you knew then what you know now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 10:01 PM GMT
    amar_m saidJust do it Paulflexes
    Fixed. icon_biggrin.gif
  • paullie_l

    Posts: 15

    Jul 31, 2010 10:02 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell I'd like to ask some questions... are you working? Are you in school or about to receive your college degree? Seeking any post high school education?
    Are you out? How did all that go?

    Let me say you are taking to somebody who used to lack self confidence (in high school) on certain things, but never in myself or what I could accomplish. To give you a "generalized" answer, part of it is just growing up, maturing, realizing some of your goals, experiencing some of what life is going to dish to you... "good and bad" and learning to deal with it.

    There is a "line" to be learned.. between sensitivity for other people that you care about and knowing yourself well enough to "discard comments or views from others that don't matter". It is interesting to look back and remember some of the things I was so concerned about when I was younger, that now mean little. The bottom line is, you have to like yourself and appreciate who you are. Sometimes it takes time to learn it.


    yeah... actually starting my first 'full-time' job on Monday... just bought a coffee shop with my mother... Nope, never got the opportunity to study further (p.s. i'm not pitying myself, i know everything happens for a reason...). As soon as the shop's running a bit smoother, I want to start studying...

    OUT... not yet, but getting there (to a few close friends). You know when you reach that time when you really feel you can't go on living this lie... well, i'm there right now! I know it's only a matter of weeks, or a few months before I can't go on but tell my parents.

    problem with me is... I grew up in a family and environment that teaches all these things... I've done the volunteering (10 months, being a teacher to illiterate AIDS-orphans in an orphanage), the positive thinking... all that stuff... i know it's all choice - changing and so... but some part of me finds it so hard to pursue the passions I have (performing arts - music/drama/dance)... I know that's what I've always loved in my life, the one thing that gives me release, relaxes me... but I just can't seem to break back into it again. holy crap... listen to me ranting on?! haha

    Change... choice... I will, thanks guys! For all the advice, really appreciate it! Guess it's just a repetitive learning curve life throws at us all!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 10:17 PM GMT
    Ok, since I dance I have to seem like im self confident. Walk out on the floor and tell myself im better than everyone. Took me a while to be like that. Im an ego maniac. I tell myself im great, the best and ya ya ya. I have insecurities like everyone else, but i still know im great. Now im not so up my own ass as to not accept kindness from others and so on, but what you need to do is tell urself that you rock. A took a bad blow to the ego recently and it has never happened before, but i kept trucking. Do the same, it'll take a bit, but have faith in urself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 31, 2010 10:22 PM GMT
    Self-confidence is overrated. True success is marrying rich and collecting rent from property you inherited while kvetching with Snooki poolside.