Don't you hate it...

  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Aug 01, 2010 8:05 PM GMT
    When you have to tell a guy you don't think it will work / you aren't interested? I know what its like to be led on and/or get very vague mixed messages from a guy. So I try to adopt a policy of being direct and forward; I feel it gives the other person a sense of closure so they aren't chasing shadows for weeks or maybe even months before finally realizing they just aren't into you, cause we've all been there.

    I try to suggest friendship, but I often get a dejected response that they were only looking for a boyfriend, and they completely cease all communication.

    What are your takes on this painful part of the dating landscape? Is it wrong to be direct? Or would you prefer it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2010 8:51 PM GMT
    Well, this must be one of the hardest things to do for a gay man? Owning up to your feelings and telling the other that it will not work out. This is why millions of other gay men instead chose the 'cease-all-communication-first' instead, because they don't have the guts for an honest talk.

    So, congrats on being so mature about these things. And I'm really sorry that your dates don't want to keep you around as a friend instead. You sound like a great guy to have as a friend.
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    Aug 01, 2010 9:57 PM GMT
    I don't think there's anything wrong with being direct. But I'd guess it's difficult for most to make that transition from having romantic feelings for someone to being just friends.

  • Aug 02, 2010 3:15 AM GMT
    That guy who said somethingI try to suggest friendship, but I often get a dejected response that they were only looking for a boyfriend, and they completely cease all communication.


    Yeah, don't do this. It comes across as you giving them your friendship out of pity. People hate being spoken down to like that so don't do it. In fact, if you want to make them feel better, lie and say you have AIDS or that the court recently ruled that your second DUI has resulted in you not having a license for 5 years. They'll feel like they barely dodged a bullet, and so will you.

    In a similar vein, I've invited several guys from the internet over for what were basically going to be fuckdates/hookups where we chill for a bit first and gotten the "Sorry just not feeling it but lets be friends" bullshit. Because that's totally awesome being friends with someone you really had no intention of seeing again after that night. We just got along so well for those past ten minutes, you know?

    I would casually walk them over to check out a cheap, chintzy painting I kept by the door and then I would literally shove them out of the apartment. Not like I was trying to knock them to the floor or anything, but they'd be so confused that they'd offer no resistance and by the time they were standing on the welcome mat I was already closing the door and saying goodbye.

    Yeah, I know, I sound like an asshole. But I think I did everyone involved a favor by not forcing them to stay and make awkward small talk that wasn't going to lead to sex. Sometimes you just have to take charge and meet these issues head on.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Aug 02, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
    unfounded7 saidI don't think there's anything wrong with being direct. But I'd guess it's difficult for most to make that transition from having romantic feelings for someone to being just friends.
    This is so true. I admit to hating to tell a guy I'm not into them but do it because honesty is the best policy and I know I get rejected thousands of times myself usually through ignores....icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    It hurts but honesty is the best policy. Why lead someone on that you have no intention of dating. You can try to soften the blow but being honest is best.