So I have this friend

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    Aug 01, 2010 8:13 PM GMT
    So I have this friend... She was with her boyfriend for five years, until he killed himself in May. She's already dating again... I broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months back in January and I still am not ready to move on... Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? Did I love my ex more than she loved him so it's easier for her? In need of advice!!!
  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Aug 01, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    Using someone else as an analogue for your own life doesn't work. Every person is inherently unique. Unless you can read minds, you don't know for sure what is actually going on in her head; she could be dating again as a rebound from a tragic loss and she is looking for someone to comfort her, but its not my place to judge.

    My point is, you will know when you are ready for another relationship, trust yourself more, and it will fall into place. Just be careful thoughts of your ex don't start to consume your life.
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    Aug 01, 2010 8:28 PM GMT
    Frostea23 saidEvery person is inherently unique.

    End of discussion.
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    Aug 01, 2010 8:34 PM GMT
    18 months seems like a long time, if it's your break up that preventing you from moving on.
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    Aug 01, 2010 8:41 PM GMT
    Frostea23 saidUsing someone else as an analogue for your own life doesn't work. Every person is inherently unique. Unless you can read minds, you don't know for sure what is actually going on in her head; she could be dating again as a rebound from a tragic loss and she is looking for someone to comfort her, but its not my place to judge.

    My point is, you will know when you are ready for another relationship, trust yourself more, and it will fall into place. Just be careful thoughts of your ex don't start to consume your life.



    And if thoughts of my ex are consuming my life...?
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    Aug 01, 2010 8:53 PM GMT
    Arfurnas saidAnd if thoughts of my ex are consuming my life...?

    It's not your friend who has the problem.
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    Aug 01, 2010 8:56 PM GMT
    unfounded7 said
    Arfurnas saidAnd if thoughts of my ex are consuming my life...?

    It's not your friend who has the problem.



    Oh I am DEFINITELY realizing that...
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    Aug 01, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    If you broke up with him, why are thoughts of him consuming your life?
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    Aug 01, 2010 10:25 PM GMT
    Because I've wanted him back for a while now, I know I can't have him, and that even if I did it probably would turn out badly. But I can't shake this feeling that I have for him... He's on my mind constantly, everything reminds me of him and I don't know how to make it stop.icon_cry.gif
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    Aug 01, 2010 11:47 PM GMT
    That's a tough one. I have a situation of my own in which I can't get some guy off my mind. Thoughts of him aren't consuming my life but there are feelings that won't go away. I don't know what to do about it. UGH!

  • Aug 02, 2010 12:05 AM GMT
    Yeah, you should stop imagining your life if you were back with him because that's just a fantasy world you have already admitted can never become reality. You're stuck in the here and now where your ex is no longer a part of your life.

    So, I guess, the one thing you're not doing is moving the fuck on. Stop thinking about him all the time, all you're doing is empowering those thoughts and making them a part of your daily routine. Get drunk with friends and do fun shit or something. I dunno, like smoke weed with your buddies and hop on a trampoline before watching Saving Silverman. Do fun shit that doesn't require your ex and you'll eventually realize he's not all that important.

    Another thing that might help is not engaging in big discussions about your ex and why you can't get over him.
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    Aug 02, 2010 12:51 AM GMT
    PabstBlueRibbon saidYeah, you should stop imagining your life if you were back with him because that's just a fantasy world you have already admitted can never become reality. You're stuck in the here and now where your ex is no longer a part of your life.

    So, I guess, the one thing you're not doing is moving the fuck on. Stop thinking about him all the time, all you're doing is empowering those thoughts and making them a part of your daily routine. Get drunk with friends and do fun shit or something. I dunno, like smoke weed with your buddies and hop on a trampoline before watching Saving Silverman. Do fun shit that doesn't require your ex and you'll eventually realize he's not all that important.

    Another thing that might help is not engaging in big discussions about your ex and why you can't get over him.



    I tried that!!! I was drunk for basically 3 months, having a blast, living my life the way I wanted to, doing things I never did with him. And you know what I really wanted to be doing all that time, was living my life with him, believe me, I have gotten into very heated discussions with some of my friends about it telling me to do the exact same thing "Move on, Move on, MOVE ON!!!" And I find that very difficult. When someone as important as he was in my life is gone out of it completely, its hard to move on. I've at least stopped sleeping with the one and only thing I have of his, an old tshirt that I used to wear around our apartment. Its still hanging in the closet, but I don't think I could ever bear to part with it...
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    Aug 02, 2010 1:44 AM GMT

    There is a difference Arfumas. She KNOWS she can't have him back. In your situation there's the faint hope clause, (which can be toxic), because your ex still lives.


  • Aug 02, 2010 3:05 AM GMT
    ^That dude is right. You need to take his life to get yours back. It is the only way. Good idea, dude.
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    Aug 02, 2010 2:42 PM GMT
    Ignore Pabst. He's a troll admin is very likely aware of.

  • tokugawa

    Posts: 945

    Aug 02, 2010 6:44 PM GMT
    You need to meet new people, try new things.

    Is there something you always wanted to try, but never got around to it? Now is the time to do it. In order to meet new people you need to make yourself available for someone new.

    Do something wild. Do something intense. Hire a personal trainer. Join the gay wrestling club in Chicago, even if you never wrestled before. see:

    http://www.wrestlechicago.com/info.html

    Sign up for a fun course: foreign language, cooking, acting, trapeze, ballroom dancing, ancient Roman architecture; something you always wanted to learn but were never required to.

    Get involved with a gay (or straight) political group. Join Human Rights Campaign and promote gay rights. Join Amnesty International and help free prisoners of conscience. Is there some issue you feel passionate about? Consider working for a political candidate.

    Make the conscious decision to move on, and take a risk to meet new people.

    If you are not capable of moving on at this time, consider therapy; many people overcome problems after getting some professional help.
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    Aug 03, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    See I've met some really nice guys since I left him, and every time I get a little interested, I torpedo it by comparing them to him and they just don't stand up. Then I lose all interest in the new guys... icon_cry.gif
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    Aug 03, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    Arfurnas saidSee I've met some really nice guys since I left him, and every time I get a little interested, I torpedo it by comparing them to him and they just don't stand up. Then I lose all interest in the new guys... icon_cry.gif


    Wow, I had the same obsessive problem, but I told mself not to compare.. because the old guy didnt work out... so I shouldnt look for a replacement (He cant be replaced, and why would you want to, he didnt work out)
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    Aug 03, 2010 3:14 AM GMT
    My first relationship was about 2.5 years and it took me at least 18 months, if not more, to get over him/it.
    We broke up over drug use, though I suspect other issues may have otherwise arisen later (e.g. open/closed relationshiop).
    My "problem" was that I kept thinking he'd wisen up and come back, not to mention that I was single and gay for the first time in my life.

    You haven't really said why you broke up or why you aren't going to get back together again, so it's not possible to say anything specific about your situation.

    If it's any help, let me add that my situation was some 20 years ago and (with all due respect to my ex), I'd never go back.
    There's a better future ahead of you, but you'll have to let go of the past to get there.
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    Aug 03, 2010 3:38 AM GMT
    Arfurnas saidSo I have this friend... She was with her boyfriend for five years, until he killed himself in May. She's already dating again... I broke up with my boyfriend of 18 months back in January and I still am not ready to move on... Is there something I should be doing that I'm not? Did I love my ex more than she loved him so it's easier for her? In need of advice!!!


    Her boyfriend of 5 years committed suicide. Expecting her to act rationally might be asking a lot of someone in her state of mind. She is suddenly alone when she did not expect to be and this might be her way of dealing with it. Unless it is going to do them serious harm, sometimes when we feel a friend is making a mistake, it is better to bite our tongue and let them learn from their mistake on their own. In a situation like this, to intervene could damage the friendship if you come across as meddling in her life. Because of what just happened, it is doubtful that any guy she is dating right now will be in her life for any period of time. And when they are gone, you will still be there as her friend.

  • Aug 03, 2010 7:58 AM GMT
    Meninlove, don't play this game. I'm not the guy who made subtle intonations that the OP should resort to murder. You did, I only commented on the subtext of your post where you tried to push an emotionally damaged person to homicide. So don't try to spin this and make me look like the bad guy.

    Anyway, OP, I strongly advise you not to kill your ex. However, it does seem as if neither time nor anything else has helped with your feelings. Perhaps therapy might help. I'm not suggesting that you have mental issues or anything, but you clearly possess feelings which are having a detrimental impact on your ability to form meaningful and lasting relationships with potential partners.

    A therapist might be the kind of impersonal and professional person you require to discuss these feelings with. Also, by going to a therapist, you'll be actively engaging in an activity to deal with these issues. The act of seeing a therapist will help you feel like you're taking control of the situation and the therapist's office will provide you with a safe space in which to deal with these feelings. Seriously, it's been over a year, it's time you do something. Several therapy sessions might be the answer.

    You got this big fucking elephant in the room called your unresolved feelings for your ex. You seem to like talking about dealing with these issues, but at the same time you come off as being completely resigned to the consequences as if you know talking about them won't do anything. You need to get yourself out of this rut before you get too comfortable in it.
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    Aug 03, 2010 8:15 AM GMT
    pabst.jpg
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    Aug 03, 2010 8:26 AM GMT
    The best way to get over someone is to get under someone....
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    Aug 03, 2010 8:41 AM GMT
    PabstBlueRibbon saidMeninlove, don't play this game. I'm not the guy who made subtle intonations that the OP should resort to murder. You did, I only commented on the subtext of your post where you tried to push an emotionally damaged person to homicide. So don't try to spin this and make me look like the bad guy.

    Anyway, OP, I strongly advise you not to kill your ex. However, it does seem as if neither time nor anything else has helped with your feelings. Perhaps therapy might help. I'm not suggesting that you have mental issues or anything, but you clearly possess feelings which are having a detrimental impact on your ability to form meaningful and lasting relationships with potential partners.

    A therapist might be the kind of impersonal and professional person you require to discuss these feelings with. Also, by going to a therapist, you'll be actively engaging in an activity to deal with these issues. The act of seeing a therapist will help you feel like you're taking control of the situation and the therapist's office will provide you with a safe space in which to deal with these feelings. Seriously, it's been over a year, it's time you do something. Several therapy sessions might be the answer.

    You got this big fucking elephant in the room called your unresolved feelings for your ex. You seem to like talking about dealing with these issues, but at the same time you come off as being completely resigned to the consequences as if you know talking about them won't do anything. You need to get yourself out of this rut before you get too comfortable in it.


    meninlove are one of the few members here to whom I always defer. What they say goes.

    And so what you say doesn't go. And all you wrote above is crap. Nicely written crap, but still crap. Now go peddle it elsewhere, cause it ain't gonna fly here.
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    Aug 03, 2010 1:21 PM GMT
    Pabst, you're a troll. "Meninlove, don't play this game. I'm not the guy who made subtle intonations that the OP should resort to murder. You did.."

    We pointed out differences in their situations and the above is your moronic spin in a glaringly obvious attempt to discredit us.

    Now run along and play nice with the other kids.

    We notice that some of your posts on another topic have already been deleted.

    Our message to the OP that the 'faint hope clause' can be toxic comes from personal experience.