Good friends' fiance's family "iffy" about me bringing my date to wedding

  • solak

    Posts: 493

    Aug 03, 2010 9:55 PM GMT
    ok invited to wedding from really good friend.. he tells me to bring the guy im seeing for 6 months, fiance agrees although she wants to please 'everyone.'

    fiance's family is 1st generation to the States (she's Puerto Rican) so they are a bit more conservative with a sight of 2 men dancing on the dance floor in their daughter's wedding..

    last thing i want to do is add stress to fiance and my friend.. should i take one for the team and fly with the fag hag?

    last thing she wants is her family talking or giving her heat on her most important day as she's the type to please all..

    part of me says fuck it.. another says, its her day not mine, though im erring toward the former.

    ps the dude is my friend..only met fiance once in passing
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    Aug 03, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    Rawrly saidYour friend invited you and your boyfriend. Either go with your boyfriend or don't go at all. It would be insulting not to bring him.

    The fiancée's family can suck it. He's allowed to invite his friends too.
    ^^^that^^^
    Personally I just wouldn't go at all. It's not like people only get married just once anymore, so it's likely not going to be a "once in a lifetime" event anyway. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:01 PM GMT
    The fiancé's parents will have to realize, whether they like it or not, the world doesn't revolve around them. Their daughter and her husband to be cannot expect they will invite only people they approve of. It's not their wedding, so it's not their place to make a stink about who should or shouldn't be there.

    And maybe that's premature animosity. Maybe her family will be OK with it and she's worrying over nothing. It may all turn out OK.
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:08 PM GMT
    it is not your place to educate people. It is their wedding and you should respect their wishes or don't go at all!
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:11 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Rawrly saidYour friend invited you and your boyfriend. Either go with your boyfriend or don't go at all. It would be insulting not to bring him.

    The fiancée's family can suck it. He's allowed to invite his friends too.
    ^^^that^^^
    Personally I just wouldn't go at all. It's not like people only get married just once anymore, so it's likely not going to be a "once in a lifetime" event anyway. icon_wink.gif



    haha... dick.
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:19 PM GMT
    Take a fag hag, but make sure 'she's' a drag queen. That way, everyone will be happy.

    96dragqueenMOS_468x844.jpg

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    Aug 03, 2010 11:20 PM GMT
    ANDCB saidit is not your place to educate people. It is their wedding and you should respect their wishes or don't go at all!


    I absolutely agree. Weddings are stressful enough and your friend wanting to avoid causing family problems is entirely reasonable. It's a shame that she doesn't want you to take your date regardless of the potential problems but in the real world people need to be diplomatic and that seems to be your friend's approach.
  • shoelessj

    Posts: 511

    Aug 03, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    or maybe the bride and groom should just grow up, act like adults and deal with it -- you and your date. it's not as if they ain't ever going to have to deal with gay couples again so they may as well get used to it, unless they are going to be living in a fucking cave.
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    If you received an invitation addressed to SOLAK & GUEST you can bring anybody you damn well please.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Aug 03, 2010 11:26 PM GMT
    Fundamentally, it's the couple's wedding, not the wedding of any of their parents. It's up to the couple to set the guest list. Since you were told by your friend the groom-to-be to go ahead and bring your boyfriend, you're perfectly justified in bringing him.

    Since this is the real world, we now deal with practicality in addition to principle.

    The questions then become:

    Would I rather bring my boyfriend and deal with the possibility of hostility from the bride's parents, or would I rather bring a different friend they wouldn't object to and deal with the possibility of resenting the bride's parents, or would I rather just skip the whole thing and deal with the possibility of missing out on a major event of a friend?

    Does my boyfriend even want to go to this wedding?

    You say the bride to be wants to please everyone. Well, it would please you to have your boyfriend accepted with open arms, and she thinks it would please her parents to be able to pretend that everyone's heterosexual. If she's right, someone is going to be displeased here. Since you can't control others, you have to go forward with the notion of paying attention to your own actions and attitudes. It's perfectly reasonable to say "This is a good friend of mine, I want to see him get married, and my boyfriend is too important a part of my life to exclude." It's also perfectly reasonable to say "This isn't my family, so their judgment isn't important. The principle of including my boyfriend isn't worth having to endure their attitude, and he's doesn't care much whether he goes or not."

    In other words, pick your battles. Decide what's most important to you here, talk it over with your boyfriend, and decide what's right for the two of you.
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    solak saidpart of me says fuck it.. another says, its her day not mine, though im erring toward the former.

    You should already know how militantly gay I am. HOWEVER, you are a guest, and a guest should always conform to his host's expectations, or else not attend. The host sets the rules, not you. That is essential good manners, whenever you are invited somewhere.

    Therefore, if you have already been invited, along with your BF, then attend with him. Dancing with him becomes a separate issue. If that would make the bride uncomfortable, or her family, or his for that matter, then don't dance. Remember, you are their GUESTS, accepting THEIR invitation. Their party, their rules, and their sensitivities (or bigotry). You don't like it? Then don't go.

    This is neither the time nor the place when you can impose your values on them. It is THEIR wedding, not yours. So both of you go, and play it by ear. If everybody looks cool with it, dance with him. If not, then don't. Discuss it beforehand with your BF, so he knows how to respond, and isn't offended if you don't dance together.
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    Aug 03, 2010 11:43 PM GMT
    MSUBioNerd saidFundamentally, it's the couple's wedding, not the wedding of any of their parents. It's up to the couple to set the guest list. Since you were told by your friend the groom-to-be to go ahead and bring your boyfriend, you're perfectly justified in bringing him.
    .


    THAT is the correct answer. Their wedding, their choice. Done.
  • solak

    Posts: 493

    Aug 04, 2010 12:36 AM GMT
    open bar.. no way am i missing this

    thanks for the responses.. and i expected the gay flag to be thrown in my face and be called a self-loathing gay, nice to see some practicality here especially msunerd.. thanks all, will think about it
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    Aug 04, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    Wilton said
    Therefore, if you have already been invited, along with your BF, then attend with him. Dancing with him becomes a separate issue. If that would make the bride uncomfortable, or her family, or his for that matter, then don't dance.


    ^^this, this, this^^

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    Aug 04, 2010 12:47 AM GMT
    Good lord, fuck her parents. If this is your friend and he wants you to attend the wedding, go and be there to honor him and his new wife.

    Don't be surprised if here parents don't actually like you guys. Just be charming and fun and gaygaygay
  • B71115

    Posts: 482

    Aug 04, 2010 12:48 AM GMT
    BrainyBrainyBrainy said
    Wilton said
    Therefore, if you have already been invited, along with your BF, then attend with him. Dancing with him becomes a separate issue. If that would make the bride uncomfortable, or her family, or his for that matter, then don't dance.


    ^^this, this, this^^



    Exactly.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Aug 04, 2010 1:08 AM GMT
    Absolutely YES, take your boyfriend and treat him the same way that a heterosexual would treat her boyfriend if they were guests at a wedding/reception. In other words, if you feel like dancing with each other, DO IT !

    You dancing with the man you love wouldn't be ruining anything except a few people's preconceived notions of what constitutes "normal."

    Besides, people at a wedding are watching the bride.
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    Aug 04, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    Celebrate your friends wedding by attending the bachelor party and bring your boyfriend with you. When the topic of you attending the actual wedding pops up, just excuse yourself and let your friend know you will not be able to make it. This way, nobody is left feeling uncomfortable, and you/your boyfriend get to celebrate your friend's big day.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 04, 2010 1:26 AM GMT
    I'm kinda torn on this one
    On the one hand .... my first reaction is WTF ... your friend invited you
    Damn well go

    But then again it's their wedding
    and you don't wanna cause them strife on their wedding day

    BUT ......... and this is me
    I would NEVER go out and find a woman to go with just to please them
    F**K that .... I'd tell my friend
    Sorry I don't wanna be a problem ........ Here's a Toaster icon_confused.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 04, 2010 1:29 AM GMT
    I would certainly go and take your bf.. Do not go alone... I think the only question is how open you want to be. Decide later about dancing with your bf, but certainly go.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Aug 04, 2010 1:37 AM GMT
    Wilton said
    solak saidpart of me says fuck it.. another says, its her day not mine, though im erring toward the former.

    You should already know how militantly gay I am. HOWEVER, you are a guest, and a guest should always conform to his host's expectations, or else not attend. The host sets the rules, not you. That is essential good manners, whenever you are invited somewhere.

    Therefore, if you have already been invited, along with your BF, then attend with him. Dancing with him becomes a separate issue. If that would make the bride uncomfortable, or her family, or his for that matter, then don't dance. Remember, you are their GUESTS, accepting THEIR invitation. Their party, their rules, and their sensitivities (or bigotry). You don't like it? Then don't go.

    This is neither the time nor the place when you can impose your values on them. It is THEIR wedding, not yours. So both of you go, and play it by ear. If everybody looks cool with it, dance with him. If not, then don't. Discuss it beforehand with your BF, so he knows how to respond, and isn't offended if you don't dance together.




    I completely disagree.

    The only expectations the hosts should have is that their guests have a good time. And, if that includes something as perfectly innocent as two people of the same sex dancing together, then it is the hosts responsibility to either like it, or pretend not to notice.

    Did the invitation state: "No same sex dancing, please ?" If it did not, then dance your little asses off.

    VALUES?! Who's imposing their values on anyone else ? Nobody's planning on forcing everybody at the wedding reception to dance with others of the same sex.

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    Aug 04, 2010 1:51 AM GMT
    Here's a little side story, which isn't about a wedding situation, but rather when I first met my partner's older brother, who now holds the position of "patriarch" of an extended pure Italian family.

    My partner warned me about how homophobic his older brother was, and how cantankerous & difficult. The brother already knew about our gay relationship. Talk about giving me stage fright when I was finally going to meet him!

    So I asked my partner for some background info on his older brother. His biggest hobby was old cars. Great! I know all about cars. Second, he was in law enforcement -- so was I! Military Police for over 20 years, but still a version of law enforcement. He also has a sumer home on Cape Cod -- super, I've been there many times.

    So we arrive at their sister's home. And without waiting for my partner to do the honors, I immediately recognized which person was him, sitting there like a proper Italian Don, taking his homage.

    So I walked over and introduced myself, and sat right down opposite him. My partner was shocked, but I have few inhibitions. We quickly began talking about cars, cops and the Cod. We've been good friends ever since, and no hint of the homophobia I was forewarned about.

    I would recommend you brief your BF on your family before the wedding. If he's outgoing, encourage him to just make friends all around. The best gay ambassadors are those who demonstrate that we are perfectly "normal" and friendly. Of course WE know we are, but THEY often don't. So show them, and everything will be OK.
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    Aug 04, 2010 2:03 AM GMT
    Wilton saidHere's a little side story, which isn't about a wedding situation, but rather when I first met my partner's older brother, who now holds the position of "patriarch" of an extended pure Italian family.

    My partner warned me about how homophobic his older brother was, and how cantankerous & difficult. The brother already knew about our gay relationship. Talk about giving me stage fright when I was finally going to meet him!

    So I asked my partner for some background info on his older brother. His biggest hobby was old cars. Great! I know all about cars. Second, he was in law enforcement -- so was I! Military Police for over 20 years, but still a version of law enforcement. He also has a sumer home on Cape Cod -- super, I've been there many times.

    So we arrive at their sister's home. And without waiting for my partner to do the honors, I immediately recognized which person was him, sitting there like a proper Italian Don, taking his homage.

    So I walked over and introduced myself, and sat right down opposite him. My partner was shocked, but I have few inhibitions. We quickly began talking about cars, cops and the Cod. We've been good friends ever since, and no hint of the homophobia I was forewarned about.

    I would recommend you brief your BF on your family before the wedding. If he's outgoing, encourage him to just make friends all around. The best gay ambassadors are those who demonstrate that we are perfectly "normal" and friendly. Of course WE know we are, but THEY often don't. So show them, and everything will be OK.


    I completely agree.

    Another poster said that it isn't our job to educate people. I completely disagree. If we hide, it is our own fault that we don't progress socially.

    The bottom line is that you were invited by the people who have control over the invitation. If they revoke the invitation, don't go out of respect. And I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If the invitation stands, GO. And introduce yourself and your boyfriend confidently. You are celebrating your good friend's happy day. Let that win-out over any archaic social beliefs about relationships. And, I agree that it would be a good idea to ask the bride and groom to give a heads up to the bigot family (sorry, had to get one dig in) that you will be there and that they should expect you to be fun, polite, and happy to meet them.

    Go there with bells on (not literally, that's pushing it).
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    Aug 04, 2010 2:04 AM GMT
    Webster666 saidI completely disagree.

    The only expectations the hosts should have is that their guests have a good time. And, if that includes something as perfectly innocent as two people of the same sex dancing together, then it is the hosts responsibility to either like it, or pretend not to notice.

    Did the invitation state: "No same sex dancing, please ?" If it did not, then dance your little asses off.

    VALUES?! Who's imposing their values on anyone else ? Nobody's planning on forcing everybody at the wedding reception to dance with others of the same sex.

    And I, in turn, completely disagree with you. Not often I do that, but hey, always a first for everything.

    In MY book of etiquette, the host's rules trump all others. The guests are there by invitation, and are subject to those rules.

    At the same time, I realize a host should be liberal and accommodating to the guests. That is the host's obligation, and so a part of what you propose is true.

    But a good host is always conscious of the comfort level of ALL of his or her guests, and tries to find the compromise. Hence, the guest must defer to the host for guidance, and never take the lead. As I wrote above, "play it by ear."

    Our OP may yet get to dance with his BF, and I hope he does. But not just to prove a point, at the expense of upsetting an event that is not his, to which he & his BF are merely guests. The focus is the newly-married couple, not him.

    Perhaps strange coming from me, so vehemently gay-activist on other things. But I don't abandon my civility & manners, and if someone can't behave in such a way, then just stay away.
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    Aug 04, 2010 2:14 AM GMT
    Wilton said
    Webster666 saidI completely disagree.

    The only expectations the hosts should have is that their guests have a good time. And, if that includes something as perfectly innocent as two people of the same sex dancing together, then it is the hosts responsibility to either like it, or pretend not to notice.

    Did the invitation state: "No same sex dancing, please ?" If it did not, then dance your little asses off.

    VALUES?! Who's imposing their values on anyone else ? Nobody's planning on forcing everybody at the wedding reception to dance with others of the same sex.

    And I, in turn, completely disagree with you. Not often I do that, but hey, always a first for everything.

    In MY book of etiquette, the host's rules trump all others. The guests are there by invitation, and are subject to those rules.

    At the same time, I realize a host should be liberal and accommodating to the guests. That is the host's obligation, and so a part of what you propose is true.

    But a good host is always conscious of the comfort level of ALL of his or her guests, and tries to find the compromise. Hence, the guest must defer to the host for guidance, and never take the lead. As I wrote above, "play it by ear."

    Our OP may yet get to dance with his BF, and I hope he does. But not just to prove a point, at the expense of upsetting an event that is not his, to which he & his BF are merely guests. The focus is the newly-married couple, not him.

    Perhaps strange coming from me, so vehemently gay-activist on other things. But I don't abandon my civility & manners, and if someone can't behave in such a way, then just stay away.


    One could argue that you are not only celebrating the couple, but love itself. To refuse a dance with your boyfriend is disrespectful to that ideal and putting people's beliefs before love. Love should shine. Not hide. ;)

    Devil's Advocate here. At your service.