Getting over him

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    Aug 04, 2010 1:02 AM GMT
    So its been a week since me and my kinda on again off again ex had a big blow up and we stopped talking. But now those pangs of regret and guilt are creeping up, specially because it seems like he never skipped a beat. He lied to me about numerous things the past couple months so I know I cannot trust him worth shit, but why does part of me still yearn for him? That yearning makes me sick to my stomach at times, but its still there. How can I get past him and move on? I tried to be his friend after the last time we broke up but it just didnt work out. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, a real asshole at times, why can't i get angry enough to just toss all thoughts of him aside and focus on myself? Im inexperienced at dealing with the death of a relationship, b/c i pride myself on keeping my friends, and also because my only other BF died suddenly, so ive never been dumped or trreated like shit like this before. Its just all so painful.
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    Aug 04, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    There was a reason you were attracted to him in the first place. You will need time to get used to being just one again.

    It will take some time of grief before you can reacquaint with yourself. There are going to be guilty feelings- If only I could help him...If only I could save us...So many statements with if only.

    Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. Remember the good times. Then remember the bad times, and how you felt then. You are stronger for breaking up with an abusive companion.

    It can take months, if not years before you can get used to the loneliness and the rejection from love. "How could I not be enough for him?" But you were lonelier with him.

    Put your emotions into your happiness instead of geared toward revenge or anger towards him. Find something you like and pursue it. After all, you suddenly have all this free time. Stick to your routines. Slowly you will get used to it.
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    Aug 04, 2010 2:29 AM GMT
    I agree with Carmine... what you have to do is be strong and not let your craving for the endorphins that he would give you take over the fact that yuo know you were in a relationship that was ultimately bad for you... compare it to a a delicious food full of fat/calories and no nutritious value that tastes great but is detrimental to your well-being in the end.... thats exactly what this relationship was to you... The longer you stay off of this food, the longer you fast, the more your body and mind will adapt and the craving for it will go away in the end... trust me, I knwo I ve been there... it can be horrible, like cold turkey, ... but whatever happens dont give in man... you can handle this!! Yes you can!!!
  • yankeesblazer...

    Posts: 243

    Aug 04, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    I was emotionally involved with two people, and as of about a week ago, they both decided they didn't want anything to do with me anymore. One break-up is hard enough to deal with, but to have my hopes crushed twice in a span of a few days is doubly hard.

    To get by, I am focusing intensely on hobbies and friends. For me, those hobbies include writing in my sports blog, watching my teams play on tv, working out, and just being outside. I have been going out a lot at night with friends, just trying to take my mind on the problems I have been having in my intimate life.

    By no means will these things cure your feeling of longing, because trust me those feelings are still there. All one can hope for is that by distracting yourself each day, and burying yourself in other things that can be enjoyable while surrounding yourself with people you care about and who care about you will allow you to look up one day and realize that your feelings have become much more manageable.

    Keep lookin' up man, things will get better. We just have to believe that with everything we have.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Aug 04, 2010 4:06 AM GMT
    Dude.......You move on because you deserve so much better than what you left behind.....When a partner is abusive....it's more about you than it is about him....Ask yourself....Why do I choose to let someone treat me this way?....Brah.... there was a time in my life when I would stay in a relationship because I hated the thought of being alone.....I defaced my self respect to stay in a loveless relationship....I learned that I needed to work on loving myself.....I found loving myself meant that I needed to do what would make me happy...if I was happy...the people who truly loved me would be happy for me....Dude....Work on you....Follow your passions....Be happy.....BUD
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    Aug 04, 2010 4:29 AM GMT
    "They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them."

    I understand how you're feeling, and in fact that's exactly how I was feeling last winter. Words can't describe how frustrating it was, but I'm sure that you'll be okay as time goes by.

    You don't have to force yourself to forget about him or to move on. But let yourself see new things and people because you have so much capacity to love.
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    Aug 04, 2010 4:42 AM GMT
    The OP's relationship sounds like mine with my ex. It took me a long time to get over my feelings for him, but I did.

    This past weekend, I saw him and his new boyfriend go into the Gap at a local mall, which was surprising to say the least. He lives out of town, a good 2 hours away, so to see him in my neck of the woods was startling. Of course I followed suit, and pretended I didn't know he was there.

    They left the store quickly, as I'm quite sure he spotted me. I'm grateful now for going in, because I realized I no longer harboured feelings or regret, anger or hate for him. In fact, it was my way of saying goodbye to the past.

    I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago.
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    Aug 06, 2010 3:07 AM GMT
    thanks guys. its just so hard to get used to this. i have to fight myself to avoid trying to contact him. I know this isnt as painful as when my one BF died, but its a whole other realm of pain. I do prefer this pain to th eother one, at least he's alive and well and doing his thing. i just wish we were doing things together. The more i think on things the angrier and sadder i get. Thank god for the songs on the radio that all seem to deal with moving on and dumping no good-nicks outta ur life. But dammit if they dont play a love song or sumthing right after. I feel like im on a roller coaster. i can feel happy one minute, totally forgetting the bad feelings, and then something will remind me of him and my stomach tightens and im instantly miserable again. this fucking sucks! please excuse my typing if there mistakes, my hand screwed from an atv accident, lol.
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    Aug 07, 2010 4:28 AM GMT
    amar_m saidI agree with Carmine... what you have to do is be strong and not let your craving for the endorphins that he would give you take over the fact that yuo know you were in a relationship that was ultimately bad for you... compare it to a a delicious food full of fat/calories and no nutritious value that tastes great but is detrimental to your well-being in the end.... thats exactly what this relationship was to you... The longer you stay off of this food, the longer you fast, the more your body and mind will adapt and the craving for it will go away in the end... trust me, I knwo I ve been there... it can be horrible, like cold turkey, ... but whatever happens dont give in man... you can handle this!! Yes you can!!!


    Amar....you are so wiseicon_wink.gif
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    Aug 07, 2010 5:15 AM GMT
    The best advice is advice I never could take, when all my friends said it and my head said it was the best thing to do: Cold Turkey. No Texts, delete his account. No Facebook, looking at his life, his actions. Delete. No sad emails about how great your guys were together back in the day. No. Delete any social media or you will just follow it and get depressed.

    The best advice, which I did not take but should have, was cut it off immediately. Otherwise, you will take everything he says or does or posts and just drag on the misery. And in the end you will just have wasted more days and months hoping and dreaming that you will get back together and he will come to his senses and realize what a great guy he had and lost.

    The best way to show a guy what he had and lost is to move on and start a GREAT life without him. Not to endlessly text him. Move on. Do well. And let him realize his mistake eventually. And maybe he will not. Then fuck him. He lost. You won.
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    Aug 07, 2010 5:49 AM GMT
    He made you feel special.

    Even knowing he was abusive and betrayed your trust, you still miss the way you felt with him.

    You sound like a good guy, the kind who want his friends happy, his bf happy, and work hard toward it.

    You also need love and attention, and you beleive the best way to get them is to give them. It's commendable.

    What you don't realise, is that you are a perfect prey for people who feed on good guy. Think about it : you offer a lot, don't expect perfection, don't even expect others to be nice.

    I'm sure your former bf had moments where he felt strongly for you. You remember them, and evrything bad he did will never erase how good it felt to be loved.

    You brain tell you he is not the right guy for you, but your heart don't care, you heart just crave for the wonderfull emotions you had with him.

    Trust your brain.

    The pain and craving will fade with time, and heal next time you fall in love again.

    Then, you will realise guys with a good heart are prey for some people. As sick as it sound, some guys can have feeling for you, and at the same time, use you and use your feeling for them to manipulate you.
    They even get a quick out of being abusive and seeing you come back. It make them feel powerfull, and push them to become even more abusive.

    I sorry for the pain you feel, and I know the 'it will ease with time' is fucking not helping, but you should at least take a bit of pride because you are doing the right thing, you felt the way somone in your situation should feel, and you are having a valuable experience which will help you, in the future, to detect on spot unhealthy behavior in potential bf.

    You did nothing wrong, I hope the experience will, on the long run, just make you stronger and even more able to give and get love with the right persons.
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    Aug 09, 2010 7:41 AM GMT
    thanks guys. im focusing on broadening my friend base and doing more things with my friends. each day gets a little better. friday sucked cuz thats the day my first BF took his life, and he was best friends with my now ex BF so it was very tempting to talk to him or email him, but i didnt. dunno if it was the right choice or not but its too late now. its getting easier and easier to accept. i just allow myself to think through everything and turn the sadness to anger because its more productive. thinking about joining a gym with some friends and getting myself lean and mean. maybe this is all for the best.