These are starting not to be funny for me!

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    Feb 16, 2008 3:04 PM GMT
    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. Howdo you feel?"

    Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

    "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

    "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

    ---------
    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know.. The one that's red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

    -------------
    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
    patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with asuitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

    "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

    -----------------------
    A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

    During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

    "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

    "Sure."

    "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

    "No, I can remember it."

    "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

    He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

    "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write itdown?" she asks.

    Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodnesssake!"

    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

    She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast ?"

    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

    "Yep!"

    "Do I know her?"

    "Nope!"

    "This woman, is she good looking?"

    "Not really."

    "Is she a good cook?"

    "Naw, she can't cook too well."

    "Does she have lots of money?"

    "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

    "Well, then, is she good in bed?"

    "I don't know."

    "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

    "Because she can still drive!"

    -------------------
    Three old guys are out walking.

    First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

    Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

    Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

    ----------------
    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

    "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

    "Twelve thirty."

    -----------------------
    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

    The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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    Feb 16, 2008 5:51 PM GMT
    HA HA HA Loved them l am not at that stage yet thank god?

    We will all get there one day!


    Three things are for sure in Life.

    We are Born
    We will all Die sometime

    And we all pay Taxes!
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    Feb 16, 2008 6:05 PM GMT
    A couple appear before a judge, seeking a divorce. He's 96, she's 95.

    The judge says, "Why do you two want a divorce? I mean, why now?"

    The woman says, "Well, your Honor, it was because of the children. We decided we'd wait until they were dead."
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    Feb 16, 2008 6:51 PM GMT
    An elderly couple are sitting quietly on the sofa when she suddenly turns and punches him right in the nose. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years", she said. A short while later, he surprises her with a blow to the chin, sending her reeling to the floor. "That's for knowing the difference."
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    Feb 16, 2008 6:54 PM GMT
    you guys are too much...I'm in stitches!icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 16, 2008 6:56 PM GMT
    This older lady was working out doing some streching in her bedroom. Kind of kinky, she usually did them in the nude. All of a sudden she got her feet caught behind her neck and started to cramp.

    She was panicing and called for her husband. He hurried to the bedroom. Open the door and started to chukle, "OH MY GOD, Martha he said, put in your teeth and comb your hair cause you are starting to look like your mother.
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    Feb 16, 2008 7:01 PM GMT
    He came home from work to find his wife rubbing newspaper all over her small breasts. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. She said "the doctor told me that my breasts would grow if I rubbed them with newspaper each day". He replied "if you want my adviced, stick with toilet paper. Just look what it did for your ass."
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    Feb 16, 2008 7:23 PM GMT
    Kebab saidHA HA HA Loved them l am not at that stage yet thank god?

    We will all get there one day!

    No, only the lucky ones! ... icon_wink.gif ... icon_eek.gif
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    Feb 17, 2008 6:40 AM GMT
    Caslon, are you vying for any title here on RJ? I can already think of one, no, two, no five potential titles for you... but they're not funnyicon_lol.gif

    wuv u. xx
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    Feb 17, 2008 9:54 AM GMT
    I dunno.

    Sounds hilarious to me! icon_lol.gif

    NO!

    Don't spank me daddy! icon_lol.gif

    /me runs away