Attracted to workout buddy...UGH!

  • dopey29

    Posts: 32

    Aug 04, 2010 4:50 AM GMT
    Hey guys...I've been working out with this new guy in the gym...first in a long time that knows what he's doing in the gym and we really connect. The problem is thats all we do is workout...if I try to suggest we hang or something he always seems busy. He's only 25 and I think thats the main issue...no matter what I look like or what my personality is like...he just sees a number...age! I'm attracted to him..more than just hook up...I want a relationship with him...but I don't want to tell him how I feel because I don't want to loose the workout partner....its not easy to find one I connect so well with in the gym. Thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 11:47 AM GMT
    Perhaps you should realise that all he wants is a workout partner. How can you even be sure he digs men? I would tread with caution in this because you could lose your gym partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 11:52 AM GMT
    You're 40. He's 25.

    Be more realistic.

    (There, I said it. It may not be nice, but it needed to be said. Something we as gay men often fail at is realizing we are not 25-30 forever. We have to mature beyond that. Straight men don't always because, well, they rule the world for the most part and can get away with chasing young women. A few straight men are chasing women of their own age, but the majority pursue younger. It's a man thing. It's no different with gay men, but it often doesn't work man to man. We have to be different.

    And I say this not in judgment of the OP, who I do not know, but in reaction to the facts presented and the trends we see around us daily, on RJ and beyond.)
  • GLBeck

    Posts: 28

    Aug 04, 2010 11:53 AM GMT
    Ricovelas saidPerhaps you should realise that all he wants is a workout partner. How can you even be sure he digs men? I would tread with caution in this because you could lose your gym partner.


    I completely agree. Taking your time may be your best bet. I have people get pissed with me for not going out with them, but I am really busy. The gym is my only source of relaxation as a full-time worker and full-time college student. It's important to respect that. If he knows you're interested in going out some time and he's interested, it will happen.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 04, 2010 12:37 PM GMT
    if he were interested he probably would have taken your hints. read between the line.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 12:58 PM GMT
    calibro saidif he were interested he probably would have taken your hints. read between the line.

    Exactly! Keep him as a workout partner and DROP any hints etc. of doing anything outside of the gym. If he wants to do something with you non gym related, let him bring it up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    First of all, how can you be certain that all he sees is age? That's a mighty large assumption.

    There could be several reasons he's always busy and doesn't want to hang out with you. As mentioned above, maybe he JUST wants a workout buddy. Maybe he ACTUALLY is super busy. Maybe he wants to keep his personal life to himself. Maybe he's straight. Maybe he's not and HAS a boyfriend. Who knows. There are a million reasons why this guy won't hang out with you, but the one certain thing is that if you keep pushing him, he's going to stop working out with you. By having to constantly fend you off, you're making it awkward for him as a workout buddy. My advice, leave the door to possibility open, but back the fuck off and let him walk through it if he wants.

    Also, listen/read Dan Savage for good sex/relationship advice. I'm sure he's received a question like this before and is better suited to answer your question than most people.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Aug 04, 2010 1:27 PM GMT
    Enjoy having a good workout partner and giveup on the rest of it. If you guys are still clicking well in a couple of months thenyouwill have gotten to know him better and you should have a good idea of the reasons why he does not want to hang out. Respect them.

    If you end up with a good partner at the gym, that is a lot.

    And yes, I know it is frustrating. Are you right handed or left handed?
  • dionysus

    Posts: 420

    Aug 04, 2010 1:37 PM GMT
    dont try to get with him. thats dumb.

    25, eh? and where can i find said hottie? icon_eek.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 04, 2010 1:46 PM GMT
    If you want to prove to him that you aren't like an average 25 year, you may want to consider just relaxing and enjoying the relationship you have with him.
  • dopey29

    Posts: 32

    Aug 04, 2010 2:03 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the responses guys! A few confirmations...he is gay, no bf, He does seem busy when I try to hang with him...however he did invite me to his 4th of July BBQ, but I was with my family in NJ. He works at a gay bar as a dancer and Friday he invited me to the bar because it was his 25th b-day, but it wasn't an actual party...he was working, but had some friends there (all of which seemed older and out of shape)...when he saw me he seemed happy I was there and it what was funny, he didn't know whether to shake my hand or hug me...he got flustered and just immediately started introducing me to his friends...I was introduced as the workout partner.

    I hear what you guys are sayin...yeah 25 vs 40 is a big difference....but the way I feel about him is rare...I seldom connect with a guy like this....for his age he's very mature...the workouts are going great....we push each other...its the best I've had in years and I'm gaining results and so is he...so I am being cautious. My vision is blurred in the gym because I don't wear my glasses and I don't wear contacts, but it doesn't appear that he checks me out at all...we do get close when we're spotting each other but its never inappropriate.

    I think some of you are right...I'll just back off and keep it in the gym for now and see if he changes. We've been doing this over a month now so the comfort level with each other is there. I do think we make a great couple though icon_smile.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 04, 2010 5:42 PM GMT
    Sounds like you have a bad dynamic going on here. I don't think you can maintain the friendship if you're this fixated. So, you either need to distance yourself from him altogether, or take the plunge and ask him out. But, it doesn't seem to me that he's given you any reason for hope if he's rebuffed all your invites to hang out.

    Eric
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Aug 04, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    the age thing sucks unless he is the one pushing you.

    I was 19 when i met my first bf who was 36. and it worked for 5 years. here's the deal. he wasn't the "daddy" he didn't take care of me, quite the opposite and he looked way way younger. when i hit 25 the age difference really started affecting me.

    he turned 40 wanted me out of the spot light, wanted less sex, wouldn't bottom anymore (that killed it right there for me) and then cheated.

    cross that line in the sand and its over

    age was only a difference when we liked different music, i was grunge/ alternative and he was 70's 80's disco. funny but he graduated highschool the week i was born

    it can work for some but the younger has to do the "pushing" just sayin

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 8:47 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidYou're 40. He's 25.

    Be more realistic.

    (There, I said it. It may not be nice, but it needed to be said. Something we as gay men often fail at is realizing we are not 25-30 forever. We have to mature beyond that. Straight men don't always because, well, they rule the world for the most part and can get away with chasing young women. A few straight men are chasing women of their own age, but the majority pursue younger. It's a man thing. It's no different with gay men, but it often doesn't work man to man. We have to be different.

    And I say this not in judgment of the OP, who I do not know, but in reaction to the facts presented and the trends we see around us daily, on RJ and beyond.)


    Blah, Blah, Blah.... I'm 50 and the youngest guy I've been with was late teens early twenties. The next guy was 36. My current is 27. I didn't chase after any of them; they persued me. Lasting relationships? No, but I'm not necessarily looking for one. If one develops with a younger guy, so be it. If one develops with one nearer my own age, that would be ok too. It's just sex.

    So take that and stick it where the sun doesn't shine, Mr. Sexist, Age-Conscious, Generalizer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 9:37 PM GMT
    Hey Disney365, grow a set and lay your cards on the table. Tell him you like him and that you are interested in persuing a relationship outside the training partner thing. Tell him that if he is not interested that's fine. If you lose a training partner over this then you didn't really need someone so immature anyway. You can always find another training partner. Stop acting like a love sick high school girl and more like a man. He might find that more attractive. I would. I like a man to be direct.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 10:02 PM GMT
    Had a similar problem, different outcome. I'm 49 and a full time college student. I work out almost every day and one of the guys in one of my classes came up to me in the gym and asked to be my workout partner. He's 19 and cute as hell, very athletic.

    I was attracted (very) to him but figured there was no way he'd want an old fart like me. Then one day we were hiking and we started talking. One thing led to another and I found out he thought he might be gay and wanted to experiment, WITH ME. We've been having some fun now for over a year, neither of us seeing anyone else, and totally comfortable with each other.

    Long story short, I know some day he will find someone his own age and fall in love, but I'm enjoying life right now. I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Aug 04, 2010 10:08 PM GMT
    Age could well be the issue, though you don't have to take that personally. You're 40, he's 25. A 15 year age difference is 37% of your age; it's 60% of his, which makes it in some ways similar to you dating a 64-year-old man. Or, to the more extreme version, considering that people rarely date much before age 15 or so, it's 150% of his time since 15, while it's only 60% of yours -- which means that it would in that sense be equivalent to you dating a 77-78-year-old.

    Does it still feel like age is just a number?

    For some people, yes, actual ages are irrelevant. And that's great for them. But there are legitimate reasons why age means more to some people. Maybe he wants to have kids when he's 35, and sees that you'd be 50 then. Maybe he wants to freedom to pack up and move to a new city, and sees that you've put down roots. Maybe he sees that you're active and in shape now, but thinks that in 10 years the difference between you will be more significant. Maybe he's not interested in having to deal with people assuming he's dating a sugar daddy, even if that's not what you'd be.

    Then again, it could be about things other than age entirely. I've got gay friends who are perfectly nice people who I'm simply not attracted to, and there are a few role reversed situations (dammit). Just because the age difference is the glaringly obvious possibility doesn't mean that it's actually the cause, particularly if you've never had a discussion about it.

    Normally, I'm an advocate of just telling someone how you feel, but it seems in this case that a) he's pretty unambiguous in not being interested and b) you're concerned that if you are rejected you could lose your work out partner. So, in this case, I'd say stop dropping the hints and just treat him as the workout partner. You may find you're happy with that, and if he expresses interest later, all the better. Or you may find that you're not happy with just the workout partner, and decide that you'd rather risk losing that than possibly miss a chance at romance. Either way, your current situation doesn't sound sustainable, and choosing to view him solely as the workout partner is both reversible and in line with what you'd observed of his intentions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2010 10:31 PM GMT
    i would date a 40 year old but he would have to have a nice body though, just tell him how you feel

  • Aug 04, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    Don't jump the gun and pour your heart out to him. You said you've been doing this for what, a month? He's already invited you to hang out with him, you've just had conflicting schedules. It sounds like he does want to hang out but both of you are busy guys. Wait a bit longer, something will come up.

    Maybe once a week casually invite him to join you somewhere on the weekend. Find an event and invite him to it. If he says no then don't press the issue or worry about it. Eventually he'll have free time to chill. Just make sure you don't sell it as a date or let yourself believe that it's a date. It'll be enough that you're chilling outside the gym and getting to know each other in a more casual context. Things can flow from there.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Aug 04, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    try this workout in front of him...you will land him for sure