my dad asked and i just couldn't lie, advice for me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2010 7:09 PM GMT
    I'm a young middle eastern guy and i came out as bi to my family two days ago and they tell me if i become gay i will be shunned and we will never be in touch or i can go towards "normalcy/straight" and be part of the family. I think i'd rather be hated for who i am than loved for whom i'm not.

    family is so big in my culture, the thought of having to sacrifice them just to be myself is painful. I know they're in complete shock right now because i'm masculine and they didn't expect that. I just wished someone in my family or even extended family would have said "it's ok, you can't help what gender you love, we still love and support you" being bi makes it harder because they think they can change me to being straight, like there is still that chance. i just wanna be treated the same as before, i don't think that's too much to ask

    oh i forgot to mention that this year i decided to live in this really nice gay guy's house and it's a duplex type so very private, I can't help feel comfortable around him and his friends. My dad says that i'm making the worst mistake of my life. I'm currently in the process of moving into the guy's house but i'm sad there is no support. any advice would be appreciated.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Aug 05, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    my heart goes out to you, hmc.

    family can make life SO very hard on you!

    the best thing you can do is: just give them time to accept you and your life and be your own man. don't flaunt your gay lifestyle in their faces; but don't apologise for being who you are, either.

    it's very difficult for parents to realize that their son is not the man they hoped he would be, the man they pinned all their hopes and desires on.

    hopefully, given enough time, they will accept you for who YOU are; and not for who they wanted you to be.

    you seem like you have a level head on your shoulders and have your stuff together.

    please PM me if i can be of any help.
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    Aug 05, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    HMG,

    I don't have any advice for you, but I do have a lot of respect for you. You did a very courageous thing, something which will help pave a better path for others in your situation in the future.

    I have a lot of Arab friends who are closeted and very unhappy. It's a tough situation.

    Hopefully people like yourself will help change views about us for the better.


  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Aug 05, 2010 9:27 PM GMT
    DUDE you got your own place? money in the bank? and how old are you? 25? dude you live in the US I'm sure you'll find some one to take up your new free time icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 05, 2010 9:55 PM GMT
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidDUDE you got your own place? money in the bank? and how old are you? 25? dude you live in the US I'm sure you'll find some one to take up your new free time icon_biggrin.gif
    Lemme guess...that's an invitation for him to come hang out with you? icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 05, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
    if he asked, he was ready for your answer.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Aug 05, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidDUDE you got your own place? money in the bank? and how old are you? 25? dude you live in the US I'm sure you'll find some one to take up your new free time icon_biggrin.gif
    Lemme guess...that's an invitation for him to come hang out with you? icon_wink.gif




    bitch lol if he wants to he can lol but I mean why spend time with people that hate him?
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Aug 05, 2010 10:30 PM GMT
    Don't cut off all your bridges. Your family will come help you even when that very nice gay man won't.
    Others have given you good advice. Don't put all your resources into being with that man. Keep your resources safe, what if you break up and your family isn't there?
    Don't throw it in their faces. They might be too ashamed to let their relatives know. Let some time pass, they might get used to it.
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    Aug 06, 2010 11:54 PM GMT
    It seems to be losing popularity, but for a long time "family" has been a euhpemism for gay people. As in "he's family". The origin of that is that many people were disowned by their blood family and taken is by their new "gay family". (Hopefully the term is fading as more and more people keep their blood family?)


    Space_Cowboy_89> why spend time with people that hate him?

    Because they are his FAMILY? The people who he grew up with, who took care of him, who he takes care of? People who have loved each other for 25 years?


    On the other hand, hairymascguy, they are talking about cutting you off. For them it's an expression of "honor". I have a friend whose parents were elders in their ultra-conservative Church of Christ; for several years after he came out to them they felt obligated to "shun" him. Eventually they came around.

    What you need to do is convince them that their thinking is outdated. For example, the APA removed homosexuality as a disorder in 1973. Do they really want to be 4 decades behind? They could point out that this is just misguided, liberal Western thinking, the same that gave the world "sex, drugs and rock & roll". This is where you have to educate them. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with any ills (real or imagined) of the West (which can't be all that bad... they're here, right?). It's how you were born. Previous generations didn't know or understand this, just as they didn't previously understand gravity or that the earth was flat....

    Appeal to what they can understand, what to them is familiar or important. For example: stereotyping and discriminating against gay people is like stereotyping all Arabs/Muslims as terrorists and discriminating againt us.

    I had a breakthrough with my mom when one day she expressed her concern for me. "There will always be people who wont understand and discriminate against you, honey. Wouldn't it just be easier to find a woman and marry her...?" I asked her if she meant because I was gay... or Jewish (it would be so much "easier" to just marry a Christian woman and have Christian children). She got it!

    Good luck getting through to them.
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    Aug 06, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    Space_Cowboy_89 said
    paulflexes said
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidDUDE you got your own place? money in the bank? and how old are you? 25? dude you live in the US I'm sure you'll find some one to take up your new free time icon_biggrin.gif
    Lemme guess...that's an invitation for him to come hang out with you? icon_wink.gif




    bitch lol if he wants to he can lol but I mean why spend time with people that hate him?
    Good question. There's a reason I moved 1400 miles away from my family. icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 07, 2010 12:01 AM GMT
    Sorry that you got that reaction, but I agree with what you did and I believe that you are doing the best thing that you can in not living a lie.

    I made the same choice as you at 19; I figured that if they could not accept me then THEY were not worth my having them in MY life either.

    I realize that may be a cold and tough pill to swallow, but perhaps they will come around. Try to be open if you can.

    Good Luck and best wishes, that took a lot of courage, I know.
    What's not to love about you icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 07, 2010 12:02 AM GMT
    Well, I have advice to share...

    It's your life, live it how you need to be happy -- you don't want regrets when the ride is nearly over.

    I am very sorry your family is choosing to react this way. Although nothing can replace the love our birth families give us, I promise you the family you create in form of friends and lovers can and will sustain you. The first step is being true to yourself.

    My best to you HMG!
    Jon
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    Aug 07, 2010 12:19 AM GMT
    When you live with your parents it is a different story. But you are a grown man and independent. Give them some time to adjust. Let them know you are the same person you always have been and that you love them and blah blah blah.

    But, there is going to come a day when you will have to tell them that what they are doing is not acceptable. Set little ground rules with basic goals:
    Do not tell me you wish I was straight
    Do not call me abnormal

    and eventually you have made enough rules and they follow them that they lose that prejudice. But right now you have to be the adult in this relationship. They are being immature and ignorant. It is up to you to be a parent to them and show them that they are being children. It wont be easy but you can do a lot of good for your family and the culture.

    I know that my very Catholic parents were not very good at first. But by being honest and open and giving them time to work out their issues (because, again, they are the ones with issues. Not you.). Now they are awesome. My dad publicly called out a homophobe in his church. My mom had an hour long phone call with an ex just to catch up. They will come around if you give them the framework to do so.

    Keep us posted. If you have questions email me.
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    Aug 07, 2010 1:00 AM GMT
    You need to live your life the way is best for YOU....In the end, no one else is going to be the one that has to answer for your actions....and you are the one that has to look yourself in the mirror every day and accept who you are and make peace with what that means in your life....Parents will throw all type of threats and conditions at you to essentially "test" you to to see if you are just in a "phase" or if it is "real"....Stand your ground if it is real......If it is "real", they may try or do some really mean and hard things....give them time to come to grips with you being gay. Love them and forgive them...but don't forget what they did......draw lessons and strength from the experience...
    Good Luck!icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 07, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    Luckily, you don't live in the Middle East...where your father would no doubt go unpunished if he killed you for being bi or gay. Apparently, your family has not adapted to western ways as yet and has little or no tolerance for homosexuality. This is not confined to your culture, but fortunately is not the way most families treat their offspring when they discover this often well-kept
    secret.
    I have experienced only positive acceptance from my family, but I know of many others who have not. What it boils down to is living with yourself first and the rest of the world either accepts you or they don't. We are not given the option of choosing our families...sometimes we are dealt a hand that is not easily played.
    The most important thing for you to realize is that you have to be true to yourself. As painful as this is, only YOU can decide what is best for you.
    You can either live in denial for the rest of your life or accept the fact that your family is judging you in a manner that is contrary to what you find acceptable.
    In the end, only YOU can make the decision..and we all pray that it is the one that makes you happy.
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    Aug 07, 2010 1:09 AM GMT
    16 years ago my sister told me, dont be surprised if you are ignored for a while. I asked her why, she said, about who you are..

    I did not skip a beat and gathered about 3 days of clothes and left and told her to relay a message to mom and dad. I would rather not be here than be ignored. I'll be back for the rest of the clothes later.

    It was harder because I worked in the office of where my dad worked. So he called me the next day asking what was up. He wanted to have a family meeting the next night and I said sure.

    I went, my mom was the worse one at the table throwing a lot of hate my direction. It took all I had in me to stay sitting at the table and not get up and make them feel 'holier than thou' and let their words and actions get to me. I heard all of it out, and the only words I said, I'm still moving out.

    At that moment, I told my parents that these were the rules:
    You do not show up unexpected, you do not just assume I'm going to be there for sunday dinner, and if you want something, you can call. I'm not going to ignore you like you have chosen to start out this new way by saying I am going to be ignored.

    Be the adult, and stand your ground.

    It took a few years (about 5) for my parents to come around and be accepting. My sister gave me updates and told me what they were going through.

    I was 19 when this happened and I haven't lived at home again.

    However; I know that I could move back if I needed to. I have taken boyfriends back home and slept in the same bed in the guest room.

    You will see how much better you feel now and keep your chin up.

    PM me if you want to talk more....
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    Aug 07, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    Having lived/partly grown up in middle east I can understand what you are going through my advice is it's better coming clean right from the start and facing crap early on and getting it done with rather than having a double life and dealing with all kinds of issues for a long long time, I've seen enough messed up guys over this. It wont just affect you but your future life decisions, relationships and your life as a whole so it's better coming clean and being yourself.
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    Aug 07, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    You are who you are and you can't change that. If the family can't accept that then it's their own damn loss. I'm sure they need you much more than you need them.
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    Aug 10, 2010 8:39 PM GMT
    i wanna thank all of you for your advice/thoughts on my situation. i have decided to give my dad some time to adjust, i can imagine how much of a shock it was and i'm sure very hard to take it in, hopefully in time he will come around.