What is it with the gay world....?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 05, 2010 10:48 PM GMT
    So I have not been out for very long. I have posted a few things in this forum on several subjects, some of them dealing with my personal history. I have "known" about my attraction to guys since my early teen years, but seeing all the stereotypical gay stuff that went on in the 80's (and in Germany, where at the time it seemed like gays where obsessed with leather and S&M), it scared me off! I did not want any part of it. (Plus my upbringing took me in a different direction for some time...)

    So since coming out last year, I have ventured into the "scene" a number of times, just to check things out. I have never seen so much vanity and noncommittance in any other group as I have here, so much that I really don't want to be a part of it at times. We go out to clubs, party all night, get drunk, maybe pick up a trick, and the next morning you see us taking the walk of shame, miserable once again, only to repeat the same mistakes the following night. (There is this definition of a fool that comes to mind, banging his head against a wall and expecting different results every time.)

    It seems like we are all about community and sticking together, but get ready to slit someones throat in a attempt at revenge for being dissed, dumped, whatever... I don't get it. Is everybody here just chasing the rainbow? One one-nighter after another? I hear and read (and have seen) guys in committed relationships, but how committed are they truly? Until the next hot thing comes along or they get too old to be playing the field any more and don't want to spend the rest of their lives alone?

    It just seems that there is something "real" missing here, and I can't put my finger on it. What am I missing?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 05, 2010 10:53 PM GMT
    You recently have come out

    So it's all about Choices that you make
    ..... choices like who your friends are
    where you hang out
    what kind of places you go to
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2010 12:09 AM GMT
    Like anything else in life, adjusting to being openly gay takes patience.
    As far as the "scene" goes, it's not for everyone. It's just where the "assumed" majority hangs out.
    My suggestion is going to different gay and gay-friendly locations.

    PS. If you're looking for a lover (aka: on the prowl) it will be noticed and you'll be pegged as clingy. It's best to just go have fun and let things happen naturally...which is exactly what I'm doing tonight for the first time in about six months. icon_lol.gif
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 06, 2010 12:47 AM GMT
    Andreas73 saidSo I have not been out for very long. I have posted a few things in this forum on several subjects, some of them dealing with my personal history. I have "known" about my attraction to guys since my early teen years, but seeing all the stereotypical gay stuff that went on in the 80's (and in Germany, where at the time it seemed like gays where obsessed with leather and S&M), it scared me off! I did not want any part of it. (Plus my upbringing took me in a different direction for some time...)

    So since coming out last year, I have ventured into the "scene" a number of times, just to check things out. I have never seen so much vanity and noncommittance in any other group as I have here, so much that I really don't want to be a part of it at times. We go out to clubs, party all night, get drunk, maybe pick up a trick, and the next morning you see us taking the walk of shame, miserable once again, only to repeat the same mistakes the following night. (There is this definition of a fool that comes to mind, banging his head against a wall and expecting different results every time.)

    It seems like we are all about community and sticking together, but get ready to slit someones throat in a attempt at revenge for being dissed, dumped, whatever... I don't get it. Is everybody here just chasing the rainbow? One one-nighter after another? I hear and read (and have seen) guys in committed relationships, but how committed are they truly? Until the next hot thing comes along or they get too old to be playing the field any more and don't want to spend the rest of their lives alone?


    that you're going to stereotypical places to find gay men and you're expecting something different than a stereotype
    It just seems that there is something "real" missing here, and I can't put my finger on it. What am I missing?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2010 12:55 AM GMT
    I feel that it is because for various reasons, many gay men feel empty and lack self-esteem. This results in bitchy, vindictive behaviour that is furthering self-imposed isolation that is already heaped on us from the outside. It comes down to the fact that the protocol of relationships has not caught on yet. Just an observation based on experience.
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    Aug 06, 2010 1:19 AM GMT
    It can take some time to find the other gay guys that you click with. In my opinion, the bars are not the best way to do that. Any gay interest groups or sport teams in yor area? This is a great way to find guys who share your interests (outside of other guys).

    As for the truly committed couples (of which I am one) you're not gonna see us at the clubs a whole lot. They tend to go to those infrequently in my experience. I've been with my partner for nearly ten years. Early on there was pressure from some friends to play the field, but I'm glad I resisted and stayed with the man I've now made a solid life with.

    The best advice I can give is to stay in a positive frame of mind and look outside the bars for gay camaraderie. A man who is in control of his life and finds the best of any situation is a magnet for the good things in life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2010 1:47 AM GMT
    calibro said
    Andreas73 saidSo I have not been out for very long. I have posted a few things in this forum on several subjects, some of them dealing with my personal history. I have "known" about my attraction to guys since my early teen years, but seeing all the stereotypical gay stuff that went on in the 80's (and in Germany, where at the time it seemed like gays where obsessed with leather and S&M), it scared me off! I did not want any part of it. (Plus my upbringing took me in a different direction for some time...)

    So since coming out last year, I have ventured into the "scene" a number of times, just to check things out. I have never seen so much vanity and noncommittance in any other group as I have here, so much that I really don't want to be a part of it at times. We go out to clubs, party all night, get drunk, maybe pick up a trick, and the next morning you see us taking the walk of shame, miserable once again, only to repeat the same mistakes the following night. (There is this definition of a fool that comes to mind, banging his head against a wall and expecting different results every time.)

    It seems like we are all about community and sticking together, but get ready to slit someones throat in a attempt at revenge for being dissed, dumped, whatever... I don't get it. Is everybody here just chasing the rainbow? One one-nighter after another? I hear and read (and have seen) guys in committed relationships, but how committed are they truly? Until the next hot thing comes along or they get too old to be playing the field any more and don't want to spend the rest of their lives alone?


    that you're going to stereotypical places to find gay men and you're expecting something different than a stereotype
    It just seems that there is something "real" missing here, and I can't put my finger on it. What am I missing?


    Calibro's right... if you go to a vegetarian market, would you be surprised if there WASN'T any meat?

    To abandon being surrounded by stereotypes, don't go to stereotypical places.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2010 2:06 AM GMT
    Many people that come out after years of not exploring their gay selves go right to bars thinking that is what gay life is all about and --its just not.
    While "the scene" is a targeted location of gay men in cities and in bars and other clubs, it is not all gay men who go to those places. It is the most obvious choice, so you did good so far...

    But, you have only been to "one continent of the gay world," my friend.
    There is plenty you are missing if that is all you are seeing.

    Explore your passions. Who are you? Figure out what your tastes are [really] and I will bet you that you find similar people, but over time. It seems to me that at this point you feel like an outsider trying to fit in.
    Don't try to be something you are not just to fit in with the crowd.

    But this is all very new to you, so it may take some trial and error; be good to yourself and others while you test things out. It may take a little time and patience.

    Figure out who YOU are and then seek out who fits you icon_biggrin.gif

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    Aug 06, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    xuaerb saidMany people that come out after years of hiding who they are go right to bars thinking that is what it is all about



    Agreed. It took you a while before you could come out and it will take you awhile to get your bearings. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to learn who you really are. Don't give into the temptation of bitterness.
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    Aug 06, 2010 3:27 AM GMT
    Thanks for all your responses. Yes, I'm trying to find my bearings in something I have shunned for many years. I have not succumbed to bitterness, I'm just trying to "get" it, to fit in, as someone said. I know that the bars are probably not the best choice to find folks to click with (esp. as I never really was into bars, clubs and discos in the hetero world either.) I am involved in a group, but the folks there could all pass for my dads. What I am really looking for is new friends, buddies, as with my coming out the old ones ceased to be those. I was heavily involved in church. I know there are gay-friendly, or openly accepting churches around, but not so much in Germany, as faith plays a much lesser part in life than in the US. My next men's meeting is coming up tonight. I'll see if I can find out more to steer me in the right direction then.

    Thanks again.
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    Aug 06, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    good luck!
    there's a lotta gay sports teams in germany, btw

    i read a lotta great responses before this post, so i'm keeping my trap shut!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 06, 2010 3:47 AM GMT
    Andreas73 saidWhat I am really looking for is new friends, buddies, as with my coming out the old ones ceased to be those.


    And here you are, making new friends. Welcome home.
  • tituspullo197...

    Posts: 203

    Aug 06, 2010 4:02 AM GMT
    the club scene has always been that way in both the gay AND straight worlds. there is more to being gay than clubbing, just as there is more to being straight than pushing out babies or going to pta meetings. join a softball league, a group of runners, a rugby team, a special interests group -- music, poetry, something. clubs are for people who like the club scene. you can't walk into a scene you don't like and then pretend to be surprised; that's naive at best, disingenuous at worst.
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    Aug 06, 2010 4:52 AM GMT
    tituspullo1971 saidthat's naive at best, disingenuous at worst.


    Well, at least I am the "best" part then... icon_smile.gif I am naive, a bit socially awkward, geeky, nerdy, oblivious... the list goes on. But you are right, I was looking in the wrong places, which is why it did not feel "right."

    Thanks again guys!

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    Aug 06, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    It takes time in any new environment to meet quality people. The first ones you meet generally won't be the people with whom you'll develop a strong bond. When I moved to NYC three years ago, some of the first people I met were flaky, opportunistic, and disingenuous. It took time to cultivate relationships with creative, intelligent, artistic, and faithful people. Now I really treasure the people in my life and know I can count on them and that they can count on me.

    My partner rarely go to the clubs and if we do we don't stay very long. However, we keep busy and do the things we love to do with people we love.

    Give it time....be patient.....you are learning what you want in people and what you don't want.

    By the way, I was in Germany in '79 or '80 and the straight people there were very much into leather. It seemed like everywhere we went we saw straight couples all decked out in leather.
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Aug 06, 2010 1:22 PM GMT
    Andreas,
    The guys are right. My partner and I have been together in a committed relationship for 22 years. We rarely visit the clubs. If we do it is when we are on vacation. That is because we love to dance. You will meet someone special one day as well. Give yourself time; this is all new to you. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 06, 2010 1:28 PM GMT
    I have to agree with tituspullo1971. Don't blame the gay community for the vanity and non-commitment, these are traits shared with our straight counterparts. In both cases, these traits are not shared by everyone in those communities.

    I joined a gay soccer team in NY many years ago and found a lot of great guys who were not just into the club scene. However, you will still run into this type of individual. Don't judge them, just recognize it is not what you want and look for people who share your interests.

    Also, take a look at many of the RJ members profiles. There are many men who are in committed relationships here, including me.

    Congratulations on recognizing who you are and accepting yourself!

    Good luck on your new journey!

    tituspullo1971 saidthe club scene has always been that way in both the gay AND straight worlds. there is more to being gay than clubbing, just as there is more to being straight than pushing out babies or going to pta meetings. join a softball league, a group of runners, a rugby team, a special interests group -- music, poetry, something. clubs are for people who like the club scene. you can't walk into a scene you don't like and then pretend to be surprised; that's naive at best, disingenuous at worst.
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    Aug 06, 2010 1:48 PM GMT
    Stuart_Lanning_Jr saidThe reason is... Men are worse whores than females. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... THAT is why one of the 10 commandments is to not bow down to idols... Jesus wouldn't even bow down to the spirit of the worst one... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.. OOPS there went my man of the day tomorrow I guess. Shame on the Truth I Guess!!!icon_surprised.gif


    If EVER there was a time & need to repeal the First Amendment, I think NOW would be a great time to start!!! .icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 06, 2010 1:51 PM GMT
    To the OP: Be true to your heart. Do what YOU think is best for YOU!!
    Do not be sucked in by your peers... if you don't think one night stands are for you, then hold on to that belief and wait for the guy who.... icon_smile.gif